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A question for the Grokettes.

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  • #16
    Mr Anthony..... he has the right idea. Be confident, but not an ass. Funny never hurts.

    http://maggiesfeast.wordpress.com/
    Check out my blog. Hope to share lots of great recipes and ideas!

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    • #17
      If you have a trusted, candid female friend, she'll be able to help you out a lot.

      I was often a "scout" for my female friends and the wingman for my male friends, once we talked about what people wanted and needed.

      My process was generally simple. Foremost, for myself, I didn't care if I get dates and never have -- which by the way, keeps you pretty much flooded with dates until you decide to pick one and marry (or whatever). This means that I was free to help other people get what they want.

      What most people -- men and women -- want someone who is compatible with them. So, you need to first spend some time thinking about the kind of person with whom you want to be. Think about it in terms of lifestyle in every way that you can think of -- working hours, how s/he spends spare time, diet, hobbies and interests, and look for common values around money, spirituality, and politics. You might also want to think about whether or not you want children (and how you want them -- adoption, IVF, whatever. . . it's worth thinking about ahead of time, particularly if you want to remain child-free).

      From there, you might have certain tastes that you prefer -- don't be too picky (only red heads named Amy) -- but also just be aware of what your particular tastes are and be willing to deviate from those tastes too -- someone might surprise you.

      This is your personal, up-front work to know what you're looking for.

      Once you have a sense of this, and you just need to develop confidence in some basic skills. The first basic skill is chatting someone up. There are good and not-as-good and also really terrible ways to do this. The easiest entry is to simply be friendly. Smiling, perhaps a bit flirty, but not too off color. A compliment is a good, safe place to start flirting, btw.

      So, you have to learn this first bit which is mostly about asking evaluative questions. You're looking to determine if she's interested (in you) and interesting (enough to go out with). By knowing what you like, what you're looking for, you can determine this pretty quickly within the banter -- even if the banter is basically nothing at all beyond a general description of the sky being blue.

      You'll need to practice banter with the friend who is candid with you. She'll be able to clearly evaluate everything from dress to body language (does your dress indicate about yourself the things that you think it does? What about your body language?). She'll be able to tell you whether or not your banter works, and . . . if she's smart, she'll be able to switch up the answers to give you a way to sharpen up and handle different kinds of reactions. . . without your banter being "script-y."

      Once you have yourself sorted and practiced, then you can start choosing venues. Bars and clubs aren't for everyone (me, in particular), and if you don't drink, it's a horrible place to meet someone. LOL But, there are lots of other social things that exist out there that can provide opportunities to meet people *if* you know how to go.

      With a female wingman, particularly in typically non-meet-people places like parks or Tough Mudder course, she'll be able to pinpoint and talk to specific women in the group who may be open. She can then introduce you, and slyly bring forth that you are not together, but good friends. This will give an "in" to other females in the group who may be interested in you, and you can chat them up.

      Your female wingman can also redirect you into things. For example, if you are obviously causing discomfort to *her* group of friends (in particular her scout, and secondarily, her cock-blocker friend), she can change the topic and redirect you into new areas of banter that will decrease the impact of these two (bringing them onto your side). I have played both roles, by the way (both scout and cock-blocker), and the later role is usually just a horrible one to play. It's one where she says "don't let me make mistakes" but of course, she WANTS to make mistakes, so you end up the glowering bad guy. It sucks, but in a group of 5, you're likely to have 4-5 singles, one of whom is a scout and the other of whom is going to be the most protective of the group (hence, the cock-blocker).

      In non-bar social situations, a group of girls out and about might actually be looking for guys. Being with a group of guys can help, but being a loner with a girl wingman is an easier in to have the opportunity to attempt to work 4 girls. Two guys (a second wingman plus your girl wingman) is an even better option, assuming both guys are single. Girls will assume that one of the two guys is dating the girl, and the other is looking.

      The scout is the first girl who will approach you (particularly if you're in an all-male group or alone), and she's usually burdened with this job and not interested herself. She mostly has been pushed into the roll by her "more shy" single friends who want to meet guys but don't want to be awkward around them by approaching them.

      Enter me, who didn't care either way because I wasn't looking for dates.

      Anyway, end of the day, your female wingman can get you into a social group providing you access to 4-5 single females, and it's good to have some buddies on your speed dial so that you can call them over if you make a big hit. "Do you have any friends" will be what the other girls will ask, and you'd better have some available to come within about 2 hrs, or make another date with the group of them at a later time with these friends.

