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q re: OT personal, embarassing matter

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  • q re: OT personal, embarassing matter

    I bring this humiliating matter here because I can't bring myself to ask anyone I actually know. I bring this here knowing I'm exposing myself to a world of abuse but honestly, no one will probably tell me anything I haven't already told myself.

    I've had (or attempted) sexual relations with five men in the last five years. Three of them were sexually dysfunctional to the point of normal intercourse being impossible. That's 60% of the men I try to have sex with being unable to achieve or maintain an erection or unable to ejaculate via intercourse. Is that a normal rate or do I need to face the possibility that it's me?

    They were all between 35-45 years old, if that matters.

    Self-assessment of my sexual desirability: I'm no Kate Upton but I'm not fugly. I have little trouble finding a partner when I want one and the feedback is that I'm "attractive"*, but it just goes downhill once the clothes come off. A significant weight gain followed by significant weight loss wrecked my boobs and I'm very self-conscious about that. This was very rarely a problem before the weight gain but I was having sex with younger men then.

    I'd love to believe it's a combination of bad luck and the aging of my pool of available sexual partners, but I can't avoid the evidence in front of my face. 60% of men are physically incapable of doing me.

    Feedback? I'd ask you to be honest but sensitive, but I get that this is the internet and accept that I'm chumming the waters.

    *I use this word because this is the word men most often use to describe my appearance to me. For all I know "attractive" is code for "you're fugly but I don't have anything else to do right now."
    Last edited by Violette_R; 05-11-2013, 02:10 PM.

  • #2


    • #3
      I agree with eKatherine.

      Advice: go Italian. I've yet to meet one from ages 25 to 67 who couldn't get the job done. LOL. Maybe not always with a lot of skill, but all the parts work.

      (I'm of Sicilian descent, but that is still just an observation.)
      "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine


      Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.


      • #4
        Originally posted by Violette_R View Post
        I have little trouble finding a partner when I want one and the feedback is that I'm "attractive"*, but it just goes downhill once the clothes come off. A significant weight gain followed by significant weight loss wrecked my boobs and I'm very self-conscious about that.
        I had the same thing happen to me (not multiple times, but that's just luck of the draw) because a guy I dated was used to women who just plain had incredibly hot bodies. He was totally dating out of his league with them, and he was miserable because their personalities weren't quite so "pretty", but that's just what he was used to seeing.

        I look pretty decent when I'm clothed, but I have two grown sons, and one of them LITERALLY drank 12oz of milk at a time when he was a month old. I have B cups and nursed, so you can see how much damage that would cause. I'm not disfigured or anything, but no one is going to confuse me with a 20-something in a wet t-shirt contest, if you catch my drift.

        He really tried to make it work (either way you look at it) but it wasn't happening. I decided to quit the relationship because I need someone who really wants me. I feel like I owe myself that.

        I broke up with him, and later met The Boyfriend (who is actually 6 years older than the other guy). He is happy with how I look, even finding me attractive after a couple of head injuries threw about 30 pounds onto my belly.

        Long story short, you just had an incredible string of bad luck. Unless you're hanging out at bodybuilding competitions, most men are WAY less concerned about a woman having a perfect body.


        • #5
          I think you've had bad luck. Any dude who seriously wants to get laid will do it, barring mechanical/health issues with himself. My partner played the pool quite a bit in high school and the basic rules are "is conscious, has consented, has boobs & vagina. Go."

          And when I say "has boobs", it really doesn't matter what type.
          Depression Lies


          • #6
            To my understanding, a lot of erectile dysfunction issues are rooted in subconscious mental problems...anxiety, self esteem troubles, etc. It could very well be that you're drawn to these types of men on a subconscious level as well, and that's why 3 of your last 5 mates have had performance problems.

            If a guy's at the point where he wants to get naked with you, he's already consciously made the decision. Every guy I know that I've talked about sex and relationships with has said they know fairly accurately what a woman's undressed form will look like well before they ever see her naked. Perfect or (likely) not, if they get to the point of having sex with you, they aren't fazed by the prospect of a pair of less-than-stellar breasts.

            Do you have a specific 'type' of man that you tend to gravitate towards when choosing a mate? If so, try something new - go for the one you may not have considered before. I certainly agree with the others, though - it's not at all because there's anything wrong with you if these men have been interested enough to progress the relationship to the point of wanting to sleep with you.


            • #7
              Mmm. I am thinking either total co-incidence or something you are doing or saying that is making them feel insecure/off. If you are seemingly uncomfortable/shy/nervous/whatever, it could psych them out. Not looks, I don't think that would make a difference at all. confidence building would help a lot I think. But what do I know?
              Started Primal June 2012 at 148.5lbs, and 5' 1", reached goal weight in 5 months.
              Lowest weight 93lbs - too thin. Now stable at around 100lbs much better weight for me at my age.
              Primal, minus eggs, dairy and a myriad of other allergens.


              • #8
                Impossible to tell what it is: issues with the men's physiologically, or psychologically; lack of chemistry; what?

                A lot of men today are in such pisspoor CV shape that it wouldn't surprise me that ED issues that might arise in their 60s, 70s, or later would come up (so to speak) earlier these days.

                But sexual intimacy involves myriad factors of subjectiveness, not only what we think of as attractiveness, but responses to overtures, perception of enjoyment of the partner, etc. It's just impossible to diagnose in this forum.

                One piece of advice. Men find women who have confidence about themselves sexually attractive. Not any form of snobbishness or superciliousness, but rather the open expression of sexual enjoyment. If a dude thinks you're into him, he will respond. Don't know if that's what's going on here, and I do believe much of this could be physiological per the above. Unhealthy lovers can't get it up.


                • #9
                  Firstly, "60%" makes it sound a lot worse than it is. I know it's statistically correct, but how about using that sentence with "three guys" instead of "60% of ..."? I bet a lot of women have had three men not being able to get it up. You're being unnecessarily negative and hard on yourself.

                  Secondly, sometimes men can't get it up cos they're actually very intimidated by the woman they're with. I know quite a few cases where this has happened, and the woman has been beautiful. Even if you were "fugly" (which I doubt you are) I don;t think it would stop a horny guy from wanting to have sex.

                  Thirdly, once you strip off, do you change your behaviour? Do you suddenly get awkward, or ashamed of yourself? Low self esteem is a big mood killer for men and women.

                  Fourthly, and this is a bit deep: you could be subconsciously attracting partners who have these issues, because they will reflect what you believe about yourself back to you.

                  Work on your self esteem and I bet it will stop happening.
                  "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                  In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                  - Ray Peat


                  • #10
                    It's also possible that guys with physiological issues are attracted to you because they might see you as non-threatening and nurturing, as though that would help.


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Finnegans Wake View Post
                      A lot of men today are in such pisspoor CV shape that it wouldn't surprise me that ED issues that might arise in their 60s, 70s, or later would come up (so to speak) earlier these days. Unhealthy lovers can't get it up.
                      I think this might have a lot to do with it. Plus all the medical conditions are then medicated which doesn't help any. I know guys younger than me that are on half a dozen different meds for cholesterol, blood pressure, blood thinners, etc. All of that has side effects.

                      Go join a Crossfit box and find yourself a healthy one.


                      • #12
                        it's because of this:

                        Make America Great Again


                        • #13
                          We all have needs, but I suggest a round of "hard to get". I too believe you have been having a bit a bad luck, and possibly attracting the wrong type of guy.

                          Consider this a dry spell, and relax about having sex.


                          • #14
                            Did you ask if they were low carbing? I bet they were low carbing.


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Derpamix View Post
                              it's because of this:

                              lol... TOTALLY!