:( I hate rats. They got into my things that are out in storage so I've had to go through everything and figure out what is kept, donated, sold, or thrown. I have less out there but it doesn't make me happy. Plus I found out that the jewelry box that my dad gave me has mold in it and I started crying because if there was one thing that I valued that my dad has given me it would be that jewelry box. Then I started remembering how he nearly killed himself a little over a year ago and how I found him and pointed my mom towards him and lifted him nearly on my own. I started bawling because that one piece of furniture is tied to my dad and I have already had to face the thought that he could die and will die someday. My husband is going to clean it and I will store it at my parents house until we get our own place.
Plus I've been feeling beaten down and like I shouldn't have any hopes and dreams because they all seem to blow up in my face. We haven't had a place of our own in a year (this week) and were supposed to have been out on our own a month ago at the latest. I'm also feeling like my welcome is wearing thin with both of our parents and I wonder when we'll get kicked out of here. My mom even canceled our wednesday night dinners because of the stress on her to host them despite it being potluck and because she is afraid that my husband won't "let" me come up because of gas and finances.
This also plays on my fears with my dad because I want to be around him more and I want my daughter to know him before he passes. My mom even mentioned that one of her fears is that she won't know him as well and that it will make the weekends that they take her (once a month) more uncomfortable for her.
I am in a horrible low with my emotions and am running off of fear. I haven't been eating Primally and I know this is a cause and effect of this stress. I just am desperate to find our own place and get some stability that I haven't had int he last 4 years. Yes, since I graduated and met my husband. But I don't want the stability of living with family or of having to take my daughter to childcare and school while I work at a job I hate.
Day 1 again. I'm tired of feeling horrible and, in a place where I have little control over anything, I need to have some control over something. I figured out that eggs hurt my system this time around too.
Nodding your head doesn't row the boat. ~Irish saying.
I've been saying for the past few days to a week that I need to get back on the diet but saying it (nodding my head) doesn't get anything done (row the boat). So I plan on making up some freezer waffles (ELaD recipe) and maybe some Fools Gold (ELaD-aka chicken nuggets) to have in the fridge/freezer for easy meal prep. I have a lot of lettuce so I can do salads. We have ground meat again finally so we can do more stuff with that. But my weakness is breakfast. So something I can grab and go is in order!
My mom also made Anytime Cookies (ELaD again-great book, I swear) and my hubs, daughter, and I all love it. My mom called it a flop and doesn't want to make anymore of those recipes because she didn't like it but damn if I'm not goign to keep these cookies aroung the house for quick on-the-go snacks. We're also working on getting a bunch of fruit for fruit leathers and dried apples rings, etc. We even have some jerky recipes that I'm going to make once I get some excess meat on sale. I'm finding that my daughter is old enough now that simply sharing my plate of food isn't enough so I need some quick foods to have on hand. I'm the kind of person who really dislikes cooking for more than a half hour (my back starts hurting and I get bored) so easy recipes are my thing.
Luckily the garden might finally be tilled up today and the water hose put in (we're redirecting water from our neoighbors creek with permission) so I can actually go out there and do something while she runs around. I'm going to have my hubs pull the tent out so I can set it up out there for her until the bean teepees and sunflower house grow big enough. It's 30x60 so I have a lot to do finally. I find that if I don't have something to do I get really bored and go for food. Plus I am still addicted to the tv (more so when I eat badly, oddly enough) so I need to get out of the house. I'm probably not going to playgroup with her anymore because the older girls were picking on her (exclusion and taking things from her) so I need to get us outside with fun activities. Between that and the sole surviving kitten blocking our homeschool area we don't have a whole lot to do... Garden ahoy!
For anyone curious: I'm at about 345 again. A combination of inactivity, bad eating, and a lot of stress.
Hang in there!! 345 is still 45 pounds less than you were in September. Remember that!
We all fall off the wagon sometimes. In my case, the best thing I can do is have a big (healthy) breakfast and a couple of glasses of ice water--then forge ahead. You can't remake the past, but you can create your future.
I know things look pretty bleak but please don't give up. Give your Dad plenty of hugs--that's one thing you won't ever regret. And be compassionate to your mother, she's having a hard time, too.
