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question for those of you long married (and still happy)

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  • #61
    Now it's supposed to be uncomfortable too?

    WTF.
    I was thinking it was the most comfortable thing ever...

    I think that peoples are having very different types of relationships around here.

    It's possible to be really comfortable with a thing, like the most comfortable favorite best fitting most worn in pair of jeans you own (that magically seem to re-size right along with you), and NOT take them for granted.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

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    • #62
      Originally posted by cori93437 View Post
      Now it's supposed to be uncomfortable too?
      i thought it was just a prolonged herpasyphilaids flare up

      but no, i'm just in love
      beautiful
      yeah you are

      Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
      lol

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      • #63
        Originally posted by bloodorchid View Post
        i... have to highly disagree with this

        so, i am disagreeing
        I just feel like there has to be some edge in there, a little (healthy) jealousy on both sides. When you become of the mindset that someone is 100% tied to you no matter what, it becomes more like a parent-child or brother-sister relationship than a romantic one. All of my relationships have ended for this reason - I got comfortable. I'm not generalizing for anyone else just wanted to chime my 2 cents to a thread I enjoyed reading and maybe learned something from.

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        • #64
          Originally posted by cori93437 View Post
          Now it's supposed to be uncomfortable too?

          WTF.
          I was thinking it was the most comfortable thing ever...

          I think that peoples are having very different types of relationships around here.

          It's possible to be really comfortable with a thing, like the most comfortable favorite best fitting most worn in pair of jeans you own (that magically seem to re-size right along with you), and NOT take them for granted.
          Together over 29 years, married for almost 23, 2 pre-teen kids. That spark we had when we were "young and in love" is long gone. (seriously. we were teenagers. CHILDREN for god's sake) But what has replaced it took a lifetime of commitment and trial and error, and can't ever be found somewhere else, with anyone else. We are compatible in some ways, polar opposites in others. We share almost identical values on most things social, political and parental.

          Some days I'm impatient or can barely contain the eye-rolling at his idiocy. Some days he gets bitchy about my bitchy-ness. We have weathered lots of hardship and financial stress. We are proud of having made it through the rough patches. We both know we could put more energy and effort into recreating that "spark"...but its such a small thing compared to what we DO have. We make an effort to be kind to one another. We avoid pushing each other's buttons. We accept one another. We are comfortable. We are content. We have trust and understanding.
          Sandra
          *My obligatory intro

          There are no cheat days. There are days when you eat primal and days you don't. As soon as you label a day a cheat day, you're on a diet. Don't be on a diet. ~~ Fernaldo

          DAINTY CAN KISS MY PRIMAL BACKSIDE. ~~ Crabcakes

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          • #65
            Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
            Thank you all for your kindness. I shall make more of an effort with thanking, stroking and being nice and see where it gets me. Husband and I will also be starting (individual) therapy in the new year - if nothing else it will be an interesting topic of conversation. Husband has stopped his antidepressants, which might or might not make him less greyed out. My hope is that it's the other stuff in our lives (stress, exhaustion, depression, homesickness, poverty) that is making us question our marriage rather than an inherent flaw. However, the last ten years have been a rollercoaster of employ/unemployment, suicidal depression and other fun stuff and I can't help fearing the next ten years will be more of the same.

            There are no easy answers, are there?
            Badgergirl you have bravely started this thread and there are some great replies. I think you have summed up your own situation very well here. It has reminded me that one of the blessings of marriage is to have someone to share all of life's burdens with. Even if the hard times continue, at least you face them together. The questions of life are always hard, but love never gives up.
            Annie Ups the Ante
            http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread117711.html

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            • #66
              RitaRose you give me hope Thanks you.

              Originally posted by RitaRose View Post
              Okay, I don't count as "long married", but I do have 2 failed marriages (seriously awful stuff where I had to leave), oneof which lasted 13 years, and I'm in an incredibly happy relationship now - coming up on 3 years together. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I can pretty much guarantee we'll be together until one of us dies.

              One thing I can point to as being drastically different in this relationship that was missing from the other relationships is how much we appreciate each other. We are constantly doing things for each other (and I don't mean buying things) and then we make sure we earnestly express our appreciation for those things, no matter how small.

              I know it doens't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference. Make sure your husband knows you've got his back no matter what, and do little things that he'll notice make his life a little better. It's contagious in a good relationship.

              For instance, The Boyfriend is really bugged when the trash in the kitchen starts to get a little... tall. And he does seem to be the only one that ever empties it, so I took the trash out first thing this morning before he woke up. He worked late last night, so I made sure I left some deviled eggs in the fridge for him. I bring the paper in every morning so it's there when he gets up and doean't have to go out in the cold. Those are small things, but things he really appreciates.

