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How do you know if you should break up with someone?

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  • #46
    Hey Di,

    Sorry to come into this so late. Firstly - I'm really glad you finally brought things up with him. I know you were nervous about it, so kudos - at least the initial conversation is out of the way.

    It's pretty normal to have doubts once you say the words. I think a lot of people fear making a huge mistake. However, what finally got me out of my long-term relationship was the thought that for a relationship to work, it has to be "good" at least a certain percent of the time. That percent will vary from person to person, but maybe it's worth considering how much happiness in a relationship is enough for you to stay in it?

    Back then my standards were pretty low, so I figured that a relationship had to be happy 50% of the time for it to be worth it, and mine wasn't. Sounds strange, but that little boundary gave me the final push to break up with him.

    Also, many people go into denial about things like this. I think it's cos they can't process it (the perceived rejection?). My ex didn't believe that I had broken up with him until he went on holidays and I moved all his stuff out (I'd been trying to get rid of him for three - four years..!) And I know of a lot of other situations where men / women just don't accept the break up: either by ignoring it, or convincing themselves that the person will come to their senses.

    Good luck... <3

    Btw, I'm still coming to CA, but it will be springtime, so keep it warm for me til I see you there
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    • #47
      Thanks, YB! I guess the percentage of time during which our relationship is good depends on your definition of good. I mean, if you define good as perfect, spectacular, dreamy...then 0%. If it's just good as in not bad, then probably 80%. If good as in above average, then probably 50%. I'm not sure which of these definitions to pick--haha! I've come to the conclusion that romance is something that fades (for me anyway) with time in every relationship and that the thing that will make a long-term relationship work for me is a strong foundation of friendship. The friendship will be there once the romance has faded, and what more can one ask but to spend the rest of one's life with one's best (or, at least, very close) friend? And it is the close friendship that is missing from this relationship, which is why I want to move on.

      Anyway, I feel like even I am in denial about it although I'm the one who wants to break it off. The entire thing still feels surreal to me. And I still constantly want to change my mind.

      My journal

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      • #48
        Originally posted by diene View Post
        Thanks, YB! I guess the percentage of time during which our relationship is good depends on your definition of good. I mean, if you define good as perfect, spectacular, dreamy...then 0%. If it's just good as in not bad, then probably 80%. If good as in above average, then probably 50%. I'm not sure which of these definitions to pick--haha! I've come to the conclusion that romance is something that fades (for me anyway) with time in every relationship and that the thing that will make a long-term relationship work for me is a strong foundation of friendship. The friendship will be there once the romance has faded, and what more can one ask but to spend the rest of one's life with one's best (or, at least, very close) friend? And it is the close friendship that is missing from this relationship, which is why I want to move on.

        Anyway, I feel like even I am in denial about it although I'm the one who wants to break it off. The entire thing still feels surreal to me. And I still constantly want to change my mind.
        I was in a very similar spot a while back. in a strange place, in this type of a relationship for over 4 years, etc, feeling the way you were. I decided to take the plunge and break it off with her, and it was awful at first. i'm not going to lie. but I got out and had an amazing adventure for the next 3 years in that strange city, met a lot of awesome people, and had the time of my life. I met an amazing woman, and this summer made 10 years that we've been together. nobody can tell you what to do in this situation. but if you aren't sure that this is the person for you, then he probably isn't. you only get one shot at life, don't waste it by not being happy

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        • #49
          Originally posted by diene View Post
          I've come to the conclusion that romance is something that fades (for me anyway) with time in every relationship...Anyway, I feel like even I am in denial about it although I'm the one who wants to break it off. The entire thing still feels surreal to me. And I still constantly want to change my mind.
          Ain't that the troof...
          The Champagne of Beards

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          • #50
            I ended my relationship a couple months ago and it was a hard decision as we got along well most of the time. I think that when the sex is good and the attraction is still there then most other issues can be resolved. If the attraction has waned and or the sex isn't satisfying though then it's time to bite the bullet and explore other options.
            http://www.facebook.com/daemonized

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            • #51
              Originally posted by diene View Post
              I've come to the conclusion that romance is something that fades (for me anyway) with time in every relationship
              Dude, I totally agree. In a way I think falling in love is kind of a control thing... most of the time we're falling in love with the idea of who we think this person is, and we grasp to it because we want something in life to be completely secure.

