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5 expressions of love

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  • 5 expressions of love

    At a meeting at work yesterday my supervisor tells us about the 5 expressions of love (it was a casual meeting).

    1. Time spent - doing things together, just being together
    2. Words of encouragement - telling someone you love them or other words of encouragement
    3. Touch
    4. Gifts - not necessarily stuff that is purchased, but little tokens to say I'm thinking of you
    5. Acts of service - doing things for the other person, helping you out somehow

    Usually there are two or three of these that when someone does them for you, you feel loved. Usually one is the strongest for you.

    For example, one of the ladies in our meeting collects Betty Boop things. He said she probably really loves it when someone shows their love with little gifts. She said, yeah, that's true.

    He told the story of his parents. His dad was the kind of guy who is like "Why do I have to tell you I love you. You already know I do." But his mom was the kind of person who needed to hear such words of encouragement. His mom was very traditional; she did the wash, ironed his shirts, cooked. To his father these acts of service meant she loved him. But while she was ironing and washing she was feeling angry at him for not showing her any love and feeling unloved. This is one way that relationships get out of balance.

    We all were discussing this and someone gave the example of their parents. Their relationship had been really strained because Dad had been a workaholic and they never spent time together. Recently he got cancer and now he is home sick. When people call and ask how Dad is doing Mom has a hard time sounding sad that he's not doing well because she is so happy he is around so she can be with him and care for him.

    Everybody decided they would go home and talk with their partners about this. I thought it was really cool so I talked to my Man about it, too. I know he likes touch but I don't like it much so I don't touch him very much. It was funny because I told him this and he said, "Yes, and....." Oh, I guess I should touch him now. Ha ha.

    Basically, if you figure out what the other person needs to feel loved and give it to them, you can create more love in the relationship. I thought some of you might also find these 5 expressions of love interesting.
    Female, 5'3", 50, Max squat: 202.5lbs. Max deadlift: 225 x 3.

  • #2
    That's a great map of communication to the heart. It can be applied to all relationships. Knowing how to read someone and speak their language in the figurative sense is important. I like it. And I'm sure there's probably more things to add to the list, but this is a good starting point!
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    “It does not take a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men.” - Samuel Adams


    • #3
      I think the 5 love languages comes from a book of that title by Gary Chapman.

      I like gifts, but I hardly get any.
      Female, age 51, 5' 9"
      SW - 183 (Jan 22, 2012), CW - 159, GW - healthy.

      Met my 2012 goals by losing 24 pounds.
      2013 goals are to get fit and strong!


      • #4
        I mentioned these "love languages" in another thread recently.
        Home | The 5 Love Languages®
        --Trish (Bork)


        • #5
          That's a book offered to all soldiers deploying through the Chaplain's office usually. Great book.
          My Journal


          • #6
            I'm a spending time/service, DH is a words of encouragement/service. My family (mom/dad/sister) are objects.

            It is helpful. The enneagram is also helpful. Check it out. It's awesome. I'm a 6w5 sexual subtype; DH is a 9w1 survival subtype; DS is an 8w7 with a social subtype. We think he's got the 7 wing, but aren't too certain.


            • #7
              I treat a girl like a girl, bad results
              I treat a bitch like a bitch, good results

              And it's not because other people say so, I have troed both things multiple times
              well then


              • #8
                LOL, gadsie. *snort*


                • #9
                  Originally posted by zoebird View Post

                  It is helpful. The enneagram is also helpful. Check it out. It's awesome.
                  I am doomed.
                  Female, age 51, 5' 9"
                  SW - 183 (Jan 22, 2012), CW - 159, GW - healthy.

                  Met my 2012 goals by losing 24 pounds.
                  2013 goals are to get fit and strong!


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by jojohaligo View Post
                    I am doomed.
                    I don't see why?

                    The enneagram has 9 types, three subtypes, and types range from unhealthy to healthy. Each type is just as good as the others, the main point is moving toward health.

                    The system seems complex at first, but it's really simple, and once you nderstnad how your personality reacts to things (other personalities, usually), then it's much easier to see the situation more clearly and move toward healthy behaviors.

                    But, one has to be pretty nerdy to get into it.


                    • #11
                      5 languages of love is great stuff. It was basically our pre-marital counselling.

                      To be fair, the enneagrams are best at describing the interactions between two different types, right?

                      They seem to have moved a bunch of their stuff behind a paywall since I was last on there.
                      Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

                      Griff's cholesterol primer
                      5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
                      Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
                      TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
                      bloodorchid is always right


                      • #12
                        I mostly use the books.

