I would miss you horribly, but do what you need to do. Please don't leave on account of less than stellar behavior. If everyone that wasn't perfectly primal left the boards, there would be very few people left (mostly the self righteous sitting around in a circle jerk.)
You're still figuring you and your body out. Shit happens. Life happens. Emotions grab hold and shake you like a martini. The emotions, binging, and all that only win the war when you give up. Until then, it may be a lost battle, but you're still winning the war. You win the war every day you don't say "fuck it, might as well give up for good." Even if you leave primal in search of something that works for you, I, for one, would like seeing you still here and trying to win the war.
1. you are not a fool
2. Admitting your addicted (sugar and carbs) is the first step, take it one day at a time.
3. Identify the trigger that set the binge.
4. Take a sabbatical from MDA for a weekend, or a week (I have done this just to regroup- it helps)
5. You are still lapping the people doing nothing.
6. We love and support you whether you binge or not.
Sorry things are rough P. As for looking like a fool, hell, you're in good company. If I had a dollar for every time I jacked up this primal thing, well, I wouldn't have to dream about winning the lottery. Food is not an easy thing to overcome. If it was we'd all look like Mark or the female equivalent, and I'd never have met any of y'all. So you binged. Whoopdie fucking do. You didn't strangle a puppy or pimp slap an old lady (though some of them need it). You ate some food. People do it all the time. Hell, I ate so much fage yesterday I might as well buy stock. As you said, you have tried all kinds of combinations and there you go - for 2 years you have tried and tried and tried. You were not one of those sad sacks who posted "OMG I have done primal for 3 hours and haven't lost 42 pounds yet! WTF is wrong with this way of eating?!" You bust your (very attractive) ass and keep on trucking. Leave the forum because you are tired of looking like a fool? Please. Leave if you need a break. Leave if it make you happy. Leave if it makes it better for you. But leaving because of looking like a fool. Nope, not buying it chica. You are anything but that.
One thing though...you said you did really well your first year. What changed? I ask because I did very well until I started trying primal d'jour - resets and what have you. Straight up primal seems to work best for me.
I will try to write something thoughtful and insightful later today. Because I have to run in about 30 seconds, I'll just send some hugs.
[QUOTE=demuralist;1017582]Yep, sleeping alone is very nice. When we were on Sabbatical, we had 2 twin beds on the floor, next to each other but not quite touching. Best sleep we have ever had as a couple. we snuggled on the one I slept on, then when we were ready to sleep he rolled over onto his twin. That bedroom also had a VERY loud fan. We called it the turbo fan! Our spare bed is the 2 twins set on box springs, but so that it feels like a king I have a layer of the egg crate foam on it, a fairly thin layer of memory foam (2" at the most), and a featherbed topped cover sheet (all from Target) and it has the same effect. Everyone who sleeps in that bed oversleeps. I think having the 2 mattresses keeps the partner's movements contained. Worth considering.[/QUOTE]
What a great idea! Maybe your hubby would be willing to try this out so he's not waking you when you're trying to sleep? It's like having a single bed, but without the separation. Brad and I have a tempurpedic memory foam bed. It does an amazing job of cushioning Brad's (or my) movements so he doesn't wake me when he moves around. If you can't get the double mattress thing to work out, maybe upgrading to a full memory foam bed would work?
Sorry for the binges. I know they're frustrating. Just keep trying. Something will work one of these days.
As for hubby, I have no advice. I can't help but feel like he's feeling badly about himself with the whole job situation (is he still looking for a hospital job?). And, to see you losing weight, getting healthy, acting on stage, making the big time with movie roles, etc, might make him feel inferior in comparison to your success. It really sucks and I'm sorry. I honestly have no advice as to how to fix it. All I can offer are hugs.
(ps, how's your son doing???)
I quit smoking 2 years (June 2010). In August of 2011 I started puffin' socially with a few friends every few weeks. Now I'm in the backyard when the hubs is at work sneaking cigarettes and then running in to take a shower and brush my teeth before he gets home. I had a fucking precancerous breast mass removed last year. What the fuck am I doing?
