[QUOTE=drssgchic;798911]I tried that once in college. Never again. There are some things that just shouldn't happen while astride a horse![/QUOTE]
Based on this line alone, I can tell your journal rocks. I guess I should start from the front though.
Lol- I make no such claims, Pebbles. I think it got better when the guys started hanging out here :)
Ugh, today, I embrace the suck and go for the fail. Sushi and a frappiccino for lunch. Did you know that Starbucks now has a fourth size for their frozen drinks?! Because you need this stuff in larger amounts! Geeze. I'll stick with my Grande, thank you. One gazillion calories is enough, I don't need two or three gazillion.
I think I need to return to survival-mode for the moment. None of my clothes fit, which makes me feel exceedingly unattractive, I'm feeling weak and useless, and this is making me not care/actively eat crap food. Which, of course, reinforces the above because I swell up and my muscles are poisioned leading to more crap. I just put in for the second half of next week off. I hope I get it. I need time to bask in the sun, go for walks, and basically get my shit together mentally and emotionally so I can do the things I have to do to actually fix my life.
I have some ideas of possible jobs- REI has good health insurance, and rock/landscaping material places would offer fresh air. For secondary jobs, I'm considering a garden center to work on my knowledge and my debt at the same time. I could then pick up grunt jobs around them for really spare cash and some exercise. Now I just have to come up with the emotional equilibrium to smile and be pleasent and not tell them that the bulk of humanity can go fuck itself, but I really am quite good at customer service! :D
I'm reading Eating Animals at the moment. I think his ultimate stance will be that because 99% of animal agriculture is factory farming, vegetarinaism is the safe way to go. Which, of course, ain't what I'm about to do. But it really does get me thinking. Particularly his definition of "stress." It's an industry euphamism to avoid the word "suffering." What I call stress in my job is in reality my animal nature suffering at being locked into my veal cage with my unnatural lighting and highly-regemented schedule. This, combined with what's been posted recently about the Gulf, makes me just want to run away and hide and raise goats and rabbits to feed myself and ignore the world. We have so fucked up our home, and there are so many that are ignorant of or avoiding that fact. And my desire to care for and heal at least a corner of it is foiled by the necessity to play the game so I can get my hands on some land in the first place. That's not right. Really not right.
It be what it be. Playing the game of life beats the alternative, says me.
There's the rub. I don't believe that it is always better than the alternative. I'm just concerned about the fact that the alternative is popping up again as a vague (don't worry, folks, very vague) possibility. I need to fix my life enough that it is clearly the better of the two. I don't have the support system out here to let it get any worse than it is right now. I have to fix it while I can.
(None of this is helped, of course, by watching two of my three sibs struggle with finding work. Just walking away from a paying job really isn't possible- no matter how much it would help my mental health)
I hate it when I get in the funk. It is definitely chemical and bad food choices only make things worse. Just pulling out of the crap myself and now things seem to run so smoothly. I eased up on some of my food choices a few weeks ago as my hubby was in the hospital and with all the stress I decided that a little ice cream or some Starbucks was OK. Then a few glasses of wine (or tequilla) and a piece of pizza (hadn't had wheat in like a year) and next thing you know, my immune system went nuts. That really woke me up about the need to be strict for my own sake (pain can be a real wake up call).
Advice: Eat a big protien breakfast and set yourself up for success. One good choice leads to another. Give yourself a break and get some sun at lunch time while you eat more good protien. Go hiking with a friend (or friend's dog) that you can talk with or just talk it through by yourself. You will find a way to make the changes you seek. I think some of the way you are feeling now is your inner growth showing through.
Thanks for the advice, Mud Flinger. It is at least in part the growth. Unfortunately, I'm not growing in a socially acceptable direction, so accepting and encouraging that growth is not as easy as one might hope. Oh well, it it was easy, everybody would grow up :)
Almost a pound and a half of steak, some red wine, and some chocolate chocolate chip icecream (yeah, yeah, it's gone now) made me feel much better. Veggies? What are veggies? I got to bed at a reasonable hour and slept pretty well.
B- tea/cream, coffee/cream/CO/D, pot roast. This could be two meals, but it looks like I'm polishing it off for breakfast. Guess I was hungry.
Can't weigh today because I'm wearing a really heavy skirt. Does this outfit hide the fact that I'm getting corpulant in the least? No. But it doesn't inhibit my breathing and I like the swish around my ankles. And because the skirt is ankle-length, it means I don't have to wear heels with it. Which is comfy.
I love being a girl. I do. But the emotional highs and lows it causes makes it that much more difficult to figure out whether I'm mentally stable or not. I'm doing good today. But how long will it last this time? And will the next low be hormones, brain chemicals, or just a funk? I guess this just means that every day is a complete surprise?
Lunch was a nice walk and coffee with cream. I could eat, but I'll be fine until I get home for real food.
I've had 49 views of my blog today. 2 from Sweden. Who the hell are these people? It's pretty cool, though :) A lot of them came from a link to a facebook page for the group my last post was about. Good of her to get me into Facebook since I don't have an account.
It's funny, on the one hand, I know I'm somewhat above average in intellegence (it's been tested, I'm not bragging), but on the other I'm not used to thinking of myself as being particularly interesting or worth reading. Just verbose in the written sense. I guess that's what I get for being the white sheep of the family :) It's wierd, and very flattering, that there are complete strangers (y'all included) that think I am worth reading. So, thanks! And I guess this proves that I really need to get cracking on my writing, since I might have an audience.
Writing may also help you to discover your "something" that you've been looking for. Glad your funk and choices are going better today. Knowing that someone is looking at what you did or even caring can make a huge difference also so yay for the blog hits!
You sound just like me with the on and off emotional crap. I've recently tightened up my eating program and started working on reframing my mental and emotional attachments to food. More in my journal if you are interested.
Sometimes I take something of a sabbatical from my emotions. It helps.