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How do you know if you should break up with someone?

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  • How do you know if you should break up with someone?

    Yet another relationship advice thread...

    So I've been with my bf for five years. We've been living together for the past 4 years. The relationship started falling apart when we moved in together because he became really controlling. He doesn't like it when I got out without him, and I feel like I need to ask his permission to go out with friends. He also treats me like a maid at times. When we first started dating, I'd go over to his place and cook (because I like cooking), and I'd sometimes also clean shit for him (cuz I'm nice like that). I don't really mind cooking and cleaning, but I don't like it when the man expects me to do those things.

    I'm also from CA, and I currently live on the East Coast. I hate it here. Really. Hate it. I want to move back home where all of my college buddies are. The fact that most of my close friends here on the East Coast have moved away over the past year also doesn't help.

    My bf and I have been living in this apartment for the past 4 years, but we have to move out by the end of September. So we've been looking for a new place to move to, but, in the mean time, I have been thinking about moving back to the CA. After much agonizing, I decided that I wanted to move. And the time to move is next month since it doesn't make sense to move into a new apartment if I'm going to be moving back to the CA soon.

    So this past Saturday, I told my bf that I wanted to move back to CA. I expected (and my friend who also knows him also expected) him to start belittling my decision, to try to argue against it, and whatnot. But he didn't really. He said, "it's okay, I understand." As soon as he said that, I started to cry. I cried a lot, and it was really sad. It was really really sad. And it hurt a lot. And I wanted the pain to stop so I started thinking about whether it would be possible to fix our relationship.

    I started questioning everything. Maybe I don't really want to leave him. Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I don't need to move back to CA. Maybe I could negotiate something with him...You know, maybe, if I had a job that allowed it, I could go back to CA 3 weeks out of the year (possibly spread out over 4 trips) by myself so I can still see my friends. Maybe that would be enough? I don't know. But a part of me obviously still wants to move back and still thinks that it's the right choice.

    I also don't know if it's possible to fix our relationship. In general, is it possible for a person to change within the context of a relationship? We would have to go to couple's therapy because we don't communicate very well on our own. He's not really into communication, and, as a result, we have never really communicated much so now, my communication skills, as far as he's concerned, have atrophied. And I can't begin to communicate with him either. So we'd need help. We tried therapy once in the past, but it didn't work cuz the therapist sucked. If we're going to do it again, I'd have to find a good therapist.

    But I don't even know if it can be fixed or if it's worth fixing. But it just hurts so much. It's so sad, and, sometimes, I can't believe that I'm leaving him. But other times, it seems like the right thing to do. Other times, it seems like I should have left 4 years ago.

    So...what should I do?

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  • #2
    If there is doubt, there is no doubt.

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    • #3
      Diene, you haven't said what you like about him. That is a red flag. Personally I have a very low threshold for being controlled, as soon as I sense that in someone I'm out of there, so my opinion may be a little biased.
      Life is death. We all take turns. It's sacred to eat during our turn and be eaten when our turn is over. RichMahogany.

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      • #4
        breakups are sad. most people do have good points as well as bad and unless someones a total prat they have likeable bits and no doubt you have some good memories too - but if you are here,asking this, then i would imagine you really know in your heart it should be over.
        is this what you want forever? if not get it over and done with and move on; painful i know but better for both of you in the long run. keep in mind you've had 5 years to fix this - if it was really worth it you'd have done it
        good luck in whatever you choose to do
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        27th July 2013. weight after 100 days 136.9 weight lost 101.2lb ; that's 105.6lbs since I stopped the 'diabetic eating for health'
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        • #5
          It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be sad about the relationship ending. That doesn't mean that it's the wrong decision for you. A good decision is not necessarily an easy one.

          I did not need to read past the first couple of paragraphs, but I did anyway. If I was in your shoes, I would break it off and move away.

          I can't really say if it's something that seems worth fixing to me without context about what you DO like about the relationship, but the fact that you left that out says to me it's not worth it.
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          • #6
            It seems like an easy, non-drama way to end the relationship. Move to California.

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            • #7
              Can't you break up with him without moving across the country though? You don't think that maybe you miss it and want to go back exactly because you are unhappy in your relationship now?

              That you are citing "being with your college buddies" as the reason to move back makes me think that's likely- idealizing past experience and shit, it's a tendency that distorts and alters memory to emphasize the good and forget the bad.

              Also, college people move on; none of them are the same people- some of them are grown-ups now with boring-ass tedious grown-up lives, some of them will be all burned out and shit and losery and weird. You aren't going to just drop back into your happier memories of the past like.
              "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

              Jack london, "Before Adam"

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
                Can't you break up with him without moving across the country though? You don't think that maybe you miss it and want to go back exactly because you are unhappy in your relationship now?

                That you are citing "being with your college buddies" as the reason to move back makes me think that's likely- idealizing past experience and shit, it's a tendency that distorts and alters memory to emphasize the good and forget the bad.

                Also, college people move on; none of them are the same people- some of them are grown-ups now with boring-ass tedious grown-up lives, some of them will be all burned out and shit and losery and weird. You aren't going to just drop back into your happier memories of the past like.
                You make it sound like I haven't stayed in touch with said college buddies. When I'm there, it really does feel like I've never left.

                And I've wanted to move back as soon as I moved here, before I met my bf. Breaking up and staying here would be like the worst of both worlds. Why on earth would I want to stay here alone?

