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  • #16
    Originally posted by Sambo712 View Post
    I also think that to make this work, the participants must be exceptional communicators, and must be be utterly confident and comfortable with themselves as well as their partners, otherwise things could get ugly.
    Thanks Sambo - I think that's very true. I think total transparency would be crucial to this, and also an openness to allowing the relationship to evolve into something different, if more serious feelings developed, and it looked like the relationship was worth sticking with. I just feel that commitment is forced / expected too soon, and it makes me freeze.

    Originally posted by Betorq View Post
    @Sambo712,

    Agreed. I have followed this thread, at 1st ready to jump & share more of my history. Then upon reconsideration, I shelved what I had written, kinda reluctant to bare such details of myself & my sexual past(though it's nothin I'm ashamed of, it's just very personal stuff, this is a public forum, my avatar foto is real).

    Polyamory is generally complicated for the "normal" modern human. Jealousy can certainly come into play. Not all polyamous or open relationships involved all 3 (or more) participants from sharing the same bed or home, although that certainly is a % of these set-ups. For me, in the past, open relationships meant I dated 2 or 3 people at the same time, was open & honest from the start w/ them all about the others in my life, the basic set up, so that before they got really emotionally involved, they each knew what the offer was. That way there was transparency, they either wanted to proceed getting to know me better, based on my being honest what was on the table. Excellent communication, fun, openess, no demands just boundaries, focussing on fun & getting one's own needs met, exploring love & communication, willing to feel some feelings that might be uncomfortable etc.

    I dated a Polyamory author/expert many years ago in NorCal, where the movement is sorta based. She has excellent books on the subjects of polyamory, jealousy etc.

    All & more can be had from Amazon.com or www.lovewithoutlimits.com:
    Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Dr. Deborah Anapol, 1997
    Polyamory in the 21st: Century Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Dr. Deborah Anapol, July 2010
    Compersion: Meditations on Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love by Dr. Deborah Anapol 2005
    An eBook offers a series of brief, inspirational thoughts on how to transcend jealousy, intended to challenge and restructure common beliefs about the nature of love and relationship.

    I am single, mostly I fly solo the past 3 years and hardly date (by choice), & I do prefer monogamy ( it's simpler), though am not bound to it philosophically. If I were with a partner that wanted monogamy or an open relationship & was honest about that in the begining, I could comfortablyagree/stick to either , with that level of clear communication up-front. I'm flexible.
    Thanks for sharing your experiences Betorq!
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by YogaBare View Post

      Yeah, but what if you want to be in a relationship, but are afraid of commitment? I know that sounds really lame, but I haven't been able to overcome this fear, and I'm sick of not getting involved with people
      YogaBare, it seems to me polyamory would require an even higher level of commitment due to the dedication to constant communication it requires and the delicacy of people's emotions when jealousy or exclusion feelings arise.

      Comment


      • #18
        Currently in an open marriage. It's not quite the "rolling orgy" of my college years, but we were both in poly relationships before we met, so when we got married, it made more sense to continue than try to shoehorn ourselves into monotonogamy.
        Married for 6 years now... occasional girlfriends on both sides.
        Peak weight on Standard American Diet: 316.8 lbs
        Initial Weight When Starting Primal: 275 lbs
        Current weight: 210.8 lbs
        Goal weight: 220 lbs (or less): MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

        The way "ChooseMyPlate.gov" should have looked:
        ChooseMyPlate

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        • #19
          Originally posted by wiltondeportes View Post
          Jealousy? How about growing the hell up and having some self confidence. It's not polyamory's fault if the people trying it out lack self esteem.
          I've known some highly accomplished, intelligent, confident people, mature etc. They still experienced jealousy. Jealousy is not due to not "growing the hell up" nor simply a deficit of self-esteem or confidence.

          We're all human, emotions and emotional responses aren't always controllable, neither willpower nor intellect can consistently control the strongest emotions.

          Jealousy is an especially interesting phenomenon. That book, Compersion, is excellent imo.
          "Science is not belief but the will to find out." ~ Anonymous
          "Culture of the mind must be subservient to the heart." ~ Gandhi
          "The flogging will continue until morale improves." ~ Unknown

          Comment


          • #20
            occasional girlfriends on both sides.
            I'd think that it would be easier to have an open relationship with someone bisexual as it seems like it would yield less jealousy. I mean, if a woman wants a woman on occasion, the guy isn't going to cut it and probably isn't going to feel inferior.

            http://maggiesfeast.wordpress.com/
            Check out my blog. Hope to share lots of great recipes and ideas!

