Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Ok, I’ve been polishing off a bottle of wine and I’m a tad tipsy. Listening to Mumford and Son’s The Cave. Probably going to listen to some other sad-ish songs as I go along. Had my counseling appointment this evening and in that sort of mood.
But despite all that…..
B – 3 slices bacon and 2 scrambled eggs. 1 or 2 clementines.
L – Last of the chuck steak and collard greens. Small mixed salad w/ Newman’s Own olive oil vinaigrette. Still need to make some of my own salad dressing. Making chicken leg confit tomorrow. Been curing for 24 hour so far, wiped off the salt and herbs this evening so things don’t get as salty as they did last time. So they’ll sit overnight then going in the crock pot for 10 hours with olive oil tomorrow morning. Will make some salad dressing with the olive oil, maybe tomorrow night.
D – When I got home and got the kids to bed I had some of my soup. Couple of bowls. Had been cooking all day. I came home over lunch after a presentation thing I needed to go to, so I could stir and reset the crock pot. Cooked for over 12 hours. Carrots, parsnips, celery, tons of onion, 4 chicken thighs, and 1.5 quarts of bone broth, 1 can of commercial chicken stock, and I guess close to a quart of water. Pretty yummy. Forgot to put the spinach in though, so I put it directly on top of the 5 lunch buckets I made up. It will wilt up some when I heat it back up, I’m sure.
So I had to go to a lunch presentation thing today so I didn’t get to the Y.
Now listening to Nickel Creek’s Out of the Woods. This was on a lullaby CD we would play for the kids. Think it’s just a beautiful song.
So today was pretty awful. We just can’t get this money thing figured out. How the hell are we supposed to be able to separate our accounts when we can’t even make a go of it combined. And she paid off the damn house. We’d be so screwed if we had both of the mortgages.
And it seems I have a lot of fear. Of course I knew that. I’ve got fear of going forward, really facing being on my own permanently. So that’s fear of going forward, fear that we’re making a mistake and that I haven’t tried hard enough to save our marriage. At the same time I’ve got fear in going back, that we really don’t have enough to make a marriage work. And that really sucks. She’s my best friend, still is. And it sucks that being best friends is not enough. And it sucks that we’ve put so much time and effort into this (well, maybe we put the effort into it. Now I think we did pretty poorly with the effort) so we put time and effort into it, and now we’re throwing it away. My counselor says I need to consider the investment, the learning and personal growth I’ve gotten out of it. I can’t help it, but that seems to ring hollow.
Avett Brothers I and Love and You. If that wasn’t a sad and downer song….
I’m going to mis-quote Joy Division here – The problem is that something so good just can’t function no more. God…. So I’ve had 2 or 3 dreams in the past month or so where in the dream I’ve just been bawling. Crying my eyes out. I feel like I need to do that, but can’t. I feel like I have just this grief and emotion building up, wanting to burst out, but it just can’t. I feel bottled up, emotionally constipated. Why can’t I release this? God do I want to.
3 words that became hard to say. I and Love and You.
I don’t know how I can even imagine that this is not set. What makes me say that, she saying that she’d go to counseling with me? When was that , months ago? 6 or 8 months I guess. But she’s sure not acting like that. He’s still there. I should be outraged. I should be outraged for my kids. But I’m not, and I can’t say why.
Beck – Lost Cause
I don’t think I should write anymore. I probably shouldn’t even post this. Kinda hope it goes unread. Probably too long and rambling for anyone to get into.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
B – 3 slices (or was it 2) of bacon and 2 or 3 scrambled eggs. Think it’s 3 bacon and 2 eggs. Made it a couple of days ago. Plus a banana and a clementine.
L – Small salad, some of the soup I made yesterday and a clementine or two.
D – Made these Trader Joe’s chicken skewer things. Like Chicken Satay. I think they called them chicken satay, but they weren’t quite. Boy wanted them, I think he ate 3, I had the rest. I got them as appetizers for my party but ended up not making them. He likes them ‘cause they have these knotted bamboo skewers that he thinks look like swords. So they are all in a bag waiting for him. Also made 1 bunch of kale chips and I sautéed 3 onions in some of the left over lard/olive oil mix from last time I made the confit. Yep, I ate 3 whole onions. Of course they reduced down a lot by cooking. Onions are plenty primal, right? Oh, had a tall can of strongbow too, and a few pork rinds.
So I spent most of the day at the seminary again measuring, so no chance to go to the Y. Will do a spinning class tomorrow, but that will be just 2 spins this whole week. No LHT, and not gonna happen this weekend either since I’ll have the kids.
