I felt a lot better last night after a nice big dinner of potatoes (kind of fail oven fries, I think they were too wet and/or crowded), mixed veg, and a huge pork chop. I think the sick feeling was my body's very odd response to me not eating enough >< I have lunch today, never fear! It's so easy for me to fall into this pattern of "I can fast! I'm Primal!" and then just not eat enough. I mean, 1100-1200 calories a day, at a guess, for a week, on average, is not going to do good things for this little body. Well, I don't think it's good for anyone, but regardless. I am feeling almost back to normal today. Slightly frazzled because I could not sleep last night (probably fell asleep around midnight, probably too much screen time on top of some female-related discomfort). I am giving up on 5-HTP for now because it did nothing for me last night, yet again. I am wondering if the L-Glutamine prevents me from absorbing it now. Which is good, I guess, for my gut, but means I need to find something else to help with the depression and stress management. For now, I'm back to taking L-Tyrosine and we'll see how I fair on that. If my depression is mostly stemming from my anxiety, I may only need the Tyrosine, but I might need something else to help me sleep.
Today, my head feels a bit off still, like it's fuzzy. I wonder if it's just allergies. I forgot to have my spoonful of honey. Ew, and I forgot to brush my teeth, but I have a toothbrush and paste in my backpack, hooray!
I have this little bit of fat or something just below my belly button that I think many people have. It comes and goes day to day. It was bigger last week (but I was also bloated overall), and barely there today. I think it's kind of cute, oddly enough. I'm almost ready for my follow-up photos to show off my 15 lbs lost since last year and the muscle definition I'm gaining. I love the progress in my shoulders especially. I feel that this is a reasonable excuse to spend a little money on myself and buy a new bathing suit. Target and Old Navy are my vices, hopefully I won't buy anything else. Maybe next month, as a birthday present to myself, I will buy a dress.
[B]Budget thoughts:[/B] Buying small/cheap items for myself from time to time (once a month) is how I got kept the spending habits at bay in college, only I had so much more expendable income then, I tended to slide in multiple purchases instead of just one kombucha every weekend (probably not this weekend though) and a clothing item from time to time. I have a better sense of the importance of where my money is going now so I think it will be easier to limit myself. I consolidated a few $tarbucks gift cards a couple of months ago and was pleasantly surprised this past weekend when my balance was $22. I thought it was half that and that I was about to use it up (paying for 3 drinks)! It's nice to know that I can treat myself on occasion without spending any money.
[B]Family situation:[/B] So back to Easter, my dad's friend said I was "defaced" when he saw my tattoo and my dad said, "That's what I said" (and that's not what he said). I was so surprised that I just laughed and walked away. Later, telling Boyfriend, I realized how much it bothered me and worked out that it was because he'd essentially let his friend insult me and then backed up his friend instead of his own daughter. My mom has apparently talked to my dad about it, but I don't know what she said or how he responded. I've made an opportunity to talk to him tomorrow, by asking if he'll help sand down a book case I got for free (it's a hideous shade of green, I want to strip it or smooth it out so I can paint it something else). I don't really know how to approach the situation. I talked about this at therapy this morning and only gained a better understanding of my confusion, but nothing about how to deal with it. I feel like if it's not discussed tomorrow, it won't ever be, and I don't think it would be healthy for me to have that hanging over me. What I [i]want[/i] is for my dad to acknowledge that he knows what he said/did was wrong. I feel inclined to tell him how it hurt, but also feel like I shouldn't have to, that this is something he should know already. I do realize that sometimes it's not that obvious, especially when it comes to my family. I guess I'm preparing myself for tears, and I hate that feeling.