And...... if you have to take a job you hate for a while, and put DD in daycare.... that's not the worst thing. Not if it leads to a place of your own and the chance to shape your life the way you want it. Remember it's not forever and ever--maybe just a few months or years. Not very long, life goes by so fast.
Whatever you decide, keep posting, keep working. You're at the hardest time of your life right now and you are doing the very best you can--that's something to be proud of!
I'm just so ANGRY right now. My daughter (nearly 2) has been being picked on at playgroup and I'm just now realizing how bad it is (so I'm angry at myself for not seeing it and not being strong enough in myself to stick up for her yet, at the director for sitting on her fatter than my ass and not paying attention, to the parents of the other kids for letting them do it-it's not JUST being bossy or being kids people- and to the kids for picking on my daughter). I'm angry at my husband for yelling at my daughter MONTHS ago and my MIL for letting me know about it NOW instead of when it happened. I'm pissed at him, really. I'm angry at him for making me fearful when he has one of his "moods" (and for not getting help for his undiagnosed Bipolar because, let's be honest, blacking out and threatening people you love until they threaten you back and ONLY then stopping and coming back to reality is NOT normal). I am angry at myself for letting all of this shit happen. I'm angry at my dad for making me fear his death, at my mom for not being healthy enough to make me not fear for her life, and at myself for being in this shithole my in-laws call a house.
I'm sure in the morning my rational head will come back to me but right now I need to get this off my chest.
There are real reasons I fear for my daughter and I (and, yes, part of my fear of putting her in school is because I was molested in preschool and because I was picked on maliciously throughout all of my school years). There are real reasons I am stressed. And there are real reasons why I am always planning (like having a back-up plan for future moods of my husbands-a bus or taxi ride to the nearest family members house).
Yesterday my hubs and I were discussing why he doesn't like fingering me anymore (tmi, whatever) and he said it was too messy. Then he said it was because he couldn't satisfy me (since it is always after sex). I started thinking and figured a large part was hormonal imbalance (because I don't usually WANT sex anymore). But what I didn't tell him is that it is because I am unsatisfied in our relationship. My daughter just came home from an amazing weekend with my mom and dad and what did my hubs and I do? We went around and did errands before stopping into thrift stores and going our seperate ways in there. When we got home I changed out the toys for my daughter while he fixed my car. We had better than normal sex (because it was more spontaneous) then ate a horrible dinner (I'm tired of surviving on hotdogs but that is what we can afford). We fell asleep and when we woke up had bad sex. Then we had breakfast, I did some chores, and while my in-laws were out he played video games and I went online to learn some Swedish (I want to teach my daughter some since it is part of my heritage) until it was time to pick her up. I even prettied myself for him and he didn;t notice when he normally would.
I'm sorry to go from po'd to crying on ya'll but I am an emotional mess and needed to just get this out for now, before I go to bed.
Well, I don't necessarily regret saying it all, just that I let it all get to me. I told all of that to the hubs this morning before he went for work and he was understanding. That was good. Now I just need some cuddle time with him.
The garden is finally tilled and I have some plants out there layed out about where I want them so we are finally rocking and rolling! :) It's 1800 sq ft and I swear we are growing a house. There are already 3 "rooms" out there for my girl (2 bean teepees and 1 sunflower house). I'll be putting a tent out there for her and I need to pull a small portable potty out there for her. It's a lot fo work but so far I have eaten primally today (not totally healthily primal since I had some primal cookies and am lacking in the meat department right now but primal nonetheless). I can see myself having a picnic area out there and always having water and snacks on hand for long days in the garden (because it's a bit of a walk from the main house). I'll have to pull some art activities out there for her and have a not-easily-broken vase out there for all of the small flowers she picks (buttercups and such). :)
I'm happy because I finally have "work" to do that will be saving us money long-term. :) That's part of my issue lately, too-that I don't feel that I make a contribution to saving/making money. But I now have ways to help save money and will be bringing in a side income by sewing custom works for people.
Gorgeous's (DD) birthday is in 2 months and I'm thinking that the family party (because we'll have an immediate family DAY on her birthday and then an extended family party around her birthday-no friend parties yet since she doesn't have too many due to her age) will be coconut themed like on MMCH (there's an episode where Coco the monkey has a coconutty party) which will work well with the primal diet (coconut cake with berries, coconut "candies", coconut milk, maybe even actual coconuts if I can find some for inexpensive, plus the usual meat and veggies). I saw that episode today and a lightbulb moment happened!
