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  • Hitting your kids

    Interestingly enough I was thinking about posting this issue last night, before reading that Gentle Parents thread...

    so let's have at it.

    Who got hit growing up and how?

    People who were hit by their parents: were you also hit by other children? Did you make a distinction between the two forms of force?
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

  • #2
    Got hit

    Oh, yeah I got hit. I was a kid in the 60s and you were considered a bad parent if you didn't spank. My Dad had rules, though. He never hit us more than three times and never in anger. Most often we got 3 swats with a leather belt. The anger rule was really more for my Mom who would have hit us out of anger. There were times I wished I could get a spanking instead of having to stand still listening to his never ending drunken lectures. I never got a spanking that I didn't deserve, my Dad was always fair, always listened to us, and never beat us. It wasn't damaging for me to get spanked. I don't have nightmares, resentment or anger over it and I grew up to be a pretty gentle person.

    My Dad was very serious about no one else touching us. My sister got a spanking at school once and Dad threw a fit, because they did not have his permission to do it. She probably deserved whatever punishment she got, but my Dad was adamant that as the parent that was his decision to make.

    I did't get beat up by anyone except my older sister and that were much worse than the spankings. I never knew when it was coming and my parents never stuck up for me. Oh, she would get some slap on the wrist if they believed me over her, but nothing more. I felt powerless in that relationship. I don't talk to her anymore, because she is still a bully 40-some years later, although now I would win any physical altercation with her every time, well, any altercation I win. She just isn't worth the trouble anymore.


    I spanked my kids, too. Actually, you really couldn't call it a spanking. It was more of a loud pop on their behinds to get their attention when they were going to do something dangerous like stick a fork in a socket (DS was 3 and that was the last time I remember doing it). It was a very rare occurrence, so they paid attention. I never hit hard enough to hurt them. The shock of it got their attention and let them know how serious I was. Mostly, I figured I was the adult in the relationship and if I wasn't smart enough to figure out how to raise kids without violence, then maybe I shouldn't be raising kids. My parents were not happy about it and I often heard I should spank DS for doing whatever it was he was doing.


    My own son got a spanking in school once when in the 7th grade. When the principle called me to tell me, I asked him why he didn't call me first. He actually said he did not call, because he knew I would probably not support his decision to spank my son. I told him he was right and hung up. I just couldn't believe it. When I told DH, we had to physically stop him from driving to the school to beat up the principle. He did call the principle to give him a piece of his mind. DH is a psychologist, so I am sure the principle felt pretty small when he got off the phone.

    I was astounded to find out that in my state, Indiana, schools can spank. If a parent does not want them to spank her child, she has to have a letter put in the child's file stating this. I talked to the superintendent, told him a letter would be in my son's file the next day and he was on warning that if another adult touched my son I would sue. To make a point, we also put letters in our DD's files even though they were both in High School.

    The thing is, the principle lost in that encounter. DS lost any respect he had for the man, and he had very little respect for him already. The principle simply showed DS how little power he actually had in the situation. Normally the assistant principle was in charge of discipline and he was great. DS respected him and liked him. He was very effective, because he treated the kids with respect and consideration. He talked to them and listened to them. The AP went to a conference for a couple of weeks and the gym teacher stepped in. I kind of think he and the principle had a list of boys they thought deserved a spanking and weren't going to miss their chance to give all they spankings they had saved up. DS was "sick" until the AP returned.

    The moral is, if you have kids in school make sure you know what the laws are in your state.

    Comment


    • #3
      Hitting is hitting. Violence is never OK.
      And yes hit, with hands and other objects. BTW its now illegal in NZ to smack your children at all.

      What does it matter who does the hitting? Again violence is never OK.

      Comment


      • #4
        Smacking for putting something in a power socket?
        It is our responsibility as parents to make their environment safe so they can't hurt themselves while they are still too young to understand those kind of consequences.
        There is no need to say no to them every 2 mins, if we make it so they can explore.

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        • #5
          Well, there is a line between making things safe for your child to explore and removing their ability to assess danger / pain. Not talking about hitting a child, but going overboard on making a kid's learning environment completely soft.

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          • #6
            Mr perfidy Sir - yep I was given a couple of hand smacks around the lower leg as a child. Mum had 7 kids, all under 9 years old, so we learn't very young to do as we were told. Not because of the smack - it was more about the order of things. We were always given a warning thou - if you do that again........ We just didn't get our own way and the siblings would also suffer if one put a foot out of line....... ie Dad would pull the car over to the side of the road and wait for any nonsence to finish, and then we would continue our journey. When you have 9 people in a wee Morris Minor, or Hillman Hunter - you just learn pretty quick to toe the line, cos everyone gets pissy at you. However we were smacked for any major misdomeaners. Actually the biggest thing that scared me was the statement - wait till your father gets home !!!!!!!!!
            oh and I remember saying 'bloody' as a 8 year old. Mum of course heard me and I stood while she washed my mouth out with soap. We all knew that that was the consequence - so took the punishment !
            "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

            ...small steps....

