L: bowl of pumpkin soup, mixed leaves, sliver of stilton, hazlenuts
D: monkfish korma, 1/2 avo
Fitday makes it 1500 for the day: F 75%; C 18%; P 7%
Well, there's a strange macro breakdown!
Also, I wore skinny trousers to work today. Snug, but no yeast infection! I cannot quite believe whooshing (in slo-mo) is happening, given the p-nut butter indescretion the other night, but hey ho. Will get back to the weights soon, today I walked for a grand total of 15 minutes and was knackered, but still coughing grimness so there's that.
B: two eggs, scrambled with a dash of milk
L: spicy pumpkin and coconut soup
D: fish korma, an orange, a cup of yoghurt
1550 calories F: 73% 130g P: 11% 44g C: 16% 64g
Walked for an hour and thirty minutes. Still sounding like a TB victim.
In other news, I have a job interview on Monday. Whhheeee. Laxative nervous reaction has already begun.
Your journal makes me laugh out loud :)
[QUOTE=lorichka6;924029]Your journal makes me laugh out loud :)[/QUOTE]
Well, that's nice I'm glad and thank you for dropping in. Wore second pair of impossibly snug trousers today. Spent all day very aware of the close proximity of my waistband, but nothing gave way. When I got in to work on Weds, having been sent home early on Tues, I was told that the shower had sprung a leak and my chair might be wet. It had dried out, but there was a very noticeable water stain/tide mark. I started working. Later the plumber arrived to fix the shower. He passed my desk and looked at the ceiling, where the 'water' had come through. Nah, that's not the shower, he said, that's sewage. Never has a woman leapt from a chair so fast. Sadly, I have yet to have my chair replaced so for the last two and a half days I've been perched on an inferior model. This did nothing to increase my crotch comfort in the snug trousers.
L: tuna, salsa, pat of butter
D: 3 sausages, 3 rashers bacon, spinach, mushrooms, orange, glass of wine
Fitday makes it 1091 for the day with wine the biggest ticket item.
F: 40% 49g P: 23% 66g C:27% 80g A: 10%
I may have more wine later, but we shall not worry about telling Fitday shall we? I also walked for about an hour and ten minutes.
Another Saturday rolls round. Suffering major anxiety about Monday's interview and it's making me hell to live with. A bit of background: other half has been out of work for two years now, with no sign of finding a new job. I'm the sole provider for him and the small boy and small boy starts private school next year. To say money is tight would be the understatement of the year - it never quite reaches to do all it should and we have cut our expenses back to the bone to ensure that we have school fees for next year. To the bone. A new job and a payrise will make the difference between making it to the end of the month without panic and the terror that we constantly live in now. So, no pressure then.
B: yoghurt, orange, two walnuts
L: beef chili with sour cream and half an avo (home-made with mushrooms, courgette, aubergine, capsicum, onion, garlic, and proper chillis and spices), glass of wine
D: beef chili with sour cream, cocoa made with water and cream
My usual coping mechanism to any kind of emotional discomfort is to eat and/or drink to excess. I'm trying to curb that. Today I will do weights again for the first time since getting sick. Husband says that my legs - inner and outer thighs - have got slimmer this week.
Fitday makes it 1500 again. F: 53%; C: 26%; P: 15%; A: 7%
Never did go back for that extra wine last night. Will almost certainly tonight, though. As the Philadelphia advert used to say 'it's my only weakness.'
Sunday and nerves still on defcon terrified. Oh good. Makes me a joy to be around. So we drove across the city and spent the afternoon with the very many sibs-in-law, cousins and parents in law. Yeah. It was great. [I]Really[/I] relaxing on my shredded nerves. And we dodged all the usual - no new job then? - chat as well as we could. Small boy had a riot though.
L: chili, sour cream, melted cheese, half an avo (yeah, I was stuffed afterwards), glass of wine
D: tuna, avocado, lemon juice, tomato
Fitday makes it another 1500 day; 1550 to be precise.
