Oh, honey. I want to help. I have no clue how I could, short of talking to you or maybe pulling some of your emotional pain, but I want to help you. You sound like me, so damn much it's not even funny.
NK, I have your number, and I cherish it, I really do, but I get such anxiety just THINKING about talking to people on the phone that I've never spoken to before. It's embarrassing. This goes beyond how my brain is right now, it's a general issue.
Man, I can barely make eye contact with people today (therapist). I haven't had that problem since early on in Primal. I forgot what that could be like. Now I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong food-wise that could be a factor. Could rice a few times a week really be that detrimental to my mental health?! I didn't have this issue with potatoes, so I will pick some up this weekend and start cutting out the rice and subbing with taters for some carbs. I'm still nibbling at the apples my mom gave me (Cortland, I think? kinda mealy, I prefer a crunch). anyway, it could just be the gut issues causing absorption problems and all sorts of other things. We're out of butter so I'm effectively avoiding dairy.
Next time I get a sweet tooth urge, I splurge on cocoa. This carob stuff is just not as awesome. I could probably learn to like it, but why bother?
I'm feeding my 12lb cat 1/4 cup of dry Nature's Variety (grain-free) twice a day and I'm pretty sure she's getting fatter (not jumping up on the couch as easily, has to claw-climb onto the bed now). This is supposed to be the right amount for her to lose weight. I think I'll switch her back to the first grain-free dry food I tried her on, Orijen. I'm worried.
-get hair trimmed (should only be $10)
-Drag Boyfriend to get his new lenses installed in glasses
-Buy concert tix at box office (saving $6.50 per ticket in fees)
-Enjoy a day wandering around Salem (absolutely no plans on my part except for browsing jewelry and hopefully a nice cozy drink)
Would it be easier typing it via Skype or fb msg? I get the not wanting to physically talk to a new person, I'm the same way. Typing doesn't seem to trigger the same reaction for me, though.
I read a study (This is the part where your eyes glaze over.) on male volunteers that showed an intake above 200 mg of Vitamin C decreased bioavailability significantly. My fear is that you're excreting it all out. *shrugs and hugs*
I am worried about that too, WC, but it's the only way I can poop!
I'm out of Vitamin C at the moment (pissed that I spent so much on this stuff that the doc recommended, but I needed such a high dose that I ran out in under two weeks). So I guess that means I get to be constipated until more arrives (ordered through Vitacost this time, it's exactly the same, just a different brand & cheaper).
I feel completely unmotivated to do ANYTHING today. I wrote a couple pages in my handwritten journal, which hasn't happened since January. I feel very blah. Very negative, but too lethargic to do anything about it except think idle negative thoughts. Boyfriend should be home in an hour or two, so I guess I can nag him to entertain me then. I got my hair trimmed, we took care of Boyfriend's glasses, I ate breakfast, I played some WoW, and now, I just can't make myself do anything. I am terrifically bored.
I'm worried about going to Salem tomorrow. If my mood dips, it's going to be very awkward, since Boyfriend's soccer schedule changed and I will have to be picked up/dropped off on the way, instead of having my own transportation.
Idle thoughts: I think I should go autoimmune protocol for a few weeks. That means no eggs. Nightshades aren't used often anyway, so that's easy enough. Not having eggs for breakfast will require more planning (maybe fish for breakfast instead of lunch?) and money, but if it's the answer to my gut issues, it's worth it.
I hope I can make it without the Vitamin C for a few days =\
I recognize these thoughts and feelings as much like how I felt pre-primal. Low motivation, low focus, not really ACTIVELY depressed. Hard to explain. Plenty of anxiety, but it's not like it's been for the past few weeks with me actively freaking out. I'm just full of anxious thoughts. I'm trying really hard to not think about the future. I laid on the couch yesterday and watched Decoy Bride and dreamed about smooching David Tennant (kinda not really, I mean, his chin is small, but his eyes are so puppy-doggish). I had to force myself to lie there, was having thoughts of harming myself if I'm being truly and painfully honest.
Now I'm burning my tongue on hot carob. That doesn't count.
I burn my tongue on all can-be-served-hot food items. It's a rule.
Sardines for breakfast? Well, I can get my omega-3 in for the day, but if that's an EVERYDAY thing that means over $60/mo for breakfast, not including a sweet potato or something to go with it. I haven't tried mixing carbs and protein in the morning since going paleo, except for the yogurt when I could still eat that.
