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  • #61
    Originally posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
    what is a calorie ??????
    calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe @ night and sew your clothes tighter.
    My closet is infested with the little buggars !!!!!
    Oh. My. Sides. Hurt!!!
    I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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    • #62
      CC - how are things with you, Mr Crabbs and all the little crabbies ??????
      "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

      ...small steps....

      Comment


      • #63
        Originally posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
        CC - how are things with you, Mr Crabbs and all the little crabbies ??????
        Come on over to my place, here: www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60512.html and I will tell you!
        I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

        Comment


        • #64
          Originally posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
          what is a calorie ??????
          calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe @ night and sew your clothes tighter.
          My closet is infested with the little buggars !!!!!
          Is that what those buggers are called. I wonder if the store carries a pesticide that I can buy. I seem to have an infestation.

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          • #65
            Q: What is the difference between a women's track team and a band of pygmies.
            A: The band of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts.


            “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
            ~Friedrich Nietzsche
            And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

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            • #66
              Cori - you are a naughty naughty girl - and I will have to add that to my naughty book !!!!!!! LOL
              "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

              ...small steps....

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              • #67
                Cori, I love that joke. It reminds me of...

                What is the difference between a flounder and a lawyer?

                One is scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.

                Comment


                • #68
                  I still haven't learned all the mnemonics used here. Try mine.


                  Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texing codes:

                  * ATD- At the Doctor's

                  * BFF - Best Friends Funeral

                  * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

                  * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

                  * CBM- Covered by Medicare

                  * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

                  * DWI- Driving While Incontinent

                  * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

                  * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

                  * GHA - Got Heartburn Again

                  * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

                  * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

                  * LOL- Living on Lipitor

                  * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

                  * TOT- Texting on Toilet

                  * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


                  Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
                  "When the search for truth is confused with political advocacy, the pursuit of knowledge is reduced to the quest for power." - Alston Chase

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Originally posted by cori93437 View Post
                    Q: What is the difference between a women's track team and a band of pygmies.
                    A: The band of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts.


                    And what is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

                    That's easy. A rooster clucks defiant!

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Originally posted by canio6 View Post
                      Cori, I love that joke. It reminds me of...

                      What is the difference between a flounder and a lawyer?

                      One is scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.
                      too much - gwamma can't take too much more of this.................. althou I do have a father and a brother who are Lawyers, but they are LOVELY !!!!!!!!! cos Gwamma said so !!!!!

                      Originally posted by Cryptocode View Post
                      I still haven't learned all the mnemonics used here. Try mine.


                      Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texing codes:

                      * ATD- At the Doctor's

                      * BFF - Best Friends Funeral

                      * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

                      * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

                      * CBM- Covered by Medicare

                      * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

                      * DWI- Driving While Incontinent

                      * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

                      * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

                      * GHA - Got Heartburn Again

                      * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

                      * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

                      * LOL- Living on Lipitor

                      * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

                      * TOT- Texting on Toilet

                      * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


                      Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

                      Crypt thats is just hilarious. I have got to make up some of these....................texting in the toilet - that is just wrong !!!!!!!!The commode - fine, but the toilet - tsk
                      "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                      ...small steps....

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

                        Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £200.'

                        After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

                        Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

                        When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

                        Jim quickly dressed and left.

                        As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

                        With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £200?'

                        Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me £200.

                        Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

                        Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
                        "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                        ...small steps....

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          My wife and I went to the agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

                          ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

                          My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

                          We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
                          ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

                          My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

                          We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
                          in capital letters,
                          'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

                          My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
                          'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

                          I looked at her and said,
                          'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow


                          My condition has been upgraded from critical
                          to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery
                          "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                          ...small steps....

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
                            In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
                            “Mrs Jones, do you know me?”
                            She responded, “why yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big hot shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two bit pusher. Yes I know you “
                            The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked “ Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?”
                            She again replied “why yes I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him”

                            The defence attorney nearly died.

                            The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said,
                            “ If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
                            "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                            ...small steps....

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              1+2 = 3

                              Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.....

                              Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

                              His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,

                              flash cards, special learning centres..

                              In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

                              Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school because they had a reputation for getting excellent results. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

                              Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

                              To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

                              This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

                              Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

                              Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
                              "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                              ...small steps....

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                I have no TV, but at the gym there are many in view all the time, and I cannot help but looking at them while doing cardio.

                                Today Jon Lovitz was on a womans morning talk show, and he used Gwamma's joke with the mirror and the perfect eye-sight. I was like, "I KNOW THAT JOKE!!!!" lol haha Gwamma > Jon Lovitz
                                "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

                                Jack london, "Before Adam"

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