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  • #16
    My mom and I used to have a rough relationship that is very strong now.

    From the time I was teen, until my late 20's, I would describe my relationship with my mother as hot and cold. She's got a mercurial temper, and often took it out on me. I suffered some physical abuse, and a lot of mental abuse. My mother is also an alcoholic, and when she drank was often when it was at its worst. She takes offense when no offense was intended and when no offense would be taken by a normal person. If I didn't call her for one day over some red line she made up in her head, she'd refuse to speak to me for weeks. I often would apologize for these imagined slights just to get her to stop holding a grudge. One time I dug in my heels and refused to apologize for something she was angry with me about and we went 6 months without speaking. My dad tried repeatedly to get me to apologize, and I had finally had enough and refused. I waited for my mom to just get over it.

    However, in my 30's this changed. One- my mom started taking Paxil. Her side of the family suffers from some sort of anger issues, and Paxil helps her to control it. She's a much more pleasant person to be around now. And quite frankly, I became a more thoughtful person. I would think ahead and try to do nice things for my mom and always be there for when she needed help. My DH and I went over when they were selling their house and installed the new flooring in their bathroom and kitchen. We helped with heavy work around the house. I called frequently. I left her no reason to get offended. My parents moved a few years ago and now live clear across the country- I live in Alaska and they live in North Carolina. To make up the difference, I developed a habit of calling them every Sunday without fail. It keeps us close and keeps me in my mother's good graces. I also traveled there for Christmas last year. I would definitely classify my relationship with my mother as strong now.
    High Weight: 225
    Weight at start of Primal: 189
    Current Weight: 174
    Goal Weight: 130

    Primal Start Date: 11/26/2012

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    • #17
      my mom is a very controlling person with very strong personality and opinions that are both absolute and also always changing. I was yielding to her pressure for most of my life, then eventually we had a big huge quarrel, and she withdrew to the appropriate distance. Since then our relationship was more even and normal, taking interest but without dictatorship.

      Having my daughter really shifted my focus to the mother side of the mother-daughter relationship. My mother was up in arms against me having a child (I know, I know) until the day I delivered, and now the kiddo is her precious littl' girl who can't do nothing wrong. I remember being worried that my child was not reading before kindergarden, and my mom looked at me and said completely seriously: But, Leida, English is such a haaard language...." I picked my jaw from the floor, because gods only know who that woman was and what she did with my mom (let's just say that at that age, she made me read in English... as a second language and quite forcefully)
      My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread57916.html
      When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.

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      • #18
        Hey everyone,

        I'm so sorry to hear that so many of you had rough relationships with your mothers. Did you feel like it affected how you relate to the world, and to people in your life?

        It clicked with me on Friday that one of the reasons I have such commitment issues, and got involved with many neglectful guys, is because I have a really deep-seated fear of someone trying to possess me. I didn't have ownership of anything when I was growing up, and was completely controlled by her. So when I was involved with men who were very committed to me, I would get freaked and run from them, because I felt they were trying own me. The neglectful / unavailable ones were much safer.

        Originally posted by Iron Fireling View Post
        Do you really think most women have tough relationships with their mothers?? I find that kinda sad (as a mother myself). I guess I figured that some people have bad blood with their parents, but not a majority!

        I hope when my kids are grown up they don't think I was terrible!
        It's kind of the cliched thing, isn't it? Nightmare mother / mother-in-law. But it's definitely not always the case. Thinking through my friends, most of them have good relationships with their mothers.

        My sister's relationship with my mother was even worse than mine, and she is being the most amazing mother to her two little kids, so it's definitely a chain that can be broken, if the person is conscious about it.
        "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

        In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

        - Ray Peat

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        • #19
          I get along mostly with my mom. But to do that I had to move across the country. I call her biweekly unless she starts crying and laying on the guilt trip. She did the best she could with what she knew and had. I rarley visit due to monatary reasons but if they didn't exsist would only visit yearly.

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          • #20
            I also had a rough relationship with my mother, which is now very good.

            She was a suicidal alcoholic during the time I was in high school and college. She had been a problem drinker for her whole adult life, but she kept it in check until she spiraled out of control at around that time. I think her drinking was her coping mechanism for her depression, and probably her dissatisfaction with her marriage.

