Thanks Kelmar :) It's a bit spotty, I need to touch up some areas that got rubbed off when the purple was setting, and I need to do a deep condition, but I love it. I'm on the fence about getting a trim, since my hair is still pretty short, but it's kind of shaggy.
For activia, who lives in my area. The first couple of jars I got, over the winter, from this company had propolis and bee bits and wax all visible and tasty in the honey. This is still raw (and local), but it was half the price and I think it's been filtered so I'm not sure there's any significant amount of pollen in it. Must fine [i]good[/i] raw, local honey!
I was fucking WIPED last night. I was in bed and asleep by 9:30. I couldn't eat dinner, we didn't really have food so Boyfriend made a rice/bacon/ground beef monstrosity and it turned my stomach just looking at it (not digging rice right now). I didn't really feel hungry until I woke up at some hour of the night when Boyfriend tried to sleep (but left because he couldn't). I think I need to ask him to try melatonin or something, he needs to get on a proper sleep schedule, especially if he gets this security job at his mom's work that he's applied for. I hope he gets it and I hope the pay is pretty good! I wasn't hungry when I woke up this morning, but had 2/3 of a burger patty leftover from yesterday, 2 small sweet potatoes, and a glass of unsweetened almond milk. Some water when I got to work took the edge off the sudden hunger that appeared. I have some rice monstrosity and a banana for later, but I'm not sure how much of the rice monstrosity I'm willing or able to stomach.
I've been a bit constipated for the past 24 hrs. I think my veggie intake has just been a bit low. I need to swing by the grocery store on my way home from work, so I'll pick up some more frozen veggies, buns (for Boyfriend because he thinks burgers without buns are "depressing"), fruit, maybe frozen fruit. Maybe some cheese for burgers. Larabars are a nice filler when I'm lazy, but they're pricey considering how small they are, so I should probably not waste my money on them right now.
Overall, I think increasing my carb intake has worked well for managing my energy, weight, and hunger, but I'm still not eating enough.
I told Boyfriend not to let me get another tattoo this year. He'll hold me to my word. I really want to cover up my first tattoo with something beautiful, but I know it's important to make myself wait and just enjoy the piece I'm getting now and save up some damn money!
Thanks Meaty. I'm gonna post my "shredded" photos at some point, probably around my birthday (mid-June). I'm around 120 lbs right now. Seriously, not eating enough (1200-1500 calories) is probably what got me to lose weight. I don't recommend it because being hungry makes me pretty fucking cranky, but if I turn into a middle-aged fatty someday, well, it's an option.
What I want most is to get to a point where I can stop worrying about my weight and brain all the time. I want to just BE fit and mentally healthy. But I am still fairly fucked up.
[QUOTE=namelesswonder;805555] I want to just BE fit and mentally healthy. But I am still fairly fucked up.[/QUOTE]
This sentiment speaks strongly to me today-- how do we know when we're successful versus being f'ed up?
I'm not sure yet.
For me, I get fitter and better at running and suddenly my goals start to shift... I stop thinking, o I just want to be fit, and I start thinking... I want to be RACING fit. I want to race again... I want to win. And I'm sure If I got there, I'd want to go elite. Does it ever stop? The desire to succeed even more?
I don't know. I hope so. I think it's a great victory to find the place where we can say "enough."
I like to think that one day I'll just be content and all my worries will be reasonable worries and so on. But some days I just feel like even if I get to a good point, I'll still worry incessantly about being worried etc. Taking a step back now and then to review helps, I think. Sometimes I feel content with my progress, so that's good, instead of being constantly stressed about not being "well" enough.
I woke up this morning and felt okay. Took care of my hair (deep keratin condition to fix some dryness after bleaching last week), took care of my tattoo, and then felt incredibly anxious (and thus depressed). I started shaking, I wanted so badly to go back to bed and take care of Boyfriend (who was very anxious last night) and mope the day away. I have not had such a difficult morning in a while, not even when I was depressed last week. I'm sucking on a GABA Calm and the anxiety is diminishing, but I still feel terrible. I can't think of a good reason to skip work and I'm too worried about my track record, so I feel worse anticipating a really terrible day ahead of me.
Please don't let me cry at work, please don't let me cry at work...
A couple of people on the journals have recently shared some very personal experiences that have shaped who they are. I've written about [URL="http://namelessw0nder.blogspot.com/2012/03/national-self-injury-awareness-day.html"]my journey[/URL] and [URL="http://cloudysoul.deviantart.com/art/Whatever-happened-to-72742337?q=gallery%3Acloudysoul%2F2740836&qo=8"]experiences[/URL] many times (and [URL="http://fav.me/d2dpm86"]here[/URL] and [URL="http://cloudysoul.deviantart.com/art/When-you-try-to-remember-136936262?q=gallery%3Acloudysoul%2F2740835&qo=24"]here[/URL]), but find myself wanting to delve deeper. Part of it is probably my masochistic tendencies that surface when I'm feeling like shit, "How else can I make myself feel terrible? Oh, I know: by re-hashing the past!"
