My idle thoughts of "being dead right now would not be so bad" and "FTS" attitude are drawing me to the donuts in the kitchen. Fear of a yeast flare-up is the only thing that's stopping me. The rest of me feels like it can't get any worse.
Aahhh nooo, now I want to cry. At least I get out earlier (4PM today), since I got in early thanks to almost-everybody-else-has-the-damn-day-off holiday non-traffic.
[QUOTE=namelesswonder;973464]My idle thoughts of "being dead right now would not be so bad" and "FTS" attitude are drawing me to the donuts in the kitchen. Fear of a yeast flare-up is the only thing that's stopping me. The rest of me feels like it can't get any worse.
Aahhh nooo, now I want to cry. At least I get out earlier (4PM today), since I got in early thanks to almost-everybody-else-has-the-damn-day-off holiday non-traffic.[/QUOTE]
The sugar and wheat in the donuts would also make those idle thoughts worse. You're stronger than your thoughts. Also, getting out at 4 means you can go for a walk or something without having to worry about daylight!
I had a small bit of donut because someone had left a small piece behind (like a 1" section). It was tasty. I'm reading these weak-willed cravings as serotonin depletion. Not much I can about that, Tryptophan only seems to be helping a little now. I think with the migration of feelings from "caring too much" last week to "not caring enough" this week, there's been some shift in the chemistry behind my depression.
It's really weird being able to analyze it while simultaneously feeling like utter crap.
I do need to walk more. Walking around Salem left my legs and feet really tired. Maybe I should walk to Whole Foods to look for that tea after work. I could get some more coconut milk for hot carob and/or rice pudding too.
You're dealing with an aweful lot of stuff --- physical and emotional. So sorry..... :( My son deals with the social anxiety issues. Its really hard for him, but he manages to push through it when he knows he has no other choice. At present he is still living at home (he's 26) and working fulltime as a drafter - 40 minutes north, freeway driving. He was just notified that he has pre-qualified for a mortgage, so now its time to have to deal with making calls and meeting with new people to look at houses.
He's also eating primally --- it hasn't seemed to help his anxiety, but he has no allergies or acne as long as he doesn't eat wheat or dairy. He also avoids sugar as much as possible. Changing his diet also helped him take off 130 pounds over about 18 months. He's tall and thin again! :)
He is managing. But couldn't definitely be doing better. Like I said, he's 26, still living at home, has never had a girlfriend, and hasn't really had any friends in about 8 years. He hates his life, but is working to change it. He's working on his self-esteem issues and on his physical appearance.
I wish I knew why some people had these kinds of stuggles. I do believe its all about the chemicals in the brain - everything has to be out of balance. I struggled a bit with these issues, and my sons father struggled a lot. I believe genetics plays a big part. But I do believe it is possible to learn to deal with it - I just don't know how to go about doing that.
Maybe you and my son should talk............ via pm or email. ???? Let me know if you're open to it - and if so I'll see if he is open to it.
Tomi, I think the #1 thing that has helped me overall with my anxiety is having a period of time where I could NOT experience it, so that I had a reference point for when things don't seem right in my brain. Using L-Tyrosine for a while seemed to help with my anxiety, and I think that was the best thing I could've done for myself. I don't recall any of the SSRI's I was ever on really helping with the anxiety, but I think some kind of supplement or medical starting point would be wise for anyone struggling with anxiety. And talk therapy.
[B]Food:[/B] I'm still not eating a lot. Yesterday, I had my can of sardines for lunch, chicken breast & broccoli for dinner, and a cup of hot carob-cocoa (1:1 of each, bought some cocoa powder, tastes much better mixed) with coconut milk after. Overall, not much food. My appetite actually flared up a few times yesterday, and this morning (had chicken breast for breakfast, not terribly filling), but I usually feel completed turned off from food between meals nowadays. I was highly tempted by the cookies that Boyfriend made last night, but I resisted and moped on the couch instead.
[B]Supplements:[/B] I realized I was dosing wrong AGAIN, this time with the Vitamin D3 drops (it's 1,000 IU per drop, not 5,000). I took around 20,000 IU today, planning on keeping the dose high for a while/as I feel it is needed. I think it helped. I'll be out of the Vitamin C pills today (the timed release ones I got before I took the powder), just left with Ester-C, which has calcium and Vitamin D in it. I don't know how effective those would be, especially since I think I need to take them with food. I took L-Tyrosine this morning, but no L-Tryptophan. I guess I'm feeling like experimenting a little bit, which I think is a good sign.
