Expected to be starving when I woke up this morning. But I wasn't.
Had coffee and walked the dog about 2.5 miles. Lovely time of day. Now its 90. I'm ready for fall. I think I started saying that in June.
Went to work until noon and then came home. And was STARVING.
B - 4 eggs, 3 whites, small sweet potato, tbsp butter, small avocado. Too lazy to make guac so I just ate the avocado sliced. Munched on a few pieces of honeydew as I cut it up.
Met friends for dinner last night around 7:30. Which is too late for me if I'm not exercising in the late afternoon to kill my appetite for a while. Munched on a bit too much cheese around 5:30 because I was so hungry. And a bag of freeze dried mango from Trader Joe's too... That wasn't because I was hungry. Just because it looked some darn tasty.
D - chipotle - passed on the double meat and guac due to cheese indiscretion - and had a salad with carnitas covered with mild salsa. Finished off the honeydew when I came home with a few pieces of frozen mango.
Was a little concerned that I really blew it today calorie wise, but fitday says 2400. So, that is fine. Last night totally could have turned into a binge. But I used some RR techniques and it turned out fine :)
I agree with you 100% on the personal power thing in terms of OA and AA (I've been to both meetings in the past) and I was also turned off by the whole "I am powerless over my addiction" concept. I accept that for a lot of people it makes sense and they have found a way to control their addiction and more power to them, it just wasn't right for me either.
I had to believe the opposite and that I do have power over it. Learning what foods I can safely "binge" on has helped me immensely. I'm not all that big on sweets or chips. But a 32 oz Porterhouse... now we're talking! :-)
The guy who wrote Rational Recovery is REALLY against AA. The book reads a bit like not only is he trying to help you quit your addiction - but he wants to make sure you hate AA by the end too... That gets a bit old.
Its funny - my fiance has always said to me "you can't say you won't ever beat this or that you can't, you have to believe you can or else it will never happen". OA/AA takes that away. Because step 1 is to say you are powerless. I don't know - maybe it works for some people. I did find a lot of comfort in just meeting other people who do what I do though - no one that I know is a binge eater and it was just nice to find a group of people who knew what it was like... But I think, at the end, it was not the right method for me.
Feeling blah today. Woke up not feeling well - not rested, puffy, tired. Generally ick. Hungry but not in the mood to eat. Wah wah wah. Poor me. Anyway, no mood at all to eat my way out of this, so that is good. Took fish oil, vit d, and b pronto this morning hoping it might help with energy and mood. It didn't. But still no binging urge.
Took dog to new park today. Very tempted to leave him there... some times he does so well, others, not so much. Very annoyed by this - more than I should have been. He was just a nuisance - nothing "bad" happened but I was fuming. His cuteness can't even make up for it today :)
B - @12:30 - 3 eggs, 2 whites and an apple
Off to crossfit now. The WOD looks as though it may destroy my hands. I have new weightlifting gloves though - perhaps they will help with all the bar work. My hands have been so sore lately - and I've been taking better care of my callouses - I don't know how the "good people" do it...
Crossfit - protein shake
D - 7:30, leftover tongue (about 3.5 oz), with onions over salad with guac and some sliced jicama on the side. 1/2 large honey dew + magnesium.
I'm so not in the mood for heavy food. I would have eaten nothing but fruit for dinner if I could. Not in the mood to binge on it, I'm just not in the mood to eat anything else. Maybe it is the heat.
Fish oil: no
Vit D: no
Vit B: no
Rational Recovery Reading: yes
Had a class out of town yesterday morning.
B - @9: coffee with cream, @10:30, 4 hard boiled eggs and one sliced apple - an early season Mac - I love fresh apples. So crunchy.
Crossfit - protein drink
D - @7: 5oz burger, onions fried in butter, broccoli fried in butter, big chuck of sliced jicama with guacamole. Munched on snap peas and carrots while cooking dinner. Still felt hungry after dinner. I had been hungry since 3 PM but didn't eat anything. Figured it was "real hunger". Had 2 oz of good blue cheese and 4 rice cakes with a tbsp butter. And then, despite some rational recovery self talk, I ate about 3 oz of macadamia nuts and a Lara bar and 3 slices of swiss cheese. And then a little less than a serving of TJ 85% chocolate. So frustrated. I have a tool now. I wish I could get it to work.
Out of town for a few days. Didn't eat the ice cream and other assorted goodies I knew were around where I was. Which may be a first. Felt surprisingly non-bingey while I was away. Usually this trip does me in, but happy to report not this time.
