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Any gentle/attached parents around? Need advice?

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  • Any gentle/attached parents around? Need advice?

    Anyone else follow gentle/attached parenting methods around here?
    Need a bit of guidance about how to deal with my 5 year old who has just started school.
    I only have half the picture right now, as he seems to struggle with explaining what has been happening without adding things he has heard from TV in there. And the teacher is hopeless at explaining everything. I have just written a huge list of things that I have gotten out of my son, that I want clarification on.
    OK so I know we have been guilty of way to much tv, which was cut down to 30 mins each night since school started a week ago. Sadly his show of choice was The Simpsons, and yes I know now, bad parenting right there, he is learning so much garbage off it, so that will def stop.

    We try to talk through everything, we don't use punishments or rewards. But we do have boundaries, and he knows them. But hitting is one thing we are having a problem with. Hitting his brother when he does something to make him angry. We do talk about how you need to express anger with words, and we model that, we don't hit our children. We empathise with him about his frustration, and clarify what it is he needs. The teacher has told me several times over the week he has hit other children and he has been cautioned about keeping hands to himself. He says he doesn't hit though, so its hard. He has no reason to lie. But I need to know from the teacher has this been witnessed or is she being told from another child. He is telling me its the same kid always hitting him. We have not had a problem with lying, or hitting other children (besides his brother), so I am trying my best to work out what we need to do to help him. I guess again the TV is the big problem here.
    I know children do not just "act up" for the sake of it. Its generally because some need is not being met, or they are tired, or hungry etc. Now as for hunger I make sure that my son has plenty of primal foods for his lunch/recess, which he nearly always leaves some, as I really do give him a lot. As for sleep, this age they need around 12 hours right? We are working on that, but he has been going to bed around 7.30 each night, but since its summer here, its still quite light, so its been a struggle. So that could be something to do with it. He has completed one full week of school, so I know every thing is all new for him. He does love school though.

  • #2
    Would it be incredibly annoying of me, to ask the teacher to keep notes about any incidents that occur at school? And what was done about it? I, along with another mum from school find her so vague about explaining things. Yes they need to do their job, but knowing what is going on is so important to me so we can work through it.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Ayla2010 View Post
      Would it be incredibly annoying of me, to ask the teacher to keep notes about any incidents that occur at school? And what was done about it? I, along with another mum from school find her so vague about explaining things. Yes they need to do their job, but knowing what is going on is so important to me so we can work through it.
      I don't know much about teaching or parenting, but my instinct would be that she should definitely keep notes for you! If you can work out issues at home, then she won't have to deal with them in the classroom, so it benefits her as well!

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      • #4
        I am not a parent, but I was a teacher for whatever that is worth. I do not think it would be annoying to ask, but it may not be something she is able to do in the detail you wish due to other demands. Let's say a kid does hit your son (or vice-versa), she now has to break it up, get them calmed down, watch the other kids, try to teach a lesson, and now write a note about it? Yeah, it might not happen.

        Personally, I would arrange with the teacher a time to speak with her one-on-one about your concerns. Take 30 minutes or so to go over some incidents/reports from your son and see what is going on. At that time you could ask for some updates - daily, once a week, whatever the teacher can accomplish, within reason.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by sarahelyse View Post
          I don't know much about teaching or parenting, but my instinct would be that she should definitely keep notes for you! If you can work out issues at home, then she won't have to deal with them in the classroom, so it benefits her as well!
          Originally posted by canio6 View Post
          I am not a parent, but I was a teacher for whatever that is worth. I do not think it would be annoying to ask, but it may not be something she is able to do in the detail you wish due to other demands. Let's say a kid does hit your son (or vice-versa), she now has to break it up, get them calmed down, watch the other kids, try to teach a lesson, and now write a note about it? Yeah, it might not happen.

          Personally, I would arrange with the teacher a time to speak with her one-on-one about your concerns. Take 30 minutes or so to go over some incidents/reports from your son and see what is going on. At that time you could ask for some updates - daily, once a week, whatever the teacher can accomplish, within reason.
          Thats sort of what I gathered about the notes. Its just hard, as after school she has parents lining up to speak to her (I guess we are all first time kindy parents LOL)
          I will speak with her briefly in the morning, and explain that id like to have a good chat, as I said I wrote a list, as I tend to forget what I planned to discuss with her.

          What age kids did you teach? This young? I guess first year of school especially all their emotions are all over the place. Is what I have written normal sort of behaviour, of course not OK behaviour, but something commonly seen when first starting school?
          Once I know the full story that will help of course.

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          • #6
            Oh and the confusing reality with tv? I gather since he has been watching so much its probably what happens?

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            • #7
              As in we were discussing todays incident, and then he says they held him upside down over a rubbish bin. Then we asked him to explain further, and we worked it was from diary of a whimpy kid.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Ayla2010 View Post
                What age kids did you teach? This young?
                No I taught 12-17 year olds (not all at the same time). They have a different set of issues. As for parents lining up to speak with her - yeah, that is not great. I would set up an appointment to talk to her when she has time to actually listen and respond Best of luck.

