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Have you ever been "the other woman / man"?

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  • Have you ever been "the other woman / man"?

    Got a psychoanalytical question for y'all

    People repeat patterns in life, and particularly in relationships. Well, does anyone here (either through direct experience, or through observation) understand why some people often end up being the person on the side? For some reason, I've found myself in this situation a few times. I've never actually "done" anything, but from my mid-twenties I've been the recipient of non-single men wanting to get involved with me. It just happened again in the last few weeks - I started going on dates with this guy, and suddenly he announced that he had a girlfriend, but that he had feelings for me Obviously I told him we couldn't see each other any more, but he keeps contacting me.

    When I was a kid my dad used to have affairs and I wonder if somehow this infiltrated my psyche. Or does it stem from a subconscious fear of commitment?

    Or, is this a lot more common than I realise, and people just don't talk about it?!
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  • #2
    It's pretty common. Lots of people are of the disposition to have more open relationships, or multiple relationships at once. It's a personality trait.

    M.

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    • #3
      I also think that it's pretty common. I think I have that personality trait that ME mentioned above. I was especially unscrupulous in my younger days. And, you know what, the men I cheated with often ended up becoming my boyfriends, who, in turn, would be cheated on again as I found another guy on the side. So the same guy would end up playing both roles, just at different times.

      My journal

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      • #4
        I think I must be pretty naive. It's not that I'm against open relationships - quite the contrary. But I can't really understand why someone would be in a relationship with someone they wanted to cheat on...

        Originally posted by diene View Post
        I also think that it's pretty common. I think I have that personality trait that ME mentioned above. I was especially unscrupulous in my younger days. And, you know what, the men I cheated with often ended up becoming my boyfriends, who, in turn, would be cheated on again as I found another guy on the side. So the same guy would end up playing both roles, just at different times.
        LOl. Wildchild!
        "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

        In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

        - Ray Peat

        Comment


        • #5
          A guy that I know cheated with four girlfriends at the same time and none of the woman did know about each other. Everything went pretty well until he crashed his car and went to hospital and the four woman and their families came to visit him at the same time... All hell broke loose, and the nurses had to barricade the doors to save him from far more damage than he got from the car crash! When he tells the story about what happened, he says that he lost four women by that car crash…
          "All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

          - Schopenhauer

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Gorbag View Post
            A guy that I know cheated with four girlfriends at the same time and none of the woman did know about each other. Everything went pretty well until he crashed his car and went to hospital and the four woman and their families came to visit him at the same time... All hell broke loose, and the nurses had to barricade the doors to save him from far more damage than he got from the car crash! When he tells the story about what happened, he says that he lost four women by that car crash…
            Lol! That's hilarious! Not sure how he had enough time to juggle four women.

            My journal

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            • #7
              Maybe single people who want to meet and date, exude an openness that people who are attached, (but wishing to be sowing their oats) find attractive. Maybe in your interest to find a datable person, you miss some of the cues that they are attached and have a wandering eye that's landed on you. Do you think you dismiss these cues as just cautiousness on their part or shyness?

              And I do think it's fairly common; probably many don't talk about it because we fear someone will ask "what did you do to bring that attention on yourself"? Which is often absurd.
              Last edited by spk; 08-15-2013, 12:44 PM.

              “you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop.” Wavy Gravy

              Today I am Fillyjonk. Tommorow I will be Snufkin.

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              • #8
                No one is going to mention any kind of alpha-female status-dominance conquest mindset genetic predisposition? Woman is a wicked and shameless sorceress under her dress, right?
                "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                Jack london, "Before Adam"

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                • #9
                  Do you go after what you want or do you you wait around for someone who wants you? I think a lot of women do this. I won't get into whether this is nature or nuture -- I think it's a bit of both.

                  So besides asking yourself if your committment-phobic, I think you should ask yourself if you'd be comfortable being the pursuer rather thant the pursued.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by spk View Post
                    Maybe single people who want to meet and date, exude an openness that people who are attached, (but wishing to be sowing their oats) find attractive. Maybe in your interest to find a datable person, you miss some of the cues that they are attached and have a wandering eye that's landed on you. Do you think you dismiss these cues as just cautiousness on their part or shyness?