[B]Brain shizz:[/B] In therapy, I keep wondering if my feelings are appropriate. Today I realized that it really doesn't matter what other people do/think, but how I perceive things, to determine how I will act in a given situation. The question is not "Is this okay?" but "Is this okay for me?". It's somewhat shocking to realize that I don't give precedence to my own thoughts and feelings, much of the time. I wonder sometimes how I might be different if I hadn't been so depressed in my teens, coming out of those years with such low self-worth. I still struggle to accept that I am well and truly worth the effort for some things. It is interesting hearing Boyfriend's opinion of my family situations, as I've built up callouses to the hurts they've given me. Now I need to decide if these issues are things I feel are worth tackling and that they will be beneficial to me, or if I'm willing to let them go and just accept my family as they are. I don't want to change them, I know I can't really, but I think there are adjustments that could be made to make my life a bit easier.
[B]Weekend plans:[/B] Clean up the bookcase in some way or another, have an awesome time at our party Saturday night (we made Jolly Rancher vodka, it looks awesome), go shopping with my sister Sunday morning and generally enjoy myself.
Wow, you should do what my family does and suppress all those feelings! Just kidding.
Your dad probably doesn't know that he hurt your feelings and if he does then he probably doesn't know how to fix the problem, making it just all the more awkward for him, and consequently, you as well. Don't overestimate men's awareness of feelings. I hope it works out this weekend though!
The suppression is totally my family. Things get swept under the rugs left and right. I feel very unequipped to figuring out how to handle conflict now "as an adult" and that can be very difficult for Boyfriend and me. He has his own bag of tricks when it comes to conflict resolution so I mostly try to read off of him to figure out what to do, but that doesn't really help when we have an argument and he is just mad haha. At least we can laugh about it later when I tried to emulate him and did not realize it wasn't a technique.
Maybe you can simply let your Dad know that when he said that to his friend, that he was showing you that his friend is more important to him than you are. Leave it at that. Just because he is your parent does not mean that he has the answers or ability to deal with things any better than you do. If he's open to discussion then maybe you guys can make some progress - if not then you know that you stood you ground and let him know how you feel. Working on a project together is an awesome way to keep your realationship open even when some other parts about it are stressed. Sometimes, we expect things (maturity, approval, etc) from others that they simply don't possess and it is like asking for the keys to the Porsche that they don't have. Sending calm and confident vibes your way!
Thanks, MF, I appreciate the thoughts.
I am feeling sick again. I'm having lunch now so I'm hoping that will help. I wonder if this is "high carb flu" or some shit like that? Maybe I tempted fate with too many carbs and my hypoglycemia is back with a vengeance? It used to just be that awful shaking with hunger feeling and irritability when I hadn't eaten for a few hours and especially in the morning. I am getting upset now because I'm frustrated with feeling ill. At least it's a Friday. Maybe I can prod ASDF to entertain me more, I'm bored!
This post may be very disjointed. I just cannot get my brain to function properly today.
I feel like I am stuck in a cycle right now, and have been for the past couple of weeks. I feel like I am thinking too much, which is a dangerous way for me to feel, much like when I'm bored. Too much danger. Stressed about being stressed. Depressed as a result. Don't feel equipped to fix it/deal with it. Need another day off, thank goodness it's going to be a long weekend (and I get paid Friday). I really want to start St John's Wort, but feel like I can't justify making more personal purchases before the month is over.
The weekend started off really well and it was overall a good weekend, but there was too much worrying in it. I did not talk to my dad and I think I might cop-out and email him. I was the one growing up that would leave notes on pillows when I wanted to talk but was not comfortable starting the conversation. My family is used to this, so it might make it easier, but I worry that I will not be able to effectively convey my feelings via text (lack of tone) and that I will not understand his response if he does not propose a time/place to discuss in person. I don't think today is a good day for me to try to articulate myself in general, so this is getting put off for very good reason.
Saturday, we cleaned the apartment. Boyfriend made a proposition: that he would make dinner 5 nights out of the week if I take care of the litter box. A tempting proposition, but I might ask if we could change it to 4 nights out of the week if he will always (or at least usually) have dinner ready by or before 8 or 8:30 pm. 8:30 is pushing it, I'd really rather eat as early as 7. Growing up, we usually ate at 6 or earlier so that plus having trouble sleeping if I eat too close to bedtime is not working well for me.