F: 53%; C: 19%; P: 21%; A: 7%
I keep failing to go back for the second glass of vino I intend for myself. I cannot begin to tell you how out of character this is for me. I'm notorious for having a thirst on me - no bottle left undrunk. Also, Fitday is a bad influence - when meal planning I now think whether or not my food will be a pain in the butt to input. That's not a good thing as variety is the spice of life! Otherwise, I just keep trundling onwards. This was a very good weekend for food - I usually post 2000+ calorie weekends. Restraint is not a word often associated with me - not even in a 50 Shades way, more's the pity - but it would appear that I am developing subconscious restraint muscles. How very odd.
L: beef chilli
D: borscht, wine
Fitday makes it 1177 for the day. I walked for an hour. I had 'nervous stomach' issues all day. Interview was okay. As ever, once out, the mind double guesses everything - did I pitch it too high?
Oh well. Onwards. Upwards. WINE.
B: yoghurt x 2 (I got up at 3am for first breakfast and then had a hobbit breakfast at 5am)
L: borscht (beef, beets, carrot, brussels, paprika) about two cups worth
D: more borscht! spinach, wine
Fitday makes it about 1550 again. My digestion is still shot to pieces thanks to the interview anxiety and my sleep also. Why I couldn't say as honestly I'm fairly flat about the prospect of this job...I just don't deal well with uncertainty, I suppose. Walked for an hour again today. Might manage some physical jerks tonight - need to get back to that. I'm looking pretty good though so something's working. I even considered doing a torso shot for the progress pics page. But then I think only husband and I can really tell as the changes are very subtle. I look leaner, longer and tighter; the changes are incremental, but add up to me feeling much happier.
B: yoghurt, walnuts (about 8), teaspoon of peanut butter
L: beef chili - about two cups' worth
D: pork stir-fry (brussels, celery, capsicum, carrot, pineapple) on bed of spinach, cocoa made with cream
One and a half hours of walking, some squats, stretches and weights.
Fitday says the scores on the doors are: F: 59%/99g; P: 21%/77g; C 20%/78g 1448 calories.
Still no word on interview - they said they'd let me know towards the end of the week. Everytime I get an email my heart lurches and then my stomach flips. I wish this didn't wind me up so much.
Ah, we - husband and I - noticed a new change today. Again, it's [I]very[/I] subtle, but face is looking more, for want of a better word, sculpted. There's a slight concave curve running from cheekbone to jaw and my jawline is looking clearer/sharper/more defined.
Seriously, the changes in the last month or so have been tiny - a centimetre here or there - but that's pretty much all I needed. I'm interested to see what will happen next.
So, I’ve been journaling here for about a month, but that is only the latest stretch of a much longer road. As mentioned before, I’m very tall and have never been outside my BMI zone of healthy weight – at my height that’s a big zone and at the heavy end I’m definitely fatter than is comfortable to me. Have you seen tall women who look solid and rather heavy on the thighs? Not fat, but ungainly? That’s me at size UK 14. I’m not out of proportion, but I feel dowdy and clumpy.
I came to this way of eating from a long, long history of eating ‘right’, with the definition of ‘right’ shifting over time. From age 12 to 28 I was a vegetarian. At age 19 I developed bulimia. My disordered eating spikes in response to stress – emotional, financial, self-imposed – and some binges are not followed by purges, some purges do not follow binges (my purging behaviour is many and varied: prunes/apricots, vomiting, laxatives). At its absolute worst, I was vomiting after every meal – so three or more times a day. But, mostly, I was not actively bulimic; however, just as a dry alcoholic is still an alcoholic, I am very aware that my disordered eating patterns will always be there ready and waiting for me.
At 24 I met the person who was to become my husband. I was a UK size 14. We got married when I was 25 at short notice, owing to visa requirements. In the nine-week run up I put myself on my first ever formal diet: Atkins. Vegetarian Atkins – very low fat, a fair amount of protein (soy, quorn), raw vegetables. I went to bed hungry every night. I lost weight very quickly, very noticeably. I was a UK size 10 when we got married and a couple of weeks later I weighed myself at the GPs and was stunned to see 9 stone. Freakishly skinny for my height. Our wedding photos show me looking gaunt and spindly, but oddly on the morning of the wedding I remember looking in the mirror and moaning about the girth of my thighs, which were still holding bulk.
