Dexy's Anorexic Recovery
Well, I've been lurking and lurking on this forum for some time. I'm struggling and slipping and sliding. I've been primal since December 2011 and have embraced the whole deal. But I struggle with body image issues, anorexia, bulimia (as is purging by fasting and caloric restriction) and compulsive overeating.
I don't actually know what I really look like. My jeans are US size 3, but I look in the mirror and see a big bum. I'm 5.10" and weighed in this morning at 62kg, which is not what I would like to be. I want to be thinner, even though I know it wouldn't be healthy. Then my 'sane' head comes on and tells me I look lean and fabulous and any weight loss would leave me looking a bit wasted. Aaahhhh....the insanity.
I came initally to MDA for unhealthy and anorexic reasons as it kept coming up in search results for how to defeat a weight loss plateau. But once I read more I loved the approach and it all spoke so much sense to me. I feel quite split between having a very healthy approach to food and the constant anorexic obsession with it.
My real battle presently is with the compulsive binge eating. I've been giving Overeaters Anonymnous and good honest go, but meetings seem to trigger me. I went to one last night and bought a chocolate muffin on the way home! So the fasting purge follows the binging purge today. I'd like to eat normally. "Three meals a day and life inbetween" was said to me last night. I like that and this I suppose is my goal.
I left the gym this morning (I did sprints on the ergo and some gentle cardio) and the manager asked me on my way out how I managed to stay so tiny. Tiny? She said I was the most toned and tiny person with young kids she had ever seen. I felt she must have been talking about someone else as during my workout I kept glimpsing a solid looking 62kg woman.
I'm hear to recover and thought it was about time I kept track of myself, put it out there into the forum and leave it to the Universe to offer any responses that will help.
I've been calorie counting of late which only fuels my obsession but I feel I need the control. It's so flipping boring. Having an eating disorder is boring, I'd like to get on with my life. I consume about 1500 - 2100 most days, much more if I hit a binge. I eat nutriously and well, but I struggle with eating like a normal person.
Breakfast - IF - how could I after the chocolate muffin last night?!
Lunch - A whole beetroot (cooked yesterday) and fired in cocnut oil, 3 fried eggs, a head of broccoli, small banana and a tangerine.
Dinner - I'm planning a BAS (lettuce, cucumber, celery, red pepper and balsamic dressing), some chicken liver pate (homemade courtesy of MDA), haloumi cheese and for desert a pair and piece of Lindt 85% chocolate.
This is quite typical of my diet, except for the unholy binges.
Oh well. Recovery is a journey and I hope to get there some day.
[url=http://malpaz.wordpress.com/]Zeroing in on Recovery[/url]
Today I didn't count calories, this is good and bad news. Good because it frees me from the obsession but can be bad as it prevents me from tracking and can lead to binge eating. I'm working on this. I always plan my meals the night before, it relieves any fear of what I'm going to have and allows me to just go ahead and make it without procrastinating in front od an open fridge and making choices which will undo me.
I've been IFing past breakfast for a couple of weeks. Even though IF is seen as a very positive thing for Primal Living, I don't think it's helful for anyone suffering an eating disorder. I do it because my eating is disordered, I'd like to be able to it in a way that is nuturing and listening to my body, but I'm far from that right now. I have gained 4kg since becoming primal and recently when the scales hit 65kg I panicked, went on a guilt and sabotage binge and then began this missing breakfast. Which works. But leaves me grumpy.
This morning I woke up hungry. Usually this passes, but today it stayed. I went out with my husband and our kids but was grumpy and hungry, I counted the hours till lunch. I went for a brisk 90 minute walk around the lake, gorgeous sunny day, birds, wind, bush and blue skies, but all I could think about was getting home for lunch which defeated the purpose really!
Today I ate:
Lunch - 2 pieces fried haloumi cheese, a boiled egg, celery sticks loaded with chicken liver pate and a huge salad made of iceburg lettuce, beetroot, carrot, a small avocado and balsamic dressing. And a pear.
Dinner - chicken korma curry (about 3 thighs and lots of heavy cream), 2 smallish sweet potatos, a head of broccoli and for sweet some Greek yoghurt and a ruby grapefruit. Then I ate a banana as still felt a bit hungry.
