Show, then aid - Sabine

Sadly, the sweeteners were straight out of the jello box. Another thing I did not even look at, knowing it was not primal. I do know how to make from-scratch primal desserts, but none of my friends are primal, and the palate really is different. What I find to be way too sweet now, is just right for them. And just right for me: well, the last thing I want to see when I give my friends dessert is a pucker and a forced smile.

So I poured sugar-free raspberry jello over a big pile of frozen organic raspberries, just enough to hold them all together. A scoop of that in a small bowl, topped with whipped cream (two cups of heavy whipping cream with 2 T of sugar-free cheesecake pudding mix). Top THAT with half a dozen fresh raspberries. Worth the vague jitters I have had today. Knowing I would be feeling antsy, and like I just wanted to put something in my mouth, made it easier to deal with the feeling. Granted, this does not always work. But today I was strong. I was going to see a movie ('Gone'- really enjoyed it) and was determined to eat nothing at the theater. Before I left I had a small Liquid Fat Bomb. I was able to smell the popcorn without wanting any. Two points for me.

And now, flush with success, I am going to bed ON TIME!

Night, night.

When I got on forums this morning, my eye was caught by a post in the meet and greet section. The title was 'I'm so discouraged' posted by Michelle Gray a couple of weeks ago. I clicked, because that is an emotion I relate to.

For me, discouragement sweeps in and knocks me over. No slow build, and me being stoic. I am going along, doing fine, then it seems as if suddenly I realize, 'I am not fine', I've just been on auto-pilot. And as soon as that realization hits, bam, the emotion hits me as well, and well, I usually fall.

So, as I am reading the posts, I thought about my yesterday. I had eaten too late on Friday (on purpose), and items which made me feel on the edge yesterday(Saturday). But even though I felt on edge, and not the 'good' that I associate with primal, I acknowledged it to myself. A few times I even said, 'this will pass, don't worry'.

Is this how I should fight discouragement? Don't let myself be on auto-pilot, but sit up and take a look at my emotions? Something for me to think about.

Yesterday:
Up at 6:00
Vitamins
7:50 2 egg omelette(backyard chicken eggs, yay!) with
turkey
6 mushrooms and 1 T green onions sauteed in
lard

1:15 1 1/2 C mixed greens (canned, sadly)
many mussels in
butter and garlic
1 C whipping cream with
sugar-free pudding mix (leftovers from Friday night)

3:45 apple
almond butter

5:00 small liquid fat bomb- made the right way
2 oz cream
2 oz coconut milk
1 egg
1 pkt stevia
1 t vanilla

Bed at 9:30

Did a lot of jottings about emotions and physical symptoms in my paper journal, which I won't go into here. But I'm pleased I noted them down. Maybe I am getting more mindful.

Dozing with my honey this morning, I thought about saying, 'let's go to Denny's'. We used to go every weekend, and it seemed like that kind of morning. Then I thought about how pale yellow their eggs are, and thought of the delicious orange-yolked ones in my fridge. Much better to stay at home.

Eggs and baccy, here I come!

I know the urge to go out and "celebrate" with a breakfast with the family - and just have some fun. I love that you resisted it too. I've been working on rewiring those thoughts and staying home to my own chicken eggs and farm raised meats, and organic veges. Most resaurants don't serve the quality of food that we eat at home and then I'm disappointed in the end. Now I make a nice breakfast at home and plan an outing to the park or to walk the dogs. It's better for everyone and I'm settingup a different mind set for "fun" that the kids will remember when they grow up and have similar urges.

My family comes from Germany, so growing up, we had potatoes for dinner every night. Every night.

I loved them, but still, when I left for college, I swore, no more potatoes.

Once I was living with my boyfriend a few years later, though, I took up with potatoes again. Especially when I fell for the low-fat philosophy. Potatoes were good for you, with hardly any of that pesky fat.

I remember one dish I made: as many potatoes as I could boil in my big pot, peeled, and mixed with condensed cream of celery soup. I would eat, and eat, and eat until I was ready to pop, it was so good. And I fed it to my kids, too.

Then I fell into low-carb. No more potatoes because of their carb-count. Then I read 'Neanaderthin'. Definitely no more potatoes, because they were something you couldn't eat raw.

I fell off that wagon a few dozen times, but I had mostly given up potatoes. Now I eat them a few times a year: at Christmas and Fourth of July, when I make our family-recipe potato salad. A baked potato once or twice at a restaurant.

So, why, yesterday, did this catch my eye?

Potato starch.

In a little box next to the baking soda and specialty flours.

I bought some, and used it to thicken the gravy in my shepherd's pie tonight. Am I rationalizing that it is better than wheat? What the heck is going on here?

Oh, potatoes, why can't I quit you?

Hi Sabine, Glad I found your journal. I like your writing style. I subscribed and am now stalking you. Bwahahahaha
Keep up the good work.