Well, I'm addicted to sugar and I've been off for 25 days. So like a typical addict, I am moving my addiction. Addiction is a bitch that hides under coconuts and keeps getting moved from sugar, to over achievement, to cigarettes, to worry, to fill in the damn blank. You ever been around AAers? They drink coffee by the gallon and smoke cigarettes like a chief. They are still addicts, just not drinking at the moment.
My goal is to keep moving it until I get a healthy addiction like exercise or saving $. LOL, I'll let ya'll know if I ever figure out how to make that happen! Until then, I'm in the addict club.
I know I have an addictive behavior pattern. That's one of the main reasons I never picked up drinking or smoking. My addiction growing up was overacheivement (well,addiction/ child adulthood, but that's not a story for this journal.) It still is, to a certain extent. It's slowly going away, and being replaced with an addiction to.. y'know, it's funny. I don't think I'm replacing it. I think it's just gonig away. Now I'm confused.
Thanks everyone for the thoughts and support. Couldn't post earlier because I didn't want to cry in front of my students.
I am just feeling as if nothing in my life will change for the better if I can't even change myself. How can I save my marriage, keep my son from commiting suicide, improve our financial situation, teach my students about being successful in life etc. if in the end all I am is an addict with delusions of grandeur.
When I eat badly, I am not capable of doing everything that my life demands of me, period. But I can't seem to stop.
Now I sound like a whiney baby. Sorry. Anyway, I'm not quitting and not leaving. But I think that I will stop posting about the food plan I'm following, for now.
Except for this...Primal by the book worked for me the first year, but it somehow triggered my binge eating disorder. At first, I could go about 6 weeks between binges, then it was once a month, then several days in a row and now it is hard to string together a week of clean eating. The second year after my Mom died I struggled a lot and 20 lbs of weight came back on. Then this summer, I tried Prozac and gained 10 more lbs. So here I am seeing myself going the wrong direction in weight, seeing that poor miserable 280lb woman re emerging.
I always know when I am unhappy in my life because I retreat into a world of fantasy. I read romance novels and I listen to music in my bedroom and imagine being a famous actress or singer. Or worse, for my marriage, I imagine being free to pursue some of the men that have expressed interest in me lately. The fantasy I guess is being with someone new who does not have 20+ years of knowledge of me, who sees me as beautiful, exciting and fabulous without all the baggage. My reality right now is kind of hard, so the fantasies keep me going, but I know in the end they distract me from making things better and doing what I should do.
I imagine that this too shall pass. Maybe it is a mid life crisis.
1) If there's one place you're allowed to bitch and whine and cry and emote, it should be your journal. I think you told me something very similar, several times over.
2) You may need to step away from heavily constricted versions of primal for a while. It may be too much for your psyche to hafta worry about how much protein or fat you've gotten that day on top of all your other problems.
3) If you need to pull into another world to hlep deal with this one, that's what it's there for. That's not to say let it replace this one, but use it as a form of stress relief.
4) This may be a time when [God/ Universe/ Fate] is showing you just how strong you are by poking at all your weaknesses. I know that sounds strange, but I honestly believe that's what happened with me these past 6 months. You'll come out stronger on the other side of this madness. You don't hafta go through the madness alone, though. We're here, and I'm reasonably certain there are binge eating support groups on the net, if not locally.
[QUOTE=Pebbles67;1018309]I am just feeling as if nothing in my life will change for the better if I can't even change myself. How can I save my marriage, keep my son from commiting suicide, improve our financial situation, teach my students about being successful in life etc. if in the end all I am is an addict with delusions of grandeur.[/QUOTE]
One thing that I take from is, that can be hard to accept, but you should know, this is not all one you. In all of these things, you are not the only person who is responsible for improving the situation. Your husband is involved in the first three things, and there are other teachers, mentors, and figures in your students lives that will impact their success as well. It can feel like it's a burden that falls entirely on you, but remember that is the depression/mood/funk talking, and not the truth of the matter. You have us, and I hope others in your everyday life that you can lean on. Just remember to lean.