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  • for shits and giggles

    no reason - other than to put a smile on your dial !!!!!!!
    yep that was really cheesy !!!!!


    how to start a fight



    The Unreasonable Mother-in-law
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift and when she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's when the fight started...
    The Unreasonable Wife
    My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    The Humour-less Wife
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the ‘mad cow’?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started...
    The Misinformed Wife
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And that's when the fight started....
    The Dangerous Wife
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer; always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    The Lazy Wife
    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And that's when the fight started...
    The Humourless Husband
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's when the fight started...
    The well rounded Wife
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale
    And that's when the fight started...
    The Masochistic Husband
    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And that's when the fight started...
    Last edited by NZ primal Gwamma; 11-20-2012, 02:06 AM.
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  • #2
    Lol.
    Awesome.
    Thanks for the laugh.

    Comment


    • #3

      Comment


      • #4
        A man went into a busy restaurant and sat down at the only empty table.
        As he sits down, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
        The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table.
        The man was extremely impressed by the promptness of the service and asks
        “Do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?”
        The waiter replied “we had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables and so by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient”.
        Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter
        “Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?”
        The waiter answered, “That efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the toilet, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string, and never having touched myself, I don’t need to wash my hands.”
        The customer asks “then how do you get your penis back in your pants?
        The waiter replies, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon”!
        "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

        ...small steps....

        Comment


        • #5
          LOL to both!
          "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

          B*tch-lite

          Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

          Comment


          • #6
            We went to the marriage guidance counsellor. The suggestion was to spice things up with some fantasy. When we got home, my wife said: "Right, I'm an Ancient Roman noble lady and you're my slave." She made me clean the house from top to bottom.

            Comment


            • #7
              Really appreciated the humour today -- more than you'll know! Thanks/Lu
              ----------------------------------------
              F, 48, 5'10"
              Start Date: 25-06-12 @ 161lbs
              Goal Reached: 30-09-12 @ 143lb. Now bouncing between 145lb - 149lb. I'd like less bounce and more consistency :-)

              Started Cross Fit 20.12.12 ---- Can't wait to submit my success story on the 1st anniversary of starting primal.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Lewis View Post
                We went to the marriage guidance counsellor. The suggestion was to spice things up with some fantasy. When we got home, my wife said: "Right, I'm an Ancient Roman noble lady and you're my slave." She made me clean the house from top to bottom.
                I so hope that you had the whole loincloth, oiled body thing going on !!!!!!!!
                and yes - pics would be great, it would make this old Gwammas day !!!! LOL

                Originally posted by Louisa655 View Post
                Really appreciated the humour today -- more than you'll know! Thanks/Lu
                more to come !!!!!!
                totally not primal but laughing is !!!!!!!!!!
                "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                ...small steps....

                Comment


                • #9
                  Fabulous.. Saving for a treat for fam after turkey day dinner. Thx!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    5 Secrets of a perfect relationship

                    1. It’s important to have a woman who cooks, cleans and has a job.
                    2. Its important to have a woman who makes you laugh
                    3. It’s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
                    4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
                    5. It is absolutely imperative that these four woman should never meet.
                    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                    ...small steps....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      One of my favorite jokes:

                      -----------------------

                      A man asked his brother to cat sit while he was on vacation. When he called home to check in, his brother said, “I’m sorry, but your cat fell off the roof and died.”

                      “My cat!” the man cried. “This is such a shock! Why did you tell me so abruptly like that?”

                      “I didn’t know what else to say,” his brother said.

                      “You should break news like that gradually,” the man said. “The first time I called, you could’ve said: ‘The cat’s on the roof and I can’t get him down.’

                      The next day when I called, you could have told me that the cat fell and you took him to the vet. The third day you could tell me that the cat died.”

                      “You’re right,” the brother replied. “I could have done it better.”

                      “Never mind,” the man said. “How’s Mom?”

                      There was a long pause and then the brother said, “Mom’s on the roof and I can’t get her down.”

                      ---------------

                      We used to call those "Grandma jokes," iow jokes we could tell Gran'ma without shocking her. My grandmother once tried to tell an off color joke that had the word c***sucker in the punchline, and we all about peed ourselves laughing as she wracked her brain searching for an alternative word.
                      "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                      B*tch-lite

                      Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        fantastic joanie. I will have to put that in my joke folder !!!!

                        keep em coming !!!!!
                        "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                        ...small steps....

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          A very sad looking guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool. From out of his pocket he pulls a little toy-sized piano. From the other pocket, he pulls out a little Liliputian sized person wearing a black tux. The little guy sits down at the little piano and starts playing.

                          The bartender is watching all this and comes over and says, "Um....Do you mind if I ask what is going on here?"

                          The man sighs and says, "This is my twelve inch pianist."

                          The bartender says, "Your what?"

                          "Well, let me put it this way", says the guy. "If a genie ever grants you one wish, SPEAK CLEARLY!"

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            A New Zealander was visiting Texas. As he was roaring down the highway in his rental car, a big ol' Texas longhorn runs out in front of him. He swerves to miss the cow, but wrecks his car. He flags down a passing trucker who robs him of his wallet and suitcases. Along comes two bikers on a Harley, they tie him to a billboard sign, get his car unstuck and steal it. Finally after watching buzzards circle for hours, a Texas Ranger stops and walks over to see why this guy is tied to a billboard. The New Zealander explains the entire situation.

                            The Ranger adjusts his cowboy hat, starts unbuckling his gun belt and says, "Well mister funny talker--this just ain't your day is it?'

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.



                              She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

                              The mother went in and told her son, "We don\'t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

                              Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.



                              Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

                              She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

                              As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen!"
                              Eating primal is not a diet, it is a way of life.
                              PS
                              Don't forget to play!

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