              He, on the other hand, washes my car without me ever asking, takes care of any travel plans (he's better at them) and volunteers to visit my mom with me. That just makes me love him even more, and I let him know that. He still opens car doors for me, and I still thank him every time. It just works.

              I sent him an email once, "50 Reasons Why I Love You", and he said it took everything he had to keep from forwarding it to everyone he knew. I also wrote a fairy tale version of how we met, and he still has it in the drawer next to the bed years later. It makes him feel special, and I think that's one of the most important factors in keeping a love affair strong.
              You know all those things you wanted to do: You should go do them.

              Age 48
              height 5'3
              SW 215 lbs
              CW 180 lbs (whole foods/primal eating)
              LW 172 lbs
              GW 125ish lbs

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              • #67
                We've been a couple for 39 years; married for 36.
                The only secret here (and I figured this early) is that she is the 'most important person in both our lives'.
                Well, that and a sense of humor.
                Retirement has afforded me the ultimate affluence, that of free time (Sahlins/Wells)

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                • #68
                  Originally posted by dizzyorange View Post
                  I just feel like there has to be some edge in there, a little (healthy) jealousy on both sides. When you become of the mindset that someone is 100% tied to you no matter what, it becomes more like a parent-child or brother-sister relationship than a romantic one. All of my relationships have ended for this reason - I got comfortable. I'm not generalizing for anyone else just wanted to chime my 2 cents to a thread I enjoyed reading and maybe learned something from.
                  I think there's a difference between working hard at something and refusing to take someone for granted. Assuming they'll stick with you no matter what is good, and it only becomes a problem once you stop trying to make them want to. It takes a little effort, but I honestly don't think that's hard work, given a good partner to begin with.
                  Durp.

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                  • #69
                    Almost 25 years in here. Three kids, unemployment, health issues (both), and the usual life problems along the way...

                    You said you love, care and comfort one another. That, my friend, is a rare thing in this world. It's easy when it's hot and sexy. Who doesn't love that feeling? But having someone to help you back to bed because you are too weak from the colonoscopy prep is pretty awesome too!

                    Practical advice--let go of fantasizing of that other person. Let it be a momentary distraction. Rest assured, that person would not be able to be "on" all the time either. Bills gotta be paid, laundry ain't sexy, and no one can be at their sparkly best constantly.

                    Antidepressants really suck. They might keep a person from feeling sad, but they keep most other feelings away as well. Personal experience, here. Some are better than others, none is best. BUT, it is a slow and methodical process that takes lots of work and the help of a medical professional.

                    I'll echo reaching out to friends for help with your little one so you can be together some more. I've had to do that, and I've been called on to do it. The people who care for you would much rather spend some time with your cutie pie than see you divorce. Walks are free.

                    Have hope. Be good and loving to yourself. Make your innerspeak encouraging and honest. As far as sex, learn to enjoy the slow burn of an old love. It can be satisfying in a whole new way if you can open yourself up to it.

                    Take a deep breath. Reassess what you have instead of what you don't have. Love, comfort, and care. That's quite a lot.

                    Peace and love to you and your family.

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                    • #70
                      Originally posted by cori93437 View Post
                      The way you folks keep talking about "work" makes me think I'm doing something really, really wrong.
                      My marriage should be falling apart any second now...

                      What work?
                      You all act like it's a full time job or something.

                      If my marriage felt like a full time job I'd probably be pretty damned unhappy with it.

                      Keeping the house clean... now that is work. Never ending work!

                      ALL relationships take work (aka effort). Have you not played the Sims? LOL

                      btw, outstanding post by momrn
                      --Trish (Bork)
                      TROPICAL TRADITIONS REFERRAL # 7625207
                      http://pregnantdiabetic.blogspot.com
                      FOOD PORN BLOG! http://theprimaljunkfoodie.blogspot.com

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                      • #71
                        Originally posted by Sandra in BC View Post
                        Together over 29 years, married for almost 23, 2 pre-teen kids. That spark we had when we were "young and in love" is long gone. (seriously. we were teenagers. CHILDREN for god's sake) But what has replaced it took a lifetime of commitment and trial and error, and can't ever be found somewhere else, with anyone else. We are compatible in some ways, polar opposites in others. We share almost identical values on most things social, political and parental.

                        Some days I'm impatient or can barely contain the eye-rolling at his idiocy. Some days he gets bitchy about my bitchy-ness. We have weathered lots of hardship and financial stress. We are proud of having made it through the rough patches. We both know we could put more energy and effort into recreating that "spark"...but its such a small thing compared to what we DO have. We make an effort to be kind to one another. We avoid pushing each other's buttons. We accept one another. We are comfortable. We are content. We have trust and understanding.
                        Pretty accurate description of my relationship with DH, next year will be our 20th anniversary and we were together 5 yrs before that. I think part of the the "spark" one feels early on in a relationship is the excitement of the unknown. It would be impossible to recreate that "spark" after this much time together, what we have is something so much more deep. I may find other men superficially more attractive, (though honestly it is rare to find men my age that are more attractive than DH) but I've yet to find one more interesting than him. We are still each other's best friend.
                        Life is death. We all take turns. It's sacred to eat during our turn and be eaten when our turn is over. RichMahogany.

