Hah if I think of it as crack, maybe that'll help.
The endless gas continues. I should take magnesium tonight to make sure I'm not blocked up. I've been slacking on taking it, for no particular reason, but I miss my morning regularity. L-Glutamine arrives this weekend, while I'm gone, Candex arrival is unknown.
Yesterday I got home and started feeling down. I try not to nag Boyfriend about making dinner when it's his turn, but I like to know when it's coming so I can snack appropriately if needed. I had a mashed sweet potato (big one), and started in on a gluten-free cider (Angry Orchard). I got an instant headache, don't know if it was the sugar (oh man that cider makes my teeth feel like they're falling out) or the alcohol, and more depressed (duh, it's alcohol). I felt like there were a lot of negative things that I just wanted to bust out with.
we have been putting off getting groceries for several days now. We ordered out Monday night so it gave us another day of food, and Boyfriend totally forgot yesterday, so it won't be happening till tonight when traffic dies down. I took the car today at his insistence, it's barely getting over 50F, but I was determinedly getting the scooter ready when he rolled out of bed and handed me the keys. I stop at Shaw's, since it's on the way to and from work, when I can and pick up cheap/convenient things. Chicken thighs are delicious and wonderfully cheap, for example. I may pick up some more on my way home from work today so we can make food before we go shopping. As tasty as Larabars are, I won't be buying them because they're not filling so they don't really seem worth the money, even with a coupon so they're $1/ea.
My moods have been unstable this week and there are a lot of factors at play. Poor food choices, extenuating stress from family, not quite enough sleep (though not interrupted anymore). I have been more depressed than I would like and more anxious than I would like. I've been off Tyrosine and I'm not sure how I feel as a result, considering all the other factors. I feel like I am nervous more easily, but not always. I have been a bit depressed, but mostly in the evening. I feel almost manic during the day, at times, like I am too excited (positively and negatively) about things on the forum or irritants in my daily life. These are all unusual things for me. I recognize the change between on-Tyrosine and off-Tyrosine, it's much like the dampening affect I felt from Prozac and other SSRI's on my personality, but in this case, I don't think Tyrosine is dampening anything that I particularly need to have going on. So for Prozac, I felt less spontaneous and "like myself", but with Tyrosine, it seems to make my variable moods more even, and I don't feel like I'm laughing less or less goofy as a result. So I'm okay with this, even if I feel like my mind is a little more energetic off-Tyrosine. Maybe it will result in a lower dose, ultimately, in which case I will be opening the capsules and dumping out ~half. But for now, I'm going to tough it out for the rest of the week as is. If the wedding Friday is too stressful, I will have Tyrosine with me to take for Saturday, for the family BBQ.
I hope you're able to get your moods and emotions in check. What has your doctor said about your moods?
I don't talk to a doctor about my emotional/mental health anymore because I don't trust them with that. In the past, they've just recommend meds to me. Last time I tried going on meds was Fall of '10 after several years off, but I feel much more equipped to try and track and manage them on my own then I ever have before. The supplements help a lot, I'm just trying to figure out how much I need and if I can eventually go off of them. This is a test week.
Oh and to clarify, I will be talking to my new therapist about mood tracking and stability, but I don't see her again until the 11th. She has not pushed the subject of medication or anything yet, we're just building my "history" and man, did I come to a lot of realizations about my family as we went along.
I don't blame you for wanting to avoid them. I've been on medication consistently since 2005 and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to be done. I don't mind taking 2 dozen vitamins a day to counter the need for prescription drugs b/c I know some day i can start filtering them out and replacing them with food sources that I enjoy. Can't get lexapro from food... lol
i hate the history part of the psychiatry process. And I hate being probed for information, so i don't do well in therapy.
I'm pretty used to it, having been in and out of therapy so many times for the last ooohhh 8 years? I laughed when I started recounting my history this time because I started reporting it like a real medical history, "Diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder in 2004, hospitalized for overdose later that year, on and off SSRI's with varying success since then, in and out of therapy..." Talking helps, no matter how much it sucks, and I do believe talking to the right person helps too. As my new therapist pointed out, it's good to come to the session and voice your discomfort. "I don't feel like talking." "I hate being probed for information." "I don't think I want to do therapy anymore." You have to fight yourself initially, but when asked the right way, it can be very easy to open up (and oh man, the flood gates will open).
As she put it, "I [i]invite[/i] you to come to a session with these thoughts, even if it means you decide not to come back after all." I really liked the empowerment that came with her invitation, because I am not obligated to return by anyone but myself, and I want to be better, so I'll go back. I don't like talking to strangers sometimes, even telemarketers, because for some reason I feel guilty declining their services. Those people outside of the super market are the worst! But I think a big thing I'll be working on in therapy is self-empowerment and really [i]embracing[/i] the fact that I don't have to sign up for anything that I don't want to and it doesn't hurt anyone to say no.
I felt bad turning down the girl scouts recently. They were perched outside walmart trying to sell their cookies. I had some at home, but still felt guilty for not buying more...
I think I prefer to talk to total strangers while my identity is technically hidden. Of course, I don't hide it well seeing as how I have my facebook page posted below, but it's kind of easy to talk about things here that I could never talk about with people I know in the real world. It's kind of weird, actually.
I'm glad therapy works for you.
Hair thoughts: I had the strong urge to cut my hair yesterday but it didn't work out with falling asleep on the couch after getting home & having a huge mashed sweet potato (with cinnamon, butter, and local honey). I looked up some pictures and printed them out at work so I'm ready if I end up going to the salon, but I might try doing some trimming on my own first. I have an idea that requires using a buzzer and I should be able to manage on my own. Mostly it's just a hell of a lot easier doing no-poo with hard water when my hair is really short. I should really try using a citrus rinse though. I wonder if bottled lemon juice would work or if it has to be fresh-squeezed (and how long I can keep it in a bottle).
