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  • #16
    Originally posted by orielwen View Post
    My husband and I started this together a few months ago. We've both seen good results, but I think it's benefited him more than me. I've had a bit of an uncomfortable gut since a little before starting this and it hasn't gone away. I do wonder whether it's gluten-related, but haven't been able to cut it out for much more than a week at a time to test. (A blood test for coeliac recently came back negative.) The trouble is that he's the cook, and although he sees and extols the benefits of this way of eating, he doesn't believe gluten and grains have much to do with it: he thinks it's all about carbs. So he thinks nothing of buying sausages with breadcrumbs in, or adding a little flour to thicken a sauce.

    And when we have guests round, as we will on Sunday, he uses that as an excuse to cook all the pasta and fancy pastries that he's been denying himself. I feel rather undermined by this, not only because it's another setback in trying to discover whether my gut problems are gluten-related but because I talk about how good eating lots of meat and vegetables is to my friends, but when they come to visit we feed them pasta and pastries. Hardly a good advertisement.

    I'm not a very assertive person and have already tried to persuade him to avoid the flour, without success. So what, if anything, should I do about it?
    I'm giving your husband the benefit of the doubt here. It may be that he does not know how much cooking pasta for friends on Sundays is upsetting for you.

    Sit your husband down, in a calm manner, and start the conversation like this:

    "Honey, I'm looking forward to having our friends over on Sunday. You are such a great cook, and it's really enjoyable for me to have you cook while I enjoy conversation with our friends." (step 1: Provide a compliment).

    Honey, I'm not sure whether you are aware of how how proud I am of us becoming part of the paleo community. I feel empowered to be moving towards greater health. I also find the transition to greater health a little challenging.

    Step 2: Communicate the problem:
    "Honey, I feel frustrated with pasta menu on Sundays. It's hard for me to not eat the pasta, given all the work that you put into cooking it, however at the same time, I know that I won't feel well on Monday, if I eat that yummy pasta. I wish I didn't have this problem because it's causing me stress. Also, if I decide not to eat the pasta, I feel that it could make our guests feel awkward.

    Step 3: Ask for help in solving this problem:
    "Honey, I need your help and support in keeping me on the path to greater health through the paleo lifestyle. I wonder if we could think of a Sunday menu that would satisfy our paleo lifestyle, and be tasty for our friends and family. Could we table some ideas for a new Sunday menu? I sure appreciate your help with this."

    Step 4: Thank your husband and re-iterate how much he means to you.
    "Honey, thanks for listening and appreciating my concerns: Means the world to me. I'm going to order one of Mark Sisson's paleo cookbooks now, to help us menu plan for Sundays. **kiss kiss**

    A woman should not consider herself 'assertive' when asking her spouse for support. If I were your guest and I noticed that you were eating something different than what you cooked me --- well, I'd be wondering why that is and it would make me feel awfully weird. Ask your husband to make the pasta as a side dish to a main that you can all enjoy.

    Cheers/lu
    ----------------------------------------
    F, 48, 5'10"
    Start Date: 25-06-12 @ 161lbs
    Goal Reached: 30-09-12 @ 143lb. Now bouncing between 145lb - 149lb. I'd like less bounce and more consistency :-)

    Started Cross Fit 20.12.12 ---- Can't wait to submit my success story on the 1st anniversary of starting primal.

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    • #17
      emasculate him, and twist while you are doing it
      "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

      ...small steps....

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      • #18
        OP. Are you for real?
        Everything is bad for something - How do you feel today?

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        • #19
          Yeah, why not give your guests some options? Grill some steaks alongside the pasta, let your guests choose. Who's to say all your guests will like pasta?
          F 28/5'4/100 lbs

          "I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath; do your research."

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          • #20
            Make pasta and spaghetti squash and let guests make a choice of what they want for their sauce. Or buy einkorn pasta - a lesser evil to modern wheat. I've used it for family and they can't tell the difference. There is white and whole wheat.

            White Einkorn Spaghetti

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            • #21
              I believe that you need to do what's good for you, with all the squash in season you could always prepare a butternut or something and reserve some of the meat sauce to pour over it, and maybe make a primal desert. If friends ask about it, let them know that you want to stick to your guns and get grains and all other non primal foods out of your diet. And the reason for the pasta is that your husband and yourself want to make sure that they are satisfied with there meal. This reply is my first, just going primal this week, I know that this is the right step for me, always think of other People, but always do what is right for you. Grok on!

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              • #22
                Seriously...

                This falls into the realm of get over it.

                The polls choices are all obnoxious, IMO. You don't have to explain, lie, or shame yourself to stick with your lifestyle. Just quietly eat what you like and when the inevitable "are you doing Atkin's blahblahblah" comes up, just say you only eat clean, whole foods. It's the complete truth. Also, telling people you're gluten intolerant just means they're going to be thoughtful enough to bring GF baked goods for dessert next time.

                Eat the sauce. Grill a steak or five. Make a nice salad, and serve fresh berries with coconut cream for dessert. And don't raise a big stink about to DH or your guests. Adults don't have to eat things they don't want. And everyone doesn't have to cater to your preferences.
                “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

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                • #23
                  Every time I think 'Well maybe I'll be really ill afterwards and he'll notice that it's bad for me', but he doesn't, and to be fair I'm not always really ill afterwards – there isn't a clear correlation. So maybe I am making a fuss over nothing.