                        On a personal level, the enneagram is really good for understanding how I react to things and why. I understand how I work under stress, even if I don't consciously realize that I'm stressed because the behavioral patterns of my type/subtype at a given level of health bear out that I am under stress. This, then, allows me to understand how to move to a position of health -- how to acknowledge and work through the stress, and when confronted with a similar position that creates a similar anxiety, I can act in a healthy way instead of the more reactive unhealthy way (for my type, the phobic/counterphobic behaviors are the unhealthy, whereas the healthy way is to stand in faith and confidence in the process -- in who I am and my own ability to wade through the situation so to speak).

                        It also does help with relationships. THrough the study of the enneagram, I can better understand how my behaviors -- both healthy and unhealthy -- affect others in terms of their personality types and levels of health under stress. I can better understand why a person may behave in a certain way, and likewise figure out how to best meet their needs (without total self-compromise of course) to create better relationship outcomes.

                        If, like my husband, the other individual is interested in working with the enneagram for their own health, we can actually work in-tandem. It gives us a language to best describe each of our situations under stress, how we are acting/reacting, and whether we are moving to positions of health. It makes it easier for us to work together -- both in our relationship (personal) and in our relationship to the outside world.

                        For example, when we started this business there were people here who were outright hostile to us. It was simply their own fear of change, and several aspects of the enneagram as well as other articles that some psychologist friends of ours gave us (about organization structures that are unconsciously designed to abate anxiety and what happens when that structure is basically cracked to pieces by an outsider who comes into a unique position of power in that structure. . .such as taking over an existing business). So, we were both under a great deal of stress.

                        At this point, both of us being conscious of our processes within ourselves in terms of the enneagram, were able to analyze where we were in health and where we were not, and support each other in coming up with methods of how to act in health. So, each of us was able to support the other in our individual processes.

                        In addition, we were able to make sure that within our relationship, the stresses didn't "seep over" and create struggles within us, so we were better able to discern each other's needs and consciously adapt our family life to meet the needs that help decrease stress and move the relationship toward health.

                        And out of this, we were also able to -- as a couple -- demonstrate and act in health "in tandem" toward those who would deal with one or both of us in terms of our work, social life, etc. And therefore, also moving toward health.

                        In a work environment, it's also possible for people to pick up the enneagram and work together in order to create healthy and dynamic organizational structures. When everyone understands and knows everyone else's types, they can work *with* that information rather than having normal frictions at work. It also makes it easier to communicate and have two or more people create a healthy, cohesive plan of action when a stress does come up in the group (or with an individual in the group), which then in turn allows everyone to work together in a healthier and more successful way.

                        This, of course, requires conscious buy=in. I do some "amateur" guessing at what people's types are when observing them over time, and then do my best to see how my personality type can "rub" them the wrong way (and then avoid those behaviors), while also seeing where my personality type can help them feel more comfortable and successful -- or facilitating a state of health/wellbeing in them. While some people see this as manipulaiton, I really see it as understanding people's needs and seeking to meet those needs, even if they are unconscious to it themselves. It's just a tool that I use to create a better social and work environment fo rmyself. Then, if the individual is interested in learning abuot the enneagram types, then it can be a two-way street -- they can observe me and provide information for me, and I can also for them, and again, we come to that point of cohesion.

                        But in the end, it's really just for me. I use it all the time to best understand where I am and am not moving in health, how I work, and what is happening when I feel truly frustrated and/or out of control -- how am I reacting? What are my common behavioral patterns? Am I acting in those patterns? What outcome does that pattern truly create for me?

                        And from there, I can move forward in health.


                        • #13
                          There is also a version of these books designed to help you read which love language your child predominant responds to. I don't have kids, but found that after reading it and seeing that all three of my nephews were different types I could change the things I did with them and they would really respond to being loved in the way that is natural for them.

                          It was also interesting to realize that the reason I often felt unloved by my parents growing up is that they gave love in a way that was for different than how I naturally feel love.
                          Using low lectin/nightshade free primal to control autoimmune arthritis. (And lost 50 lbs along the way )



                          • #14
                            cool. i'll need to look into that one.


                            • #15
                              I relate to all 5 of those, to an extent.

                              1. Time spent - This is probably the most important to me. My SO values this as well.
                              2. Words of encouragement - Definitely my #2. SO is getting better at communicating this with me, it is probably the most difficult for him.
                              3. Touch - Not as much, but contact is important to me, though sex, not as much. Touch is very important to my SO, however. I try to incorporate small touches more often so he does not feel like I am neglecting him or not attracted to him.
                              4. Gifts - I love giving and receiving gifts with my SO. He definitely appreciates the gifts and is a very good giver.
                              5. Acts of service - This is probably what we struggle with most. I definitely have the anger in having to do a lot of things for us, but that's just how our life situation is right now. This is something that will always be in flux, I think.
                              Depression Lies