Thank you so muc!!! Not quiate as long . . .
It is so good to see such thoughtful, common-sense responses to a really whacked rant.
I wrote it at the end of two of the most stressful weeks I've had at work in the past two years. I got thrown someone else's stuff to do while she was on vacation, and I got no training to speak of. I had to chain myself to my desk to get it done on time; I had to miss lunch, shorten it, or eat it at my desk; I went home every night with a headache and barely able to walk from sitting all day.
Thursday of last week, after work, I was rushing down the street near my house, desperate to get home and collapse. I caught the toe of my shoe in a sidewalk crack, and my usually helpful hip flexors and other stabilzing muscles did . . . nothing.
I pitched over and heard a crack when my head hit the sidewalk. Didn't black out; I said, "Oh, shit," scrambled up, noted torn stockings and a scraped knee, felt a half-dollar sized lump in my hairline above my left temple. I got home, applied ice, ran through the day's date, the president's name, my birthdate, tongue twisters, counting backward from 500 until I got bored. I spoke with a friend from church who is an M.D. who said that, unless I developed certain symptoms within the next six hours, I probably could just do ice and anti-inflammatories.
To make a long story not so long, I'm generally okay, except for being tired. I'm sort of coping, except that today I took a bite of lunch and was surpised to have a big chunk of one of my molars snap off. Dental appointment day after tomorrow . . .
It's made me more than a little cranky with a tinge of despair.
I have to have my stressful job; I can't afford to lose it. At age FIFTY-EIGHT, I have a resumé that reads, "she has wasted her working life and her degree trying to survive from day to day, so she doesn't have a career that would impress anyone." I am STILL eighty pounds overweight and cannot compete with the hordes of savvy, attractive college grads who are also desperate for work.
I have nothing that would impress anyone, and asking around and posting my work history online has yielded nothing.
Regarding sleep, I do have a CPAP machine that I have religiously used for five years. It has done . . . not too much for me. I can fall asleep anywhere (except in bed of course, though sleeping on the floor for the past few months has made things better). I also have a sleep mask which helps. And I have been sleeping on the floor, which I like.
I go back and forth about what I eat. When I eat really well, I feel good, if tired. Give me a boneless pork chop, greens, and a sweet potato. In fact give me three or four boneless pork chops, a whole pot of greens, and two or three sweet potatoes. There are times when I can eat that much in one sitting. Which scares me. Because clearly my body is saying, "You need this!" AT the same time my brain is saying, "What the hell are you doing to your budget???"
Maybe it's leftover paranoia. Back in the summer, budget-cutting at work got me demoted, and my pay dropped. A couple of months ago, bean counters recognized they did "too much," and I got my old title and pay back--along with additional stress.
I am most pleased with exercise. I am doing more than I was a year ago, but I really need to do more.
So, I'm just having an existential crisis. I'd love a pork chop, but I don't have any.
Thank you again for kindness, suggestions, and support.