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My mother is dying

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  • My mother is dying

    and I can't do anything about it.

    How do you deal with someone who's sick and dying and still refuses your help?

    This has been going on for years. This is not even my first post about it here.

    For the past 15 years or so there has not been a single day where my mother was healthy. She's always talking about dying. Ever since I was a little child I had to deal with her depression and suicidal stuff.

    Nowadays it's menopause, some growth in her uterus, acid reflux, stress, etc...

    I have so many vitamins, minerals and spirulina at home and she doesn't take any of them. I buy her supplements for her menopause and instead she takes the stuff her doctor gives her. And those not even in the correct dosage...

    I told her to take spirulina and baking soda for her acid reflux (it cured mine just 2 months ago) but instead she just bought that that green anti-acid bottle thing.

    Her doctor told her not to eat flour and you know what she makes for dinner? Pasta. You can't reason with her. I told her a billion times already to stop eating gluten.

    I got her some grass-fed plain yogurt and she throws it out. She eats a sugary shit one instead.

    She's like a child. It's like she enjoys the attention she gets when she's sick. She calls everyone and tells them.

    I figured I can't help someone who doesn't want help. I decided to just let it be. I'll at least spare my self from going crazy because of her.

    (I don't have a father, by the way).
    Last edited by rphlslv; 02-03-2013, 12:48 PM.
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  • #2
    You got it! You cannot do ANYTHING. Love her and support her. No more suggestions to her, because she doesn't want them. Do not spend any more money on food or supplements for her because she won't consume them. You cannot make her better and you cannot make her happy. I have family members like that, so I totally understand. Figure out what you need to do to balance being supportive and keeping your sanity. That may require limit setting with your mom. They may require less phone calls with her. I don't know; that is what you will have to decide. It is important and okay for you to take care of yourself and not to be responsible for her problems. Sounds like a very co dependent relationship, which is very draining Get support for yourself! AlAnon is good (even minus chemical addiction). I sympathize!


    • #3
      It's not that I don't try to help.

      Yesterday I went out and bought her some lentil soup. Good quality stuff, it was delicious. Even I ate it!

      But she complained that it was too spicy for her stomach. There was not a pinch of pepper in the damn thing! It was just an excuse not to eat it and to have something to complain about.

      And then she threw away the grass-fed yogurt.
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      • #4
        You can't do anything short of committing her to a health facility, just recognize that she's doing this for attention, and I hate to say it but don't make her a priority. She knows age gets attention from you and others by getting sick, the less of a big deal you make over her, the less stressed you will be and the more likely it is that she'll realize that her attention-seeking tactics are not working. I understand that this is going to be difficult to do, since its your mom, but really, if she's dying anyway, tough love can't make her health much worse.
        F 28/5'4/100 lbs

        "I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath; do your research."


        • #5
          She's 49 and I'm 22, by the way.
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          • #6
            Don't do a thing. When she starts in, say "oh, i'm sorry you feel bad" and then change the subject.

            You cannot save her, or rescue her, and you *shouldn't even try* -- leave her be, let go. Truly. It will make your life *a lot* easier.


            • #7
              My mother has been dying for the last 30 years....and she is still alive today.
              My Mom is one of those people that constantly have something even if there is nothing. She piles on her hypochondriatic crap onto all of us so she can be in the center of attention....gentle, loving attention.
              She likes to put fear into all of us (her family members) just to play us.
              She never learned how to swim in fear of having a heart attack from the cold water in pools. I have never seen her run, sprint or even move a little faster than crawling speed out of fear she'd be too hard on her heart. When she had her period every months she'd walk around bent over in the house hodling her belly, making slight whining noises.

              I have to admit, she is a sickly person, always has been but she knew better for the last 30 years of feeding us growing kids can foods and cheap pork cooked in canola oil.

              Shes been on high blood pressure pills since age 24 (shes now 70). Shes now also on blood thinners, multipe other meds and was diagnosed with a heart vavle thats failing. She recently broke 3 bones and falls frequently.
              She had lost all of her teeth at age 28 and all of her hair by age 60...the insurance now paid for a wig in full last month because her "look" was just THAT bad.

              We've all been in fear our entire lives of her dying..worrying about HER health while we all didn't care about our own!
              When I switched to primal I tried to enlighten her, fill her in on the big secret but when she blew me off and told me she doesnt want to hear about this "diet" anymore, I realized all she ever wanted was attention.

              3 years ago, when i switched to primal, I finally let go...I am no longer worrying, I'll fly back home for her funeral and that is it.
              Can't save someone who's already decided to be dead.


              • #8
                My mother was an alcholic and died of it, which took 25 years. We all knew for at least 15 years that she would die of alcohol. She could not quit, and there was nothing we could do.

                We all did learn that each person's life is their own. I feel that it is wrong to try in any way to force your beliefs and decisions upon others, even when you know they will die of their decisions. It's not your life.

                Love her. You will miss her terribly later no matter what she does. Treat her as she wants to be treated, not as you think best.
                Make her shine in her own eyes.
                "When the search for truth is confused with political advocacy, the pursuit of knowledge is reduced to the quest for power." - Alston Chase


                • #9
                  My Mom Does it, too

                  My Mom is similar and my siblings all fall for it. When she had outpatient surgery, they all came from two states away to be there and stayed the whole weekend. It was an angioplasty and on the way home they got KFC for dinner. Long ago when they found a lump in her breast, my sister and grandma both fell apart and she let them for a while until she told them it was benign. I didn't fall apart, I started asking questions instead. She wasn't satisfied with my reaction.

