Glad to hear things are finally looking up for you! I don't know why but reading about your cars makes me miss mine. God I hope the army is treating it better than it does us.
Caloric deficit never seems to work in my flavour, just makes me crash and hold onto what fat I have. Gotta eat at maintenance and pray the stars align with my diet or IF, which I am suspicious about the lasting power of results.
Mood Ė poor. I am very tired today. I got to bed a little late and Hulky woke me up when he came to bed, so Iím assuming thatís the reason for my grouchiness today. Iím going to spend the day having arguments with people in my head, which is a very unpleasant way to pass the time. This is just what happens when my head is like this, not really unusual and nothing I can help, unfortunately.
I keep forgetting to bring the lunchtime dose of cal-mag butyrate. I guess itís time to load up a baggy or Tupperware with some capsules so I have some here at work. Iíll have some mag citrate with lunch (Thanksgiving leftovers) and hopefully that will get things moving.
I hesitated to write about this here, but I need to unload. Hulky and I are going to go to coupleís therapy. Iím not sure when. Basically, I just want to work on our communication. When I asked Hulky about it and described to him what my therapist said about how it works, he did not seem too opposed. When I directly asked him what he thought, he said, ďI donít want to do it.Ē Well, not much I can say to that, but then he asked, ďWhy do you want to?Ē I said I want to learn how to communicate my concerns with him without getting upset, without leaving my rational brain behind, and without it starting as the result of an argument. He then agreed to go. Putting it in the context of how it could help me seems to be the best way to approach new things with him. I donít know when weíll be able to go, as next week is his finals week. It would make more sense to wait until heís on his winter break, but then we have Christmas, so there probably wonít be a lot of appointments available.
My therapist suggested this book to me: [url=http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-Want-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B000V770GY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1385992549&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want]Amazon.com: Getting the Love You Want, 20th Anniversary Edition: A Guide for Couples eBook: Harville Hendrix Ph.D., Harville Hendrix Ph.D.: Kindle Store[/url] She said in coupleís therapy, you practice these exercises using a certain kind of dialog (ďimagoĒ), but donít have to talk about anything serious/relevant at first. Itís just to practice the format. Iím only a couple of chapters into the book and part of me feels like its complete bullshit, but some of it makes sense. The concepts are based on a rather binary view of relationships and that we seek out people who provide certain characteristics or traits that we felt were missing from our families. I can see how this is true for me, but the way the book is written makes it sound like every child is going to be fucked up by their upbringing. Maybe thatís true. Iím not sure if Hulky will read it, but Iíll ask once I get through it.
I need to get in to see a doctor about a uniquely female problem. Itís freaking me out more than a little since this is not something Iíve ever experienced or heard/read about before. My Googling is not assuaging my concerns. Iíve left a voicemail with the nursesí line at my doctorís office, just hoping theyíll get back to me soon.
I am also pretty broke right now. It's a combination of "that time of the year" and getting a tattoo of my cat on a whim (the tattoo was planned, but getting it done that day was not, it's very cute but I don't feel like sharing it). Couples therapy will hopefully help us communicate how we want to handle joint finances. Seems like every time I try to talk about it with Hulky, I end up getting mad, frustrated, or just seeming bitchy without meaning to at all. I feel weird spending [I]his[/I] money from our joint account, even for things like groceries or ordering out. I feel guilty spending money on supplements and various home remedies for myself, but it's still probably cheaper than going to the doctor for everything, so that's a plus. I feel worried that he is building a new computer right now because I keep thinking [I]we[/I] don't have the money for that, but [I]he[/I] actually does.
I'm doing better about not lurking on MDA today. Just popping in to grumble: I am worried about couples therapy (appointment in two weeks, working on scheduling a solo session for myself for next week). I am worried about my up and down moods for the past few months. I am tired of waiting for the next high point. I am worried about the recent female health issues (appointment mid-day tomorrow). I am irritated that I can't just flip a goddamn switch to get my head back in order. I don't want to go to kickboxing tonight, even though I had fun last time and felt just as apprehensive prior to going.
Time to do some reading/studying for A+ certification. I want to buy my exam vouchers by the end of the year, which gives me all of next year to get the exams scheduled, but the goal is before May.
Today, I am not feeling depressed (so far), but anxiety is high. So the 5-HTP seems to be helping the depression, but I don’t know if the L-Tyrosine is working for the anxiety. Maybe there is only so much it can do to help or it will take a few days of consistent use to see some improvement. Gluten-free is my #1 food focus right now, aside from having a protein shake every day. I don't have the stomach for real food in the morning these days, even when I'm hungry.