Does it do me any good to venture down this road? Let's find out!
I edited out what I wrote. Doesn't matter. I'm just feeling like shit today. Took a couple doses of GABA Calm, but it only stopped me from crying & freaking out a bit for 30 minutes.
Maybe I should look into sam-e. I don't want to fuck with 5-HTP much right now because I'm afraid it makes me withdraw like SSRIs do and that might be why I'm hyper sensitive today.
I wish I could go home already, but I should wait at least a bit longer. I want to cry so badly.
[url=http://namelessw0nder.blogspot.com/2012/04/becoming-who-i-wanted-to-be.html]Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Becoming who I wanted to be[/url]
I'm never sure where to share my blog. I don't get many views at all, but I think most come from here. I've shared links on Facebook a few times, but still am not getting very many views and I'm not sure how comfortable I am sharing some of it there. Does it really matter? No, it's mostly just for me, but still, I like sharing.
I'm feeling a ton better than I was yesterday. I got a fair amount of sleep/slept pretty well, so I'm not absurdly tired today. I'm still just trying to follow my gut in terms of food cravings, which means I'm not hungry immediately in the morning, but as soon as I take a supplement, my appetite kicks in and I really don't want protein. I had a couple of gluten-free cookies this morning and that was a bad idea, I have a headache now and they made me feel a bit nauseous. I heated up two small sweet potatoes and mashed them with some raw local honey and I brought some food for lunch today. Dinner will be chicken thighs and copious veggies. I'm not really sure what to do about breakfast if this aversion to protein breakfasts continues. Smoothies would probably be a good call, I just need to get some ingredients since I have nothing that would work in a smoothie right now! Low on food, as usual and as always.
I was very close to ordering dinner last night and I'm really glad I didn't. Boyfriend ate lunch very late since his sleep schedule is so messed up, so I just nibbled all evening on whatever I felt like eating and then cooked up some chicken thighs later. I ate one and the other is for lunch. We need to stock up on meat again this weekend. I've been missing chicken, we haven't been eating much of it lately, must be remedied, plus thighs are so cheap! I need to remember to take my fish oil, but I think I've had this bottle too long, so I'll clean it out and get some capsules this weekend. It's hard to find some with a high amount of EPA/DHA, I hate how huge the pills are and don't want to have to take too many for a good dose (1g of EPA/DHA, not use the oil). I'm also interested in trying St. John's Wort or SAM-e, but I'm not sure which to start with. [I]The Mood Cure[/I] suggests starting with SJW and only using SAM-e sometimes, but isn't clear why.
Tomorrow I have my appointment with the therapist. I'm pretty nervous about it, but I'm sure it will be fine.
-I want to talk about how I can help Boyfriend and keep my cool in the process. He can get pretty closed off when he doesn't want to do something (often because he's scared) so it can be hard to make suggestions that will benefit him when he is very resistant to assistance.
-I could use some suggestions on how to calm down if I find myself feeling overwhelmed with concern about Boyfriend's depression or anything else. I'm not very good at meditation, so some writing prompts or things to think about would be helpful.
-I would like to get a sense of how open she is to using supplements instead of medication, and see if she has suggestions for new things to try, but probably not for the first session.
With 50+ pages of responses so far, I'm sure you've gotten lots of opinions and this one may not change anything. However, here goes -
While I'm not clinically diagnosed and do not experience depression that severely, I have found that my diet can make a HUGE difference.
Due to family preferences I eat chicken or turkey almost every day. When I eat lamb instead, and a lot of it, my mood is instantly elevated - I'm full of energy, and not just happy like sugar-high happy is, but happy as in satisfied, seeing beauty, and dreaming and looking forward to the future. Diet means so much you would never expect.
1. You need a lot more fat in your diet. I see some other people told you this before, but I want to emphasize its importance. I'm not a big fan of putting dislocated fats like excessive butter/coconut oil/fish oil into your diet just to raise your fat intake, it's better to get your fat from whole sources.
For dairy, definitely go for full fat (and plain.) It's not just because the extra fat is beneficial, but because when dairy is homogenized and tampered with chemically to remove the fat, it becomes bad for the body and is counterproductive... Always read the ingredients before you buy yogurt as many companies add weird stuff. It should just have milk, cultures, and some tapioca or pectin is fine. If you need a change of pace, try goat's milk yogurt or sheep's milk yogurt. Get grass fed dairy if you possibly can. I recommend that you don't drink milk, but go with cultured/fermented dairy instead. Kefir is great, yogurts, aged cheese.