                    And I do think it's fairly common; probably many don't talk about it because we fear someone will ask "what did you do to bring that attention on yourself"? Which is often absurd.
                    I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure I'm that open. And it happened a few times even when I was in relationships. One time it was my dad's friend who was hitting on me So yeah, definitely knew he was attached!

                    Originally posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
                    No one is going to mention any kind of alpha-female status-dominance conquest mindset genetic predisposition? Woman is a wicked and shameless sorceress under her dress, right?
                    LOL - honestly, that's definitely not me. I hate the thought of dominating someone - I want equality.

                    Originally posted by Rojo View Post
                    Do you go after what you want or do you you wait around for someone who wants you? I think a lot of women do this. I won't get into whether this is nature or nuture -- I think it's a bit of both.

                    So besides asking yourself if your committment-phobic, I think you should ask yourself if you'd be comfortable being the pursuer rather thant the pursued.
                    Actually, doing some pursuing doesn't bother me. I think of it as communicating. If I like someone I don't like to play games. Plus men I've dated have told me before that I really unnerved them initially, so I know I need to make an effort to show them I'm interested.
                    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                    - Ray Peat

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      No, not really. I have very laid back, playful personality and I openly confess to having initiated things in the past, but I've never actually crossed the line.
                      I just can't decide whether it was due to morality reasons, or simply because I haven't met anyone worth the trouble. How's that for an honest answer?
                      Last edited by Graycat; 08-15-2013, 02:31 PM.

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                      • #12
                        I have a friend like this; she is constantly getting involved with unavailable men. Personally I think she had commitment issues. It is definitely foreign to me; I have only once gone out with someone who admitted on the date he had a girlfriend. As soon as he said that I was out of there though.

                        My friend is pretty shy and very coy when she first meets people. I think part of why she attracts attached guys is that she expects everyone to be as closed as she is at first so it didn't strike her as odd when someone is less than upfront with her.

                        I have talked with her endlessly about this stuff and I can't really figure it out. Even now she is dating a guy that is truly single, except that his job is the real love of his life and he works at least 90 hours a week and often sleeps at his office. So, basically he is still unavailable.


                        Sent from my Nexus 4 using Marks Daily Apple Forum mobile app

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                        • #13
                          I've done both. And it's a choice because we are human, but our brains, DNA, hormones (and evidence in the field of human history) says otherwise:

                          Are Humans Meant to Be Monogamous? LiveScience
                          
www.livescience.com/32146-are-humans-meant-to-be-monogamous.html‎

                          Sep 6, 2012 - Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds , with ...


                          Monogamy in Mammals www.reed.edu/biology/professors/srenn/pages/teaching/.../index.html‎ Approximately only 3-5% percent of mammals are considered monogamous ... is adaptive for the rare percentage of monogamous animals
                          "Science is not belief but the will to find out." ~ Anonymous
                          "Culture of the mind must be subservient to the heart." ~ Gandhi
                          "The flogging will continue until morale improves." ~ Unknown

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                          • #14
                            Speaking as a married man... having a "girlfriend" don't count for much in my book, unless she's a live in. Did you ever get to find out if it was a committed relationship sorta serious thing or what? I dunno.... In my wild days I've been the guy on the side plenty a time.

                            As to monogamy... I am happily monogamous. Sowed lots of oats and didn't get tied down till near my thirties. We have brains and its a decision. If you wanna cheat you will... If you made a commitment and want to keep it you will. I've always known that once I did finally settle down my choice would be the latter.
                            Last edited by Neckhammer; 08-15-2013, 04:03 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                              Well, does anyone here (either through direct experience, or through observation) understand why some people often end up being the person on the side?
                              No.

                              Not trying to insult you here, but is it possible that in the world of the Fraggles, do you see something of yourself in wembly? What I mean is, you seem fun and energetic, but also a little naive and biddable?

                              That might be what opportunistic married men might be thinking about you.
                              Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

                              Griff's cholesterol primer
                              5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
                              Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
                              TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
                              bloodorchid is always right

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