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  • #76
    Originally posted by sakura_girl View Post
    So the only difference is sex? So when the going gets tough and the sex begins to suck, people quit?
    Actually, I put up with 8 years of practically no sex...I could seriously count the number of times we had sex on one hand during most of that relationship. With the other, it was 7 years of really bad sex. I paid my penance. There was no hope for improvement in sight. I stayed with both people for more years than most people would.

    I'm not saying that I think the passion and excitement in the beginning should never change; but it has to actually exist. There's a difference between relationship that needs some nurturing to spring back to life vs. one that is dead and needs to be put to rest so that both parties can move on...the tough part is figuring out which one it is.

    My husband and I have periods of time where our libidos are lower and we might go weeks without sex due to health issues (he is currently taking some supplements that lower his libido,)...but we acknowledge that it's not how we want it to be long term, and we are both committed to making sure that the road to recovery includes an active sex life.

    This is the polar opposite of the previous relationship in which my partner had some very serious sexual issues but refused to seek help and sunk deeper and deeper into denial regardless of how many times I expressed that I was unhappy, frustrated, and was falling out of love...Are you saying I should have thrown away more than 8 years on this person?

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    • #77
      Originally posted by cori93437 View Post
      So I googled that Fireproof movie you referenced and this is what I got.

      The "work" you are talking about is basically acting like a mature adult and treating each other with respect and kindness?
      The movie showed a couple that was off the rails being selfish and disrespectful of each other. Then they changed... changing is "work" if you gone that far I guess.
      This is more the gist of the movie that changed my life:
      thelovedarebook.com
      --Trish (Bork)
      TROPICAL TRADITIONS REFERRAL # 7625207
      http://pregnantdiabetic.blogspot.com
      FOOD PORN BLOG! http://theprimaljunkfoodie.blogspot.com

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      • #78
        Originally posted by momrn View Post
        Almost 25 years in here. Three kids, unemployment, health issues (both), and the usual life problems along the way...

        You said you love, care and comfort one another. That, my friend, is a rare thing in this world. It's easy when it's hot and sexy. Who doesn't love that feeling? But having someone to help you back to bed because you are too weak from the colonoscopy prep is pretty awesome too!

        Practical advice--let go of fantasizing of that other person. Let it be a momentary distraction. Rest assured, that person would not be able to be "on" all the time either. Bills gotta be paid, laundry ain't sexy, and no one can be at their sparkly best constantly.

        Antidepressants really suck. They might keep a person from feeling sad, but they keep most other feelings away as well. Personal experience, here. Some are better than others, none is best. BUT, it is a slow and methodical process that takes lots of work and the help of a medical professional.

        I'll echo reaching out to friends for help with your little one so you can be together some more. I've had to do that, and I've been called on to do it. The people who care for you would much rather spend some time with your cutie pie than see you divorce. Walks are free.

        Have hope. Be good and loving to yourself. Make your innerspeak encouraging and honest. As far as sex, learn to enjoy the slow burn of an old love. It can be satisfying in a whole new way if you can open yourself up to it.

        Take a deep breath. Reassess what you have instead of what you don't have. Love, comfort, and care. That's quite a lot.

        Peace and love to you and your family.
        Thank you very much indeed. Perfect words, compassion and excellent advice. I shall endeavour to take it. Also, small boy has his first sleep over the week after next - at SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE. Truly, we enter a new era.
        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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        • #79
          Originally posted by BestBetter View Post
          Actually, I put up with 8 years of practically no sex...I could seriously count the number of times we had sex on one hand during most of that relationship. With the other, it was 7 years of really bad sex. I paid my penance. There was no hope for improvement in sight. I stayed with both people for more years than most people would.

          I'm not saying that I think the passion and excitement in the beginning should never change; but it has to actually exist. There's a difference between relationship that needs some nurturing to spring back to life vs. one that is dead and needs to be put to rest so that both parties can move on...the tough part is figuring out which one it is.

          My husband and I have periods of time where our libidos are lower and we might go weeks without sex due to health issues (he is currently taking some supplements that lower his libido,)...but we acknowledge that it's not how we want it to be long term, and we are both committed to making sure that the road to recovery includes an active sex life.

          This is the polar opposite of the previous relationship in which my partner had some very serious sexual issues but refused to seek help and sunk deeper and deeper into denial regardless of how many times I expressed that I was unhappy, frustrated, and was falling out of love...Are you saying I should have thrown away more than 8 years on this person?
          I'm asking this sincerely, without any sarcasm or sneering--

          If passion/sexuality were no longer possible with your husband, would you leave?

