Just a little gushing: I know Hulky is the man for me, but it feels really good when people tell us how great we are together :). There was a lot of that at the party, from both friends and family. I don't really subscribe to the concept of "the one", but he is definitely a great match for me.
I'm writing the following since I'm not in therapy right now and I want to get it out of my head. Any insight is welcome, though I hesitate to write that because I'm not sure how well I can really explain this whole situation & how I feel about it in regards to Hulky and his secrets.
Drama at the party: I was chatting with a couple of people in the bedroom, keeping the cat company (she was freaked out by all the people, but came out for pets while we were in there with the door closed). C came in at one point and said that Hulky was not in a good head space, but he was keeping it under control. I was grateful; they are old friends and I knew C could handle it. He said something about Chip, but I didn't really understand what he meant, so I thought it was just Hulky getting too drunk, but was relieved I didn't have to concern myself with it. Someone else came in at some point and mentioned something that Hulky was talking about, which I took as a warning sign, so I went out and found that C and Chip were taking him out for a walk (or that's how it seemed). Then Chip came back in later and made me freak out because he didn't know where they'd gone. Of course, no one had their phone with them. They were "missing" for at least 30 minutes, possibly longer, but I didn't keep track of the time at that point.
What happened: Hulky got too drunk and Chip started badgering Hulky about something from his past that was triggering, basically. Hulky was not in a state of mind to get Chip to stop. Hulky and C went off for a walk around the neighborhood so Hulky could cool off. Chip followed them, but got left behind (on purpose) and then spent a while freaking out because he didn't know where they'd gone, and from his perception Hulky was in a very dangerous state of mind (that's how he made it sound anyway, but I know how Hulky gets and he just talks a lot about upsetting things at that point). Chip didn't understand that HE was the reason that Hulky got upset. He found them in the driveway after a while and Hulky basically came back in and went to bed after that. I'm glad I got him on his own at that point because he listened to me and let me get him to the bedroom to pass out. Chip continued drinking, got to about one drink too many and started having one-sided conversations with people. He does this a lot. He has issues, he doesn't deal with them, he thinks he is not worth fixing, and I'm reaching the limit of dealing with his mess (which I feel guilty about, but he's not my responsibility and neither are his problems). There were only a few people left at that point, so I told Chip I was going to bed and he should head out, so he rambled at a sleeping person about how he (Chip) was a terrible person and he (the sleeping person) should make sure everyone knows and finally left. It was unpleasant and that is unfortunately just how he gets.
Hulky and I talked a little about all of this last night. Whatever was triggering to him, whatever it was he was reminiscing, it's not something he wants me to know about. I have a general idea of what it is, from drunken confessions overheard over time. It's not even something I have ever talked to my therapist about, except as vaguely as all this. I feel like it would be a violation of his trust. Hulky will only talk about it with me as vaguely as I've written here and one time said he thought maybe he should talk to someone about the things that had happened. I didn't know what to say. You really need to find the right person to do that with and it's not easy. I don't think it's something I can encourage. Basically, the only way it can come up is if I frame it in the context of how it affects me (his current behavior, not whatever is in his past). That only really happens when it's relevant, i.e. he had some kind of "episode" while drunk. I think I need to remind him of what I said about it in the past, esp. now that we're married: It's okay for me to not know the details. It's okay for him to ask specific things of me about unlikely situations and what I should do in that event, but not explain why. But the issues/memories either need to be dealt with so they DON'T come up vaguely anymore or they DO come up, in detail, and he is at peace with it. I agreed to marry him knowing the rough nature of his secrets and I feel a little like he should respect the trust I am giving him by not asking about it. I feel a little like wanting that respect is somehow greedy or selfish of me?
I think we will need to talk more about Chip. I'm not comfortable being stuck with kicking him out and that's happened more than a few times. He seems to listen to me, but seeing him all messed up makes all my anxiety come to a head & it's very frustrating. And I am generally uncomfortable with drug use and he sometimes comes over to drunk with Hulky while high or on a trip =\.
Period - the flow was very heavy for two days and now has lightened up significantly, with no more cramps. Could just be how my cycle is going to go, or it could be from the Vit E I'm supplementing. Who knows! We'll see what happens next month.
We all have "stuff" in our past that causes issues in our present. Maybe it would do Hulky good to just tell you and get it out so he isn't trying to bury it anymore? I admire you for being okay with not knowing and for letting him have his secrets, but a little confession goes a long way in healing past wounds. And you may be able to help him deal with it, and let it go.
As for Chip............ he doesn't sound like much a friend -- and if he's leaving your place in such a state of drunkenness how is he getting home? Is he driving? He's going to kill someone.
Chip lives two blocks away, with Hulky's parents. He moved out here last December to save up a bit with a good job (working with their dad) so he can move closer to his son, back in Minnesota. Kind of a "fresh start" kind of arrangement, but he isn't really taking advantage of it yet. He's pretty unhappy and thinks he's "too smart" for therapy. I maintain that he just hasn't had a good therapist and doesn't understand what it can really do for him. He just thinks he's a bad person and that's that.