BTW, my homemade yogurt was still good after 3 weeks in the fridge in a closed mason jar. I had that semi-failed batch still in there, figured I should ditch it since I can't eat it anyway. Ate a few spoonfuls to say goodbye and it was still delicious. AND I'm still lactose intolerant, because it brought forth a mighty wind in my gut. Or, some gurgling, anyway.
I'm waiting to hear from my friend about going to Salem. I kind of want to go to the Vitamin Shoppe for some olive leaf extract or oregano oil (because yes, I'm still itchy). I think I'll be lazy and just go to the ATM instead.
I dunno if it's o3. It's possibly the first touches of your yearly SAD popping up. sounds like it anyways, but I'm not a shrink. Is it possible to just get daylight bulbs without the entire expensive contraption? You could always put it in a lamp, if that's the case. Not sure how well it'd work compared to the dingus, but I wouldn't think it's hurt. If it's that you need the funny box for the light to hit you right, is it possible to build and wire one yourself?
Those thought s of self harm are unnerving, but you didn't act on them, which is a hard step. :)
It could be, though I'm guessing it's more of an absorption issue. My gut is all jacked up to Sunday, so I'm not absorbing whatever it is I need to keep cool and happy. I'll up my D3 for now to try and compensate. I've looked into the daylight lights before, but not for a while. Maybe there is something more affordable available now. My dad could probably help me wire something if I need to jury-rig anything.
[url=http://namelessw0nder.blogspot.com/2012/10/visiting-witch-city.html]Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Visiting Witch City[/url]
I'm trying to be more upfront about my feelings, so I can feel less like I'm burdening people.
I wonder if the constipation could still be a candida thing. I didn't have itching until after the constipation started...I think, but still, it could be. I'm looking into Pau D'arco, which is one of many things recommended to systemic candida infections. I am reading that it's best to take in tea form, so I could probably pick up a box for not too much $$ at Whole Foods. Maybe I will do that tonight. I've been drinking lots of ginger tea lately and it helps with the gas pressure. Recommendations I'm finding for Pau d'Arco tea say to take 4 cups a day. It'll take some remembering, but I can probably do one in the morning, two during the day at work (mid-morning and mid-afternoon, maybe?), and one in the evening.
I decided to start a symptom list so when I go back to the doc I saw last month who told me to take the vitamin C and prebiotic etc, I can be really thorough. I feel like I keep forgetting things that I should include. I'd like to go back and see him after a month, or after I've been on the vitamin C for 3 weeks straight (and I'm assuming there will be no improvement).
-Not hungry often, get full very quickly once I eat (this started when the constipation got really bad, so it's probably just pressure affecting my appetite)
-Gas build-up, lots of gurgling and discomfort, but very little release most of the time
-More acne than usual (on back & various places on face [around nose, temples, and chin, primarily])
-Depressed, unmotivated, anxious, unable to think clearly most of the time
-Potential hormonal issues: bad PMS (anxious depression) the week before period, alleviates within first day or two of getting period, flow is very heavy for first two days, and then very light, with bad cramping during the first two days.
Brain/mood for today: Generally wiped out. Feel kind of like crying would be good, but also so unmotivated that crying feels like an effort. Getting my ass out the door was only "easy" in that I cannot afford to miss work (as in, I need the money).
This is most of what I've been taking lately. I'm taking 600mg of Magnesium Citrate at night again, just because. I guess I should probably not "just because" stuff right now if it doesn't seem to help. I might try epsom salts tonight, since I'm still waiting for the powdered Vitamin C. The delivery date just got pushed back to Thursday :(. I wish I could reduce the amount of ALL OF THIS.
Got my hair trimmed in the back. Not as a-line as I want it, but getting there. Just a few months away from goal length, I hope.
This probably doesn't look that appetizing, but it's carob rice pudding. 1/2 can full-fat coconut milk on the stove, add rice, stir constantly over medium heat, add 1 tsp of vanilla extract, 2 tsp of honey, 3 tsp of carob powder (or less cocoa powder, if you use that), and pumpkin spice to taste. It was delicious, and my dinner last night.
I love this cat. It's really soothing to be feeling crappy and have her come over to bump heads with me or curl up next to me.