Other than that… I cooked dinner, cleaned, kids took baths… I cooked my chicken leg confit today, and that seemed to go well, falling off the bone tender. Not as salty as last time. Think I may pull off parts to put into salads. Think that may be good. It took a ton of olive oil to do, though. Luckily I had grabbed a somewhat old can from the old place and knew it needed to be used. But I got over 3 quarts left from that. I guess I’ll use that to make salad dressing, sautéing potatoes and onions, etc. Maybe even make confit again…
I guess that’s all I have now. Think I’ve said most everything else over the last couple of days. Obviously still having issues. When I got back to the office I was listening to old sad songs. But still bottled up.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wow, I’ve got some to catch up on.
Friday, Feb 24, 20112
B – Last of the bacon and eggs I made earlier in the week. Plus some fruit I’m sure.
L – Soup and a small salad. Threw some of the confit on the salad. I think I need to try it with a shorter cooking time than ‘all day’. Meet got so soft it was almost mushy. And I bought leg quarters, or leg portions or something, and those included a lot of backs and ribs. The little vertebrae are so soft they can be eaten. Don’t really care for the texture of that, but that’s just me. Besides, that means most all the minerals have been leached out into the oil and stuff, right? But by putting the confit on the salad, it’s already got plenty of oil. Just need to throw some balsamic vinegar on and I’m good to go.
S – Had a couple of handfuls of popcorn and a beer during office happy hour at the end of the day.
D – What did I do for dinner Friday night?? Oh, of course. Fish fry. It is lent now… Been a tradition to go to fish fries during lent since before the kids were born. Went to one at a small Serbian orthodox church close to here. Place could have used twice the staff and they could have moved much quicker. Had the fried tilapia. Too long to wait for baked. Salad and green beans as sides. Did have a bit of the boy’s cat fish and my mom’s tilapia, which was huge, and nibbled on a few of my daughter’s fries. Oh, and did eat the cherry cobbler dessert. But that was supposed to be my ‘cheat’ meal. Should have known it wouldn’t be my only….
Went to the Y to do my spinning class, but no one showed. So I just did a cue sheet for a CD then left. I just wasn’t in the mood for it, especially not spinning alone. And unfortunately they moved the circuit training class that I would have done instead back an hour, so I couldn’t do that either.
Was still in a pretty bad mood obviously.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
B – Tried to sleep in a bit w/ the kids. That didn’t work. Made them pancakes, I had salad w/ confit on it. And a few slices of bacon. Bacon was all natural nitrate free, and the kids thought it was too salty.
L – Broke down and took the kids to McDonald’s between movie and swimming. I cleaned up a few of their fries. Well a good number actually. Probably a happy meal sized order or maybe a bit more than that. But that was it for lunch.
D – Daughter ended up having a sleep over w/ friends, so boy and I had a guy’s night out. Took him to a little pizza place that’s kind of like a small local owned (actually a small chain out of Iowa or somewhere) Showbiz or Chuck E Cheese type place. Used to go there when I was a kid. Had a few games with ticket and get cheap trinkets. We had fun. But they don’t do their buffet on the weekend so we split a small pizza and had some root beer. And then we went and got some frozen custard afterwards. It was a total South St. Louis evening for us. Not primal at all, but I was hanging with my boy so that was worth it.
Took the kids to see the new Studio Ghibli flim – Secret Life of Arrietta or something like that. Secret World, maybe. Anyway, another amazing movie for them. Backgrounds are just so lush. Amazing animation. Story was ok, I like that there’s not the mortal peril that seems to be in so many of the more recent Pixar or Disney movies. Both of them were freaking out at the end of Toy Story 3. There’s just not much call for that at their age.
Afterwards we went swimming at the Y. Indoor, cold day, seemed like a good idea. First time we’ve been in quite a while. They have a lazy river and a whirl pool. We had fun. Just enough time to go home and get rinsed off before dropping the daughter off at her sleepover.
I had tried to get someone to go to the movie w/ us. Friends with the kids, and I have some degree of interest in the mom, but it didn’t work out. I probably need to be more social. Will probably help me with this funk I’m in. Of course I know what I really need is to get things moving. Calling the therapist to set up the couples counseling tomorrow.
Ok, caught up to today now.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
B – Made a couple of scrambled eggs for both the boy and me. I had mine on salad w/ some more of the confit. Ended up eating most of his, too.
L – Had some Trader Joe’s pork dumpling things. Made for the kids, but they didn’t like them, so I ate them. Not the best, but they are out of the house now.
D – Cooked up a big batch of chili, yes with beans, but I wanted to get rid of the cans. Had a couple of bowls of that, and now still have 4 or 5 bowls for either lunches at work or in the evening. Also had a little bit of some roasted cauliflower I made this evening.
