well, here was the plan. eat bbq meat and bbq chicken and veggies and water and put the pastries in the freezer
here's what happened; ate the bbq and chicken and vitamins. then ate cream cheese pastries and a long john with a giant glass of milk, watched sister wives and noted what a giant douche nozzle the husband was, showed bay a screen shot of the husband sitting on a wife to tie a tree to his car, read a little, watered plants, talked to dogs, tried to kill ticks in alcohol but THEY WOULDN'T DIE. FOR OVER 30 MINUTES THEY LIVED IN ALCOHOLLY DEATH. mom brought me a vanilla diet dr pepper from sonic as an extended b-day gift, my sister threw in some personal uncomfy details about me into their argument to deflect attention and i heard 2 versions so i don't know exactly how she phrased it. regardless that hurt the hell out of my feelings. now i'm movie watching, ate rice noodle spaghetti and a bottle of diet dr pepper and am discussing fingernails with my bay
having long nails bugs me as they get in my way, but i'm curious as to how long i can grow them before they start breaking. they were good before primal, after primal they are rock hard. and they always did best when i ignored them. so maybe i can be like that lady who wants to be famous for her nasty long nails and toe nails *witchy hands* *clack clack clack*
i forgot what else i wanted to say. oh well.
and there's that whole 'loving yourself' thing i'm bad at again. i think that may be a key. or else i'm just grasping at straws.
i know how to love others. i love my bay quite easily. i love my boys. but i don't.. know.. if i love me. or if i can love me. or what loving me would feel like.
i know that i feel a quiet peace when i'm outside checking on plants, and talking to and checking on pups in their new play area
i just don't know how to love me. i wouldn't know where or how to begin. in my mind i see myself helpless in the face of an angry and mistrustful child. that the child is part of me should make it easier, but it doesn't.
This is one of those things that falls under the "that sucks, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one" file. I have others that I love, I have people that love me. But all I see are flaws and weaknesses. Those are much harder to love when they're you're own.
That is disturbing about the ticks. The solution? Fire. Always fire.
That's a tough one... especially if you've ever been 'not loved' by someone who is really supposed to love you, like unconditionally and stuff.
I struggle with it on occasion, like I think most people do unless they are freak narcissists... but I used to be an island of self loathing. I had no idea what that whole 'loving yourself' thing was even supposed to mean, much less how to apply it. It was a completely foreign concept.
For me therapy helped some... it got me out of the hole anyway. Then I found philosophy. I'm good with buddism and taoism, some of the ancient greeks (particular love for Heraclitus). Never as religion, but as a philosophy and a way to move through the world such that I could be at peace with myself and others, regardless of faults. It was a way for me to learn to let go of how other people felt about me, or how I felt about how they felt about me (derp), and just be okay with me as me, flaws and all.
The most important thing to remember about this is that it's always in process. We are never really finished.
Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home - Basho
Some days the terrain is just a little more challenging than we would LIKE... we will probably live through it, and it's always more fun if we approach it as an adventure. But sometimes it's a necessary part of the process to stand at the top of a fall and let our stomach tie itself in knots for an hour before we take the plunge too. ;)
Terrifying or Exhilarating? Both I'd say.
However... it is easy to become trapped in 'groundhog day'. Circling the same patch of internal space, never moving along on our personal journey. That is really the most horrible and painful of things.
I'm all for poking the hypnotic, swirling, surfaces of bubbles just to watch them pop.
my parents wanted me to be christian real bad. so of course, i looked more towards the philosophy of other beliefs
i figure we're all going to the same place anyway
and i have a cold. perhaps birthday pastries are partially to blame.
and i watched a stupid video by nicki minaj and chris brown. and seeing her dancing around that crazy asshole made me remember things. and i got nauseated. SMHSMH.
[url=http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/35-lifechanging-ways-to-use-everyday-objects]35 Lifechanging Ways To Use Everyday Objects[/url]
and a very big THIS
[url=http://www.buzzfeed.com/brodiemanthe1st/the-least-erotic-reading-of-50-shades-of-grey-by-2txu]The Least Erotic Reading Of "50 Shades Of Grey" By Gilbert Gottfried[/url]
On of my friends insisted that I'd love 50 Shades of Grey. I'm about half-way through and I'm having the damndest time making myself read it. She's SO innocent and he's SO cold and precise it's more like a parody than anything else. I mean, when the ONLY thought in her head is "He's so hot!" I have a very hard time identifying with her.
I think my friend thought I'd like it because the hero/lover in my favorite series is called The Sadist- for good reason- and the close second series is written around an anguisette- a woman touched by a god so she really finds pleasure in pain rather than needing to be trained to it. But . . . see . . . they have stories in addition to the sex and violence :)
Sorry about the stress. Don't know what to tell you. I think you know more about primal than I do. Hang in there![img]http://www.6gb.info/h12-1.jpg[/img]
someone at my neighbor's BBQ recommended that book to me. if it's a lot of power play with her as the bottom, not interested. good to know. i prefer dynamic relationships.
[QUOTE=drssgchic;837632]On of my friends insisted that I'd love 50 Shades of Grey. I'm about half-way through and I'm having the damndest time making myself read it. She's SO innocent and he's SO cold and precise it's more like a parody than anything else. I mean, when the ONLY thought in her head is "He's so hot!" I have a very hard time identifying with her.
I think my friend thought I'd like it because the hero/lover in my favorite series is called The Sadist- for good reason- and the close second series is written around an anguisette- a woman touched by a god so she really finds pleasure in pain rather than needing to be trained to it. But . . . see . . . they have stories in addition to the sex and violence :)[/QUOTE]
I'm actually a fan of sex with violence. I like it. I like ti read it written well.
However, the 50Shades version of weak/innocent/meek/needy will do anything for love with a "hottie" she "doesn't deserve" + cold and calculated assjack is pretty much the opposite of sexy. It's creepy... and repugnant.
The Story of O, on the other hand... also a tale of a female bottom... is dynamic and deeply self evaluating IMO.
I've played both parts... and both can be played with heat, feeling, and love and without all that other twaddle.
Drssgchic- feel free to message me the authors/titles of those books. I'm always looking for something good. And those sound better than average. ;)