              I think people have got to be really honest with themselves before honest, true love is possible. Most people aren't able to go there, and so they blame their love life for their feelings but really, the relationship is just a manifestation of what's inside them.
              "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

              In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

              - Ray Peat

              Comment


              • #52
                Originally posted by not on the rug View Post
                you only get one shot at life, don't waste it by not being happy
                This is why I've decided to leave. Now, if only I can follow through with my decision.

                Apparently, when you've been in a relationship for a long time, you go through withdrawal when you break up. I haven't even left yet, and I'm already going through withdrawal, which is why I want to change my mind every five seconds. Just want this bad feeling to stop...

                My journal

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                • #53
                  Originally posted by diene View Post
                  Just want this bad feeling to stop...
                  Breakups are hard, but don't underestimate how amazing it feels to leave the wrong relationship. It's like a whole new start to life.

                  You're going to feel like shit for a while, but time does heal all wounds, if you let it. Just imagine in one week's time, feeling better. And imagine yourself in one month's time, feeling better. And in one year's time, feeling even better. Because you will.
                  "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                  In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                  - Ray Peat

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    You know, the problem is that I'm not moving for another month, and I don't think it's possible for me to start to feel better until after I move cuz we're still living together and acting like nothing has changed. So the real withdrawal hasn't even started yet.

                    My journal

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                    • #55
                      I haven't read through all the responses, but on this page it seems like you've decided (for now) to break it off, and I think that's the best decision. Sucks to have to stick out for the next month though.

                      From his "It's okay, I understand" -- I've said this line before, and it was when I was wanting my way out of the relationship, too. But, not reading into his responses and just going by yours, it doesn't seem like you're happy, but you're used to being "comfortable" with him because it's been so long. I'm in a nearly 8-year long relationship, I understand the feeling and went through this similar rollercoaster feeling recently.

                      It does get better. It will probably suck at first, and you'll be sad, but then you'll move on and be better than ever.

                      I agree with Mr Anthony on the first page. If the thought is there ... that's it really.

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                      • #56
                        Originally posted by diene View Post
                        You know, the problem is that I'm not moving for another month, and I don't think it's possible for me to start to feel better until after I move cuz we're still living together and acting like nothing has changed. So the real withdrawal hasn't even started yet.
                        When I broke up with my boyfriend of over 2 1/2 years (in college, lived together for all but first year), well, we knew it was ending in January. I came to that conclusion when our future goals together were not the same. I'm glad it turned out like it did, but it turned into an additional 4-5 months of us living together, friendly, but not really invested in the relationship anymore. It was rough. Neither of us were in a position to move out until the semester was over, so we just toughed it out, but the relationship should have ended at 2 yrs.

                        I would suggest you invest your month in prepping for the move! You clearly have a lot to look forward to . I'm sure you have lots to do! I'm moving in 2 weeks, just down the block, and I have lots of packing & cleaning to do. My husband is away until moving day so I'm orchestrating it on my own.
                        Depression Lies

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                        • #57
                          Thanks, you guys! Yeah, I'm definitely comfortable being with him since it's been so long. And that makes it hard cuz I'm changing everything!

                          And I'm definitely still in denial. It feels so surreal, and I don't think I can start packing yet (that would require me to come out of denial). I don't think I can pack in front of him so I think I'll end up doing all of my packing in two days and take another two days to move all my stuff into the shipping container. I might start going through my stuff and getting rid of some things though.

                          My journal

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                          • #58
                            Just start packing. You'll actually feel better once you do.

                            NZ is breaking up with us. It's disappointing, but once we started packing and planning a new life, it got better.

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                            • #59
                              Originally posted by magnolia1973 View Post
                              It seems like an easy, non-drama way to end the relationship. Move to California.
                              Yup.

                              All change is loss.
                              Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

                              Griff's cholesterol primer
                              5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
                              Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
                              TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
                              bloodorchid is always right

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                              • #60
                                I think you will also be amazed at how light you'll feel once you have accepted it. You'll start to get excited about going back to CA and you'll feel guilty about that excitement, but hold onto the little thrill you get when thinking about going to a place that makes you happy. That will help with the next month and also when you're headed out to start your new life. You don't realize how heavy it is, carrying the load of a relationship that doesn't make you happy, until you're not carrying it any longer.

                                I get sad thinking about hubby moving out, but now I'm also kinda excited about things I can do and plan for when I'm free.

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