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                        • #72
                          I think maybe what's key is the difference between "work" and "struggle".

                          Good relationships don't just happen with no one making any effort at all, but once it becomes a struggle, then it's a completely different issue. Kind of like how putting gas in your car is work (though not dfficult) and pushing it down the road after a long time of not filling the tank is a "struggle". One is much easier and prevents the other.
                          Durp.

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                          • #73
                            Originally posted by Dr. Bork Bork View Post
                            ALL relationships take work (aka effort). Have you not played the Sims? LOL

                            btw, outstanding post by momrn
                            No I have never played SIMS.
                            But I understand the concept, and if you have a list of functions that you have to go through... essentially tricks you have to perform weather you enjoy doing it or not... in order to get the person to respond in a positive manner then hell yes, that is WORK.

                            The way every one is describing "work" seems extreme to me.
                            I do not feel like I "WORK" at my relationship.


                            So I googled that Fireproof movie you referenced and this is what I got.

                            The "work" you are talking about is basically acting like a mature adult and treating each other with respect and kindness?
                            The movie showed a couple that was off the rails being selfish and disrespectful of each other. Then they changed... changing is "work" if you gone that far I guess.

                            Since in 15 years we have always been respectful and kind and been mature in discussing any issues that have arisen... we haven't gone off the rails and had to WORK at getting back on.
                            I still don't feel like I work at my relationship everyday. I'm just acting normal.
                            I love my husband and treat him accordingly.
                            That is not any sort of special effort on my part... it's something I'm drawn to do.
                            I'm drawn to do things that make him happy, just as I think he's drawn to do things to make me happy.
                            Work?
                            It sure doesn't feel that way.
                            “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                            ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                            And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              Originally posted by sakura_girl View Post
                              So what makes the difference between friendship and marriage, according to what you just said? Aren't friends also people who you support, give advice to, feel desired for and make you feel valued, etc. In the same way, are you justified to be able to have multiple marriages with people who make you feel this way, and allowed to leave them when the situations make things ugly for a short period of time?
                              A romantic relationship or marriage in my book is different from regular friendship in that the first one you sexually desire each other and have sex whereas a platonic friendship has zero sex involved.

                              If someone wants to share a bed with a platonic best friend because they are compatible but don't have sexual feelings for each other and don't desire each other, that can be totally fine if it's what they both want.

                              Personally, I want to have sex with the person I'm in love with.

                              On another note, I was thinking about this whole 'relationships being work' thing, because I really didn't understand why people kept saying it was work...and then something occured to me.

                              When someone has a job they love, it doesn't feel like a job because the work is so fulfilling and enjoyable. This is the kind of job you wake up excited to go to in the morning, the kind of job that keeps you in the present, instead of counting down the minutes until lunch, or Friday or the next day off. This is what I think a good relationship should be like; it requires some work, but it doesn't feel like work because it's so rewarding.

                              Contrast that with a shitty, stressful job that doesn't pay enough. You dread going back day after day. You're unappreciated or undervalued. You watch the clock until it's time to leave. This kind of work is hard. In my opinion, if this is what a relationship feels like, then I think it's time to rethink things.


                              There are many things in life that are stressful. Both my husband and I have had our share of them in a very short period of time (debilitating autoimmune health issues, unemployment stress, my mother having cancer and his father having open heart surgery simultaneously, etc...) but the one thing that made those situations bearable was our relationship. A good relationship should help you to thrive even when faced with serious problems, it shouldn't be an additional problem on it's own.

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                              • #75
                                Originally posted by BestBetter View Post
                                A romantic relationship or marriage in my book is different from regular friendship in that the first one you sexually desire each other and have sex whereas a platonic friendship has zero sex involved.

                                If someone wants to share a bed with a platonic best friend because they are compatible but don't have sexual feelings for each other and don't desire each other, that can be totally fine if it's what they both want.

                                Personally, I want to have sex with the person I'm in love with.
                                So the only difference is sex? So when the going gets tough and the sex begins to suck, people quit?

                                Edit: Sorry, I got carried away with trying to drive my point across. I agree with that last (unquoted) part. But again, doesn't that mean you just have to man up and commit during the bad times, which is what most of the people on here are trying to argue?
                                Last edited by sakura_girl; 12-08-2012, 05:05 PM.
                                My chocolatey Primal journey

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