Did a workout with the MeetUp group this afternoon. A bit more running this time, still kicking the ball on the way down, but I was in regular trainers and my knee started to bother me a bit. Maybe need to start wearing the VFF’s for those, too. So we ran, kicking the ball, maybe a mile total for the day? Maybe a mile and a half. Did side runs, backwards runs, Austrian pull ups, lunges, and high steps. All while carrying water bottles filled with cement or plaster. Was a good workout and first one in several days, so felt good to get back into it somewhat.
ETB was at a Women’s Wellness Weekend through the Y, and came and got the kids just in time for me to go to the workout. Afterwards I went and got just a couple of groceries. I put the chili in the crock pot before the workout, but I didn’t have any bell peppers. Cut those up and sautéed a bit before throwing them in. The other 2 of the 4 pack I cut up and sautéed with a couple of onions. Also browned up some Mexican imported chorizo and mixed with the last of my eggs that I scrambled up. So that gave me 4 breakfasts for the week. Set on food already! And I’ve got a roast and some thin sliced marrow bones thawing in the fridge. Will use the marrow bones kind of like ox tail for the roast. Last time putting the roast on top of the ox tail made for some super flavorful roast and sauce. Hoping for the same this time.
Other than that I got the kitchen cleaned up and did just a tad around the house. Still lacking a bit of motivation. But it’s late and I want to go to bed, so I’m not going to dwell on that.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Well, it’s actually early Tuesday morning. Woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I ended up just getting up and getting my computer so I could do my update. MDA forum seems to be slow lately, or at least in the threads I’m subscribed to.
B – Had some of the chorizo, onion, bell pepper and scrambled eggs. Ended up bothering my stomach a bit, so I wonder if my GI track is a bit messed up from the last couple of weeks.
L – Some of my chicken veggie soup and a small salad with some of the chicken confit on it.
D – Had some left over taco meat for a while, heated that up and had it with some salad greens, a bit of cheese, and some salsa. That didn’t seem like quite enough so I had a small bowl of the chili, too. Oh, I also polished off the last 3 slices of the really expensive acorn-fed prosciutto I had. Still just so yummy.
S – I guess you’d call it a snack. Or a cheat, or a binge or whatever. Went out to meet my friends at the typical Monday night group. Had 2 Bulliet Bourbon on the rocks. When I got home I had a small bowl of Cheerios. Ugh. I’m thinking dinner might have been a little light.
Rode my bike to/from work and then rode to the bar at night as well. With the gas prices going up it was nice to let the car sit for a day.
Did the circuit training class at the Y. Pretty good work, especially after the workout on Sunday. My knee was bothering me a bit, though. Sunday I didn’t wear VFFs and therefore was heel striking when running. I think that made the difference.
Somebody set up a paleo/primal specific dating site and I got registered for it. But feeling a bit ambivalent about it. Didn’t call the couples counselor yesterday. Need to. No matter how much I complain, I’m still not doing much of anything myself and I need to.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Gonna try to keep it short tonight. Not even 10:30, want to do a bit of stuff after I’m done, so going to be quick.
B – More of the eggs, chorizo, onion, bell pepper. Seemed to sit a bit better this time. Also had a banana.
L – Some of my soup and some of the roasted cauliflower. Also had the last 2 clementines and an apple.
D – Brought dinner w/ me to the office since I had my training again tonight. Had some of the chili and a small side salad with the chicken confit.
S – Had a bit of chocolate – eggs and peanut M&Ms at the presentation, also had a gluten free beer w/ Alex after the grocery presentation thing.
Since I’m not teaching the spinning class on Tuesdays anymore I brought in my VFFs and did a little running. Did a series of warmup/form exercises first, from the video I had posted here some time ago. Jump off a step, squats with a weighted bar on collar bones or held overhead like in a press. Ended up running 2 miles. Did stop/walk a couple of times to do some more form exercises. Had a little bit of knee pain, think that was residual from running at the Sunday workout, and had a point where my plantar fascia (or something under my arch) was hurting. But that was for just a bit. Overall I felt pretty good, and I definitely did not push it. Will probably run again on Thursday.
Had my training for the CDT exam after work. Not nearly as bad as last time. Afterwards I met up with the MeetUp group for a tour through a couple of grocery stores Alex was hosting. Missed most of the first one, but it was still a good trip. Good time. Didn’t really meet any of the new folks, but that’s ok.
Didn’t call the counselor today. Must do that tomorrow. Also didn’t talk to ETB until the very end of the work day. She e-mailed, I think just because we hadn’t talked and she wanted to catch up some. This transition to best friends is still kind of weird.
