It wasn't that hard yesterday, so maybe I am selling myself short on what I need as a way of coping with stress. I've used food as a coping tool for so long, I don't know if I've really developed other methods.
I was never encouraged to express my feelings as a child, or even FEEL them, so the thought of having an empty space in which to just feel and think is more scary than relaxing.
But I still had a good breakfast this morning.
8:30 fried ground beef with
1/4 white onion
1C leftover stir-fry vegetables, mostly broccoli
2 fried eggs
1T green chiles
2:30 1 rotisserie chicken leg
6:30 bratwurst (on a stick!)
1 large bite fried cookie dough
4 fried cheese sticks
lots of water
I consider this a Fair Food success! I'm going to fast again today, just because I feel like it. I am planning pot roast for dinner, which I'll be sad to miss, but which tastes great as left-overs. And since I won't be eating, there will be plenty of left-overs!
Sabine, I can surely relate to your comments about expressing feelings. I surely know how to feel them. What has occurred to me (late in life, unfortunately) that by not allowing your children to express themselves, even if negatively, you thrawt their ability to mindfully express them. I often blurt out things that would have been better with a mindful thought process. The minute I do it, I know it and feel bad. Once spoken - too late.
I was an only child for 10 years and was often talked about in my presence like I wasn't there. I would hear how shy I am or how much I pouted. Hard to explain. Perhaps I was pouting because you guys all acted like I didn't have a brain, opinion, or the ability to express myself never developed. Sad. For. Me.
Hi, Perennialpam, thanks for stopping by. That's one thing I have been successful in: allowing my children to express their feelings. Just because of reacting to how my parents raised me. Of course, my children will surely be doing some things opposite from me, but hopefully not that!
Feelings can be so scary when you don't know how to handle them. It feels almost impossible to me to 'just feel' negative emotions. I don't know what I think is going to happen, but I get very apprehensive. And then I have the apprehension to deal with as well! (Usually by stuffing something into my face.) Just another life challenge, I guess.
Feelings can be so scary when you don't know how to handle them. It feels almost impossible to me to 'just feel' negative emotions. I don't know what I think is going to happen, but I get very apprehensive. And then I have the apprehension to deal with as well! (Usually by stuffing something into my face.) Just another life challenge, I guess.[/QUOTE]
Heh. Welcome to my world. I was raised to believe negative emotions don't actually exist. If I were to emote them, I'd usually get in trouble for it. So, to this day, I have trouble with letting out negative emotions at the tright time in the right way. I usually bottle them up until the straw breaks the camel's back, and then I'm a screaming sobbing mess until it's all gone. Obviously not the right way to go.
Wow, I'm trying to imagine that.
Still hoping for that phone call to come......... I've been away from the forum since Thursday so I'm running to catch up on whats happening........ Oh my......... LOTS. Kidnapped doggies, flat tires, pepper spraying mailman, and awaiting phone calls! I'm sure I missed something as I tried to quickly scan the pages! :)
Life never stops happening does it! Perhaps the entire world needs to schedule an all out holiday week! Everything halts and everyone takes a long deep breath! :) I think that sounds quite wonderful.
It is so interesting to my read other people's experiences with emotions, and expression, or the lack thereof. I don't know where I fall on the spectrum. I was basically raised as a feral child - I am Girl #4 in a very large family, and I did not get much attention. I pretty much ran wild, going wherever I wanted at a young age, riding my bike everywhere, not telling anyone where I was, no one noticing I was around or not. I used to stay out all night, sleeping in the yard or in parks, no one noticing I wasn't there. It was great. Of course it was a different world then. I am not advocating that anyone let their kids sleep in a park these days. Never occurred to me to ask my mom or dad for help, or guidance, or whatnot. Anyway, these days I tend to just say stuff and not really know how it is going to be received. I also totally free associate and make statements right out of left field. Probably my ideal career would have been in some kind of think tank where I just came up with crazy ideas that other people had to make happen. Umm...I'm doing it now, aren't I?
A dangerous post
I have hated my mother.
Hated her for abandoning us. Hated her for being so obviously uninterested in me. Hated her for making me beg for her love and getting...I want to say nothing, but hey, she wrote two letters. THEN nothing.
I don't think I hate her anymore. I am becoming indifferent. That makes me sad; I have no wish to be indifferent to my mother. But I think it is a step up from hating her. At the least, it is easier on me. I am tired of crying, of feeling bad, of thinking poorly of myself because of her.
It is a cliche to blame the ill in your life on your mother. I have made plenty of mistakes on my own. But she screwed with me so early that a lot of crap I deal with CAN be laid at her door. I'm still learning how to be a capable person.
Ooh, I feel kind of sick, writing this.
I was never physically abused. Or verbally, or emotionally. I was just...not important, not worthy. And the things I did to conform to or deny that, have warped me.
And this was with a great dad, who DID love me, and stick around for me, and make his own mistakes, but was always THERE, trying. And yet, I've come to see that a lot of what I do is to get my mother's approval, or confirm that she was right to leave us (me) because I am worthless, incapable. How messed up is that?
I write this journal under my own name. Anyone who was interested enough, could know who I am. I have no desire to hurt my mother's feelings. But I feel pretty sure that she'll never be looking for me online. Why would she? She doesn't look for me in real life. Strange that if she cared enough, she might be hurt. That's why it is dangerous.
I guess it IS like real life: if you care, you can be hurt. If you don't, you're safe.
But who wants to live that way?
Regarding the above
Someone else's post made me think of things parents do that mess with us. Luckily, I made it to my own journal before I let fly.