I gained back a few pounds. After that I maintained my svelte figure for a year or so with little effort. At 28 I decided to quit vegetarianism. My figure fluctuated between UK10 and UK12. Whenever things got out of hand I’d restrict carbs. I’ve never returned to bread, pasta and so forth, my way of eating since that first Atkins blast has always been low/slow carb, but the bulimia returned periodically and my binges were/are fairly predictable: nachos, ice cream, chocolate, cake, toasted cheese sandwiches – basically anything white and carby, either salty or sugary.
At 30 I got pregnant and had my first (and only) child. I maintained my weight – baby got bigger, I stayed the same. I relaxed my no-carbs thing, but ate sensibly, my carbs of choice being pork pies and custard tarts, one a day of each. Breastfeeding got me back in shape within three months. Since my son was born our lives have been incredibly stressful and many things have changed around me – not least emigrating to the other side of the world, being an at-home mother with no friends, unemployment, moving house, returning to the workplace and husband retraining/looking for work. At some point during the stay-at-home phase I started to drink too much. My eating also became more compulsive. In the last four years I’ve gone up and down – again, these are not huge fluctuations, but I can tell the difference between being able to fit into my clothes with comfort and not or, worse, choosing to wear things because they are loose and finding that they are much less loose than they used to be. At one point, when I was wearing joggers and being an at-home mummy, husband mentioned that my stomach looked a bit scary: certainly, since childbirth, my abdomen protrudes more than it used to, no matter what my weight.
Fast forward to three months ago. Following a trip home at Christmas – yum – followed immediately by my aged father having a very serious stroke – very, very yuck – the pendulum had swung too far to the fat side and my clothes weren’t fitting. I felt out of control. Again. Somewhat paradoxically, I was looking for a way to stop carb restriction without gaining weight when I discovered MDA. First, I read MDA posts somewhat obsessively. I took away the following points: cut out all carbs, even my slow carb favourites (beans, lentils, corn chips), and eat fat. I wondered if the slow carbs triggered the binges on ‘fast’ carbs. I had my nachos without corn chips and with full-fat sour cream, adding in a tin of tuna for good measure and wondered why it wasn’t working for me. Husband was bringing home 80% chocolate for me too. I was eating ‘allowed’ foods, but if anything my diet was even more screwed up. I got frustrated.
I started haunting the forums. My head got turned by a number of people posting 3000 calorie days and losing weight. I started to sit on ice blocks, take cold showers and submerge myself in cold baths. As refreshing as this was, I started to question my sanity. The skinny trousers still didn’t fit and in a moment of clarity I thought: why the hell don’t I just eat less? There was the calorie thread, that was an eye opener – was I a believer in extremist BS?
I started journaling myself. And then Fitday gave me some surprising answers. For all my years of eating ‘right’ and obsessively, it has become clear to me that I have only the haziest idea of the macro content of my foods and, more importantly, the quantity I’m eating. I told husband to quit buying me dark chocolate. I tried to stop eating beyond satiety. I stopped adding entire cartons of sour cream to my food. I picked up my husband’s weights and waggled them around a bit, not much just a tiny bit.
One month later and I’m at my happy weight or, more accurately, size. I stepped on the scales the other day – at work and in the middle of the day – and was surprised to see 66kg, I was expecting closer to 60kg, but I’m definitely smaller. I doubt anyone except husband could tell the difference – it really is (over the whole length of me) only about a 1.5cm reduction, but that’s all I felt I needed. Now the interesting things are happening. I’m beginning to build muscle, or at least see muscle definition. I have not binged. Indeed, last night I pushed my plate away with half my dinner still on it. I realised I’d eaten enough (I’m well known for eating HUGE meals, much more than the 6’2” husband does). It has dawned on me that I’m drinking less *without* consciously trying to, before there was much trying involved when I reduced my alcohol intake. My thighs look leaner/tighter and there is a hint of muscle shape, where there has never been any before. My midsection, while still that of a mother, is definitely less convex. My reaction to stress has changed, not necessarily for the better: I’m projecting my anger out much more now rather than swallowing it with food or wine, making me much harder to live with. Husband and child are getting frequent fiery blasts from dragon woman. I feel as though there are more changes to come, but I hope these will be much more profound than dropping a dress size. I read about people rediscovering their creativity and finding balance in their lives and I wonder if/when I will be able to harness that for myself.