Huh. I guess my life is a bit--just a bit-compartmentalized. Looking at this, one would think I think of nothing but food. IRL, though, I have groups of friends who think I am focused on a) books/writing/marketing, b) politics, or c) meditation practice. Maybe what that really says is that I have a wide range of people in my life and I don't want to upset any of them.
Which could be part of what got me here to begin with. My day today went about like Mondays usually do, which is to say it was shorter than I needed it to be, given that while I was on a conference call this morning (two small items added to my to-do list), two emails came across with longer-term projects, and when I went to check out one that came across on Friday it had grown from a "please add to" to a "please write this and ask them to add to"...etc. Then I got home and yippee, had a check in the mail for a couple of proofreading projects. Banked it, quite happy being paid by people who appreciate my work, and up popped an email from a boss (technically not MY boss, but ... ) demanding something that is at odds with his demands of just a couple of weeks ago. Not thanking us for making his previous request a priority, just telling us we needed to do more of it.
There's no good way for me to confront him on it, although tomorrow I will ask my boss to ask the other boss to back down, since we're moving on the larger project that these demands are part of as quickly as we can.
I love my job, which is fortunate, because days like this aren't friendly to our relationship!
Then I got home to the renewal notice from my apartment complex, informing me that the earliest renewal (which gets a "discount"), for the longest term (another "discount" -- and yes, the quotes are deliberate!), raises my rent by $75 a month. Not renewing at the earliest possible moment raises it $100 a month.
Since I don't have any need or desire to own a house, it looks like I'm going to be moving. What I'd really like to say to them, of course, is--if you're so happy with my tenancy (they are and should be), why are you raising my rent? Your expenses didn't go up. You didn't hire any new staff, and odds are good that you didn't give the current staff generous raises. Maintenance doesn't spend $75 a month on my place. Water and utilities and trash aren't built in to the price.
And I desperately want comfort food that involves cheese and chocolate. Well, not in the same dish. In my dream world, the cheese would be stacked with bread or pasta or something. Okay, so the pasta isn't really a temptation. I've somehow managed, with all my ups and towns, to avoid pasta for the past 3 years, and I don't miss it except as something to soak up the good stuff once in a really great while. But I really want a pizza, and a triple-chocolate ice cream to top it off.
Because, apparently, I internalize stress.
Fortunately, there is no pizza in my apartment, and I didn't make the mistake of stopping and pretending that 'once in a while' is okay. But I did discover a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips in the refrigerator (cookies that didn't get made at Christmas), and opened it and started eating them before realizing I really didn't like the taste. So they went in the trash. Yay, me.
The problem is, I'd like to think that once in a while is okay. I'd like to not internalize stress. I'd like to not have weeks where I want to chuck my meditation training through a window because there are days when I forget it actually works (okay, I don't actually forget that, but I do forget to make it a priority). I'd also like to think that perfection is a possibility.
On the bright side, I DID spend a good part of my weekend cooking, so I had curry ready within 2 minutes of reheating, and I WILL take time to meditate this evening, and I WILL set an intention that everything is happening because I need to be there where it's happening, and acting as if will turn it into really being, and all will be well.
But I still want chocolate ice cream.
Ever notice how our (American) society revolves around how much sugar we eat and where we can get our next caffeine fix?
When I first dropped sugar from my diet, it became obvious (this might be similar to someone who quits smoking and then realizes their clothes smell like cigarettes). If you aren't watching an ad for a new car, odds are pretty good you're seeing one on fast food. If you drive past a drugstore, gas station, or convenience store, the signs almost always will tell you how much soda you can get for the least amount of money.
The ads for super greens that will rock your world, however? Pretty nonexistent.
So this week was....stressful. Even by my standards. Three days of training on managing our new website. I'm not a techy person, although I'm pretty competent at using computers. Since I write, and manage certain types of communications that will involve the website, I opted to take this training so I wouldn't have to rely on the more tech-y types to do half my work for me. And found myself ass-deep in alligators. And since the rest of my job didn't go away while I was spending 8 hours a day in training, it's been even more stressful than usual, and I brought about 40 lbs of work home.
