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question for those of you long married (and still happy)

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  • #46
    Originally posted by Legbiter View Post
    Some women are capable of good advice. You included.
    You? You can stay. Come sit right here next to me.
    Durp.

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    • #47
      Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
      My best friend, soul mate, former (long, long ago) lover (yes, it's complicated) is getting divorced. I recently had my head turned by someone else, but my head was ready to be turned. Nothing happened except a lot of inner questioning. I am not proud of this, but it is what it is. Needless to say, environmental factors have led me to question things a lot more. Also, this WOE gives me more energy, which - it's part of my make-up - makes me want to tear things down, jump on planes, start over...those are not helpful responses given that I have a husband and child to support.
      Having your head turned is not unusual, IMO. During a tough spot (but not one of the toughest), I was transferred to a fairly hot, super personable young guy as a supervisor. It kind of revved me up, if you know what I mean. DH made a joke about a rooster in the hen house making all the hens lay better. Part of me was a little embarrassed that he noticed and part of me was impressed that he was so cool about it. I think being attracted to other people can be good for a relationship if you don't intend to act on it. Even now, when things are great between us, I get distracted by a guy I only interact with occasionally. I would never! But he's a catch and some woman needs to get her hands on him.

      Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
      Finally, I'm 35. The thought that there will never be passion, buzz, whatever between us again, well, that's not okay.
      Yeah, that would suck. I couldn't live with that either. Even though there were times I had no enthusiasm, I wanted something more. I don't know for sure how we found our way back. We just kept on keeping on. At this point, I hope I die before he does, because I really don't want to go through finding a man who knows how to bring it the way he does.
      50yo, 5'3"
      SW-195
      CW-125, part calorie counting, part transition to primal
      GW- Goals are no longer weight-related

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      • #48
        Originally posted by RitaRose View Post
        You? You can stay. Come sit right here next to me.
        Hands off the merchandise woman. I'm not a slice of bacon!


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        • #49
          [QUOTE=zoebird;1026989]
          I did not -- and do not -- want to be hindered in who I am as a person to meet someone else's needs or expectations as to what they want in a partner. THis was my absolute, number one thing that I looked for while dating.

          I think this is always sound advice, If you think you are losing yourself in all this look to the things you enjoy doing, things you did while dating or single. These may have been some of the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place.

          And who is this DH guy? He seems to be married to or knocking up half the women in this thread.:P
          I find your lack of bacon disturbing.

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          • #50
            Originally posted by Knifegill View Post
            No such thing as "in love". Love is work. If you aren't working on it, it dies. The lustful passion of a new sexual partner is just for spawning purposes. As an adult, you are to be more mature than this. You promised to work at life together no matter what. Giving up and breaking your promises makes you both whores and a liars and child abusers, even if TV tells you otherwise. There is no excuse for letting a marriage die. It's laziness, boredom, or mistrust, or other issues that get out of hand because you forget to work together at it. Grow up and learn to keep your promises. This is part of the FOR WORSE clause. And in 50 years, you'll wonder why you were ever thinking about leaving.
            I don't for a second believe that... but if you've never been there, you've never been there and you wouldn't know.
            Love is not always work. Yes it sometimes takes some work when you hit a rough patch, but if you have to work at it every single day and it feels like work all the time, you should probably reevaluate the situation.
            I've had it both ways... and being in love with a person who is also in love with you, as in love between two mature compatible people is actually pretty damn effortless most of the time.

            Originally posted by Dr. Bork Bork View Post
            Celebrating our 11 year anniversary next week. I don't think I ever felt passion or any of that froo-froo stuff, even when we were dating. I knew the type of man I wanted to marry and he was it. (btw, Knifegill pretty much said what I was going to!)
            Love is an ideal. Real love takes work.
            I recommend looking into the 5 love languages, and also watching the movie Fireproof. Fireproof changed everything for me.
            After two very bad choices on my part resulting in divorces (I chose abusive partners and own that part of the process) I also chose a man to marry based on other values than just "passion"... though I admit there was plenty of compatibility there too. I consciously chose him based on non-emotional reasons however (I actually discussed this with him once and he was kind of offended at it... maybe not the wisest "sharing" I ever did. Honesty it weird that way.)
            I agree that "Love" is an ideal, but I think that it is entirely possible to be "in love" with a partner long term, without all this work everyone seems to think we need.
            Rough patches happen, that's when you work.
            In 15 years we've hit a couple... we refocused, worked a bit, and it wasn't a big problem.
            The rest of the time has seemed easy.