            She was never anything other than loving toward me, but her drinking generally left her passed out on the couch, incoherent, unreliable, and a public embarrassment. When I came home from school one day, I found her in a sobbing mess on the floor, and the only thing she could say was that my father was killed in an accident (p.s. he wasn't, which i later found out, who knows where that came from).

            I started avoiding contact with her as much as possible, because seeing her like that was too painful, even though I simultaneously felt guilty for 'abandoning' her. During a heated fight one time while I was in high school, I told her that it wasn't fair that every day when I came home from school I had to prepare myself to walk into the house to find her dead body, and her response was 'you won't find me, your father will.'

            For years, she was like the walking dead. But magically, she had a crisis (shortly after I told her that she was dead to me, and after I moved out of the house she would never see me again) and decided to detox and go into counseling and AA, and completely transform her life. My relationship with her now is incredibly close.

            One thing I learned from her (which is a big component of AA and Al-Alon) is that you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. There's something so freeing in acknowledging that, and every time I have a struggle in a personal relationship, I remind myself that I can't change other people, I can only communicate to them what I need, how I feel, and set consequences, which I must follow through with.

            With all addicts (and non-addicts as well) this is really the only thing you can do, but it does remind you that you are not completely powerless. You can't control how your mother treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and whether or not you accept continuing to be treated that way.

            Another very important thing that I learned is that it takes two people to create and continue a dysfunctional relationship. As long as Person A is willing to accept the behavior of Person B, Person B's behavior will never change. I think that enabling behavior is just as damaging and counterproductive as the addict's behavior. Because of this, I think both parties have some blame in a continually dysfunctional situation (assuming that both are currently adults).
            Last edited by BestBetter; 08-27-2013, 02:36 PM.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
              I'm so sorry to hear that so many of you had rough relationships with your mothers. Did you feel like it affected how you relate to the world, and to people in your life?
              Only to the point that for years I didn't know how to deal with problems without anger. It took me a long time to learn you don't have to yell and throw crap to make your point. But I wouldn't say it made me afraid to be in other relationships or to pick bad people because of it.
              High Weight: 225
              Weight at start of Primal: 189
              Current Weight: 174
              Goal Weight: 130

              Primal Start Date: 11/26/2012

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              • #22
                Al-Anon.

                When I was a kid my mom was angry, mean and hit us kids often. My dad told us she was an alcoholic. I grew up believing she was. My mom also had a secret affair with the neighbor down the street and when that came out in my 20s it caused a huge stir in my little community. There were ex-communications from church, bans against me visiting other people's houses because it was thought I was a "spy" and all kinds of crap. Al-Anon in my 20s helped me get over all that and put it in the past. I went to Al-Anon every single day for an entire year. I finally realized that she was just a person like anybody else and I wasn't angry anymore and stopped blaming my childhood for how awful my life turned out.

                Nowadays my mom is really happy. She's not an alcoholic and probably never was. She doesn't drink now. She married the man she had an affair with. I'm happy for her. She does a lot of really cool things and she expresses nothing but love and admiration for me and for most people she meets. I think she in some ways lives the exciting life she never had through my adventures and in another way she's living the exiting life I always dreamt I might have someday.
                Female, 5'3", 50, Max squat: 202.5lbs. Max deadlift: 225 x 3.

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                • #23
                  My condolences on having such a rotten, abusive, mother. Mine wasn't that bad, but she did have her own psychological issues, and they did spill over into how she parented me.

                  It is difficult to disentangle oneself from this kind of mess. I doubt she will be able to reciprocate your attempts to develop a healthier adult relationship until she admits how her behavior hurt you. But then I'm not a psychologist.

                  Is there anyone you can go to for some professional counseling? Or a religious figure? Or something? Sometimes it really helps to get an outside opinion.

                  If not, perhaps this website might be helpful: Consumer information about Clinical Psychology : Psychotherapy, Therapy, Counseling, Mental Health | Clinical Psychology | A Guide to Psychology and its Practice
                  This guy also maintains a companion website that is religiously inclined, but the link above takes you to the plain ordinary psychology site. It really helped me a lot.

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                  • #24
                    Yoga, seems to me your relationship with your mother is a clash of characters type of thing. You seem to be such a happy and positive person and your mom appears to be the polar opposite. Sorry to hear that things are rough between the two of you.

