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Scarcity and Contempt

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  • Scarcity and Contempt

    So I am 31, and still very clearly remember some images and feelings from early childhood- mostly the traumatic or triumphant ones, but this particular series disturbs and fascinates me more than any others.

    I must have been in 3rd grade (sparing you boring mile-stone marker rationalizations for this conclusion). My mother baby-sat for a family down the street, 3 kids all younger than me, plus our family at the time had 4 kids.

    The family was like the poorest I had ever known up to that point. I don't understand like, if there wasn't available welfare assistance in 1988 or thereabout when this occured, but everyone in the family was like Holocaust ribbed; big, sunken eyes and bony cheek-ridges, wiry, bone-popping torsoes and shit. They were freaky looking.

    I remember hating the kids so much. But when I think back and picture their faces, they are often kind and smiling or welcoming and calm, and I have no memory of them ever doing anything mean to me or my family. But, I do distinctly remember my mother giving them roast beef and me being pissed off. She usually said no to me and my brothers if we wanted this or that good food before dinner, because of scarcity.

    So I can still see their hollow faces on the stair-case watching me eat my lunch, all covetously and shit. They brought mayonaisse sandwiches from home and would haunt me while I ate.

    Anyway I remember hating them so bad, and I reflect on this often. I think that I even had a crush on the oldest one, because she was very proud and graceful and dignified, in a developed contrast from her younger siblings, who just hovered like wolves. The boy especially (it was 2 girls and like a 4 year old boy) I just viscerally hated the sight of and wanted to hurt.



    that's really the point. lol I have little insight about these memories, but I am curious how people interpret them. I attribute my hatred of wealth today though in part to how they made me feel.
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

  • #2
    so by the age of 8 or 9 you had developed a hatred for others base purely on physical presentation?
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    • #3
      they were taking my roast beef!

      and I believe that it is innate and related perhaps to the hardness necessary to practice infanticide and tribal eugenics, and probably also necessary to wage tribal war- it's not like I had many experiences with near-starved looking people by that age- it had to come from the basement, and not from my culture. It wasn't my environment, because my mom was trying to help them and was kind to them, and my brothers are all younger than me and followed my cues, or were too young at the time to have noticeably felt one way or another.
      "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

      Jack london, "Before Adam"

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      • #4
        Well maybe it just was the fact that your mom was trying to help them. Maybe, near-starved or plump, you would've hated them because your mom was babysitting them in the first place. Perhaps it is just mother issues, and you are particularly covetous of roast beef. Not so weird.

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        • #5
          nah my mom always babysat a lot of people growing up because other moms on the block worked. I was cool with having more kids around, especially since they were on my territory and I thus enjoyed privileges.
          "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

          Jack london, "Before Adam"

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          • #6
            so it was the usual greedy kid thing where you didn't like sharing?
            beautiful
            yeah you are

            Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
            lol

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            • #7
              Do you have visceral memories of faces and corresponding feelings over "usual greedy kids thing where you don't like sharing?" I don't really. It's way more fundamental than that.

              haha yous are a disappointment. I'm gettin' at something basic to nature here.
              "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

              Jack london, "Before Adam"

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              • #8
                I think kids can be naturally unkind. I mean, Lord of the Flies unkind. It sounds like in this instance, that was you. I assume you outgrew that.
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                • #9
                  what's more basic to nature than emotions from a random memory imprinting?
                  beautiful
                  yeah you are

                  Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                  lol

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                  • #10
                    kids for sure can be dicks

                    i know, i used to be one
                    beautiful
                    yeah you are

                    Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                    lol

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
                      they were taking my roast beef!

                      and I believe that it is innate and related perhaps to the hardness necessary to practice infanticide and tribal eugenics, and probably also necessary to wage tribal war- it's not like I had many experiences with near-starved looking people by that age- it had to come from the basement, and not from my culture. It wasn't my environment, because my mom was trying to help them and was kind to them, and my brothers are all younger than me and followed my cues, or were too young at the time to have noticeably felt one way or another.
                      if it were innate..... fewer of us would be here.

                      do you still hate on sight emaciated individuals?
                      Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

                      Predator not Prey
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                      • #12
                        no but I am not a helpless and dependent child anymore, so the intricacy of my unconscious value judgments and human assessments are not aligned with someone scared to be left out of the feeding circle, and are more concerned with man things. Since then I have gotten hair all over my body and grew to formidable size and have fought men with my hands and feet and have had sex with women and have taken a mate, so, my wiring is different. Now I'm sure that I would feel pity and protective impulses, probably because such a child is a rather cheap investment to make grateful and a life-long contributor once fed.
                        "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                        Jack london, "Before Adam"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Why do you think there would be less of us if we killed in fits of hatred the weak and scrawny? More food for the large and mean.
                          "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                          Jack london, "Before Adam"

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                          • #14
                            You maybe/probably felt guilty. You probably felt guilty about having what they didn't have, and instead of understanding that it's "okay" to have these feelings, your little kid mind got defensive instead. Defensive, entitled and angry, instead of dealing with the guilty. Adults do this shit all the time, especially when it comes to the topic of the homeless.

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                            • #15
                              I still feel guilty, definitely. Like I said, I think it's the origin of my hatred of wealth. So you think that guilt is a force that would so intensely impress something upon my young brain?

                              Interesting...How do people treat the topic of the homeless? On internet forums I read mostly canned narrative Left or Right or worthless platitudes...in real life, most of the people I know are not mainstream and have been or are friends with homeless and homeless types, so, that's not a good way to set the standard.
                              "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                              Jack london, "Before Adam"

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