Nuts are an excellent source of nutrition, but first off go with raw nuts whenever you can, and second off due to omega-6 levels you're better off only having most nut types every 3-5 days and sticking with an ounce at a time. The exception is macadamia nuts. Not only are they awesome, but they have very low O6 and lots of nutrition so they're good almost every day. Just don't eat more than 20 or so at a time ^^
I'd recommend against almond milk. O6 is inflammatory. Maybe not the devil it's been hyped up as, but still, O6 is something you want to steer clear of at least until more info is proven for sure. Also, if you're going to drink almond milk you'd be better off with a handful of raw almonds as it is less processed. I wouldn't do rice milk either. Although fermented/cultured stuff is better, full fat milk isn't bad, and do a quick online search to see if you can purchase raw milk in your area, or at least go with not homogenized. Beware of ultra-pasteurized. Sometimes stay away from organic if it says it's ultra pasteurized.
On most days, replace the chicken with lamb or beef. Don't worry too much about grass fed, but do shoot for the best quality you can get, and if you can get grass fed go with that by all means as it is more nutrient dense and will give you energy. I'd suggest adding good quality high-fat cheese to your diet, especially the less processed types. If you can find buffalo mozzarella that's wonderful. Or else, go for anything slightly aged or of good quality - buy a small amount of artisan-type cheese instead of lots of poor quality cheese. Grass fed dairy is good if you can get it.
Fresh coconut is full of beneficial fat and energy. Have some whenever it's available (but don't overdo it).
Hard boiled eggs are wonderful, definitely add them in. See if you can get "pastured" or "pastured raised" eggs. Cage free is your next best bet. At some farmers' markets (you can look for one online in your area) they sell eggs, if they're all different sizes and colors that's better than if they're all white and clone-like.
Hmm, what else. Coconut milk or coconut water is pretty good if you want a milk substitute, but still I'd go with real milk or real coconut first.
2. Cucumber, grapes and carrots aren't going to keep you full long! They're ok snacks, but not for a meal. Don't be afraid of carbs if they are good carbs. How about a baked sweet potato, summer or winter squash or pumpkin, broccoli is great, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, cooked red cabbage etc. you need filling vegetables so you don't get hungry and you get enough calories.
Salads are great, but don't overdo it. It can be bad to eat all leafy greens and not enough other, thicker vegetables. Also, many salads are just wilty iceberg lettuce. Have dark colored salads instead, make them yourself (just not spinach because of oxalates). Have a base of romaine or dark leaf lettuce, and add in lots of vegetables to make it tasty and mix your own balsamic vinegar and olive oil.
3. I don't think you're getting enough nutrients as it is. Add in extra nutrients wherever you can. Add mushrooms and onions to a meal, dip your apple slices in cinnamon, drink tea, eat macadamias. Especially as we're getting into summer, stir berries into your yogurt or make a smoothie with full fat milk, yogurt and berries and frozen banana.
4. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.... eat some dark chocolate, 75% cacao or more. Stir a little raw honey in your yogurt. Think of the things you like best that are primal or somewhat primal and eat them more. Make desserts like baked bananas. Don't run away from fruits just because of the carb content.
5. You're not eating enough. If you have a light breakfast of yogurt w/ fruit, you need to eat again before lunch. However, you're better off just having a big breakfast of scrambled egg or omelet with bacon (nitrite/nitrate free if you can find it) and ham or whatever meat you have left over.. this might seem funny, but as your tastes acclimate, you'll find yourself not caring about conventions of what to have at what meals. Or you can make a quiche without the crust and save it in the fridge to cut a slice for breakfast since that's fast. If you have bacon, you can cook your eggs and whatever else in the bacon fat :)
When I first started primal I suffered depleted energy simply because I was eating so little. When you eat a lot of vegetables/fruits in place of breads, you get less calories in. Also, high fat diet means you don't feel hungry often, so you don't eat as much and don't get as much fuel as you need.
6. Your diet doesn't seem interesting!!
Have fermented foods like sauerkraut (an acquired taste...)
Have treats like dark chocolate, cheese and nuts.
Have fattier meat.
Have denser vegetables.
Have a wider range of fruit and vegetables!
Okay, now just to mention - you are doing WAY better than pretty much most Americans... but still, we can get better.
Diet means so much to increased clarity and confidence. Before I go out to a public place or somewhere stressful for me, I eat about 6 oz of blueberries, a handful of macadamias or some coconut, because it gives me so much energy and mental strength.