      At this point, female wingman has done her job. Once you have number(s), she can go "right, I have to work in the morning, I'm heading home." And she's out. You're left with the girls, and if you had guys on dial, they'll come too.

      If you can get through the banter, you'll be good.

      She'll start looking into what she's looking for when you are dating. When you should be too. So know what you are looking for ahead of time, and you'll do ok.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by magnolia1973 View Post
        Mr Anthony..... he has the right idea. Be confident, but not an ass. Funny never hurts.
        Yep. Confidence is soooooo important. There is a line between confident and arrogant asshole, though. Try not to cross it.
        F 28/5'4/100 lbs

        "I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath; do your research."

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        • #19
          From the perspective of a newly divorced woman who has not been in the dating game for decades, I know for me, I'm perfectly fine with being single for now unless a guy really 'wow's me. By 'wow', I do NOT mean muscle-flexxing or telling me about huge bank accounts, haha, but I just mean by showing good manners, having a sense of humor, open-minded, well groomed, respectful and courteous and compassionate (no laughing when an old person falls or something, ), and a sense of adventure. To me, everything else is secondary. I mean, I do think there has to be some physical chemistry, but the other stuff really contributes to that, too.

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          • #20
            There is a line between confident and arrogant asshole, though.
            Yeah, I think that line is humor.

            Also.... ummm..... well, shop your market. I have a lot of girlfriends who are always single with impossibly high standards. That sweet, funny, wealthy, smart sexy guy probably isn't going to go for the frumpy cat lady. I know some great guys that have a "flaw" or two (basically not college educated). They are funny, sweet, attractive, FUN and stable, yet my girlfriends REFUSE to date them because they "lack a degree". It's stupid. They are alone at 40 because the guys they go after date women in their 20's because they have the money to. And well, I watch my guy friends date hot 20 year olds with slamming bodies then bitch about them 1. wanting kids, 2. complaining about money not being spent or 3. being immature.

            There are some great men and women who aren't 10's

            http://maggiesfeast.wordpress.com/
            Check out my blog. Hope to share lots of great recipes and ideas!

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            • #21
              I just want to throw a cent into the discussion of 'girl' vs 'woman'. I actually know a female who was referred to as a 'woman' by a guy who was hitting on her. She felt offended because she thought he was implying she was really old. She was in her early 20's. Whether or not a person prefers the word 'girl' or 'woman' is personal and, sometimes, the words are interchangeable. There seem to me like there's less difference between 'girl' and 'woman' than there is between 'boy' and 'man', at least if the woman is young.

              Not saying that you shouldn't treat your fellow, adult members of humankind with respect and equality. Especially if you're looking to get laid. I'm just saying.


              As for myself... You'll go a long way with self esteem and respect. The lesser pieces of personality are usually possible to work around, as long as you're not a total asshat, or treats me like some sort of cheap property.

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              • #22
                Funny thread Obviously I am fine with girl... even though I am 54.

                I agree with the well groomed, ultra clean. Can have day old beard but better smell good. Naturalness is important, a nice easy smile and just general conversation, chat, and showing caring interest about the people and world around you. Not specifically, I am trying to pick you up
                Started Primal June 2012 at 148.5lbs, and 5' 1", reached goal weight in 5 months.
                Lowest weight 93lbs - too thin. Now stable at around 100lbs much better weight for me at my age.
                Primal, minus eggs, dairy and a myriad of other allergens.

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                • #23
                  You're going the wrong way about it.
                  Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
                  Starting Weight: 294 pounds
                  Current Weight: 235 pounds
                  Goal Weight: 195 pounds

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                  • #24
                    Massive thanks to all the replies. I think any man will find them very useful.

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                    • #25
                      What I find attractive is when a guy seems happy and confident, smiles a lot, and seems to have a sense of adventure. I prefer to meet people by attending activities that I enjoy and just talking to people during the activity. One thing I like when I talk to people is that they really listen. When people talk to me I listen closely, and if it turns out they don't listen back, that they just talk to fill up the empty spaces, that really bothers me. Some people don't really care about that and are perfectly happy just filling up the air with words. I let those people find each other. So basically just be yourself and do things you enjoy so that when you meet someone they will know the real you.
                      Female, 5'3", 50, Max squat: 202.5lbs. Max deadlift: 225 x 3.

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