          From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

          Just me.

          Comment


          • #80
            Originally posted by momrn View Post
            I'm asking this sincerely, without any sarcasm or sneering--

            If passion/sexuality were no longer possible with your husband, would you leave?

            From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

            Just me.
            A relationship without any passion or sex is a platonic friendship. Those are great. But from a romantic partner I need sex. I am a sexual being. Suppressing my sexuality for years because of my previous partner's issues did significant damage to myself. It made me feel undesirable and not worthy of being happy. I'm convinced that relationship caused my MS, since I can trace each flare to something significant that happened with that previous partner. The last MS flare happened the last time I saw that partner and I have not had a single flare in the years since I left her. My body was desperately trying to tell me that I was in a relationship that was slowly killing me.

            I believe that most people on here have good intentions, but the self-flaggelation really needs to stop.

            Comment


            • #81
              Originally posted by momrn View Post
              I'm asking this sincerely, without any sarcasm or sneering--

              If passion/sexuality were no longer possible with your husband, would you leave?

              From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

              Just me.
              I know I wasn't the person you were directing that at, but I think there is a HUGE difference in there being a physical inability to complete the sex act and just having a partner who doesn't care about you enough to seek help with an issue so that you can have normal sexual relations.

              If my husband were injured or became disabled that is one thing... we would work around it, work together towards other solutions, etc. But I would continue to be a sexual person... likely with him as there are ways to have sexual contact even without an intact penis.

              If my partner simply ignored my sexual, touching, and comfort needs because he decided he didn't give a shit about me, that's a completely different problem. Yes, I would work long and hard to try and get him to come around to being involved through any means necessary including therapy... but a person who just flat refuses to acknowledge their partners needs at all... No. I do not believe that is acceptable behavior.
              “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
              ~Friedrich Nietzsche
              And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

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              • #82
                If it's directed at me, how am I punishing myself?

                I wholeheartedly disagree with that no passion/sex equals platonic friendship. That isn't my experience at all.

                I am sorry that relationship was so damaging for you, BB. It sounds like you are in a better place now.

                And I hear what you are saying cori, but it does happen that sexuality ceases for some through accident/illness. Would your love end?

                I'm unconditionally committed now. He's proven all he needs to prove to me. No more disclaimers for us.

                Comment


                • #83
                  Originally posted by cori93437 View Post
                  I know I wasn't the person you were directing that at, but I think there is a HUGE difference in there being a physical inability to complete the sex act and just having a partner who doesn't care about you enough to seek help with an issue so that you can have normal sexual relations.

                  If my husband were injured or became disabled that is one thing... we would work around it, work together towards other solutions, etc. But I would continue to be a sexual person... likely with him as there are ways to have sexual contact even without an intact penis.

                  If my partner simply ignored my sexual, touching, and comfort needs because he decided he didn't give a shit about me, that's a completely different problem. Yes, I would work long and hard to try and get him to come around to being involved through any means necessary including therapy... but a person who just flat refuses to acknowledge their partners needs at all... No. I do not believe that is acceptable behavior.
                  This is absolutely 100% how I see things as well.
                  Durp.

                  Comment


                  • #84
                    Originally posted by momrn View Post

                    From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

                    Just me.
                    I dunno I wouldn't want to risk it. :P
                    I find your lack of bacon disturbing.

                    Comment


                    • #85
                      Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                      Also, small boy has his first sleep over the week after next - at SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE. Truly, we enter a new era.
                      Love sleepovers! Not that getting it on sneaky-style doesn't have it's own sort of appeal, but having the house to yourselves is really fun too. I find that looking forward to those opportunities makes the days leading up better too.
                      50yo, 5'3"
                      SW-195
                      CW-125, part calorie counting, part transition to primal
                      GW- Goals are no longer weight-related

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                      • #86
                        Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                        Thank you everyone for your kind words and heartfelt advice. More please!

                        Sometimes when I need an idea for something fun to do, I just google cheap fun date ideas...usually there's a bunch of stupid stuff, but there are also some good ideas in there. For example:

                        52 Free or Cheap Date Ideas | Budgeting In the Fun Stuff

                        *This probably goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway: It's really important that you are BOTH on the same page about reviving the passion. If this is something that you decided to work on solo without having a conversation with him about what you want to improve, it might not be so successful.