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            • #21
              Originally posted by magnolia1973 View Post
              I'd think that it would be easier to have an open relationship with someone bisexual as it seems like it would yield less jealousy. I mean, if a woman wants a woman on occasion, the guy isn't going to cut it and probably isn't going to feel inferior.
              Generally speaking, yes. I'm not opposed to her having other guys on the side, but she insists she has the one she wants (LOL - talk about low standards!) so she's sticking to women for other relationships.
              Peak weight on Standard American Diet: 316.8 lbs
              Initial Weight When Starting Primal: 275 lbs
              Current weight: 210.8 lbs
              Goal weight: 220 lbs (or less): MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

              The way "ChooseMyPlate.gov" should have looked:
              ChooseMyPlate

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by keithpowers View Post
                Currently in an open marriage. It's not quite the "rolling orgy" of my college years, but we were both in poly relationships before we met, so when we got married, it made more sense to continue than try to shoehorn ourselves into monotonogamy.
                Married for 6 years now... occasional girlfriends on both sides.
                Monotonomgy, ha I love that! Never heard that term before! Keith, you've a fair amount of diverse poly experience, over time. Thanks for sharing.

                Bi-, gay, or hetero, I still contend jealousy can crop up anywhere, from anyone, in the oddest of times. I don't consider myself the jealous-type, quite the opposite.

                Post-university, since my mid 20s, I always took it as a compliment when someone flirted with or propositioned one of my mates. I just figured it meant I had excellent taste in women, & they had excellent taste in choosing to be with me! I don't/can't "own" a gf or a mate not even a wife. Nobody can own me. Jealousy comes from a mistaken sense of ownership, imo. MY gf, MY wife, mine mine mine.
                "Science is not belief but the will to find out." ~ Anonymous
                "Culture of the mind must be subservient to the heart." ~ Gandhi
                "The flogging will continue until morale improves." ~ Unknown

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by moluv View Post
                  YogaBare, it seems to me polyamory would require an even higher level of commitment due to the dedication to constant communication it requires and the delicacy of people's emotions when jealousy or exclusion feelings arise.
                  I think this is accurate. Poly might be useful for certain situations and times, but in the end it sounds a little exhausting.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Doesn't have to be constant communication nor exhausting. Most people I know doing it find it to be energizing, fun & more love. Polyamory means literally "many loves" or "more love". Honest communication is needed, not constant, in my experience & viewing others who do it well & for many years as a lifestyle.
                    "Science is not belief but the will to find out." ~ Anonymous
                    "Culture of the mind must be subservient to the heart." ~ Gandhi
                    "The flogging will continue until morale improves." ~ Unknown

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      I don't have time to read all the posts- but read The Ethical Slut. (Actually, there's stuff in that book that could be useful for any style of romantic relationship)

                      The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures: Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: 9781587613371: Amazon.com: Books
                      http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

                      Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

                      And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by moluv View Post
                        YogaBare, it seems to me polyamory would require an even higher level of commitment due to the dedication to constant communication it requires and the delicacy of people's emotions when jealousy or exclusion feelings arise.
                        But in this, the commitment is to yourself. You are committing to being completely honest and transparent, sensitive to another person's feelings, and to challenging yourself. There's also a sense of giving up control. Idk, but those are all qualities that I want to develop further, and to know myself better. I find the whole idea really liberating.

                        Sure it would be extremely challenging... but aren't relationships like that anyway?
                        "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                        In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                        - Ray Peat

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Polyamory in practice on a societal level would not be a happy utopia of free love where all the men and all the women got their rocks off whenever and however they wished, like, bonobos or something similar.

                          It would be very much darker, a few high value men hoarding all the pussy with the rest clawing and scratching for rode-worn scraps.

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                          • #28
                            Why? That's like an aggression/dominance model- plenty of women won't like those men. It only plays out like that in animals where the men can just abuse the women; even if man were among such an animal, plenty of rival men will defend the woman for their own mating interests.

                            Plus most of the men have sisters?
                            "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                            Jack london, "Before Adam"

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
                              Why? That's like an aggression/dominance model- plenty of women won't like those men. It only plays out like that in animals where the men can just abuse the women; even if man were among such an animal, plenty of rival men will defend the woman for their own mating interests.

                              Plus most of the men have sisters?
                              You're trying to teach birds how to fly. That's as far as I'll go on this.

                              Polyamory is a contrived hookup service for ugly US boomers.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Legbiter View Post
                                Polyamory in practice on a societal level would not be a happy utopia of free love where all the men and all the women got their rocks off whenever and however they wished, like, bonobos or something similar.

                                It would be very much darker, a few high value men hoarding all the pussy with the rest clawing and scratching for rode-worn scraps.
                                Originally posted by Legbiter View Post
                                You're trying to teach birds how to fly. That's as far as I'll go on this.

                                Polyamory is a contrived hookup service for ugly US boomers.
                                Your posts scare me
                                "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                                In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                                - Ray Peat

                                Comment

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