I got up and had a couple fried eggs this morning, a handful of leftover veggies from dinner, a date roll and a glass of milk. Heading out to do more mixing of soil and planting. DH and I have been looking at his schedule and will try to get an appointment as soon as there is an opening in his and the naturopaths schedules. It is an hour long appointment for your first visit and it would be tough for the kids to sit in the waiting room and I don't really want them in the appointment with me either.
I got into bed feeling wiped out and then stared at the back of my eyelids until I got up and took some Melatonin. Slept through and woke up about 6am without an alarm. But still feel tired. I am dreading the price of all the tests etc that the doc is sure to want to do .... but I can't keep going like this either. I feel guilty needing to go to the doc - so much money. I feel as though I have failed in some way because I can't figure this out myself - silly I know, but it is there. Feels as though I am wasting our precious funds that are spoken for on so many levels. (I haven't been to a doctor for many years, and the last time I went it was because of a fall. ) I just have to trust that it will all work out for our good despite the difficulties and emotions.
Well, got my ticker updated at last. I can't believe I am back up here in the world of fat and miserable. Not that I ever was slim but I was 35 pounds down and I am back up to 212lbs as of this morning. Having a hard time imagining losing weight again ... can I do it? Am I just destined to be fat and unhealthy and uncomfortable? Damn! I have to get myself going again somehow... I am just sick at the thought of getting into a swimsuit or shorts at the moment. I am feeling bloated and ugly and hopeless at the moment. Grrr! Take deep breaths and try again. Not giving up, not giving in, going to keep picking myself up no matter how embarrassed I am and try again, and again, and again.... One hopes that one day it will come together and I will be able to move on to other issues and my weight and what I eat will become a non-issue. Sometimes I feel so trapped... in this body, in this life.
We are all trapped in these prisons of flesh, and to a great extent our spirits are subject to the whimsies of physicality. (Wow Siobhan, are you always this cheerful?) And you are both a unique individual and also part of an enormous organism that is life. Much like everyone else, but still different. And every day is a new challenge, no matter where you are, whether you wear a size 0 or a size 36. Don't be embarrassed. I feel that every single day I fall and I get up, I fall and I get up. And I suppose I will feel that way every day that I am still breathing warm air. Don't worry about how many times you start over. It will take as many times as it takes.
Coll, STOP WEIGHING! :) You're going to drive yourself nuts. I bet just eating a lot of extra fresh vegetables from your garden along with your proteins and just trying not to overdo too much on food would work wonders. I went to a Greek restaurant a couple of weeks ago, and they had this yummy salad all made up. Wonder if you made the perfect salad -- a huge amount -- in the morning, and then ate that whenever you were hungry if it would help. It sure looked and tasted good in the restaurant. I mean, you could throw feta, chicken, beef, etc. in it. Maybe even a few very well soaked, rinsed, and cooked beans. Just an idea, but it might work. I was wondering. Do you live far from the markets? If you do, you could give your chocolate away and just not buy any for a bit. I mean, you're aren't going to drive an hour for a chocolate bar -- hmmm, or are you? And you will always get to have chocolate again. It's pretty much guaranteed to still be in the market, so you know you can have it, but maybe just lots of good stuff for a couple weeks -- WITH NO WEIGHING -- until you feel better. Just a thought. You just have so much stress going on that having to make chocolate decisions hourly might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Like Siobhan says, we just have to keep picking ourselves up. Each day is a new day. Heck, each hour is a new hour. So, each hour that you feel successful is good. Yes:-) Sending you good, positive, and cozy thoughts.
Just looked at a couple of your food entries and wondering if, with your stress level, if some of it isn't a bit hard on your digestive system -- fried eggs, milk, date roll, pecans. Maybe scrambled eggs would be more soothing, heated milk with turmeric and honey instead of cold, etc. I like to soak nuts overnight (rinsing several times) and then dehydrate them to get rid of the toxins which are hard to digest. Just a thought. But foods that flow through more gently might take some of the tiredness away. Again, thinking of you:-)
I bought a 'last' bar of chocolate yesterday, for the moment anyway. None at home that I like now. And I stocked up on veggies yesterday. Our garden is not to the point of providing lovely fresh produce. We were under about 18 inches of snow just the other day! Of course today is supposed to get up to 90F - yuk! I cut up extra veggies last night and had a big bag of veggie chunks with greek yoghurt dip for breakfast, with some leftover german sausage. And I love the idea of turmeric tea - haven't had that for ages and it is so good. Probably be helpful in more than one way, it can be a healthy treat that is still super yummy :)
On the downhill slide with school now! DS finished his reading curriculum and isn't far off with his math - although he can be a real slowcoach when he is not in the mood. DD has one book left for the year, she is almost half way with a math book (but she already finished one years curriculum earlier this year) and I am SOOOO looking forward to having time off where I can do some of the things that I really want to do. Like go for a walk first thing in the morning with the kids ... paint rocks.... get the camper set up for spontaneous camping trips. We are planning on going away with the camper for my birthday weekend at the end of May. Looking forward to it!
We strained the raspberry mead into a 1 gallon carboy last night and there was plenty leftover for us to enjoy :) Yum! It is the most gorgeous red colour. We drank it in the stone 'goblets' that we bought for ourselves for our anniversary last year. In fact I think I will share a picture :)
And just for fun, a picture of the lake I drive past to go to town, very unusually cloudy and raining. The drive always does me good though and it is as if that scene is never the same, always dynamic and each day/ hour it shows a different face.