I felt a binge coming on tonight. Mine are almost always after dinner, not sure why. I want to eat sweet and crunchy things. But once I start I can't stop, so nuts are pretty much off the menu for me. I don't even eat honey or dried fruit as they trigger cravings for sugar.
Feeling a but pre-menstrual so have happily added some more carbs. There was a great thread about this a couple of weeks ago which I found very helpful.
I didn't binge today, count calories or weight myself. I feel sated and nourished. And that's why I'm here.
Not counting calories also makes me binge, it just happened :(
Yeah, I'm not sure why. The void between ultra control and letting go. It sucks me into the fridge. It's all in the mind. Stuffing down feelings? I hear this a lot, probably true. I'm under a lot of stress at the moment and those feelings are a little overwhelming.
I don't have experience with a serious eating disorder, so forgive me if I say anything unhelpful. It seems to me that you are in that difficult stage of the healing process where you know what you want to do differently (be less obsessive about food and more realistic about your body), but can't do it yet. My experience with other kinds of healing is that if I am patient, I begin to be able to do it differently.
In my own journey with food, I decided one of my highest priorities was not to feel deprived, as I used that in a self-punishing way. So for years I kept treats in the house and ate them whenever I wanted, with the idea of getting to the point where those foods no longer had the lure of something forbidden. Eventually I learned that the higher quality the treats, the less of them I needed to eat. But that was long before primal. I wonder what would happen if you tried eating as much meat and vegetables as you want, maybe even for the experiment eat no dairy, nuts, or fruit. If you felt the temptation to binge then eat meat and vegetables. Would the desire to binge go away if your stomach was full? Could you tolerate gaining weight for a month or so if it helped get you out of the binge pattern?
You are on the path to finding out what works for you. You don't have to figure it out all at once, you can experiment and learn from experience. Try to trust yourself.
[QUOTE=Dexy;844852]Yeah, I'm not sure why. The void between ultra control and letting go. It sucks me into the fridge. It's all in the mind. Stuffing down feelings? I hear this a lot, probably true. I'm under a lot of stress at the moment and those feelings are a little overwhelming.[/QUOTE]
Don't you just wish your body could talk and tell you exactly what, how much, and when it needs something? That would be so awesome. After a binge I'm always stressed, like right now. I'm pretty stuffed but still there's nothing I want to do but eat to get rid of the stress. So I'm just laying here waiting for the feeling to go away.
After waxing lyrical last night about not being able to have dried fruit or nuts, within an hour I was muching away on walnuts and sultanas. A little bowl, then another, then a bit more. Then a bowl of porridge - what? This has become a bit of a fixation which is strange as I enjoy my primal diet. I couldn't sleep last night, anxious and confused and fearful. The oats made me sweat buckets and I was noxious in the wind department.
This morning I feel tearful, broken, useless and terrified. I don't want breakfast because I'm not hungry. But I don't know what to do. I don't want it to be like this. I texted my OA sponsor and will ring another member today, I think it might be the only thing thay can truly put an end to this for me. I will write again tonight, don't want to even think about my food plan for the rest of the day.
[QUOTE=Gadsie;844857]Don't you just wish your body could talk and tell you exactly what, how much, and when it needs something? That would be so awesome. After a binge I'm always stressed, like right now. I'm pretty stuffed but still there's nothing I want to do but eat to get rid of the stress. So I'm just laying here waiting for the feeling to go away.[/QUOTE]
Oh God Gadsie I know that feeling. I also don't know when I'm hungry or not, or when I'm full after being hungry. I think it might be about jsut learning to listen and maybe we can start doing that today. Wanna try? Journallin is helpful, I'll do this today if I get the chance - rampant toddlers allowing.
I wonder what would happen if you tried eating as much meat and vegetables as you want, maybe even for the experiment eat no dairy, nuts, or fruit. If you felt the temptation to binge then eat meat and vegetables. Would the desire to binge go away if your stomach was full? Could you tolerate gaining weight for a month or so if it helped get you out of the binge pattern?
You are on the path to finding out what works for you. You don't have to figure it out all at once, you can experiment and learn from experience. Try to trust yourself.[/QUOTE]
Thank you - I'm sure you didn't mean to make me cry but you just did. I like that idea, I will try. I didn't want to eat meat or veg last night which I guess means I wasn't hungry. I will learn to trust myself, I'm so hard on myself. I appreciate your kindly advice.