Also, beware of so much cardio. That will increase your carb needs significantly, so you'll need a starchy vegetable every day like carrots, sweet potato or white potato, turnips, etc. Try doing "sprints" instead, even if in the pool, and don't forget to "move slowly"
A few closing thoughts -
A lot of primal enthusiasts are into it, but I would skip the protein powder. Have a chunk of fatty meat or some cheese instead.
Asparagus and swiss chard are awesome. Just sayin'.
It's fine to start with supplements, but once you get into the primal groove (and yes, sugar/wheat cravings will subside all the way) consider dropping the supplements and increasing variety in your diet to get nutrients more naturally.
Yes, skip those cookies... I know it's hard, but sometimes fruit works to quiet the cravings, and otherwise just reach for something satisfying like macadamias or... bacon...
It's OK to have some sugar every once-in-a-while once you get accustomed to the diet, however you are better off going cold turkey in the beginning because the cravings can be hell but if you don't feed them, they will disappear and you will absolutely lose your taste for sugar.
But yes, absolutely eat more good food. Not that you should spend a lot of time on this, but if you go on fitday.com and get a free account, you can see how many calories you eat and adjust yourself accordingly. Mark eats about 50% of diet as fat, so do I and it works well, so don't be scared of that. You can also track your nutrient profile on fitday. Sometimes deficiencies especially in potassium and magnesium can spark depression ... is your family full of unhealthy eaters, by any chance? You don't have to get 100% of everything every day, but aim for that anyway.
Hopefully this isn't redundant!
Campanella, thank you for that well-put and thoughtful response! It looks like you are mostly looking at my older entries, I started this journey last July and I'm not starving myself on rabbit food anymore. I eat plenty of fat from food sources, though I still struggle with eating enough altogether, primarily because I worry a lot about spending too much on things that won't be filling. I don't struggle with sugar that much anymore, except for allowing some gluten-free cookies lately (rice flour based) simply because I was depressed and wanted them. I'm mostly concerned about keeping myself fed, and not really worried about staying on plan lately, though that's been fairly easy. Since I had a few cinnamon rolls almost two weeks ago and felt really sick for several days after, I'm really not interested in eating wheat or anything with soy and bad oils! As for protein sources, I actually don't eat chicken that often anymore, not as much as I used to, and I swap up chicken, pork, and beef pretty frequently, though I can't get locally sourced meat or organic very often. We still aren't really eating fish, and I forgot about trying to make it at least once a week, so I'll need to get back on that plan!
Areas in my diet that need improvement
-varied veggies (I'm not adventurous with veggies and neither is my boyfriend, but thank you for reminding me I love asparagus)
-Eating enough (need to find the most filling foods that aren't going to break the bank, starchy carbs seem to help here so I'm eating potatoes and bananas when I feel inclined)
-healthy nuts (I should get myself some macadamias to eat on occasion, since I tend to fall back on almonds when I do get nuts, and someday I'll get a food processor and make some macadamia nut butter!)
I don't eat dairy that much anymore because of the cost, but I always buy low-sugar fatty yogurt when I do get it. I agree that it would probably be better to switch to regular whole milk (not willing to risk raw and too expensive/much of a pain to get) for smoothies and regular consumption than almond milk or rice milk. The sugar content is probably higher, but I'll get more (fat and protein) out of it.
One of my goals for the weekend is to mark some pages in my paleo and gluten-free recipe books and stock up on stuff to try them out. I just don't like meals that are like "Here, make this, and serve it with a salad." No, I want the full meal description, no side salad crap, and the fewer dishes, the better.
Hmm, this was a nice review on how far I've come :) I'm taking better care of myself now than I used to, despite my pessimism at times.
I have read your posts and It was really nice to see how much you have changed physically as well as emotionally and mentally over the months. It has inspired me to keep a personal journal now, i too suffer from depression and being male know first hand how there is a certain "stigma" attached to depression in males as we are supposed to be like a rock and not have depression etc.
I was wondering if you had ever considered using an all natural shampoo bar to help with your scalp issues? I personally have used several bars from this company: [url]http://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.chagrinvalleysoapandsalve.com/products/&sa=U&ei=14qZT7DIFsOo2wX9n_X1Bg&ved=0CBEQFjAA&usg=AFQjCNGvUjrgBRUoZfk9QUBROU5RZuUR2Q[/url] and have been very happy with the results.
Hey thanks for the link, those look like nice soaps. My scalp has been okay lately, actually very nice since I bleached & dyed my hair last Saturday, oddly enough. So far I'm doing okay with "washing" ones a week, but I think my scalp would benefit from more conditioning oils, such as those found in those soaps. We'll see how it's doing when I'm done playing with color in the next couple of weeks.