I slept terribly last night. Really sleepy and then once in bed couldn't drop off. Got up and took melatonin, then DS came through in the middle of the night with a nightmare. Nowadays the kids usually sleep on the sheepskin rug next to my side of the bed when they need to be near - but he was so freaked out that he climbed into bed with us which never makes for much sleep on my part. A queen size bed with three people is somewhat overpopulated! (IMHO anyway)
I spent a happy hour putting up plastic fencing for the peas to climb up and rearranged the bird netting over my gardens (the robins have a taste for spinach and beet seedlings!) I have a jar of habanero and garlic potion fermenting on my back porch getting nice and strong for me to spray on my plants and around the garden. That bunny is going to have to 'hotfoot' it somewhere else :) And the deer too! I had squirrels digging up and eating my tulips and it gave me such a thrill when I applied the spicygarlic juice to the bulbs. We actually saw a squirrel dig up a bulb and take a bite - it dropped the bulb like a hot potato and took off. I guess it let everyone else know because we never had another bulb dug up :) It also sorts out cats using gardens for pottys etc - great stuff.
Beautiful picture! I wish there was a third mug for me! Would love to tuck into one of those. I'm so glad it turned out well. (I have a bottle of blueberry mead waiting for me, not homebrew, but delicious.)
Well Siobhan, once it is aged and truly yummy we could share :) I only have a gallon more! We have quite the little collection going now ... all of it still in the process of aging enough to be really nice. Plum wine, peach mead, blackberry mead, cherry mead, raspberry mead and now a batch of dandelion mead just started! That is quite a labor of love I must say - getting the dandelion petals separated from the green bits - so glad I wasn't planning on doing more than a gallon! That blueberry mead sounds nice Siobhan! That is high on the list of flavours to try ...
I spent some time mowing the remainder of the lawn this morning. It was a bit of a workout as the grass has gotten so long! All the snow and rain have turned this semi desert into a lush green oasis for the moment. The grass was about 8 inches long and thick too. Poor mower was on the verge of choking most of the time. I am trying to move more - an am. Just got to hang in there and eventually the changes will start to happen again.
Wow! How do you ever get to town? :) That lake is so beautiful -- you must just want to stop right there. Can you swim in it?
Your food is sounding better, and I sure hope you're sleeping well tonight. I put my food on my journal for you. It's cooled down a bit, and we've had some rain, so I'll probably be eating more cooked things. I guess you'd have to call the list on my journal my hot weather food list. In colder weather cooked vegetables and chicken soups and things sound better. Think I'll buy a whole chicken tomorrow and make a yummy soup.
I sure love hearing about all the lovely things you do outside. It reminds me of our goat farm when I had 2 1/2 acres which needed eating or mowing:)
LOL Pam, it is beautiful isn't it. There is a very tiny area that one can swim - way too cold still. Will possibly try once it is warmer and the water is no longer straight snow melt! Unfortunately you have to pay to stop there so I drive on by 99% of the time. We live in a beautiful area though - we have a state park just around the corner from us where we spend a lot of time at the lake and river.
We went up to look at the tiny cabin today. So hard to know what to do. I really like the area, the cabin is tiny and we would have to really squeeze to get in there. Would have to be very creative and simplify big time. I am talking a 1 bed 1 bath rustic little cabin on 3 + acres in a river canyon. So beautiful and we would be saving a heck of a lot of money every month on rent/ mortgage. DH is a carpenter by trade so could put a covered porch on that could be converted to another room before the winter. Bunkbeds in the bedroom and something like a Murphy bed in the living room for us. Could we get a loan on it? Should we? Room to roam and play and garden and have livestock, there is a creek that runs through it, South facing (important for winter) etc. Lots to think about and try to figure out. Really need wisdom and also favor with some lender...
Thinking about trying sheep for milk ... I really like sheep's milk and lamb and mutton ... wish I had access to some rare Welsh dairy sheep. No-one has them over here. Thinking about mountain lions and black bears and sheep and chickens and seeing a lot of electric fencing in our future!
Found two mice - long dead and stinking to high heaven in the base of kitchen cabinets. I thought our mouse troubles were done - but the sneaks snuck in! Wish I had a cat or two - much nicer than mouse traps. (for me anyway :) )
We only had wool sheep -- Romney's -- but I loved them. We had tons of goats -- mostly Cashmere, a delightful Mohair, and a brilliant La Mancha. Goats are easier to milk -- a bit higher off the ground and not so much wool -- and their meat is delicious if you don't mind the goaty/gamey taste. Mmm! Goat stew. Goats have the funniest sense of humor. Sheep are just beautiful. I love them all -- obviously!
I can so picture you on your three acres. Squishing would be okay for a while, yes? Think LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. Does the cabin have a wood stove? You could attach a lean-to to the cabin for the sheep for starters. We always brought our livestock in for the night. Predators love goats and sheep. You could have so much fun -- especially if you were able to move quickly and get a head start on winter. It sounds exciting. I do hope you can do it. What do your husband and kids think about it?
Wow! What an adventure! Any tiredness you have been feeling would just dissipate. And what a homeschool experience. Animal husbandry and organic gardening! My kids sure loved it.
Keep us posted on that one. How far is the cabin from civilization (grocery store)?