The quiche actually was more like lunch. Just wasn't hungry this morning. Lots of tea with cream. I had some dark chocolate this afternoon. I'm going to the barn, but I'm kinda hoping there isn't much to do. I just want to curl up in a ball, have a cry, and sleep. Depression sucks. I don't have much going on this weekend, so it should be a good time to catch up on sleep.
I hope your weekend is a good one.
Not particularly, Canio, but I appreciate the kind thoughts.
Turned out the barn was cancelled due to wind, so I picked up a pair of muck boots and went home. We're calling this weekend a loss. There was excessive food, and not particularly good food. The only good thing that happened was that I got to see the house I'll be moving into later this summer with a friend, and we checked out her yard for her garden.
I finally finished the bone broth. It may have been cooked too long. Whatever. I didn't cook, I didn't actually set up my supps until this morning. I didn't clean- which would no doubt help my allergies. I didn't accomplish anything. Which, of course, feeds into my self-image caused by depression that I am incapable of doing or being anything worth, well, anything. I got a line on a possible job change- but I haven't pulled up my resume to update it for submitting.
An unofficial weigh-in this morning states that not only did I undo everything I did last week, I have a new high score. Sweet. My life is fulfilled.
B: Tea with cream, CO, and D
I think I'll be getting coffee with half and half on my break. It'll keep me from eating so I can keep the quiche for lunch since I don't have enough time to go out for anything. The last of my cream is in my tea, so I didn't have any to bring in.
Hmm...well, that sounds not too great. I wont say have a good week because that is just too trite, but try to find one thing at least that makes you happy. Sometimes it only takes a small glimmer of hope.
Who knows- this might turn around tomorrow and I'll be positivly chipper. It happens. In the meantime, I'm feeling rather lonely and unloved (which is stupid and a symptem of depression and I know it, but there it is) so I appreciate that you're checking in :)
I think a big part of it is I'm feeling trapped again. And I can't really do anything about it at work, since I can't get outside to garden while chained to my computer and my employers have the ability to see anything I do online. I don't think I'm under any sort of close observation- but just the fact that they can know what I'm doing forces me to be somewhat circumspect. All hail Big Brother. Then when I get home I'm so emotionally drained and tired that I just don't do what I know needs to be done. Then I don't sleep well because of it. It's a vicious cycle. On the up side, I did put together my supps this morning and managed to get to work on time, too. It could be worse. All I have to do is survive April. That's it.
Oh these vicious cycles. I keep telling myself I'm just not motivated, but some of my lack of "doing things" is exactly that: I'm drained. It's not just jobbing it up 9-5, it's not being content. I'm filling out my self-eval for my annual performance review and I find myself thinking "what do they want to hear?" and realizing that a lot of the time I just don't do anything at work because I just hate being here. That has more to do with job-life and less to do with the actual company, though I wouldn't mind some personnel changes (crochety old man not-boss). There's a question on the self-eval: "Are you happy in your current position?" and I hate to lie so blatantly on it, but I don't feel like I can really articulate why it is that I'm unhappy without admitting that sometimes I don't do jack. I feel guilty because I'm sensitive sometimes and I'm not sure if some of my unhappiness here is just that, and I need to learn to deal with it. I don't want to end up searching for a new job right now!
OOps, sorry to hog the whine-space. Here it is.
Lol, feel free to whine away! I think that's what this journal is going to be for a bit!
I'm with you. It's actually HARDER for me to be bored shitless and not allowed to move than when I'm mentally and/or physically challenged. I'm drained as much by the human contact (being an introvert) as I am by NOT being able to get up and run around or really be engaged in what I'm doing. I'm wasted in my current position, and it kills me. I'm really, really tired of being useless. I've spent enough of my life that way and I just want to be useful! Unfortunately, the one department in the company where my skills are truly relevent and I have proven my worth isn't on this site. Because this is a corporation, just letting me be part of that department isn't possible. I don't have four layers of supervisors over me to make sure I do my job. Never mind that I don't NEED that many layers of supervision- but god forbid I be allowed to be semi-independant. The whole system might just implode.
Since you're tech- would it be possible for you to say you like your position but you would like additional/greater responsibility? Would that give you actual challenges- or is it like here where additional responsibilities would be coming up with "competitions" to keep improving our metrics "fun?" I hate self-evals. If YOU can't tell ME how I'm doing- then how can I tell YOU how I'm doing?
It's easy to feel overwhelmed by the dual halves of the day: soul-sucking daytimes, exhausted and unproductive evenings. Just try to remember that you don't need to do [I]everything [/I]on your list in one day. Break it down into small, do-able chunks. Don't beat yourself up over what you don't get done, and allow yourself the luxury of recharging your batteries. Chip away at the to-do list a little at a time, and have some sort of cleansing ritual each day when you leave work. For me, it's an easy call when the weather is nice: take the dog out on a long trail expedition. Whatever it is, move from passive and inundated to refreshed and powerful. Maybe take 15 minutes and meditate, or just do something out of the usual routine that gives you a lift going into your evening.
And don't worry about those weekly fluctuations on the scale. Just keep working on the underlying health, which it sounds to me like you need to really get better sleep and to work on peace of mind. These are stressors, right? Inflammation and all that bad stuff? I know this sounds like new wave hippie dipppie bullshit, but letting go of the daily stuff that keeps you from really doing what you want to do is important.
Thanks FW, "one day at a time" is something I forget a lot. Sometimes I look forward to the potential future so much that now starts to become really mundane and depressing. But today's ray of sunshine is playing a violent video game when I get home! :-P
As for the self-eval, I don't know if I'd risk asking for responsibility (I imagine getting quickly overwhelmed just at the prospect0, but I might mention that I feel underutilized. I'm already including (in the "if you could ask for one thing for your job, what would it be?" section) that I'd love the opportunity to travel, working with other IT depts in other offices, for training & helping with projects. I'm not ready to request a transfer to CA yet :)
Now that the sun is up, I need to start walking again. It's physical, and I'm getting sun. In not too long I'll be able to stop in my garden on the way home, too. Given my pathetic performance on my lunch walk today, I clearly need to start doing SOMETHING. A mile is NOT that far. I have considered learning how to meditate on and off. I probably should just do it.
A big part of my problem is that there's a difference between deliberately doing nothing to recharge and being useless yet stressing about it. The time I spent basking in the sun this weekend really wasn't productive, per se, as I wasn't doing anything physical and I was reading a novel, not a gardening book. But it was on purpose. The movies I watched when I really should have at the very least been starting food for this week were not on purpose but I did it anyway. So I got little accomplished and also didn't relax. Gah. I need a vacation.
Weekly fluctuations are one thing. 217 to 225 because of piss-poor food choices that I KNEW were piss-poor when I made them just sucks. I do need to work on my mental health- it always helps me be physically healthier- but it's hard when I hate 40 hours out of every week. At least 40 hours. *shrug* I'll get over it. Always have in the past.