But we don't live in a world that uses the barter system as a primary means of economy. I see what you're saying, I just don't like it and I don't care to have a discussion about it either.
And then, I had my annual performance review yesterday and got a raise. A really good one, based on the percentage system they usually use (3-5% on average...I got 12%). Partially it's because I'm going to be doing more going forward than I have been so far, and I'm picking up responsibilities that other Help Desk folks don't normally do just because of the way our office is. So I pretty much instantly felt much less stressed about $$ and that actually frustrates me! Part of it is just my mind's habit of hanging on to things that I'm used to, including/mostly bad habits (frustration over good things because it's change and there are yet more variables to take into consideration), and part of it is simply because I need to accept that "more money" is not going to be the solution. The solution is acceptance of my situation and just dealing with it. I can manage this, from time to time, just not this week, apparently.
I can't quite figure out the math to determine how the raise will affect my income paycheck to paycheck, and I might have to wait 4 weeks to see the change (raise is retroactive to the 30th, bi-weekly paycheck is offset by 2 weeks, but the request was just approved this week). I like to know so I can at least pretend I will know how much money I have to work with for the month, and try to plan accordingly. As it stands right now, no grocery shopping until tomorrow, but we are having a friend over and I really hope he can pitch in a little. Spending fast = engaged!
Recently I've been trying to stand up for myself. It starts in small places, like basically telling Facebook "Fuck you, I'm posting whatever Paleo-related shit I want because it interests me and I'm not going to let other people bother me about it because they can un-friend or unsubscribe if it bothers them." And a bunch of people were all (genuinely) "Good for you" and it felt good to know I have support. Then, this morning, I posted something about Paleo again and suddenly felt so nervous about it. "Maybe I should take it down..." Somebody commented "OMG SHUT UP ABOUT PALEO (just kidding)" and my heart started racing before I even finished reading it! I guess my stress this week isn't helping, so I clicked out of FB for a while and am feeling better, but still vary cautious. I don't want to worry about what I say so much, but I know I have a tendency to come off heavy-handed if I'm not careful enough. Is that so wrong to worry about that? It seems like the healthier version of "worrying about what EVERYONE thinks of me". Yet another example of "did not have a great example to model myself after while growing up and now I'm freaking the fuck out trying to figure out 'Is this right?'"
In other news, I hope Trader Joe's has decent Greek Yogurt because the Stop & Shop only has Chobani non-fat and a brand based out of VT (makes cheese too, can't remember the name). The full-fat VT-brand has trans fat in it, though the ingredients looked fine! The ingredients looked fine on the low-fat one, the sugar increase wasn't much, and there was no trans fat, so I picked that one up, but it doesn't taste nearly as good, even with raw local honey. I don't have lunch today, but with the way my brain is going, I really wish I did. I don't want more dairy (had yogurt this morning), otherwise I'd pick up some cottage cheese on my break.
Okay, brain, time to focus on how to feel better. Yesterday I did some squats & bent-over rows and felt pretty good about it. I spent some me-time watching Hellboy II with Fae and cleansing some stones at my little altar setup. It felt right. Boyfriend made dinner at my request, since he didn't cook Monday night, and I was not feeling up to it. I should have eaten more, but opted to finish off my chocolate Haagen Daz instead. Thanks to the L-Glutamine, my acne did not flare up as a result, but it does make me a bit queasy and I don't feel like eating in the morning (this week, could be the L-Glutamine, could just be the stress). It was really relieving to be able to treat myself, a bit too much even, and not suffer as a result. Tonight, I [i]will[/i] vacuum the apartment, no matter what! No more putting it off! And... more squats! And... I don't know. I hope I can think of some other things to keep busy with later.
I hope the boyfriend is ok and that his depression passes. Is he on any medication or did he stop using it too?
Congratulations on the raise! Exciting news! And what a huge jump too! The only way I know of to estimate the new income is to take the old income (before tax) and multiply by 1.12 (for the 12% increase). that'll give you your new pretax pay, but I don't know how to figure in the take home pay. There are calculators online you can use to do that, but they don't consider all of the variables like insurance, etc.
i liked your facebook post about "I'm posting what I want, deal with it". I thought it was great and it gave me the courage to not be so worried about seeing self-riteous and whatnot when posting about my weight loss, health improvements, etc. Brag on, girl!
Hooray for more money! You know- you can also do it my way. Wait and see and be plesantly surprised. (I have had an aversion to math since I had a teacher tell us that we could sing "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" with him to get out of half a homework assignment.)
Well, you know as well as anyone that all you can do for Boyfriend is be there when he's willing and able to reach out to you. But it sounds like you are doing well with balancing your mental health against what you can do for him. The stronger you can be for yourself, the stronger you can be for him.
One thing you could do, too, nameless, is to take the extra money and set it aside in a savings account for instances that surprise you - like car maintenance, etc. Unless you're so strapped that you're behind on debts etc, then definitely apply it to your debts. I have always intended to put raises aside, but it's never worked out b/c I'd find something else to buy... lol
I wish the boyfriend luck with finding a job. Places like CVS and Best Buy always seem to be hiring so that'd be a good place to work while he's looking for a job. :)
I'm a little new to your journal, but what is the underlying cause of said depression for said boyfriend?
Yeah, that's right. I just HeeHaw'd your journal.
[QUOTE=namelesswonder;826846]I think things will improve once he finds employment, but finding work is an added stress that is not helping his optimism right now. I was happy to hear that he filled out outline apps for places like CVS and Best Buy though! I wasn't expecting him to do that.[/QUOTE]
If I remember correctly your bf is a veteran. Home Depot and Lowes are very veteran friendly in their hiring practices. They also tend to pay better than other retail outlets.
Boyfriend's depression factors start last fall (or even earlier) with getting very sick and missing school, back injury flaring up and missing school due to pain & physical therapy, grades suffering as a result, shoulder injury that kept him out of school due to pain, then the first week or two of this past semester due to surgery. Recovery has been timely, but slower than he would like (he is used to being able to get up and go whenever he wants, as he was incredibly active up until getting out of the Army in 2009, including several hours at the gym everyday in high school). I think if it were one or a couple of these things and then everything as normal, he couldn't handled it, but it's just too much to deal with. This semester he mostly missed class out of a lack of motivation because of all of the above, but fortunately did not fail anything (got a D in a lab, but apparently that still counts towards graduation, my major required at least a C). He went to one counselling session but refuses to go to more. I am seeing signs of progress, like him applying to jobs, and it only taking him a few hours to decide to re-apply to a position when he forgot to indicate that he won't be returning to school next fall (was rejected after 20 min so that's likely the reason). He is convinced that getting a job will fix everything. It will certainly help our finances, though he might be making less than the Army is supposed to pay him during the school year so I'm not sure.
[QUOTE=canio6;827663]If I remember correctly your bf is a veteran. Home Depot and Lowes are very veteran friendly in their hiring practices. They also tend to pay better than other retail outlets.[/QUOTE]
Oh nice! I will suggest those to him. My ex worked at a Home Depot and I recall the pay was pretty decent. Thanks!
Ohhh, yeah maybe a job will help. Menfolk tend to put a lot of their self worth into their ability to take care of their missus. I agree with canio, HD and lowes are veteran friendly. As is Wal-mart, which is not that bad to work out, contrary to what people think.