[B]Mood/brain:[/B] I'd still much rather be at home today, sleeping or drinking hot cocoa, but I don't feel as much as like hiding. My brain is still running at a confusing and stressful pace. I can't turn it off. I don't know if the Tyrosine will help with that any (I should have brought some to work with me). I'm overall not doing well, but it seems like there are some really low points at night. I think my cortisol levels are messed up (again?). Feeling extreme depression and anxiety when I'm just trying to go to bed is no good.
[B]Sleep:[/B] Because of my racing mind, I couldn't get to bed at a reasonable time last night. I got in bed around 11PM (a bit too late), but then felt really scared and lonely, so I curled up near Boyfriend and listened to him raid on WoW. The kitty joined me. I was almost asleep by the time the raid ended at midnight, so I fell asleep quickly when we both migrated to the bedroom. I ended up sleeping in a little this morning. Waking up in the morning feels a lot like it did last year/Winter, before I fixed my sleep schedule. I haven't been able to stick to it recently. I'm thinking of trying some Melatonin an hour or two before I want to be in bed, to try to get back to 10:30-6:30.
I'm contemplating shifting my schedule so I don't have to get up when it's still dark out this winter. I REALLY don't like this idea because I hate working later, but it might be necessary to stay functional this coming season. We'll see.
I'm really, really stressing about money right now. I live paycheck to paycheck. Most of my savings were made last Winter, and I have not been able to save much since, especially now that I'm helping Boyfriend with car payments. He just got hired for a temp job for a couple of months, starting November 5th, and it pays pretty well and he'll be able to put in lots of overtime. So that WILL relieve some burdens from me, financially, but not for another 6 weeks or so, depending on when he first gets paid. I also need to do work on my scooter soon, because this will mean I HAVE to ride it all Winter long. Dear gods, if ever there was a time I wanted NO SNOW this Winter, it's now. I hate asking that, but there is no way I'll be able to get to work safely and on time if it snows. Public transit would take me the wrong way first, and take about 90 minutes (or about an hour, including a 1 mile walk, which would not be rad in the snow), as opposed to the 15-20 driving. If my parents were going to replace my mom's Jetta (it has some really bad floor rot) soon, I could maybe take that off their hands until next Spring, but that could be 5 months, and I'm not positive the landlady will allow another car in the driveway (it wouldn't technically fit, and would depend on the last person in the driveway being the first one out in the morning, which is USUALLY her husband, but not always). Why can't they use their damn garage?!
One day at a time. First, getting oil worked out (application is being sent today in the mail, so hopefully we can arrange to have the tank filled sometime next week). Then, sealing off the windows (need to get the special tape, but have tons of the plastic) ASAP because the drafts are TERRIBLE. Then taking care of the damn scooter!!! Then being as frugal as possible, but I'm already having trouble with spending this month, with the food treats I've bought myself.
Wow. No wnder you're stressing and anxious. I don't have much to offer except *hugs* and a listening 'net ear.
NK, you and my trip to Salem inspired me to do some more idle thinking on spirituality. I forgot to wear my tiger's eye and quartz pendants today, but spent some time meditating with them last night so they are ready and waiting for me. I always feel better when I wear them. Whether that's external influence or the "power of positive thinking", I don't really care.
Same reason you see me wear amethyst and sodalite a lot. Both are powerful stones for me, calming and releasing trouble. I want to wear the necklace Geek got me everywhere for the same reason, but it's not exactly professionally appropriate.
Is it something that could be hidden with a longer chain?
Amethyst, yes, I don't think I have any, but I kept picking it up in all the shops in Salem. Tiger's eye has a feeling of clarity to me, something to keep my head on straight. Quartz for cleansing & healing. I don't know if I subscribe to the generally defined properties of various stones, that's just how I feel about them.
And then I've got this cool geode thing. I wonder if I could safely keep it in my work bag somewhere. It feels like a shield to me, which would be a good thing to have while on my scooter.
I asked Boyfriend to ask his dad about his Mustang again (dad's looking to get rid of it). Need to understand what work and $ is needed to get it working, but it could be the answer to my Winter transportation stress. I don't know what I'd do with it in the Spring though, if I rode my scooter (getting 70-80mpg is really awesome, yo). Anyway, I'll post more when I find out more. It could probably be ready pretty quickly, if not much money is needed up front. And with Boyfriend's temp job, I could afford insurance since I wouldn't have to pay him for his car. Only concern is sales tax.
The charm can't be separated from the necklace without pretty much breaking the original necklace, because of the way it's made.