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            • #7
              I got spanked, with a belt, when I was growing up. I do not consider it abuse, and I think it did me some good. My parents were strict. I wasn't allowed to go in their bedroom or to use their stuff without permission. I had a set curfew. I would get grounded for breaking rules. I had an allowance- which I had to work for. If I got in trouble at school, I was in more trouble at home. I was taught to say "please" and "thank you" and to open doors for people. I do that to this day. When I got my first job, my parents made it clear that calling in sick wasn't an option and if I did call in sick they would roust me out of bed and make me work (for free) at home. I quickly learned that it was better to go to work and at least get paid for my work. To this day, I almost never miss work. I don't have kids, but I think it's a shame that society frowns on corporal punishment these days. I think it hamstrings parents in an important tool that can help children develop respect. And frankly there are some kids out there that desperately need a whuppin'.
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              • #8
                I got spanked as a child when I REALLY messed up, or was defiant.

                I was never fearful of my parents. I learned respect, and that when they told me something it was for a reason.

                I will spank my children if I need to.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Very interesting.

                  Hitting is hitting. Violence is never OK.
                  What about teaching them to hit, like martial arts instruction? Or a general atmosphere of voluntary rough-housing? Or letting the kids hit you?

                  I encourage my wife to punch on me and don't see how it's the same as say, a drunk beating his 7 year old.

                  And yes hit, with hands and other objects. BTW its now illegal in NZ to smack your children at all.
                  Law is violence.

                  What does it matter who does the hitting? Again violence is never OK.
                  lol don't you feed your kid meat? Did you invite the animal to come marinate itself and get in the pan?
                  "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                  Jack london, "Before Adam"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I never got spanked by my parents because they brainwashed me into thinking it would hurt them so much if I did anything badly enough to warrant a spanking. It worked; I was a good girl.

                    My grandma was from a different school. She would switch the backs of our legs if we did anything wrong. We would, in their words, 'cut up' at grandma's house, because we could, and they had a huge lake by their house that we would always sneak out to, and she would switch us all the way back up the hill to their house, but, on her behalf, she was afraid they'd 'fish us out from the bottom of the lake'!!!

                    Didn't have any kids, just animals, and haven't had to spank them for anything, they been good loves.

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                    • #11
                      This topic has come up before & the thread got REALLY nasty and shut down. Please be really really careful. I hope people will make an effort to be respectful of other people's decisions/choices/experiences, but I doubt that they will.

                      Whether or not you hit a child to enforce a point/behavior, it all comes down to (I think) teaching respect. My fiancÚ's father taught respect through actions and guidance. I think he might've been swatted more than once so that he would know exactly what he was doing to his friends. I remember being spanked a couple of times. The difference is, I was afraid of my father for a while (not until my teen years) because of the voice he would use when we was angry. My fiancÚ respected his parents and chose to be really sneaky about his misbehavior. His father chose to ignore it, that he could learn for himself what would happen (and he did). Respect for the father, respect for the son. My father did not show respect to me. I think even a smart-ass teenager deserves that, or they might not ever think they are ever worthy of respect.
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                      • #12
                        Respect is good and the foundation of my own philosophy of childhood violence. Children though quite regularly and habitually disrespect things to the point of inviting violence. When you do not handle the cat with tender attention, he swats you. People are of course, much crueler and more desperately hateful than cats.
                        "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                        Jack london, "Before Adam"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
                          Respect is good and the foundation of my own philosophy of childhood violence. Children though quite regularly and habitually disrespect things to the point of inviting violence. When you do not handle the cat with tender attention, he swats you. People are of course, much crueler and more desperately hateful than cats.
                          But in regards to people, you can only invite violence if one is taught to believe that violence is a solution, yes? To exaggerate the point you made, an abused cat will not just swipe at an irritating person (child), they will do much worse. The child should not have to experience that much just to learn the point. That would/could be traumatizing. For people, what might take a "swat" to a "beating" from an irritating child? I'm thinking of child-on-child violence, not parent/adult to child. I guess that's a little OT.
                          Depression Lies

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                          • #14
                            Everyone is entitled to their opinion and how they parent their children. This is just another topic that people won't agree on.

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                            • #15
                              Yup, got hit. My mum came from a very disciplinarian background. My older sister got it worse than me, but weirdly my younger brother only got hit once.

                              I would like to think I would never hit my kids because it's completely traumatic if you're hit the way I was... but I prefer to think I won't have kids, ha
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                              In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                              - Ray Peat

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