                  Part of the trouble is that we don't have a lot of spare cash, so steak for seven just isn't an option. But it's mainly that he wants to make pasta. And I do mean make pasta. From flour and eggs and all that stuff. So it's nicer than shop-bought stuff, but it's still pasta. He says he 'wants to get through the flour' (we bought a big 25kg bag of it for him to make pasta and pizza with, just weeks before changing our diet). I know he'll be offended if I take the sauce and refuse his pasta. I'm just a wimp.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by orielwen View Post
                    Every time I think 'Well maybe I'll be really ill afterwards and he'll notice that it's bad for me', but he doesn't, and to be fair I'm not always really ill afterwards – there isn't a clear correlation. So maybe I am making a fuss over nothing.
                    I don't think your making a fuss at all. Even though you don't double over in pain if you eat a pastry or something doesn't mean its not having an effect on you, and if your husband has at least a general knowledge of how primal works or if he has at least read the book I think he should know that.



                    I don't think making a meal for myself if he wants to make pasta for himself and the guest so bad. That might look obnoxious to the other guests but I wouldn't care. I just hate feeling pressured to eat something, even if its healthy or not.

                    Originally posted by orielwen View Post
                    I know he'll be offended if I take the sauce and refuse his pasta. I'm just a wimp.
                    Meh if he doesn't understand where your coming from, let him be offended? lol Maybe he'll get over it once he makes something primal and you eat it. Be extra grateful lol

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                    • #25
                      Grow some balls.
                      Everything is bad for something - How do you feel today?

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by orielwen View Post
                        Every time I think 'Well maybe I'll be really ill afterwards and he'll notice that it's bad for me', but he doesn't, and to be fair I'm not always really ill afterwards – there isn't a clear correlation. So maybe I am making a fuss over nothing.

                        Part of the trouble is that we don't have a lot of spare cash, so steak for seven just isn't an option. But it's mainly that he wants to make pasta. And I do mean make pasta. From flour and eggs and all that stuff. So it's nicer than shop-bought stuff, but it's still pasta. He says he 'wants to get through the flour' (we bought a big 25kg bag of it for him to make pasta and pizza with, just weeks before changing our diet). I know he'll be offended if I take the sauce and refuse his pasta. I'm just a wimp.
                        What exactly do you want to hear? From where I'm sitting, I'd say grow up and be responsible for yourself. It's not your husband's job to control what you do or do not eat. It's not his job to protect you from yourself!!

                        Do what you want. Eat the pasta or don't eat the pasta~ stop looking for permission, stop trying to justify.

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                        • #27
                          I'm honestly not sure exactly what I want to hear. I'm not looking for permission or trying to justify. I honestly don't know whether this is worth making a fuss over, or whether I should just suck it up.

                          I think I'd feel a lot better if I actually knew that wheat was a problem for me. Because I don't have any hard evidence that it does, I feel I shouldn't protest too much about it.
                          Last edited by orielwen; 10-27-2012, 09:11 AM.

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                          • #28
                            I think I will at least try to ask him to serve the pasta and the sauce separately rather than stirring it all up together in the pan.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by orielwen View Post
                              I'm honestly not sure exactly what I want to hear. I'm not looking for permission or trying to justify. I honestly don't know whether this is worth making a fuss over, or whether I should just suck it up.

                              I think I'd feel a lot better if I actually knew that wheat was a problem for me. Because I don't have any hard evidence that it does, I feel I shouldn't protest too much about it.
                              If you continue to eat gluten grains, you will never know. I had no idea it was gluten that caused my eczema. It wasn't until my system/skin was totally clear and then I ate wheat and broke out the next day that I knew for sure. BTW~ this was about 20 years ago, when everybody was first pushing *healthy whole grains*

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                              • #30
                                I can appreciate where your husband is coming from now that you explained that he's making the pasta with such good ingredients. I'm a former chef and I was known for my wild yeast sourdough. It was a demarcation and a sign of my commitment to primal eating when I dumped my sourdough. He enjoys the kudos he will certainly receive from his pasta dinner and he doesn't want to waste the flour. We too had a 25# of organic flour when we made the commitment. We've sealed the flour in 5# bags and are keeping them for emergencies.

                                I think you should talk to him and say you'd like this to be a last hurrah to pasta and pastries. You can decide for yourself whether you want to eat it or not. He needs to get a little more understanding about the destructive nature of wheat, maybe read Wheat Belly. And then the 2 of you can do some research and find some tasty primal recipes for your next dinner party.
                                Recently I made lasagna with butternut squash instead of pasta and it was delicious. I really think he should look at designing
                                a primal dinner as a fun challenge not a limitation. I've come up with so many tasty recipes I honestly doubt that any one would realize that they were eating a primal dinner, they would just be so happy to eat such a tasty meal.
                                Life is death. We all take turns. It's sacred to eat during our turn and be eaten when our turn is over. RichMahogany.

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