                    My mother was never an alcoholic. That doesn't mean she wasn't a bitch ever so often. I was constantly criticized growing up, my clothes were never clean enough, my room was always messy, I was too unskilled to do any craft type of thing, I was too heavy for my age, I was eating too much, I wasn't graceful enough to dance or be good at sports, I was not the straight A student (but pretty damn close to it) etc. etc. And WTH evil deed a five, six, seven or ten year old girl can possibly do to deserve being forcefully slapped in the face so flashes appear before her eyes?
                    Mainly because of all that I'm still dealing with many insecurities today, but it is what it is

                    I think it's a good thing that we now live far apart. We communicate via phone or computer maybe twice a month or so, but it's usually brief and about mundane stuff. Never had and still never have have any in-depth discussions.

                    My dad though is the most kind and genuine person I know

                    But, Leida, English is such a haaard language...." I picked my jaw from the floor, because gods only know who that woman was and what she did with my mom (let's just say that at that age, she made me read in English... as a second language and quite forcefully
                    Leida, that sounds harsh, but your English is flawless from what I can tell. I always wanted to tell you that and this finally looks like a good place to do so

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                      Hey everyone,

                      I'm so sorry to hear that so many of you had rough relationships with your mothers. Did you feel like it affected how you relate to the world, and to people in your life?

                      It clicked with me on Friday that one of the reasons I have such commitment issues, and got involved with many neglectful guys, is because I have a really deep-seated fear of someone trying to possess me. I didn't have ownership of anything when I was growing up, and was completely controlled by her. So when I was involved with men who were very committed to me, I would get freaked and run from them, because I felt they were trying own me. The neglectful / unavailable ones were much safer.
                      Of course it did, but so did other parts of my growing years. I've tried to attribute specific causes to affects. From my mother I have a deep distrust of people, from other parts of my life I really like people. As a result, while I have a lot of acquaintances I have no really close friends as I used to in primary and secondary school. When I married I simply made a decision to trust my husband. I had to trust someone. We immediately moved 1/2 the world away from both sets of parents. That worked, he is trustworthy and we've been married 54 years.

                      In addition, or complimenting the distrust, I was diagnosed with PTSD at 14. That's been gone a long time but there is a left-over "hyper-vigilant syndrome". It's rarely triggered but when it is I become mentally confused and have difficulty sorting signals. Generally I just leave the situation, whatever it is. This type of situation involves hidden control. I'm quite OK with direct controls, open and above-board. But hidden, underground, underhanded, sneaky, persuasive controlling is unacceptable to me. Maybe in those situations I can't figure out what to trust or believe.

                      From observing my great-grandmother, grandmother, mother, myself, and my daughter I now think that we are a line of very strong-willed women. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I've never been aware of my own attempts to control until my husband points them out. Then I see that he's right. At the same time, over the years, I've developed an abhorrence of my own or societies attempts at control of others, and a strong belief in individual freedom. I realize that these qualities conflict. I made every effort to never be or show anger to our children and to give them every possible freedom. That worked out well. Of course we made other mistakes.

                      Committed is very different from Controlling. One person can try to control another person or situation. Commitment is to the marriage, not to a person. Relationships change. 'In love' doesn't last. Love grows slowly, deeply and over a long time. For many it is better to be friends (and equals) first.

                      Our daughter is the only one of the line that was never an alcoholic. Except for my mother the others all recovered. Our daughter has always been a tee-totaller. I tend to think she would now be different and improved if she had done some drinking and recovered. I also think there's a personality type that's pre-loaded for alcohol.
                      Last edited by Cryptocode; 08-28-2013, 03:58 PM.
                      "When the search for truth is confused with political advocacy, the pursuit of knowledge is reduced to the quest for power." - Alston Chase

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                      • #26
                        My mother? Yeah, I'll tell you about my mother... <greases Holden>

                        (Sorry, was reminded of the Voight-Kampf scene with Leon from Blade Runner)

                        To whit, mine was also terrible and abusive (physically, mentally), a fact that coloured my life until I decided to move out and become my own person. My life has improved immeasurably since. Around 2003, 2004, I started to suspect she had legitimate mental issues, of the sort a doctor needs to address. Unfortunately that didn't go over well with anyone and I became the family crook. It's spiraled out since, and she now suffers from periodic blackouts and forgets why she is where she is. This brings me no suffering, and I haven't spoken to or seen her since flying the coop a couple years ago.

                        M.

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