I'm still down a bit from last night's emotional blowout but I think I need ot just ask for more activities for myself instead of doing the typical mom-thing where mom is last. It doesn't make for much satisfaction. One of the me-things I am doing? Learning Swedish (slowly, through the use of songs mostly) and teaching it to Gorgeous. I've always had a strong tie to my Swedish heritage (3rd generation Swedish American) and Christmas has always been Swedish themed. So I'm going to learn some Swedish and focus on getting more Swedish books and music for my DD and I to share. It makes me happy. I also want to learn how to whittle (maybe make a Dala Horse for my first project!). And I want to get back into sewing things like a dress that I've had cut out but not sewn for 2 years now. I want to sew it then make a modified version of the same dress in yellow for my parents vow renewal.
Okay, so for various reasons I haven't eaten fully Primal in about a month and yet I weighed myself today (start of Day 1 of Lunar Cycle if you catch my drift) and I am still only 345. O.O I was totally preparing myself for 350's or even 360's and praying not to see the dreaded 370. I am SO SURPRISED! I don't know what has been going right in all of this wrong! If anyone has guesses I am glad to hear them (I'm thinking simply an increase in exercise due to gardening-lots of walking and lots of heavy lifting as I transport all of the stuff out there for the season). I've been eating horrible (though not all day like I used to) so I'm not sure!
That said, I am not where I want to be (if I never get down past Queen Latifah's size I'd still be happy but I'm not there either) and I don't feel amazing so I know that I still should eat primal. When I eat Primal my hip doesn't try to give out from endo/pain like it has been this past week. When I eat Primal I can get up at 5:30 with my toddler. When I eat Primal I am a safer driver because I am more aware and have less brain fog. :/
Out of the two paleo books for kids we have reviewed one (ELaD) and have the second on order with the library. But I realized that, although these ARE gender neutral, what do the girls have to read (thinking the stereotypical girl fare-princesses, etc). Maybe I should write a story for my daughter (and illustrate) about a princess who gardens and hunts... Take a que from The Paperbag Princess and make a stereotypical story for girls turn into some serious butt kicking girl power. It may help her understand that eating meat and veggies isn't going to kill her, lol. I could even draw the character to look like her. It'd obviously be geared towards the 2-6 range (think preschool/kindergarden) since she is turning 2. How cool would it be for her to get a book written and drawn by mom just for her and about her? ESPECIALLY for her birthday!
We've been dealing with her feeling like she HAS to be girly and wear dresses after all of this went down with the preschool (plus a bit of peer pressure related to the fact that no one ate like she did) so it may help with her confidence in who she is (a tutu wearing tree climber if I'd let her).
As of today I am 345lbs. I am PMSing and I am CRAVING some pasta salad, or if that is too expensive I would take chips and dip. UGH! I decided when I woke up this morning that I wasn't going to eat anything sugary or grainy. I've had some PB but, besides a lot of berries, that is the only thing I've eaten today that is not primal. :( I don't know why I chose today but I did.
I ate cheesy eggs and bacon this morning with some strawberries. Snack was a banana, raspberries and PB. Lunch was 2 hot dogs and a chocolate bananacado strawberry smoothie. Now I want food! I know it's my body saying give me sugar but damn! If I broke right now I would be happy that this is the best I've eaten in about 2 months. I wouldn't be proud but I would be happy. I'm tired of my mind playing tricks, of my body being sore all the time, of the lack of energy. Grrrr.
I've also decided that I will NEVER see the 360's ever again in my life and WHEN I get down to the 200's I will NEVER again see a 300 as long as I live. That is my vow to myself.
I've also decided that I WILL be moving BY October WITH OR WITHOUT my husband. I cannot live in his boyhood room and raise a family. If his work slumps in August I will be getting a job and my mom will watch my daughter. It doesn't make me happy but I cannot live here and raise my family. If his work stays steady or (please be the second one) increases in August then I will be looking for a place for my birthday in September.
In good news: I've been making a dress for my parents vow renewal next weekend and for the first time in a loooooong time I was able to use a basic pattern without adding panels in the sides. :D
A Paleo Princess book! What a great idea!