                You have no idea how much I detest this place. The people are annoying, the weather sucks, and the streets are dirty.

                Sent from my LG-VM696 using Marks Daily Apple Forum mobile app

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                • #9
                  haha ok then.
                  "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                  Jack london, "Before Adam"

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by diene View Post
                    You make it sound like I haven't stayed in touch with said college buddies. When I'm there, it really does feel like I've never left.

                    And I've wanted to move back as soon as I moved here, before I met my bf. Breaking up and staying here would be like the worst of both worlds. Why on earth would I want to stay here alone?

                    You have no idea how much I detest this place. The people are annoying, the weather sucks, and the streets are dirty.

                    Sent from my LG-VM696 using Marks Daily Apple Forum mobile app
                    Where do you live?

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                    • #11
                      I was going to guess NJ... lol
                      "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                      Jack london, "Before Adam"

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                      • #12
                        Sounds like Memphis to me =P

                        Coincidentally, I'm also from Cali and am hoping to get back there soon.

                        EDIT: Missed the "Northeast" part, not that I was being serious anyway--just like to bash Memphis whenever I get the chance.
                        Last edited by Cyborcat; 08-19-2013, 11:02 AM.
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                        • #13
                          She just keeps saying, "the northeast." Massachusetts is probably real east-coast post-urban slum-sprawl like NJ though.
                          "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                          Jack london, "Before Adam"

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                          • #14
                            I was going to read your post a second time, and kind of respond to each part, but instead, I think it's better to just respond to what stuck with me lol.

                            I'm a male, so this is the male perspective I suppose.

                            When you said you're going to move, and he was like, Okay, I understand. That's a technique. I've seen it from other male friends, and it works surprisingly well. I've not used it because I haven't been in the same situation. But, as I said, I've seen it from a few others. Either the female gets sad (as you've done) or gets very, very angry.

                            As a result, I wouldn't put any stock (if I were you) in your reaction to HIS reaction. You knew what you wanted, stick with it.

                            Secondly, if you feel like a maid, and you've said something about it, and he's STILL not helped out, then be gone. You're not a maid. Think about how much he's disrespecting you. Sure, he may be lazy. But, many of us males who respect our woman, never put our lady in a position to feel like a maid. It's disrespectful. You can be disrespected by anyone...it's best to find someone who DOESN'T disrespect you if you're going to spend your life with them.

                            The controlling aspect...this sounds of insecurity on his part. My lady and I are honest about wherever we go, and trust each other.

                            On the flip side, my lady and I do a LOT of things together. Some couples are not like that, and I can respect that. Do you go out a lot without him? If so, are you in social situations? This is something that, as I said, couples can do together. He sounds insecure, but at the same time, you may want to get out to literally get away from him.

                            My alone time as a man has nothing to do with not wanting to be around specific people. I get alone time mostly because I like to think about stupid crap on my own, and frankly talk to myself out loud if I want. It's healthy, IMO.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by not on the rug View Post
                              Where do you live?
                              Lol, I think you've asked me before in a different thread--the one where I talked about how I'm an idiot who doesn't pay attention to her surroundings so people have tried to mug me twice.

                              Originally posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
                              I was going to guess NJ... lol
                              Originally posted by Cyborcat View Post
                              Sounds like Memphis to me =P

                              Coincidentally, I'm also from Cali and am hoping to get back there soon.

                              EDIT: Missed the "Northeast" part, not that I was being serious anyway--just like to bash Memphis whenever I get the chance.
                              Never been to Memphis, but I probably won't like it. I don't actually like that many places outside of CA. Austin, TX is the only other place I can think of that I kinda liked, and some places in Washington and Oregon (but the Pacific Northwest is kinda similar to Northern CA).

                              But NJ is close--I'm in Philly. So it's only slightly better than Jersey, I think.

                              Originally posted by jackaaron View Post
                              When you said you're going to move, and he was like, Okay, I understand. That's a technique. I've seen it from other male friends, and it works surprisingly well. I've not used it because I haven't been in the same situation. But, as I said, I've seen it from a few others. Either the female gets sad (as you've done) or gets very, very angry.
                              So what is this technique meant to accomplish? I think the female would only get very angry if she wanted him to try to persuade her otherwise, but the fact that he didn't made her angry. I was expecting him to argue or say something else that would piss me off. I guess I was kinda hoping that he would do something to piss me off so it would strengthen my resolve. But him being understanding and all just made me sad...


                              Originally posted by jackaaron View Post
                              The controlling aspect...this sounds of insecurity on his part. My lady and I are honest about wherever we go, and trust each other.

                              On the flip side, my lady and I do a LOT of things together. Some couples are not like that, and I can respect that. Do you go out a lot without him? If so, are you in social situations? This is something that, as I said, couples can do together. He sounds insecure, but at the same time, you may want to get out to literally get away from him.

                              My alone time as a man has nothing to do with not wanting to be around specific people. I get alone time mostly because I like to think about stupid crap on my own, and frankly talk to myself out loud if I want. It's healthy, IMO.
                              I don't go out a lot without him, but there are times when I want to go out without him. This is because the dynamics of things are different when he's there. Him being there makes it hard for me to socialize. Either he doesn't engage with the other people, and then he's bored and wants to leave after five minutes, or he dominates the conversation and no one else can have a conversation.

                              There are also times when I just want to hang out with a close friend alone. So we can talk about things that you talk about when you're alone with a close friend. I don't know if this makes sense, but I think it's pretty normal.

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