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  • #16
    Oh Dirlot - nice one!

    Otzi - interestingly I have a funny story to go along nicely with your joke. My husband and his uncle and his father were in the US to go to the Osh Kosh airshow, they hired a car and decided one afternoon to take a drive in the desert to find an aircraft graveyard they'd heard about. After some time on a very lonely road the police pull them over and slowly approach the car, guns drawn. Long story short, the police spotted these two Maori men and a white fella driving a car along the mexican border and had jumped to the reasonable conclusion that they were Mexican drug runners who had kidnapped some poor white dude!

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    • #17
      OMG, these are classic !!!! Absolutely classic. I have nearly WMP from laughing so hard !!!!
      "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

      ...small steps....

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      • #18
        I would like to offer you one small piece of advice…..
        I will tell this in the form of a story…..
        Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table; he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
        “Who’s been eating my porridge?”
        He squeaks.
        Daddy bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
        “Who’s been eating my porridge?!?”
        He roars.
        Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells
        “For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots!
        It was mummy bear who got up first
        It was mummy bear who woke everyone in the house
        It was mummy bear who made the coffee
        It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away
        It was mummy bear who swept the kitchen floor
        It was mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and wood for the fire
        It was mummy bear who lit the fire
        It was mummy bear who set the damn table
        It was mummy bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cats litter tray, refilled their water and gave them food
        And now that you have decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace mummy bear with your grumpy presence
        Listen carefully, because I’m only gonna say this once…….
        I haven’t made the beeeeeeep porridge yet!!!!!!!
        "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

        ...small steps....

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        • #19
          Back when I was in college, I worked at a large preschool. The kids came from all types of backgrounds, and sometimes we had kids asking why we weren't watching R rated or harder movies.

          One day my job was to sweep and vacuum, which happened to be in front of the bathroom. As I was sweeping, I heard two little boys in the bathroom talking.

          "Why are you in here?" asked one.
          "I am just playing with my balls." replied the other.

          I about choked, knowing that these boys were about 3-4 years old. I couldn't bear to go in, so I asked another teacher to do so.

          One boy was zipping up from peeing. The other boy had two tennis balls that he was bouncing against the wall.

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          • #20
            A Chinese gentleman walks into a New Zealand pub and says to the bartender. "give me a bourbon, bogan". The bartender says, 'that's rude', but serves him anyway. A few minutes later the Chinese fellow slams his empty glass down and say "Give me another bourbon, bogan!", the bartender says, 'Wait a minute, that's too rude...let's trade places and I'll show you what I mean'.

            The bartender walks outside, then returns to the bar and says, 'Give me a drink, Chink!'. The Chinese fellow looks him over and says politely, "Solly, we no serve-a da Kiwi here."

            OK, what the hell is a bogan??? If anyone is offended I will delete!

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            • #21
              otzi....you have so got to watch those Kiwis. They are a dodgy bunch LOL

              A bogun....hmmmm


              The term bogan is Australian and New Zealand slang, usually pejorative or self-deprecating, for an individual who is recognised to be from an unsophisticated background or someone whose limited education, speech, clothing, attitude and behaviour exemplifies a lack of manners and education.[1] While bogan is widely recognised, localised names exist that describe the same or very similar groups of people.[2]
              "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

              ...small steps....

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              • #22
                Bogan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
                "Go For Broke"
                Fat Kine-230/24% @ 6'2"
                Small Kine-168/9%
                Now- 200/8%
                Goal- 210/6%

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                • #23
                  > A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds
                  > attractive can be different depending on where she is in her menstrual
                  > cycle.
                  >
                  > For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and
                  > masculine features.
                  >
                  > And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man
                  > doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his
                  temple
                  > and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.
                  >
                  > Further studies are expected.
                  "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                  ...small steps....

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Lewis View Post
                    We went to the marriage guidance counsellor. The suggestion was to spice things up with some fantasy. When we got home, my wife said: "Right, I'm an Ancient Roman noble lady and you're my slave." She made me clean the house from top to bottom.
                    not surprised you're a sub...
                    Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
                    Starting Weight: 294 pounds
                    Current Weight: 235 pounds
                    Goal Weight: 195 pounds

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                    • #25
                      A highway patrolman chases a car with his blue lights on. The car speeds up and then finally pulls over. The officer explains that it's the end of his shift and he doesn't want to do the paperwork....if the guy has a good reason for speeding he will let him go. The guy explains that his exwife ran off with a highway patrolman and that he thought that it was him trying to bring her back.

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                      • #26
                        A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
                        It doesn't have any feet or legs.
                        The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
                        The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
                        I'm a defective parrot.'
                        'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
                        'You actually understood and answered me. !'
                        'I got every word,' says the parrot.
                        'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
                        'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
                        'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
                        'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
                        You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
                        'Wow,' says the guy.
                        'You really can understand, and can speak English.'
                        'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
                        I'm especially good at ornithology.
                        You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
                        The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
                        'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
                        'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
                        You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
                        The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
                        Weeks go by.
                        The parrot is sensational.
                        He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
                        The guy is delighted.
                        One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
                        'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Postman.'
                        'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
                        'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
                        'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
                        'THEN what happened?'
                        'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
                        'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
                        'Yes.
                        ‘Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
                        Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
                        DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

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                        • #27
                          Absolute classic !!!!!! well done !!!!
                          "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

                          ...small steps....

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            The Big Flood

                            It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

                            As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

                            The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


                            The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

                            The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

                            Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?"

                            God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
                            "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                            B*tch-lite

                            Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

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                            • #29
                              An Iraqi War Vet (and Primal Blueprint'er) was eating at his parents house for Thanksgiving dinner. He piled his plate high with turkey, ham, and celery sticks, but passed on all the high-carb treats, carefully avoiding scrutiny by his SAD family.

                              All of a sudden, an elephant trunk (with a Grok tattoo) appears from the young man's lap, feels around the table, grabs a POTATO and dissapears. Everyone gasps. What the hell was that? Screams Mom. Oh My GOD! Screams Aunt Sally.

                              Please let me explain, says the chap. When I was in Iraq, a roadside bomb blew up in front of me and took out my wedding tackle. They used a new, experimental surgery and replaced my member with an elephants trunk, and it sometimes has a mind of it's own.

                              "Kewl!" says cousin Nancy. Well let's see you do that again.

                              The Primal young man says, "The Potato Diet may be perfectly primal and all, but I don't think I could fit another spud in my butt at the moment."
                              Find me on Facebook!

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                              • #30
                                hahahahaha
                                "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                                B*tch-lite

                                Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

                                Comment

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