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  • Jokes needed! Holidays for Hereoes

    Holiday Mail for Heroes | American Red Cross | Military Support
    Details of the program.

    My work is participating. I want to write a few jokes in a few cards. They should be fairly "neutral" (preferably not about a holiday). These will be screened so I'm not sure how many "off-color" jokes would be let through either. I thought some military humor might be good, as long as it's not disparaging. I'm hunting around on joke sites for anything that strikes me as funny and inoffensive, which means hopefully someone else will too.

    Who is up to the task? I'm not naturally funny, I need some help!
    Depression Lies

  • #2
    some military humor would be great. if you can find a couple of reader's digest magazines, i remember they used to have a short portion called "humor in uniform" that was all military focused. you could probably steal right from there and get people feeling good.
    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60178.html

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    • #3
      You're right! I always read those at my grandma's house.

      Funny Jokes | Reader's Digest

      Yesss.

      Anybody have personal favorites, then? haha
      Depression Lies

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      • #4
        Not necessarily military humor, but there are some good jokes here: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread71536.html
        "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

        B*tch-lite

        Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

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        • #5
          Here are some "one liners" I've collected over the years...


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          "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

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          "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

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          "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

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          "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur

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          "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

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          "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

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          "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

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          "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

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          "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

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          "Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

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          "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

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          "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

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          "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

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          "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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          "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

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          "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

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          "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

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          "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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          "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

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          The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"

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          "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

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          "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

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          "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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          Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

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          • #6
            Goldie, those are GOLD. Boyfriend and I cracked up. Thanks!
            Depression Lies

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