C knows Hulky's secrets, or at least enough of it. I think it helps that he has that outlet. But Hulky really does not want me to know. I think he is afraid that I will think lesser of him or be afraid of him, despite me trying to reassure that that would never be the case.
Sounds like he did something that is causing him to feel shame. Shame is never a good emotion as it accomplishes nothing but self loathing. If he could turn that shame into conviction he may be able to get somewhere with the healing process. Conviction often results in action whether it be confession to someone who can help heal, or to asking forgiveness to a person who has been hurt or wronged. I hope he finds a way to gain some peace and move forward.
Wow, not a great weekend for friends.
I agree with Tomi. It most likely has something to do with shame or blame. That said, if he won't talk about it, you can't force it. It might be beneficial to talk with C and see if there's some roundabout way you could help without needing to know the details of the incident. There are dark moments of my past that Geek has helped on without realizing it, just by saying the right thing at the right time.
As to Chip, if he thinks he's beyond the reach of a therapist, he's right. A therapist only works if you're willing to work with them. That said, you might encourage him to find something similar to AA or Al- Anon. It's free, and if he doesn't like it, they'll refund him all his misery. Even just a therapy group with no associations could probably help. Either way, it would be a good idea to institute a shut down time for when people come over. As in "we go to bed at midnight, so clear out before then." Obviously, that can flex, but it's a good way to get people headed toward the door.
Getting some insight from C might be doable at some point. He might be able to offer some insight. It helps that he's known Hulky for about 15 years.
Chip is definitely not willing to work with a therapist. I think something like AA might be good for him, but I doubt he would go and I don't feel comfortable suggesting it. I will talk to Hulky about this and a bedtime policy could work. I know Hulky is uncomfortable with some of Chip's shit too, he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Chip is 9 years older than us and Hulky often feels like he is being the older brother. All Chip really wants to do is drink and so if they go out, they drink, and if they stay in, they drink. Unless Chip starts doing other things, I don't think that's going to change, so Hulky is stuck trying to figure out how to spend time with his brother without ending up feeling like a caretaker. He also doesn't like avoiding his brother. They only spent some years growing up together, as Chip lived with his mom for quite a while, so they are just reconnecting for the first time as a adults, after Chip moved here last winter.
Hmm... that is a squirrelly situation. That might require sober talk between the 3 of y'all, which isn't really feasible from what you're saying. A good idea might be to have a cut off limit of so many drinks per night or drinking stops after X time, to keep Chip from getting wasted and forcing Hulky to take care of him. I dunno. I haven't had that issue.
Oh I forgot Chip was hulky's brother............ that detail certainly muddies things up. Hulky might need to set some boundaries. Make suggestions for non-drinking outings. Maybe a family hike someplace?
yeah, that's unlikely Tomi :). It's just awkward because he's a grown-ass adult at 34 years old and isn't really interested in having his life together from what I can tell. I don't think he'll sit well with an imposed # of drinks, esp. since his tolerance is well above either of ours. We'll figure something out. Maybe Hulky is willing to tell his brother to get his act together, or they can keep their drinking nights over at their parents' house so Chip doesn't even have to go anywhere.
Hulky agrees that we need to figure out a way to manage Chip at least when it comes to our home, but we don't know what to do. If he doesn't drink here, we probably won't hang out with him. If he does drink here, once he's drinking, there's no way we'd be able to keep him to stick to x # of drinks or "get out by midnight". Unfortunately, he does not turn into a pumpkin. He also doesn't like to hang out with us outside the house too much because he feels like a third wheel, so I guess we're just stuck for now. I don't particularly want to hang with him anytime soon anyway.
SIL went into labor last night and delivered another beautiful baby boy! Sounds like everyone is healthy. I don't think he has a name yet (got me thinking about what name I would choose...Probably something with Walter). I hope we can see him this weekend!
Sleep - I was really dragging this morning. I'm going to have to start scheduling sex or aiming for bed at 10 instead of 10:30 so I can get to sleep on time!
Food - I didn't finish yesterday's food log because I barely ate and I ate graham crackers for dinner. Seems like drinking always throws my food plans/resolutions off for a few days. I didn't eat breakfast because of my fatigue, just took AM supplements & had a glass of apple cider w/ collagen hydrosylate. I only have some fruit for lunch, but may go out to get something at the store. Pre-flavored cottage cheese isn't ideal, but it's convenient...
An interesting observation on increasing fruit & sugar in my diet - I'm not getting acne. It seems like that is mostly a response I get to PUFA's and possibly wheat. Sugar alone does not seem to be an issue.
I'm slacking on the neti pot use, as usual, and could really use it today. It was very dry last night and my nostrils felt uncomfortable upon waking. We're entering into nosebleed season so I really need to be using it.
I've got some kind of rash from my period, I think. First time that has ever happened. I really hope it goes away soon because it's incredibly irritating :(. I think I'll try some ACV on it...
BM - Type 1 after work yesterday and then type 4 in the evening. Type 4/5 mid-morning today.