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                • #9
                  Oh yeah I am sure that age group does. Something to look forward too lol. Thanks. I could possibly, maybe, potentially be over thinking things (hence why I am up at midnight), but its so important to me, that my son knows his feelings are important, and if something is bothering him, we can work through it.
                  I can't believe it took this long to realise the TV thing, really kicking myself now.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Ayla2010 View Post
                    I can't believe it took this long to realise the TV thing, really kicking myself now.
                    Eh, welcome to parenting, and the reason I wont ever do it. I have enough reasons to kick myself already

                    lighten up on yourself, you're up at midnight worrying about your kid. That sounds like good parenting to me.

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                    • #11
                      Yeah I guess, thank you for that.
                      I do have a bunch of books I read when he was smaller, so time to read them again now.
                      At least I got all the questions out of my head and on to paper, so I won't leave anything out.

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                      • #12
                        I feel you, my almost 5yo has been getting into trouble at school and making up stories about what really happened. She's experimenting, this is the first time she's been away from us for extended periods of time (no daycare, just some morning out/gym childcare) and the idea that she has some control over what we know went on during the day is intoxicating. I'm not sure if this would work for you, but one thing that almost always works for us is just to threaten to ask the teacher what happened - no actual asking required. When she's had a bad behavior day we talk about it in the car in the parking lot at school, and if she starts sounding fantastical or accusing other kids, I tell her that if her teacher tells me she's lying, she will be grounded, and start to get back out of the car. 9 times out of 10 this works--she confesses immediately. I hate to constantly question her truthfulness, but to be honest this age is all about storytelling and testing limits. I don't punish her when she tells the truth, but I do make sure that she realizes it was wrong to lie--for example she got in trouble for pulling a boy's hair and tried to claim that he hit her and hurt her. The story kept getting more and more dramatic (red flag!) until I pulled the "ask the teacher" card, and she confessed that he hadn't done anything. At that point, I told her that hitting and hurting other kids can get them suspended or expelled from school, and that her lying could have gotten that kid in BIG trouble. She is doing much better now, but the troublemaking, testing, and tall tale spinning did last about a month before she finally decided that it wasn't worth it anymore.

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                        • #13
                          I'm not a teacher, and my kids are 21 and 22, but I practiced attachment parenting with both my sons.

                          Here's my .02 cents for what it is worth.

                          Kids at this age are venturing out into the wider world than the one of immediate family. Especially if they haven't gone to preschool or had a lot of socialization, these are brand-new challenges for them. It's our job as parents to TEACH THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO KNOW in order to thrive in that wider world.

                          Kids of that age need to understand clearly what is expected of them, what the rewards for good behavior are, and what the consequences for inappropriate behavior. They need it told to them simply, clearly, and with consistency.

                          We "gentle" parents sometimes err on the side of not being firm enough and consistent enough about limits, and we do our children a disservice when we aren't strong enough to be appropriately firm. If we are doing a lot of talking and delving and explaining, our kids sometimes get lost in all the verbiage.

                          So my suggestion is to keep it very simple. Work with your child's teacher to simply extinquish the inappropriate behaviors. See if she'll agree to let you know very simply each day if your child had a hitting incident. Say clearly and simply to your child that hitting is not allowed, and that any day that there is no hitting, your child will earn a treat, say a half-hour of playtime with you, or an extra bedtime story. Any day that has a hitting report, no TV at all. Soon your child will learn that his actions have consequences. Keep it simple----no elaborate explanations. Just that you are helping him to remember and learn what is expected of him.

                          DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for setting firm limits. Firm limits are kind. Children need them. "Talking problems out" often is not sufficient to teach, they need to learn that actions have consequences. Don't be afraid to be a firm parent. Your child will feel safer, and learn self-control. Good luck!

                          Pea

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                          • #14
                            Well, it is possible the other kids are hitting your son and he is retaliating in kind. Perhaps, suggest to him that he tell the teacher when the other kids hit him. It's possible that the teacher has gotten the idea that your son is the aggressor when in fact he is not. I have seen this happen in the past with kids I have worked with. If the initial impression by the teacher was negative it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. I agree with canio for a scheduled appointment. Good luck. Attachment parenting and gentle discipline definitely does not end in toddlerhood. We can teach without becoming "the enforcer."

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                            • #15
                              We try to talk through everything, we don't use punishments or rewards. But we do have boundaries, and he knows them. But hitting is one thing we are having a problem with. Hitting his brother when he does something to make him angry. We do talk about how you need to express anger with words, and we model that, we don't hit our children. We empathise with him about his frustration, and clarify what it is he needs.
                              there isn't like a mean uncle figure to just smack him in the face once when this happens?

                              I do not understand the theory behind not hitting children- daily and shit, for the hell of it, I understand why this is bad, but where in nature do you not see hurt and aggression as a means of instruction? If he doesn't learn now, he is going to be trying to talk out a problem with a knife-wielding subhuman with no critical thought, empathy, or language skills.

                              Obviously "modelling" non-aggression isn't working if he is hitting his brother when he is displeased. Sounds like he just needs to learn that violence is not some abstract and confusing mommy-speak concept, but rather, an actual stinging blow on his fat spoiled cheek.
                              "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                              Jack london, "Before Adam"

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