I went and saw him.
I explained to him that his assumptions were incorrect.
That he would not have been kicked out, etc.
Also we talked about the position he was putting himself in in regards to the girl he is with and the possible baby(that isn't).
That running off to live with her would not have helped the child at all... getting his shit together, getting a stable job, some education towards a stable job with benefits, etc... which is what I was helping to provide him would have served him, the girl, and the child better, for at least the next year... and I was not saying that he should not continue the relationship with the girl in any way.
We discussed other things.
He admitted that he didn't come home/call me and tell me where he was just because he didn't want to and didn't feel like telling me. Basically he was happy where he was... not that he felt like he could not come home. He just didn't want to talk to me and was partying.
I wasn't trying to tell him what to do in any way, just show him his options and show him how the available options were likely to play out... though I repeatedly offered him the chance to come back home and do the getting a job/getting on his feet thing again.
He told me he wanted to stay where he is.
And while he agrees with all of my logical statements about the troubles he is putting in his own path, he'll just figure it out on his own.
I explained that as long as he was going to keep making decisions harmful to his life, that I couldn't be a part of that... but that if he changes the way he is living that I love him and I'm always here.
Because I can't.
I can't actively be a part of his life and pretend to be happy around him while he harms himself.
This is incredibly hurtful right now.
A loss of sorts.
My heart simply breaks.
There are no words.
My son was brought into this world in a bad situation, and I worked for so many years to make that right somehow.
But the sad truth is that sometimes your best just isn't/wasn't good enough, and you have to accept that and move on.
Whatever I did or didn't do for my son simply wasn't enough to repair the damage that I did by giving him the father that I gave him and that influence.
I failed him in that, and I accept it.
The thing is, I can't do anything about that now.
It's all water under the bridge, a burned bridge at that.
And I can't keep losing him over and over every single year, or every few months, or however often he comes back saying "this time is different" until he get his head straight himself.
I can't because my own issues surrounding loss are just too much.
And I also can't trust him or the people he is with to be anywhere near my home with his current situation.
So, it is what it is.
I'll believe in him again when his actions speak for him.
Not his words.
It's all that I can do.
(And hope against hope that he doesn't fall too far...)
Cori Iam sorry your heart is breaking. I am sending you warm wishes, thoughts, and prayers.
Okay Cori - huge hugs and apologees for dipping in with my naughty nonsense - when clearly today was not the time to be dipping.
You will do what is right for you and yours at the time - we all do. We can't look back and say - I wish I did it this way or that way........
we do what we do - for all the right reasons
anyway lots of hugs, and good vibes coming to you from North Canterbury New Zealand.
Chin up chick.
Sweetheart. You did good. You did the best you could with what life gave you and, today, you did really, really well. You did. Those words will stay with him and, when he's ready to hear them, they will ring like a bell.
Sending love. And hugs. And more love.
That was well done. You now know that you have cleared all the misconceptions and he has chosen to continue on this path. It is good that you set the boundaries for his reentry into your life at a later time. You can't do any better for yourself or for him than that. HUGS
Thank you everyone.
I'm in shit for all shape.
Distractions are my best friend... I read this and that (here or my books), I listen to some music, I might try to watch a movie while I surf here... and then I just cry.
And when I stop doing THINGS to try and sleep the never ending thought chasing circular sort of hell in my head is just so loud.
And I can't be still, and I fidget, and toss, and turn.
I try hard to make it quiet, and focus, and relax... and it all comes racing back and I lay awake in the dark for hours.
Then I get up and practice distraction a while longer, hoping that I will eventually be tired enough to sleep.
That happened today from about 8am to noon.
And then I woke up and it felt like panic... and the thoughts were running their track before my eyes were even open.
And when it rains it pours.
My husband got a call from his mother this morning, her brother in NY had a heart attack and died.
My husband has to leave and go there with her to his uncle's funeral.
It's not going to be easy.
Having him there to touch when I'm trying to be quiet and still and I start to feel the panic rising makes it a little easier to breathe.
Things to do:
Dig out my old copies of Zen Mind, Beginners Mind, and Letters to a Young Poet.
I love it when my PB friends surprise and amaze me yet again with their coolness.
Sorry about husband's uncle and the continuing defecatory tsunami tho'.
Popping my head in to say, again, *hugs*. Thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome. Sending love.