-had a HUGE sweet potato (we're talking probably 3" diameter) mashed and was too full to eat the pork chops I made to avoid drunken pizza consumption
-had more to drink than usual, thanks to carb-loading with sweet potato, I think. Drank some water, but not enough, and had 2 slices of pizza. Instantly bloated. Felt very guilty since all my friends know I am "paleo", but I realized they probably will not hold party behavior "against me", or probably don't really care.
-took the role of most-sober at the party (until the non-drinker showed up later) and as a result, worried about everything and could not stop worrying about everything because I was drunk. Legitimate worries, in some cases, about person who probably got a concussion when they hit their head on a radiator, then Boyfriend was drunkenly explaining how to treat a concussion in a way that probably did not put her at ease, then radiator-victim's boyfriend was ill in the bathroom, worrying her more. And I worried about it all, as is my nature.
-Slept like crap, which is what usually happens when I drink.
-all day hang over, which means head-ache that only goes away with Ibuprofen so I dosed continuously throughout the day. Woke up with a headache last night, still, and still feeling off today. Hangover also means depressed. No energy. Played Diablo III until my wrist was stiff and my eyes felt buggy.
-Bloated. 2 more slices of pizza until guilt made me feel like crying about it so I ordered sushi and didn't enjoy it. It was warm by the time it got to us and so the rice was falling apart.
Feeling very "everything is wrong in the world" today. It's not even 11 AM (at time of writing, now 11:30 AM) and I am feeling like the day will never end. Not much going on at work today that I know how to fix/can work on immediately (waiting for answers in all things that I can think of) so I am struggling to find things online to keep me busy. Unfortunately I forgot to set up the books I downloaded to access at work, otherwise I'd be all over the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy, which I started last night.
There are some things going on at work that require my attention, but I really do not have the brain powder to deal with it today. I find it especially upsetting to be at work and not be able to do anything because I'm not functioning at even 50%, not just because there's nothing to do (which is the usual case).
Wow... that's a lot of stuff in just a couple of posts. I'm sorry you didn't end up having the conversation with your dad. Once I was dating a guy that I knew my dad hated, and I overheard a comment he said to someone that really struck me and as a result I didn't talk to him for weeks. My mom (they're divorced) noticed I wasn't talking to him and told me that no matter what it was that he did, I need to just get over it b/c he won't be here forever, and I shouldn't waste the time I could have with him. She was right.
I know the comment your dad made and the comment my dad made are not related, but I have to rehash what my mom said. Chances are he didn't realize that what he was saying could be hurtful. I don't think he was being spiteful or mean when he said it, but then again, I didn't hear the tone given with the words of either his friend or your dad. But, again, he may not have realized his words could be hurtful. If you feel you MUST say something, then I would just drop him a note that says something like "Dad, I love you and I know you love me, but I want you to know that those words were hurtful to me". Hopefully he'll come back with "I'm sorry" and all can be forgiven and later forgotten.
Keeping it simple is a good call. I get long-winded most of the time so something short and to the point is probably best, at least to start with.
[url=http://namelessw0nder.blogspot.com/2012/05/i-am-grateful.html]Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: I am grateful.[/url]
Today's silver lining: the not-boss is going to be out of the office for the rest of the week, which should mean I will be much less stressed! Butting heads with him when I'm barely functioning is not fun mostly because telling him to shut the fuck up and let me go back to my desk is hanging on the tip of my tongue.
Probably not a good thing to say...
Haha yeap, but my family has given me a lot of practice at bottling up, and in this case, that's very good!
I am mentally checking out today and feeling a bit better for it. I don't have to be 100% all the time and today I'm definitely not. That's fine. It's a process. I think that's my mantra.