[QUOTE=Pebbles67;1098658]Thanks as usual for the advice.
I should not have written the above. I must be crazy. My husband came home all sweet and loving. No clue that his wife is trashing him on her journal. Maybe it's just me. [/QUOTE]
You get what you pay for so please take what I'm about to say with that in mind.
Yes I have felt trapped. Yes I wanted my marriage to work. Yes I tried everything to help it succeed-- individual therapy, communication workshops, marriage counseling, journaling with him because he felt overwhelmed by how quickly I respond to things verbally, reading countless books.....
Each time you have written something along the lines of "he came home all sweet and loving, maybe it's me" I have sat on my hands so I couldn't respond, as I see as not my place.
However you asked about being trapped. So I decided to respond. My husband always got lovey dovey when he knew he was wrong. He knew if I returned his "mood" in kind he was safe and things were fine. Things never got resolved.
If I didn't respond accordingly he would either get passive aggressive or ignore me. The light switch of emotions/behavior drove me crazy.
So, given my situation, I think I can safely say NO it is not just you. I think it's the dance the two of you do. Maybe it's time to learn a new dance.
And for what it's worth-- my husband ended up doing something I couldn't live with. We have been legally separated for almost 10 years. Not happy it didn't work. Thrilled to have my self worth back.
Thank You. I know in my heart that it is not just me.
People think my husband is such a great guy. Heck, you guys would probably even like him. Maybe, even after 20+ years together, we are not right for each other.
I do like the word dance. I am not totally innocent in this situation and right now I am not doing my best to make things better. This includes taking care of myself so that I can handle whatever comes along, and taking positive action to remedy what I can for our family.
[QUOTE=Pebbles67;1098658]Thanks as usual for the advice.
I should not have written the above. I must be crazy. My husband came home all sweet and loving. No clue that his wife is trashing him on her journal. Maybe it's just me.
[QUOTE=naiadknight;1098670]Pfft. Don't you dare apologize for having emotions and needs. One dose of love does NOT make up for multiple doses of "fuck you." This journal is here for you to be you, warts, anger and all. If you started being suspiciously perfect, I'd call you out on not letting your emotions out in a (relatively) healthy way. These are the letters you write and don't send. You need the release.[/QUOTE]
Like marcadav said, when men feel that they screwed up, they pull the lovey dovey card. Seriously, Clint is known for doing this a thousand times over. I got to the point of saying FU. You can't be pissed off at me one minute for X and expect me to want to fuck you the next. It doesn't happen that way. Either stayed pissed off at me and stew for a few days or lets talk it out. Either way, you ain't getting any so be done with it. Men do this shit ALL the time(sorry Jon).
I have something I want to tell you but can't tell you in your journal. I'll have to message you on it.
And I'm glad you left Jon out of that one.
I'm pretty sure it's an individual man issue and not all men... because I was just feeling very thankful that as messed up as I am, my guy doesn't do those things and add to it.
He's certainly not perfect, but he doesn't play those games at all.
Perspective is hard sometimes when you are standing in the middle of your own storm.
I love you Geo. That's my new motto..."You can't be pissed off at me one minute and then expect me to FU the next."
[QUOTE=geostump;1098958]Men do this shit ALL the time(sorry Jon).[/QUOTE]
Another added benefit of voluntary celibacy is that none of these statements apply to me. That and I am way too good a husband to pull any of this shit ;) (kidding)
Yes I recognize that there are good relationships and wonderful men. My husband can be a wonderful man too.
There were signs early on that maybe our personalities were not the most compatible. Unfortunately, I was a woman who had been fat since childhood. Suddenly in my early 20s I got thin, met a great guy with a great family who wanted to marry me. It was easy to ignore those worrisome issues.
My husband is going through a bad time. Maybe things will get better later.
I think one of the issues is that the only person who seems to be actively working at "making things better" is you, and that's too great a burden from the perspective of all of us on the outside. And probably you can tell that too, as it seems to motivate much of your stress if you look at it like "work".
Your husband seems either to float along a bit oblivious or instigate out of his own frustrations at not actively doing... until you break and push back and then he pulls his dance card out to smooth the situation.
However, until he decides to actively participate in healing the situation the only thing you really can do is work on you and loving yourself, be as positive towards the relationship as possible because that is really all you can do as well, and hope he wakes up and sees what he is missing out on... this is not work, it's love.
There is a great deal to be said for acknowledging what you can and cannot control in a situation. You control you. Not him. Except that by loving yourself and being positive about your relationship he might come to reflect the same back into the relationship.
[B]BTW Cori[/B] What the hell did you ever do to anna5? She does not like you.
+1 to everything you said above. I need to get to the point where I don't allow him or the situation to derail me.
Anna-Oh... I told her I don't believe in circumcision. That's all.
She kinda has issues... :rolleyes:
Lots of self reflection at my house lately.
Can you tell. ;)