Dear Pebbles,
Thanks for stopping by. It is always fun to see that someone else has looked at my journal. Guess I am an exhibitionist at heart, allbeit, a shy one. See you back at your place! (Bedrock Journal, for anyone who doesn't know. Pebbles has a great journal that I've learned a lot from.)

Well, whatever twitchiness my late eating and sweeteners on Friday gave me Saturday, was gone yesterday. Yay!

Up at 6:45 (9+ hours)
Vitamins

8:10 2 1/2 bacon
3 eggs scrambled in
coconut oil
1 grilled tomato

1:00 salmon burger with
artichoke mayo
mixed veges- broccoli, water chestnut, carrot, peapods, dill
olive oil
lettuce with
ranch buttermilk dressing

5:50 shepherd's pie, made with
lamb
carrot, celery, red onion, garlic
thyme, marjoram
potato starch (!)
turnips
butter, olive oil, bacon grease (the triumvirate!)

7:15 blueberries
coconut cream

Bed at 9:30

Coconut cream has recently entered our lives, and my daughters love it as much as I do. So glad I can sneak a healthy fat into them. They have watched 'Fathead' and are not believers in the lipid hypothesis, but since the outside world constantly bombards with the low-fat message, I worry.

We make it by putting the can of coconut milk in the fridge for a few hours before opening. Then we scrape out all the 'risen' cream, and leave the 'whey' behind. Sometimes I use that in curries, sometimes it just gets tossed.

This morning I made some tucks in my jeans. They've been drooping down below my belly swell (my, how charming that sounds) and generally driving me crazy. So I sat down and did the tricky sewing through stacked layers of denim, and took them in. Now the waist is sitting up where it should, and snug, but not tight, around me.

However...

I am a soft and squishy person at this point in my life. Pants that fit around my waist mean a muffin-top. There is just no getting around it. Not a gourmet muffin, that looks like a balboa tree, but still, a definite roll. If I stand up straight AND suck in, I look fine. But thirty seconds of that is about all I can stand.

I won't be tucking in my shirts any time soon.

I am a self described coconut cream junkie!!!! If you can get your hands on some coconut cream concentrate it will make you swoon! I make "candy" out of it since it is solid at room temperature. Melt it down, add stevia, nuts, vanilla, chocolate, or whatever youre craving, pour it onto a cookie sheet and then let it harden in the fridge. It it like eating a candy bar.

[QUOTE=Sabine;730518]All the regular reasons to start my own journal, but this is what got me going:

I've been reading other journals, for inspiration, and to get my primal fix, to help keep me on track. One poster was lamenting that 'she didn't have a death wish, so why was she acting/eating like she did.' I was at the end of a day of just that kind of behavior. Having more of the symptoms that make me wonder if I'm headed for a heart attack, or pancreatic cancer, or stroke. All my fears just running wild.

And it is directly attributable to how I eat. When I am eating primally, I feel good. Within a day or two of 'slipping', I feel like crap.

And yet, I keep slipping.

Reading that phrase, I wondered, do I have a death wish? Yes or no, I don't want to be the kind of person who does. Or who acts like they do. Every bit of accountability I can wring out of myself, well, I just have to.

Last month I went to a workshop on play that a friend was presenting. One of the exercises was to write your novel's plot as a haiku. And it was really fun.

So, I'm staring at that phrase, 'death wish'. If it is strong enough to motivate me to start my journal, maybe it would be good to have it as my focus, my title. But I believe in the premise that your brain does not comprehend negatives. Every time I looked at 'no Death Wish', my brain would analyze it as 'Death Wish.'

Not the effect I am going for.

So I started anagraming, and came up with 'show then aid'. That's a keeper, because it plays into my fantasy, common to many, I think, that I can lose weight, be healthy, and help others by my example. Plus, it has that little writerly tinge of 'show, don't tell'. No one wants to take advice from someone who is still fat and unhealthy. Which is why I keep quiet about how I have been eating. Though I feel good, and lose weight when I am doing it, I have had too many relapses to be anything but an example for how turning back to sugars will screw you up.

So, my journal. A way for me to show myself what I am doing, so I can learn how to do it. And have the goal of someday showing others how it is done.[/QUOTE]

New to MDA. Looking through the journals, your title jumped out at me b/c I'm in the same sort of boat. I have people all around me who eat as if they have a death wish (as I also tend to eat) and I'm always preaching that they should eat differently, etc, follow this plan to alleviate their symptoms (I know someone with fibromyalgia), etc., all the while I'm stuffing my face with cookies and Mt. Dew.

No one was taking me seriously, so I just shut my mouth. Now I'm changing my tune and instead of TELLING I'll be SHOWING how great it can be to eat like our evolutionary ancestors. No more preaching... I'll show then aid them by providing the same materials I used to reach this breakthrough!

Thank you for your journal. I will be enjoying it.