            Yeah, I believe in being "in love". 100%.


            Originally posted by Chaohinon View Post
            I have to agree with BestBetter, I've always resented the notion that a relationship/marriage is "work". My friend actually referred to it as, "the hardest job you'll ever have", eugh (two weeks later his wife filed for divorce and had some other guy's abortion).

            The past 4 years for us have felt effortless. If you have to "work" to be thoughtful and do some cuddling once in a while, then the battle is already lost.

            I could say the same for a lot of people who get married in the first place. Divorce is just the correction of a previous stupid decision.
            I agree...
            After 15 years my husband can still give me butterflies in my stomach with just a kiss.
            We laugh, we joke, we are friends above all things... this goes a long way, especially on the days we are not lovers.


            All hope is not lost.
            Keep doing what you are doing and don't listen to the ones trying to make things harder than they really are.
            Keep a sense of humor.
            I'm not saying that a harder patch might not come along for you where you might not need to refocus your attention, but don't make "work" out of it IMO...


            To the OP,
            IMO find a way to laugh together and do it as often as possible.
            That's my only advice.
            When things are stressful, money is tight, you're too tired for sex, whatever... find some way to share a laugh and a smile.
            That is the thing I value the most in my relationship with my husband beyond any doubt.
            Through all our troubles... my chronic illnesses as well as PTSD and depression and other problems... he has always found ways to make me smile. Like every single day.
            And as I said above... after 15 years he can still give me butterflies when he kisses me.
            It's all about the laughing. I swear.

            That's it... find a way to laugh and smile together... and try to touch on the things that make you compatible again where at all possible. Even if it's just rehashing old stories for a laugh. Nostalgia is good medicine sometimes, especially while cuddling. And it's free.
            Last edited by cori93437; 12-07-2012, 08:10 PM.
            “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
            ~Friedrich Nietzsche
            And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

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            • #51
              No one's ever very attractive when they're struggling to keep their head above water. Sexy isn't dogpaddling & flailing. Sexy lies oiled up on the beach, relaxed & tanned, full of vitamin D. Not a lot of sexy in this economy....
              stress plays havoc on our hormones, which seriously affects interest in, & bonding with, a partner.

              Longevity in relationships seems to depend on sticking it out through these times, or living in bubble-wrap made of dollar bills and blind optimism. so far, I've stuck it out through a decade and a half. It hasn't been easy, but it's been a priceless experience.
              Good luck to you both!

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              • #52
                I dated my high school sweetheart for 5 years, then we married right after college. Then he started his first job and became a workaholic overnight. I struggled with depression for many years, tried to do everything I thought I was "supposed" to do, including passing up an opportunity to earn a PhD because I knew I would be staying home with young children at some point. Three kids and seventeen years later, he still did not make an effort to participate in "our" life, not even to help make decisions about finances, goals, etc. When the kids went to school full days, I found a hobby, and then I found another man who could be a real companion. I did not even know I was vulnerable.
                As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.

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                • #53
                  Originally posted by LauraSB View Post

                  I'm going to look for Fireproof. Is it something teen/young adult kids would watch?
                  It's something they COULD watch. It's a family friendly movie. I would not hesitate to show it to a teen who is old enough to understand the value of a relationship and what kind of work it takes to make it successful.
                  --Trish (Bork)
                  TROPICAL TRADITIONS REFERRAL # 7625207
                  http://pregnantdiabetic.blogspot.com
                  FOOD PORN BLOG! http://theprimaljunkfoodie.blogspot.com

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                  • #54
                    Originally posted by Dr. Bork Bork View Post
                    It's something they COULD watch. It's a family friendly movie. I would not hesitate to show it to a teen who is old enough to understand the value of a relationship and what kind of work it takes to make it successful.
                    The way you folks keep talking about "work" makes me think I'm doing something really, really wrong.
                    My marriage should be falling apart any second now...