                        Years ago I was reading a book about how to write. The author talked about sneaking in moments throughout the day to jot down ideas, get rough ideas or even just phrases down, rather than dedicating hours sitting at a desk everyday. Usually when we try to 'force' something, it doesn't work, we get writer's block or put up some kind of resistence. But those sneaky, fleeting moments seem to be more fun to give into.

                        I think passion can be like this. If you put all sorts of pressure on having this mind-blowing passionate night (maybe the one night the kid is out of the house) there is a huge likelihood that something will go wrong, some resistance will happen, and the whole thing will feel wrong.

                        But if you start out small - leaving silly notes around, sneaking up behind him and giving a quick kiss, putting on some dance music and bopping around together when washing dishes, spreading a blanket on the living room floor after the kid's bedtime and having an indoor picnic dinner with candles, the fun stuff that reminds you why you're together in the first place....then you can work up to the big night of passion stuff.

                        P.S. I highly recommend listening to dance music when cooking or cleaning or doing annoying tasks...My husband and I turn cleaning the house into a dance party and it is so much fun! I think that it's important to have as much fun together as possible.
                        Last edited by BestBetter; 12-09-2012, 04:40 AM.

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                        • #87
                          Married for almost 15years and together for 18years .... we are fairly young 36&35 and have had ups and downs along the way however each up and each down we grow a bit closer together and that is mainly from continual communication and acknowledgement that we are there for each other.

                          I don't know your total situation but if you can move yourself to an area where you can find meaningful work (and perhaps more affordable) for both of you and get more of a chance to rekindle the flame that drew you together in the beginning then that should help things.

                          Also whatever you must do to get more time together then make that sacrifice as time together is worth more than any other marriage counseling you can do. Walk together, talk together, play cards, cook together, and play with your child together.

                          Live your life to the fullest as you have only one go around.

                          Bon Chance!

                          Comment


                          • #88
                            I agree: re loss of sexual ability vs lack of interest/active disinterest.

                            It's one thing for a person to have a disability or problem -- and that obviously makes no difference and needn't cause suffering. But, indifference towards your partner's needs is cruel and selfish.

                            I wouldn't want to be treated that way, so it would have to be dealt with actively or I'd have to find a partner who recognzied that both of us have needs, and his aren't the only ones that matter, you know?

                            BUt I don't necessarily see that happening in this particular relationship (OP). What I see is a young family full of stress and busy-ness, and as such, it's hard to connect at that level. I get it, because I live(d) it too. It's work right now in the sense of -- we have to find the time, find the money for sitters to have one-on-one time to connect, etc.

                            There's no lack of interest or passion, just we are tired mostly from working so hard.

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                            • #89
                              Originally posted by zoebird View Post
                              BUt I don't necessarily see that happening in this particular relationship (OP). What I see is a young family full of stress and busy-ness, and as such, it's hard to connect at that level. I get it, because I live(d) it too. It's work right now in the sense of -- we have to find the time, find the money for sitters to have one-on-one time to connect, etc.

                              There's no lack of interest or passion, just we are tired mostly from working so hard.
                              Agree. This seems to be one of those situations where life is temporarily stressful and you kind of just have to push through it and make home as pleasant as possible until it gets easier. Then you can look back and talk about "the difficult years" and how much better life is now that things have calmed down a bit.
                              Durp.

                              Comment


                              • #90
                                Originally posted by Dr. Bork Bork View Post
                                This is more the gist of the movie that changed my life:
                                thelovedarebook.com
                                Well, thank goodness you weren't relying on the acting... I watched this movie last night and invited my husband to watch it with me -- even I was tempted to turn it off, it's slow to start and the talents are, well, weak. Then I realized it was a Christian message -- nothing wrong with that, but it's not quite what I had expected. Should have done my research

                                That being said I want to believe very hard in the "for better or for worse" part and I also bought the book you suggested (can you tell I really want to fix my marriage!?); the same center idea seems to emerge: give it YOUR very best shot, only YOU can make YOU happy so you might as well try.

                                I've read a great book I'd also recommend here , called Project Happily Ever After, with literally a step by step guide on how to make this work for you too (the author also blog here).

                                Whether you call it work or not, a happy marriage doesn't just happen by accident, or "on its own". That's my view anyway. And don't be fooled by appearances either; some couples fall apart after 10, 20 even 30 years... No relationship can be taken for granted I guess!

                                To the OP, best of luck to you and focus on the little things one day at a time.
                                _______________________________________

                                Adopted the Primal lifestyle on: August 9 2012.
                                My sporadic journal entries are here.

                                Results to date: I've lost (gained?) one belt hole!

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