This morning, I spent a bunch of time getting lost on the internet reading more than I probably needed to know about GERD (followed a link from Lex26's journal--I don't HAVE GERD, so I probably shouldn't have), and a bunch of stuff I already knew about diabetes, which I'm heading for, and scared myself silly, since what I do currently have is a problem releasing my addiction to fast energy (see the aforementioned national obsession with sugar and caffeine). Caffeine, mostly, but gee, I wonder what the chances are that my weight loss challenge is as much related to high stress levels as anything else.
Breakfast this morning: two eggs, 2 oz sausage (I'm going to make my own this weekend), 1 cup mixed greens (baby kale, arugula, chard, and some others. There was a box. I took it.), 2 tablespoons shredded cheese. I eat less cheese when it's grated than if I cut it up, so I've moved the stand-up grater to a permanent home on the counter top. Off to drink my cranberry water and then go do the grocery shopping.
Ugh. Has it been a MONTH? Good grief. I've been on vacation this past week (at home, just working less than usual) and despite my best intentions....(sigh). I haven't felt like cooking, so it's been pretty basic, and it's been Chinese twice in the last week. I'm typing my way through not getting it today. I'm in a funk, I'm annoyed with myself, and it's showing. I wanted to get so much done, including regular blogging, writing some articles, finishing the meditation book, adding to the fiction books, and more.
But yesterday in my inbox was an email from Mark (well, sorta. I doubt he wrote it himself) letting me know that my 2012 goals had been posted. Another email from another list spoke about making changes in the moments they count. Yet another talked about how we know whether we're being nurturing (to ourselves) or avoiding. It's been that kind of day.
So I'm going to go fix myself a hamburger and a salad, and I'm going to post on one blog (I have three, with another one coming for a new business enterprise, and yes, this might be why I'm exhausted all the time). I'm going to get ONE item taken care of for a writing contest I'm coordinating, and I'm going to read ONE chapter in a book I've been working on, and I'm going to write just 100 words, and I will feel better.
Also, I just read the post from last week about the reasons we don't do what's good for us and that's renewed my resolve to do some more of what's good for me. I've been "doing okay" (except for the aforementioned Chinese takeout) and seeing zero progress. Zero. So on the off-chance that I need to be doing better than okay, at least until I bring my body back into some kind of balance, the goal is back to 100% off food I don't know the ingredients of, 100% off grains of all kinds, and 100% off sugar (except for dark chocolate). I also need to aim to tolerate stronger chocolate by moving my taste buds that direction.
And...it's March. I'm reenergized, remotivated...still struggling, but wth--eventually, if I stay focused on starting over, it's bound to stick, right?
Just started a walking challenge at work: random prizes, prize for most steps on the team (there are multiple teams)--won't win that one, since our porter knocks out around 30,000-40,000 steps a day between his two jobs. I don't think I have TIME to beat that! However, wearing a pedometer does keep me aware of how much I'm moving. I've given myself a goal of building to between 10,000 and 15,000 steps a day average by adding 500 steps a day to the previous day's total. Yesterday was 6100+ steps (not great, but more than some people, and that was doing just normal things, no extra effort to move) and so my goal for today is 6600+. As I write, I'm up to 5947 and I have to go home, check mail (waiting on a check for some freelance work) and then go downtown to the library. Even with all the driving in the process, odds are pretty good I'll surpass my goal by several hundred steps. And if I get some sleep tonight, I swear I'll be back in the gym tomorrow.
Meanwhile, my mom's gone primal and has lost weight, lowered her fasting blood glucose, and is feeling better than she has in a while. It seems so easy: eat real food, not too much, mostly plants and animals (paraphrasing Michael Pollan).
Interesting reading: am reading The Blood Sugar Solution by Mark Hyman--he mentions SAD...and says we do not need carbohydrates for health (we need fats and proteins) (I guess because we can get the nutrients from our proteins? or maybe I misread)...but then turns around and unless you pretty much already have diabetes, he suggests eating grains (although not too many, at least). But he says that if you are "advanced" to avoid grains for the first six weeks of his plan....so why doesn't he recommend it for everyone anyway?
Last but not least, "lunch n learn" at work today, with reps from the Y coming in to talk about moving more, but among the handouts, the gov's "plate" and a "rate your plate" that has all kinds of CW suggestions. I should have taken my primal lunch with me and taken the chance to tell people...but you know, until I lose some weight, I'm probably going to feel like the world's worst ambassador for primal.
