That is perfection. :o
why is it so hot? why am i so hot? why do sweat pants make you hot when you just want to be warm?
and i like this picture, mainly because i took a similar one of a previous and also beloved pet
squirrels have found the bird seed at my homestead. and i've decided that squirrels are stupid. mainly for the one who was sprawled crossways on the feeder with his tiny furry butt aimed in my direction. when i cleared my throat he just stared over his shoulder like he got caught fapping or something. like O.O
i've made it a little more comfortable at the homestead, inside anyway. the layout is so straight that i'm not sure if i can be too creative with furniture placing. the yard is still full of glass and nails and wood shards and i'm seriously thinking about just getting a quote from a yard service then setting money aside and let someone else worry about it
then sit on the porch like a southern belle, gracefully fanning myself and occasionally sipping a fruity alcoholic beverage with random ejaculations of 'ah dew declayuh'
l o l o lol...ol
some days i have a mental collapse. it can last anywhere from 5 minutes to several days, it really depends on how quickly my inner tough cookie takes over.
i've been sleeping but i haven't felt rested so that always doesn't help. it started with some insecurity, okay that's fine no big deal, next thing i know i feel wholly unprepared, unworthy and pathetic
and i hate it, because a whole lot of past experience made sure the feeling of unworthiness was ingrained in the dna. i can't shrug it off as emotional bs because it's 'paht of hew i ahm', i just ignore it until it sucker punches me in the solar plexus
then boom, i am a pathetic human being who can't do anything. i'm disgusting, i can't do anything right, i haven't lived up to my academic potential, i am a stupid and pathetic little mouse that's terrified of life and i don't deserve the peace and happiness i finally found because i'm weak and fat and crazy
so, like i said, sucker punch. physically i'm standing, emotionally i'm curled over and holding my abdomen til i fall. klaxons sound, TC runs in to the pilot seat still chewing lunch and i spray paint a delightfully tacky garden ornament a homogenous satin almond white and try not to accidentally huff the fumes
then i had steak with a side of bacon/squash/brussels sprouts and white tea while i watched some season 1 spartacus
stole this from bay
i was sitting on the homestead porch this afternoon watching birds and enjoying the mind-silence, after hovering over minor repair work, when i started thinking to myself that i couldn't do that forever. watch birds and be peaceable and sht for the next 50 something years. that's not productive. that won't make me a billion dollars. it's ridiculous.
well, i used to pray for peace and this is pretty damn peaceful so pipe the fck down, brain. why the hell can't i watch birds for 50 years? i am a grownass woman.
i am in a bad bad mood. back hurts, the giant hand has a handful of muscle and is twisting. all my nerves are rubbing themselves against sandpaper. i want to punch everything in the face. i can't find the perfect angry song for my mood so marilyn it is, because i like this even if it's old
and mice died in the walls. it's not the normal dead flesh scent, i wouldn't be that lucky. it's a sickly sweet smell that i hope dissipates soon. i found secret hoards of poison pellets in kitchen drawers so i'll need to vacuum carefully, and offer the rest of the pellets with a sweet smile to the squirrels who are eating bird seed and belly flopping on the roof at all hours. in a gift basket. with bows. and then when they lay gasping on the ground and weakly ask why, i'll say it's for startling me when i'm trying to get things done. there is no reason anywhere at any time to throw yourself against a wall and gallop across the roof sounding like the jersey devil. ass.
ugh. mind dump isn't helping.
Kill squirrels! They freak me out. All fuzzy and cute looking, but they're just rats in uptown garb.
You can do whatever you please. If you want to get rich, get rich. If you want to watch birds, watch birds.
Didn't Audubon get rich watching birds???? hmmmm