I quit smoking 2 years (June 2010). In August of 2011 I started puffin' socially with a few friends every few weeks. Now I'm in the backyard when the hubs is at work sneaking cigarettes and then running in to take a shower and brush my teeth before he gets home. I had a fucking precancerous breast mass removed last year. What the fuck am I doing?
Well, I'm addicted to sugar and I've been off for 25 days. So like a typical addict, I am moving my addiction. Addiction is a bitch that hides under coconuts and keeps getting moved from sugar, to over achievement, to cigarettes, to worry, to fill in the damn blank. You ever been around AAers? They drink coffee by the gallon and smoke cigarettes like a chief. They are still addicts, just not drinking at the moment.
My goal is to keep moving it until I get a healthy addiction like exercise or saving $. LOL, I'll let ya'll know if I ever figure out how to make that happen! Until then, I'm in the addict club.
I know I have an addictive behavior pattern. That's one of the main reasons I never picked up drinking or smoking. My addiction growing up was overacheivement (well,addiction/ child adulthood, but that's not a story for this journal.) It still is, to a certain extent. It's slowly going away, and being replaced with an addiction to.. y'know, it's funny. I don't think I'm replacing it. I think it's just gonig away. Now I'm confused.
Thanks everyone for the thoughts and support. Couldn't post earlier because I didn't want to cry in front of my students.
I am just feeling as if nothing in my life will change for the better if I can't even change myself. How can I save my marriage, keep my son from commiting suicide, improve our financial situation, teach my students about being successful in life etc. if in the end all I am is an addict with delusions of grandeur.
When I eat badly, I am not capable of doing everything that my life demands of me, period. But I can't seem to stop.
Now I sound like a whiney baby. Sorry. Anyway, I'm not quitting and not leaving. But I think that I will stop posting about the food plan I'm following, for now.
Except for this...Primal by the book worked for me the first year, but it somehow triggered my binge eating disorder. At first, I could go about 6 weeks between binges, then it was once a month, then several days in a row and now it is hard to string together a week of clean eating. The second year after my Mom died I struggled a lot and 20 lbs of weight came back on. Then this summer, I tried Prozac and gained 10 more lbs. So here I am seeing myself going the wrong direction in weight, seeing that poor miserable 280lb woman re emerging.
I always know when I am unhappy in my life because I retreat into a world of fantasy. I read romance novels and I listen to music in my bedroom and imagine being a famous actress or singer. Or worse, for my marriage, I imagine being free to pursue some of the men that have expressed interest in me lately. The fantasy I guess is being with someone new who does not have 20+ years of knowledge of me, who sees me as beautiful, exciting and fabulous without all the baggage. My reality right now is kind of hard, so the fantasies keep me going, but I know in the end they distract me from making things better and doing what I should do.
I imagine that this too shall pass. Maybe it is a mid life crisis.
1) If there's one place you're allowed to bitch and whine and cry and emote, it should be your journal. I think you told me something very similar, several times over.
2) You may need to step away from heavily constricted versions of primal for a while. It may be too much for your psyche to hafta worry about how much protein or fat you've gotten that day on top of all your other problems.
3) If you need to pull into another world to hlep deal with this one, that's what it's there for. That's not to say let it replace this one, but use it as a form of stress relief.
4) This may be a time when [God/ Universe/ Fate] is showing you just how strong you are by poking at all your weaknesses. I know that sounds strange, but I honestly believe that's what happened with me these past 6 months. You'll come out stronger on the other side of this madness. You don't hafta go through the madness alone, though. We're here, and I'm reasonably certain there are binge eating support groups on the net, if not locally.
[QUOTE=Pebbles67;1018309]I am just feeling as if nothing in my life will change for the better if I can't even change myself. How can I save my marriage, keep my son from commiting suicide, improve our financial situation, teach my students about being successful in life etc. if in the end all I am is an addict with delusions of grandeur.[/QUOTE]
One thing that I take from is, that can be hard to accept, but you should know, this is not all one you. In all of these things, you are not the only person who is responsible for improving the situation. Your husband is involved in the first three things, and there are other teachers, mentors, and figures in your students lives that will impact their success as well. It can feel like it's a burden that falls entirely on you, but remember that is the depression/mood/funk talking, and not the truth of the matter. You have us, and I hope others in your everyday life that you can lean on. Just remember to lean.
P, you just have to forgive yourself and do the best you can. The Primal WOL doesn't make you Superwoman; positive change is incremental, and sometimes we all backslide. It's called being human.
As nameless says, all these concerns involve other people, and getting others to act the way you want or hope or expect falls into the herding cats category sometimes. Just do your best. Take a moment to pray or meditate every week and forgive yourself, and to cleanse yourself, and to refocus yourself. You're carrying way too much on those shoulders.
[QUOTE=Finnegans Wake;1018451] [B]The Primal WOL doesn't make you Superwoman[/B].[/QUOTE]
What? Wait a minute. It Doesn't? I've been had. ; )
Thanks FW and the rest of you for such truly fabulous and uplifting advice.
I have a plan which I will mostly keep to myself for now. Tonight I am going to go take a new ZUMBA class and see if I can't get some good feelings brewing. Back on the wagon (in whatever primal form I choose) tomorrow. Husband is at work this evening, but seems to be in a good mood today. He asked if the kids and I would go along for the ride to PA tomorrow evening to pick up his parents. I said yes.
Bethlehem. My SIL lives and owns a business there. My inlaws went to see her hair salon.
The advice I want to give is to tell you to concentrate on one or two of those tasks that are most important to you. Focus your energies there and do what you can with the others, but don't stress over them. maybe? And most CERTAINLY, don't be afraid to ask for help! You shouldn't have to carry the weight of the world on just your shoulders. I know as women we tend to think that's our job, but it's ok to ask for help. :)
Hugs to you.