                    What work?
                    You all act like it's a full time job or something.

                    If my marriage felt like a full time job I'd probably be pretty damned unhappy with it.

                    Keeping the house clean... now that is work. Never ending work!
                    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

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                    • #55
                      Originally posted by badgergirl View Post

                      Finally, I'm 35. The thought that there will never be passion, buzz, whatever between us again, well, that's not okay.
                      After years of being with someone I loved and was very compatible with, I came to the decision that I was willing to accept staying in a sexless, passionless relationship because our love was so deep...Well, love or no love, I was not born to be celibate. It does not make me happy. And the more understanding I was of my partner's sexual issues, the more it resulted in no sex. It wasn't until I was willing to prioritize my own happiness for the first time in my life that I was able to let go of that deeply troubled relationship and meet the person I was meant to be with.

                      I also don't understand all this 'love is hard work' bullshit. There are moments that are challenging, sure. But overall, my relationship is fun. We laugh a lot. We share a lot of interests. We support each other and give advice. We make each other feel desired and valued. We daydream and make big plans for the future. We delight in surprising each other with little gifts and surprises. We are both equally invested in making the other one feel appreciated and loved. Most of that stuff comes naturally and doesn't feel like work. I think if a relationship feels like hard work, then people are doing something wrong.

                      *My husband is an ex-pat, and I think that until a person experiences this themselves, it's impossible to understand how difficult it can be. He left his family and friends to be with me on another continent. It's really hard for him sometimes, especially now that his parents are getting older and having health issues and he is their only child. But we find ways to make it work; his parents are really not technologically capable at all, so he bought them an ipad (easiest thing for the most techno-phobic person to use) and they use it to have video chats with him on facetime, they email pictures and videos constantly. I know he made a big sacrifice to be with me, and I try to make up for it every chance I get, but really what he needs is for me to be understanding when he has a moment of sadness about not being home for the holidays...
                      Last edited by BestBetter; 12-07-2012, 09:24 PM.

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                      • #56
                        Have more sex. Really. When things are hard, and I feel that my husband doesn't understand me, I up the number of times a week that we have sex.

                        It helps me fall back in love, even when I really don't feel like I want more sex, that is what our relationship really needs. So, get naked with him. Assuming he is willing. If he isn't, then that is a whole other problem and you may want to think about other options.

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                        • #57
                          Originally posted by BestBetter View Post
                          I also don't understand all this 'love is hard work' bullshit. There are moments that are challenging, sure. But overall, my relationship is fun. We laugh a lot. We share a lot of interests. We support each other and give advice. We make each other feel desired and valued. We daydream and make big plans for the future. We delight in surprising each other with little gifts and surprises. We are both equally invested in making the other one feel appreciated and loved. Most of that stuff comes naturally and doesn't feel like work. I think if a relationship feels like hard work, then people are doing something wrong.
                          So what makes the difference between friendship and marriage, according to what you just said? Aren't friends also people who you support, give advice to, feel desired for and make you feel valued, etc. In the same way, are you justified to be able to have multiple marriages with people who make you feel this way, and allowed to leave them when the situations make things ugly for a short period of time?
                          My chocolatey Primal journey

                          Unusual food recipes (plus chocolate) blog

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                          • #58
                            because friends don't usually have sex with each other

                            OP, sht happens, it's normal. in my opinion, your situation is one of those bumps in the road that are easily fixed (relatively, compared to long term)

                            if you want *shrug*
                            beautiful
                            yeah you are

                            Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                            lol

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                            • #59
                              I don't think you can get comfortable. Love wasn't meant to be comfortable and when it becomes so it is no longer love, at least romantic love.

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                              • #60
                                Originally posted by dizzyorange View Post
                                I don't think you can get comfortable. Love wasn't meant to be comfortable and when it becomes so it is no longer love, at least romantic love.
                                i... have to highly disagree with this

                                so, i am disagreeing
                                beautiful
                                yeah you are

                                Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                                lol

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