Ok, that’s it. Reading other stuff and then bed.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
B – Chorizo, egg, bell pepper, onion mix. And a small thing of blackberries. Chorizo kind of bothered my stomach.
L – A bit of roasted cauliflower. Think I left that off the last couple of days. Chicken veggie soup, salad with chicken confit. Think I’m about out of the confit.
D – Late after my appointment. Made some collard greens with bacon and garlic. Had some and saved a couple of dishes for lunches. Also had one container of the chili. Later on I snacked on some almonds while listening to the Underground Wellness Paleo Summit. Great presentation this evening, the one w/ the biology doc talking about the true science. Awesome.
Did a body weight/circuit workout today. 3 rounds of 10 stations, 1 minute each. Offset pushups, One leg box squats, pullups, other leg squat, plank, squat w/ 40 lb dumbells in each hand, side plank, jack-knife pushups, other side plank, pilates sit ups. Tough. Plenty sweaty.
Had my appointment this evening. Now not moving forward is becoming *my* issue. Seeing my own passivity in this.
Came home and was supposed to clean and read, but instead I got the roast set up to go into the crock pot in the morning.
Ok, going to actually do some of my reading and then go to sleep.
Well, I haven’t written in here in a long long time. I think it was primarily because I think the journal had just started taking too much time. But anyway I had an experience tonight that I don’t really have anyone to complain to, so I wanted to get it documented a bit here.
I’ve been a bit down lately, several reasons. Went and saw a movie – Take this Waltz, which is basically a fictionalized version of my marriage. Amazing how similar so much of it was. So that got me reliving a lot of those feelings. That was a couple of weeks ago.
But then this week the ex-to-be, her boyfriend, the kids, and another woman and her daughter all went on vacation together. I’ve been feeling a bit jealous and sad over that. She always planned the vacations and stuff, I’m not very good at that. Anyway, it looked like they had such a fun time. Also, I simply can’t afford right now to take the kids on vacations like that.
So, anyway, that was going on, and I watched something on TV about deciding to take someone off life support, and that got me thinking about my sister, as did going through a bunch of pictures of my sister with my parents. I think they are starting to feel their own mortality a bit, so my mom’s been making albums for us.
And all that got me a bit down and mopey during the week. I ended up staying at home most of the time. Just kind of let things get to me. And of course I was also working on my divorce paperwork, which doesn’t help things. But I need to get it done. If I’m going to get better, I need to get through this. I did go to a party at a friend’s house last Sunday and another friend introduced me to her boyfriend by calling me the husband of my ex. Because the boyfriend has met my ex. So, it’s technically true, and she’s not really my ex, but I don’t want to be known as that.
Wow am I disjointed and all over the place.
Anyway, getting back on subject, I’ve been home, alone, mopey for the last several nights, and was set to do the same tonight. Then I saw something on Facebook that a woman that I know, or at least know on Facebook and would like to know better, was out. Actually out at the Naked Bike Ride, which I had heard something about but didn’t know anyone who was doing it. So I responded to her post that I chose the wrong night to go stay in, she responded back that I should come out. And as I’d said before that I really haven’t started dating. That hasn’t changed, and I still really don’t feel ready. And this woman … well, she’s intriguing. She’s probably way too ‘out there’ for me – way too big of a net presence for my taste. Facebook, blogging, twitter, etc. But I do like what she has to say most of the time, and she’s very pretty. And a big bike racer. So when she suggested I come out, even at almost 11 pm, I jumped at it.
And I thought it was probably a good idea – maybe get me out of my funk. Hang out with a beautiful woman for a bit. But what I didn’t know, and somehow doesn’t seem to mention in her stuff, is that she must still be dating a guy I know. He was there too, and they sure seemed like a couple. And they ended up leaving less than ½ hour after I got there. I only hung out for a couple more minutes then came back home. I attempted to take control, do something active to get out of the house, and it ended up being a bit abortive. Oh well. does 30 to 45 minutes out count for anything?
Lonely and depressed. Rainy weekend has messed up my bike racing plans, not that I'm in good enough shape to really compete, but still was going to give it a try. Still races tomorrow and Monday, so hoping I'll still get a shot. And that getting out there might help me get out of this funk.
It's been going on (well, on and off) since my last post.
I hope I can leave the house tomorrow.
[url=http://www.forbes.com/sites/jessicahagy/2012/10/04/40-things-to-say-before-you-die/]40 Things To Say Before You Die - Forbes[/url]
I want to be able to tell someone (besides my family and kids) that I love them. And have them say it back to me.