Breakfast: crap leftovers from the Chinese takeout I gave in to for dinner last night. No justification, really, since it didn't even taste that good (except the meatball thingies in the middle of the dumpling).
Snack: 1 oz dark chocolate and a handful of cashews
Drinks: oh, yeah, more poison (my only consolation is I drink the DC 99% only at work--very rarely anywhere else since I'd really rather have tea or water). But also two bottles of water. I've noticed the more veggies I eat, the less I need to drink, but it is Florida, and I am too heavy, and so drinking more water feels right, so I'll probably drink a couple more bottles today. Not to replace hunger, but because I'm thirsty.
No idea what I'm doing for dinner--maybe stop for cabbage (which I don't have on hand) and do a stir fry of veggies with either shrimp or scallops: I have both.
I don't do self-hate, but self-loathing and I have a long and dysfunctional relationship. In a previous post I mentioned that I'd talked my mom into going Primal--she is doing great--lost about 30 or so pounds, brought her BS level to a healthy range, feels wonderful. I, frankly, suck.
I'm probably 70% primal, but I'm going to go ahead and label it 10%, because the truth is not eating bread isn't all that challenging for me, unless fast food is on the menu, and so really I just have been eating what I want. I lost a few pounds, but they're back--well, that's not quite true. I think I lost 7 and gained back 5. But I keep dreaming of what it would be like to be healthy again. Living alone (sorry, major whine coming on here), and with a very busy work life, it seems like I'm either rushed or bowing to some range of depression (it's not that I WANT to be alone, but the right guy and the right time never seemed to coincide, and I'm too stubborn--or something--to spend my time with any of the myriad "wrong" ones; also, I've had roommates and I'd rather not, thank you. Nothing wrong with them, but if I'm going to share a residence, I want it to be because of love, not convenience.). So....at the moment, rather pissed off at myself, since I am a smart, capable woman who has done this primal thing before, yet can't seem to stick to it this time. Still, there's a lot of energy shifting in my life right now, so I think it's time.
Trying again. I think I loaned my book to someone, but tomorrow (pay day) I'm going to order the 90-day journal. Would have loved to get it on the "deal" but it's rent week, and with some of that shifting I mentioned that's gone on, I'm counting the pennies. Actually, some of that shifting involved dropping/losing (it was a moment of mutual dissatisfaction) a client, so my cash flow sucks, but I have more time...so step by step, I'll get there. I'm not going to post multiple times per day--I'll be doing well to post multiple times in a week--even with the extra time, there's so much going on that most of the time I can either do or talk about doing.
Cheers to second (and third and fourth) chances at starting over.
Last post, part II. I'm actually in a major funk--after successfully dropping 10 pounds over the summer, I have suddenly become the queen of "gain"--as in, I went on vacation on Monday and have gained 4 pounds since. Probably water weight. I'm also suddenly getting acid reflux attacks again. Not surprisingly, I have been eating a lot of grains over the past few months. I'm Primal maybe half the time. At the moment, I'm angry--not just at myself, but at an unnamed and unknown supporter. Yes, I want a primal knight in shining armor to gently point out that the reason I don't feel well is probably more the crappy food than the hormones (tmi alert: it's that time of the month), but still....I'm honestly furious that I can't seem to keep my act together long enough to feel successful.
And what the hell is that about? I've done Primal without knowing it was primal. Lost 50 pounds in four months, in fact. But I suck at the stick-to-it-iveness part. Probably also why my published works are all short stories (20k average).
Rant over. I just read over all the success stories, focusing on women of a certain age--I have a hard time relating to 22 year olds of either gender, and men....well, their weight loss just depresses me! Also, no one really talks about how hard it is, which leaves me wondering what I'm doing wrong. Blech.
Okay, rant over. Tomorrow I'll clean out my pantries (there's no junk in the fridge, except in the form of condiments). Donate to the food bank or some acquaintances who are food insecure. Throw out non-Primal leftovers (there aren't many, but some). Pretend one day at a time that I can do this again. BTW, this morning I weighed 2 pounds more than when I started this journal a year ago. Again, probably water weight, but it still needs to be lost, because I need to lose over 100 pounds...and some of that's water!