We went out to eat one night and I got a 1/2 a roast chicken. It tasted deep fried. I don't know how they did it - the skin literally tasted lightly breaded and fried it was so crispy. I googled crispy roasted chicken and got some ideas - I'd love to be able to replicate it.
Brain Over Binge came in the mail yesterday. Between this and Rational Recovery (which I believe was the major force behind the recovery for the author of BOB) I'm going to kick this thing.
Fish oil: yes
Vit D: yes
Vit B: no
RR Reading/BOB: yes
8:30 - 3 hard boiled eggs, 2 pieces of way-too-expensive Irish bacon from Whole Foods
9 - 12: work
1:30 - left over drumstick, sliced garden tomato with vinegar and basil, 4 rice cakes with butter, 1 pack of almonds
Crossfit + protein
Salmon cakes (such a good, budget friendly recipe), cauliflower rice, salad with blue cheese crumbles and some sour cream
Bowl of cherries and last of the freeze dried banana crumbs - may have a few squares of TJ chocolate before bed
Not feeling binge-y today. Still nervous about the next time an urge to binge comes along. But there is so much in Brain over Binge and RR that makes so much sense. I almost want to go out for ice cream just to test it. But maybe not yet.
Boo - binge last night. All primal and thus I'll be fine tomorrow. I guess this Rational Recovery won't just be magic but maybe will take some effort on my part.
I didn't want to post this but since I'm using this as a way to keep track of things myself since I don't journal or log food.
Alrighty, I'm back. That binge was my last one. There was a death in the family and then a vacation and the beginning of school and all has been manageable... I finished reading Brain Over Binge. My apologies to getting all riled up in the thread that suggested to "just stop binging" a while back. Turns out it was right. I'm still working on Rational Recovery but I've gotten through the main parts and have been able to put them into effect.
I had one night (on vacation) where I wanted to binge very badly. I even stuck some $ in my jacket and walked to the camp office hoping to buy something (in my head I was saying "I'll be good after vacation") - but they had nothing. The urge went away rather quickly once I realized I had no options and when I woke up the next morning and found the money in my pocket I was so disgusted that I had almost given in and so encouraged by the fact that the urge went away so quickly when I just didn't binge. I've had much more success with the few other urges that arose and am finding that the urges are not as frequent or intense as they used to be.
For example - yesterday was my first day back at school (as a student - career change). It is a very stressful program and I suspect there is some "weeding out" going on in these first few weeks. Overall it was a stressful day - everything is different than my time through college and grad school - a lot is on-line and digital and I spent hours yesterday trying to do things that should have taken 30 minutes just trying to figure out how to navigate these "blended" courses. My trip to the bookstore led me to discover that my books are over $1000 (which is quite unexpected). There are vending machines all over campus. And I was quite amazed to find that I didn't try to console myself with some sort of crap. I ate my hard boiled eggs and strawberries for breakfast and my shredded salsa chicken with jicama and sour cream for lunch. I didn't even need to talk myself out of buying candy, I just didn't want to. I know it won't always be this easy but I'm grateful for the days it is.
Food plan for today:
Vit B: no
BF: 2 prosciutto wrapped frittatas and strawberries
L: crock pot salsa and chicken (this is so much better with TJ fresh salsa - making this with jarred salsa was always soooo salty), jicama, avocado
Crossfit + protein
D: ? leftovers
Had some free time this afternoon so I dug this up. I tend to not keep up with it when I'm being "bad"... which explains my absence. I was feeling really good after doing some reading about binge eating but have slid back into bad habits. I wish I could say it was going back to school (again, for yet another degree) was the reason but I don't know that it really is. I can find patterns in my binging but I know, in my heart, that RR is right - every time I binge I make a choice to binge. And I just need to make the other choice.
Anyway... back to journaling:
Fish oil: done
Vit D: done
Vit B: done
6 AM - ran 1 mile with dog in new NB semi-minimalist shoes. That I hope to break in slowly. And not get a stress fracture like I did with Vibrams...!
on the way to school, coffee with 1/4 c half and half
BF - 3 eggs, left over roasted broccoli, "pizza topping", 1 tbsp butter
L - leftover red wine flank steak and kobucha squash (<-- LOVE THIS STUFF!) with 1 tbsp butter
Xfit - been skipping the protein shake, not sure if this is good or bad
D - salad with blue cheese and vinaigrette, paleo sheperd's pie, 2 small apples, 4 tbsp PB