I just kind of snacked through the evening yesterday, did not have the energy to make anything substantial. Today's lunch is greek yogurt (DON'T BUY CABOT, IT HAS TRANS FAT WTF, didn't notice till I'd opened it at home) with some frozen berries that will hopefully be less frozen by the time I eat it. Boyfriend and I stayed up late and it was nice to spend some quality time with him, but we were keeping each other awake so he slept in the other room. I hope he did not stay up too late, as he has his last final today, but I'll be calling him around 11 AM for a wake-up. Here's hoping he doesn't just shut off the ringer!
Caffeine will be needed for our trip down. I think I might go for one of those 5-hour energy things. We had some at PAX East and it helped for at least a few hours, so we'll get them early on/before we really head out I think. I don't think it will prevent me from sleeping after 8 hrs in the car though. Worst comes to worst, I can technically afford one night in a cheap motel for us so we can crash along the way. My grandmother made her flight down, hallelujah! I'm looking forward to seeing her :)
On image: I was so worried this morning about my tattoo and my family (aunt & fiance, mostly) and their reactions (not wanting another "defaced" comment) that I considered telling my aunt about the tattoo before we get there so I can avoid any unnecessary discussion about it. I can easily imagine it going either way: my aunt & fiance voice their displeasure inappropriately and I am upset and may have to call Boyfriend off from chewing them out, or they obviously disapprove, but keep their thoughts to themselves (I can more easily imagine this happening with my aunt, but not sure about her fiance). Ultimately, I decided I would not fore-warn because that's a bit silly. This is a good opportunity for me to speak up for myself if there is an uncomfortable situation. I will bring normal PJ's with short sleeves and if they see it and say something, so be it. Man, can you tell I'm nervous about this? Just wait till they see my sister's boyfriend's tattoos: he is COVERED in them. Hah, that's a good response to them actually.
My gut is still hating on me a bit and I'm really proud that I resisted the pizza Boyfriend had when I got home. I may have to fast this weekend in order to avoid wheat, but we'll see what the food situation ends up being post-ceremony tomorrow and at the BBQ on Saturday. I took some magnesium last night and that seemed to help clear things out. I will bring magnesium to take with me on our trip, though I'm not sure I'll remember to take it tonight (and I need to start taking about 1/2 dose). I took two 5-HTP (100mg total) last night because I couldn't sleep and I actually feel like I am more awake than I should be as a result. Maybe I [i]do[/i] need a higher dose right now. I'll just keep at 50mg for now, at least through the rest of the week. It seems like my body needs different amounts sometimes, so I'll just have to be attentive going forward and dose as I feel is needed. I wonder if it would be bad to alternate the dose as often as every few days?
[url=http://namelessw0nder.blogspot.com/2012/05/wth-more-links.html]Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: WTH, more links?![/url]
[url=http://namelessw0nder.blogspot.com/2012/05/happy-happy-weekend.html]Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Happy, happy weekend![/url]
Reminder thoughts for next post
[LIST][*]photography as a hobby and compliments about it[*]handling tattoo comments[*]age-ism[/LIST]
I'll have to finish my "guide to DC" post before the next entry because it's saved as a draft on my home computer. Good incentive since it's almost 2 months late now!
I am back from an awesome weekend! I ate fairly on-plan. I did not have any wedding cake (one crumb and I'm not really sure why), though it smelled great (pistachio and chocolate). My yeast flare-up is still bugging me on and off and I'm still needing magnesium for regular bowel movements, but I think things will be better this week since I can cook for myself again.
I'm feeling a bit confused about my body. I'm holding steady at 118 lbs and happy about the progress I've made with my lean body mass, but then I started to really slack off on the exercise. My boobs are bigger lately, only a little, but I can tell (they're so small, it's really easy to tell for me!). My upper arms seem a bit meatier, not in a muscular way.
I'm supposed to get my period this Saturday, but I noticed these changes last week so I don't think it's related to my cycle. We'll just have to see how my body is doing as I get back on board and am not eating out and eating bad oils.
Tattoo gets finished this Saturday :) Stay tuned for pictures! Oh yes, and the situation with my dad calling me "defaced" re: my tattoo: apparently my mom did talk to him (Boyfriend asked her about it) and now it's up to us to sort it out. Boyfriend said the ball is more in my dad's court now, which makes me want to not say anything at all, but I worry that nothing will be said if I don't initiate the conversation. But I really don't want to. Something to talk about in therapy on Friday. I'll be happy to report how the mini-vacation/road trip went to my therapist :)
Oh and Fae, the fat calico, has finally joined us at the apartment! I didn't really sleep last night because I had caffeine late (for the drive home) and was excited about the cat, plus she was prowling around all night, getting used to the space. And kicking cat litter everywhere grrrrr. Shame on me for not shelling out the $30 for a covered box. I will get pictures of her as soon as I can, as I want her to have her own before and after photos when she slims down on good quality food! She did not eat this morning, hopefully has finished by the time I get home.
I have a cat too and failed to get a covered box (or rather, DH failed b/c he's the one who bought all the stuff). I have rugs down under her box to wipe her feet before she walks across the floor, but it doesn't work that well. Have considered getting a covered box, but figured that would just result in me changing it less often - out of sight, out of mind.
I'm glad you had a good weekend and I look forward to seeing the tattoo!