Primary goal is that--one day at a time=success. Guideline goal is 20 pounds in four months (mid-June?). I have a family reunion in late June, so that's not as much as I want, but it's a start. Might have to give myself a reward at that--a new cookbook. I have all Mark's, so I'll have to hunt one down....
Primal breakfasts are easy. I mean, maybe once a year I crave pancakes or cereal, but really, I'm not sure that's much of a craving. Although I will say, if you're a seed eater, millet and quinoa make rocking breakfast cereal (toast the quinoa in a skillet before adding it to water; it takes the bitterness out), but that's about it. This morning was eggs, bacon, and a stack of veggies--shallot, small bell pepper, baby bella mushrooms, baby spinach. Sauteed in the bacon grease and then the eggs half scrambled alongside. Toss some garlic in the mix and yum....
I'm still on vacation (through next week), so the downside is there's no job to distract me from sugar cravings--no, I'm not hungry, just craving sugar. The upside is that I'll be through the crappy part when I get back to the office. I'm off for a short walk to see if that helps, then I have to write the next chapter on my novel, so....
Keeping records---yesterday got rounded out with homemade chicken salad for lunch--non-paleo mayonnaise, but will try making some on Sunday (tomorrow I have an all-day event to which I am taking paleo foods to the potluck, so there'll at least be that). Dinner was non-paleo, although light. I had some leftover spring rolls in the fridge, so I ate a few of them and then threw the rest in the trash. So at least dinner was vegetable-heavy. I also roasted veggies and will have THOSE leftovers with breakfast today. After breakfast, I'm off to forage at the grocery store. Only problem with an all-day Saturday event is that I won't make it to the farmers' market, so will have to make do with slightly less-fresh vegetables. blech. Scale started creeping back down this morning, which is a relief.
Same day, different moment...
So one of the things I'd forgotten is that even just a day or so eating principally protein/veggies (albeit imperfectly) is a wonderful thing: I went to the grocery store this morning, but instead of waiting until post-breakfast, I did that first (with a half-carton of yogurt as my pre-breakfast). This--the half-carton of yogurt--has happened consistently over the past few days. I like yogurt, really. Apparently I like it more when I eat more sugar, because these past few days I've only eaten a half carton (so....3-4 ounces?) and then didn't want any more. Still have a couple cartons left, but no more after that. It'll be plain yogurt if any. The important bit: grocery shopping took forever because of the potluck tomorrow. I successfully resisted any sugar "wants"--even a little bit--came home, and fixed breakfast, finally eating around 10:15. (eggs, spinach, leftover roasted veggies: squash, peppers, asparagus; half a shallot, a couple mushrooms....yum) More veggies than anything.
My next meal was at 5 pm. I simply wasn't hungry. I had to resist some sugar cravings--reminding myself I wasn't hungry!--but other than that no desire to eat. Can't do that If you follow the clock and add carbs. Normally, a primal breakfast is really easy for me--even when I'm eating non-primal. But if I'm also eating mindlessly, and grabbing a carb-y snack just because I'm craving something, then at noon (granted when I have to be at work at 8 I can't wait until 10 for breakfast) I'm grabbing something whether I'm hungry or not, just 'cause it's lunchtime (for the record, except for morning meetings, I have one of those jobs where if I skipped lunch for a walk or book, or just worked, I really can wait until 3 for lunch. I'm not accountable to a time-clock, for example.) But mostly, I think it's the carb-reliance.
So at dinner I ate some not-really-primal lobster bisque and some cheese and some really non-primal crackers, but I stuck to one serving of the crackers, and the soup was low-carb, so I had maybe 30 grams of carbs today? I do need more water, though, so I'd better go get some out of the car. A little heavy lifting....
It's possible I could have gone without dinner as well--I was just a little hungry--but with this potluck tomorrow and breakfast out (eeek), I didn't want to risk being in too-hungry mode when those happen. I have to leave at 7:30 tomorrow a.m., so not sure I can eat before I go....
So a couple things happened today that have encouraged me to start a new thread. Partly because I had this fantastic name blossom in my brain, and I didn't want to start a public blog. Perhaps one day when I've lost more than a pound and a half. Although maybe I should create it anyway, save the name.
I know, that means I have to figure out the whole signature thingy all over again, but at least if you ended up here, you know where to go next....
Come find me at "It's not about the bacon"