                  We are all dying. You could die tomorrow. My DH has been dealing with cancer for the last year and a half. He is cancer free for now and hopefully he will stay that way. People don't believe me when I tell them about his cancer, because he looks so healthy despite two major surgeries in the last year and he keeps his illness to himself. He doesn't want that kind of attention despite the fact that he could actually be dying right now and we won't know until the nest round of tests.

                  Stop playing the game. Stop asking after her health and stop buying her healthy food. Stop feeding the beast. The more attention you give her for her health issues, the more she is going to demand of you. You cannot force someone to be healthy and all too often the more you push, the more they resist. So, don't push. Just be as happy and healthy as you can be and let her be responsible for her own physical and emotional well-being.


                  • #10
                    I feel for you. Seems like a lot of people I know unfortunately have someone like this in their family. But I think you really hit the nail on the head by saying you don't feel as though you can help someone who doesn't want it. Frankly your mother probably has no true desire to be healthy because that would be giving up one of her most powerful playing cards in her life. If she were healthy she would no longer get all the attention she gets from being ill. And unfortunately she's probably so used to having some ailment or other that illness has become who she is. She knows nothing else, and if she isn't interested in taking steps to get healthier nobody will be able to make her.

                    Just take comfort in knowing that you gave your best shot to help her, and that it isn't your fault if she won't listen to your advice. You tried, and that's all anybody can do. As cliche as it sounds, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I hope that someday soon she will come around and start taking steps to regain her health, and realize that you have her best interests at heart. Until that day comes, stop wasting your money on food and supplements for her and don't give her attention when yet another ailment pops up. God willing one day she will wake up and realize how irresponsible and childish she is being with her own health and finally let you help her.


                    • #11
                      Tell her to eat crappy foods, maybe she'll do the opposite.


                      • #12
                        rphlslv - please I implore you - go and enjoy life. Life is too short. Mum doesn't sound like she wants help, but why sacrifice your happiness trying to change mum. We all make choices as an adult - I am hoping that you choose you go and enjoy life !!!!!

                        have fun ............................

                        G x
                        "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                        ...small steps....


                        • #13
                          alcohol craving went with paleo/primal

                          Originally posted by Cryptocode View Post
                          My mother was an alcholic and died of it, which took 25 years. We all knew for at least 15 years that she would die of alcohol. She could not quit, and there was nothing we could do.

                          We all did learn that each person's life is their own. I feel that it is wrong to try in any way to force your beliefs and decisions upon others, even when you know they will die of their decisions. It's not your life.

                          Love her. You will miss her terribly later no matter what she does. Treat her as she wants to be treated, not as you think best.
                          Make her shine in her own eyes.
                          This is interesting re your Mom's inability to quit booze. Before paleo, at times I would crave alcohol, especially when I was tired and feeling down because of it. I worried about that. After I cut grains from my life, I also no longer have ANY craving for anything, thankfully including alcohol. So when I hear of others, I wonder if the problem is carbs.


                          • #14
                            My dad is like that, and my mother is still waiting on him hand and foot, and in my opinion, has long since become completely codependent.

                            Let me tell you this...

                            1. You are a wonderful daughter and person. Proof - giving a shit enough to try to find help. Repeatedly.
                            2. You tried your damnedest, but she ain't willing to be open to one iota of advice, not ever. Believe that.
                            4. You won't be her favorite person at all for excusing yourself from that mind game, on which I am sure she depends, so be prepared for the possibility of some hurricane force shit when you bail.
                            5. You will still be a wonderful daughter and person after you refuse to get sucked in.
                            6. You will absolutely, definitely, positively feel so much lighter and freer and happier after you do this, and you DO deserve to be free from this worry.

                            I wish you all the best in this. Just a thought - if you do not do this now the situation will only be so much worse for you if you have hopes/plans to start your own family some day. She will just be the biggest pain in the ass baby of them all, when your time is then focused on your own children instead of her.

                            If you are in the mood to, just to see how she reacts, you could try to screw with her head some by just giving her exactly what she wants - the absolute shittiest foodstuffs you can source... Velveeta cheese, dollar store hot dogs, sugared and caffeinated soda, cheap cream-filled cookies, boxed Mac n'cheese... Not that this will "fix" her in the slightest, because only a highly experienced psychiatrist can do that (maybe), but you might gain some small insight about her.

                            Please, please, live your own life now. At least, try it - I really think you will find it so much healthier and happier.
                            I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC


                            • #15
                              My mom is slowly killing herself with alcohol and tobacco. There's nothing I can do about it. She doesn't want me to do anything about it. My Dad is going Paleo, after seeing the success I've had on PB, but he's not going to convince my mom to do it. That's just how it is. A person has to be willing to take that step towards health, and if they won't, you can't force them. Just love them while they're here.
                              High Weight: 225
                              Weight at start of Primal: 189
                              Current Weight: 174
                              Goal Weight: 130

                              Primal Start Date: 11/26/2012