We didn’t go to kickboxing last night. Hulky had papers to finish. His finals are next week. I was feeling too grumpy. We vegged and made bangers & mash for dinner (can I call it that even though I’m not British? It was just sausages and mashed potatoes). I feel guilty for not going, but not guilty enough to do anything about it. Guilt is not a good motivator to rely on anyway. I am unhappy about how unfit I am right now. I was able to RUN this summer. Things didn’t hurt. I was cycling. I miss that. I know the only way to fix it is to do something about it, but I am just not there right now, mentally.
I have a solo therapy appointment on Thursday. I am on the border of being completely useless at work. Things are a little busy and I am feeling overwhelmed. That’s bad.
Doc appointment for female issues today. I hope it’s not yet another appointment of, “Well, I don’t see anything wrong,” which seems to be happening a lot lately.
I hope the gyno appt. goes well. Thinking of you.
Hoping all goes well today.
I understand where you are with the fitness stuff. I'm in the same boat. During the summer I was doing great - then it all fell apart and I haven't gotten back on track yet. Don't beat yourself up about it - just keep trying to get back to the right mental state. Start with a few simple body weight movements again. Just a few squats or a 1/2 plank (knees on floor).
Hugs, Tasha! Life is a roller coaster. The highs are fun and exciting, but the lows are really tough.
The appointment was not terribly helpful, but I have a treatment plan which I will be reluctantly following.
Highlight the text below for details:
-[COLOR="#FFFFFF"]After the bacterial infection and subsequent yeast infection, I still had some itching. I was not scratching, but discovered peeling skin on Sunday, which was rather concerning. I had been dabbling with home treatment using coconut oil & boric acid (both recommendations from previous doctors & from information I gathered on my own). The doctor found nothing under the microscope. She said that it's "nonspecific vaginitis" which is exactly what it sounds like. They have no idea what it is, but the metronidazole cream tends to help with it, which tells me its some kind of bacterial issue (imbalance, or a bacteria they don't specifically test for). I'm very tempted to continue with my own treatment attempts, but since the itchiness and irritation is feeling better, maybe I don't need anything. I guess I will use the cream (every night for a week) and hope that it continues to improve. What a hassle.[/COLOR]-
Just don't quote this so people don't have to read it if they don't want to =P
My mood is still up and down today. Hulky and I might go get a Christmas tree tonight though, so that will be nice.
Some work stuff is driving me crazy right now. I feel really helpless. I wish I could tell someone else to fix this stuff.
I got to bed on time last night and slept well. I’m still tired today. It’s going to take a few nights of consistently good sleep to catch up. We have kickboxing tonight and I’m not feeling enthusiastic about it.
Last night became pizza night. Hulky accidentally opened a Christmas present and guessed the other, so he got to use his new baking sheets, cooling rack (he made cookies before dinner for an upstairs tenant that gave us a pie), and pizza peel. My stomach hurts this morning, too much pizza. I hope I can go to the bathroom soon.
No Christmas tree yet. Maybe tomorrow night.
I am still feeling pretty gloomy & anxious. I might try boosting the 5-HTP and L-tyrosine to 100 mg and 1000 mg respectively.
Garr! I forgot to bring the cal-mag butyrate to work again.
Hulky said I am a hard person to get gifts for. I think he's going to make me personal certificates and promises for Christmas. "To be a better husband." Sounds like the perfect gift for me.
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I hate it when people guess what their Christmas gifts are and then expect to have them now... When Brad figures it out, I make him wait - out of spite. lol That being said, we have not bought a SINGLE thing for a SINGLE person yet. Soooo far behind.
Sorry about the girly issues. I hope it corrects itself soon.
I'm also sorry you're experiencing so much depression and anxiety recently. Could it be the changing seasons that's making it seem so much worse? I hope the therapy helps.
RE: money. I understand the guilt you feel spending "his" money... but in reality, if he wanted to keep his money separate, he needs to do just that... you're married now and you made the decision to combine your incomes. I see the point in being uncomfortable spending the money on supplements or things specifically for you when you don't have the free income to pay for them yourself. Just ask him if he has a problem with it.
Maybe create a budget that shows income verses outflow, and include the supplements, groceries, etc, into that budget. Talk with him about the budget, ensure he approves of where the money is going and then rid yourself of the guilt.
I found a really great spreadsheet template that I use to manage our budget. I could send you the link if you'd like.