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  • #76
    Subject: Teaching Math in Britain

    1. Teaching Maths In 1970
    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
    His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
    What is his profit?

    2. Teaching Maths In 1980
    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
    His cost of production is 80% of the price.
    What is his profit?

    3. Teaching Maths In 1990
    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
    His cost of production is £80.
    How much was his profit?

    4. Teaching Maths In 2000
    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
    His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
    Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    5. Teaching Maths In 2005
    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate
    and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
    Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

    6. Teaching Maths In 2009
    A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
    offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
    felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut something.
    He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident. However, he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

    When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.
    They also have a BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of
    rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
    The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
    Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
    arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

    7. Teaching Maths In 2010
    A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

    The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
    However, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations
    and he is forced to scrap it.
    Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home, they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.
    The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side
    of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
    The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap.
    The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses
    and allowances.
    You do the maths.

    8. Teaching Maths 2017
    أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
    > الانتاج 80 من
    > الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

    Comment


    • #77
      This redneck went into the doctor to have "one o' dem vastectomies on accounting 10 kids is 'nuff." The doc tells him to take an empty beer can and put a lit cherry bomb in it, then count to 10. The redneck can't figure out hide or hair of how it'd work, but decided to do it anyways. He put the cherry bomb in th can and start counting on his fingers "one..two...three...four...five." At this point, he puts the can between his legs so he can keep counting. "six..."

      How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed?
      Put velcro on the ceiling.
      How do you get him down?
      Send a buncha illegal kids in and tell them he's a pinata.
      How do you run out the illegal kids?
      Have a buncha white kids run in yelling "INS!"

      How do you know which turd came from a gay guy?
      Look for the one with a dent in it.
      Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
      My Latest Journal

      Comment


      • #78
        How does every good joke start?
        *checks over her shoulder* You gotta hear this one.
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
        My Latest Journal

        Comment


        • #79
          What did the gay guy say to the other gay guy at the bar?

          "May I push your stool in?"

          Comment


          • #80
            How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
            2, but how they got in there beats me.

            How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
            I guess I'll sit here in the dark, unloved, all alone...

            How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
            What's a light bulb?

            What goes clop clop clop BANGBANG clop clop clop BANGBANG?
            An Amish drive by.

            What's the difference between an Episcopalian and a Baptist?
            Episcopalians recognize each other in the liquor store.

            Whenever 4 Episcopalians get together, a fifth appears.
            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
            My Latest Journal

            Comment


            • #81
              A radio station in the Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives.
              The following are the final four place getters:

              4th place
              "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
              some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
              hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
              I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
              To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".
              The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
              what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
              The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

              3rd place
              "It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
              When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise".
              My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
              Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

              2nd place
              "A lady picked up several items at a discount store.When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
              Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system
              and boomed out for all the store to hear; "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
              That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks".
              In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:
              DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN
              WITH A HAMMER?"

              AND THE WINNER IS!
              This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year.
              In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
              A young female first year, raised her hand and asked,
              "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
              "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
              Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
              After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned.
              However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply is a
              classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,
              "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue not the back of your throat!"
              "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

              ...small steps....

              Comment


              • #82
                Originally posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
                A radio station in the Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives.
                The following are the final four place getters:

                4th place
                "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
                some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
                hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
                I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
                To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".
                The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
                what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
                The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

                3rd place
                "It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
                When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise".
                My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
                Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

                2nd place
                "A lady picked up several items at a discount store.When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
                Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system
                and boomed out for all the store to hear; "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
                That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks".
                In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:
                DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN
                WITH A HAMMER?"

                AND THE WINNER IS!
                This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year.
                In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
                A young female first year, raised her hand and asked,
                "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
                "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
                Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
                After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned.
                However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply is a
                classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,
                "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue not the back of your throat!"
                hahaha

                Comment


                • #83
                  What's a joke thread without UU jokes?

                  How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                  It Takes 300:

                  12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
                  5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
                  8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
                  4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
                  After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

                  How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                  We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

                  How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                  NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.
                  http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

                  Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

                  And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

                  Comment


                  • #84
                    Originally posted by drssgchic View Post
                    What's a joke thread without UU jokes?

                    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                    It Takes 300:

                    12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
                    5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
                    8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
                    4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
                    After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

                    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                    We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

                    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                    NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.
                    I LOVE IT!! I am currently attending a UU, and came from a very patriarchal-hierarchical church, and frequently get the "OMG, WILL YOU PEOPLE MAKE A DECISION ON THE CARPETING COLOR ALREADY, FOR FRACK's SAKE!!" twitches.

                    Although, in their defense, it is a lesson in a very democratic way of approaching stuff.
                    I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

                    Comment


                    • #85
                      hahahahahahahaha - very clever...........
                      "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                      ...small steps....

                      Comment


                      • #86
                        A woman out shopping with her husband spots a pair of boots she loves.
                        The husband says: ? ”No chance love, they’re way too expensive”

                        Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck
                        and places his hand on her hip.

                        She turns to him and says. ”I don’t think so, pal....
                        If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren’t riding it”
                        "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                        ...small steps....

                        Comment


                        • #87
                          Originally posted by Crabbcakes View Post
                          I LOVE IT!! I am currently attending a UU, and came from a very patriarchal-hierarchical church, and frequently get the "OMG, WILL YOU PEOPLE MAKE A DECISION ON THE CARPETING COLOR ALREADY, FOR FRACK's SAKE!!" twitches.

                          Although, in their defense, it is a lesson in a very democratic way of approaching stuff.
                          Yeah- though sometimes it's democracy gone wrong. Although you gotta love a group that laughs at itself on purpose- I've heard every one of those actually at church.
                          http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

                          Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

                          And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

                          Comment


                          • #88
                            Subject: Fw: This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!!

                            The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we
                            had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
                            where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

                            Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

                            OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
                            for old time's sake?'

                            Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

                            A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
                            having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
                            old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
                            there's no trouble. So he follows them.

                            The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
                            aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
                            make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
                            drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
                            Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
                            ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
                            noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
                            the ground.

                            The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
                            old age that he didn't know..

                            After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
                            struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
                            still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
                            them what their secret is.

                            So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
                            something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
                            sort of secret to this?'

                            Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

                            'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
                            "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                            ...small steps....

                            Comment


                            • #89
                              Favorite blond joke ever:

                              Why are blond jokes so short?

                              So the brunettes can understand 'em
                              http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

                              Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

                              And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

                              Comment


                              • #90
                                Originally posted by drssgchic View Post
                                What's a joke thread without UU jokes?

                                How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                                It Takes 300:

                                12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
                                5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
                                8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
                                4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
                                After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

                                How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                                We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

                                How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                                NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.
                                There needs to be an interpretive dance in here somewhere. ETA: Ah! It is in there! Perfect!!

                                Comment

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