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Polyamoruous Love Sickness: Can This Be Primal?

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  • Polyamoruous Love Sickness: Can This Be Primal?

    This is my first post and it will be rambling. I'm pretty sure I'm just venting to myself, but I also have some hope that I'm not alone.

    Some background: Iím 44 and very happily married. Our marriage is no utopia, to be sure, but the companionship, conversation, sexÖeverythingÖis still supremely satisfying and still improving. Iíve also been Primal/Paleo-ish for 4 years and have the physique to match, so I get plenty of attention from women, often staggeringly attractive younger women. This makes it surprisingly easy to resist temptation because I just donít feel I need that kind of validation. So, my intention is not to be boastful, but to make it clear that Iím not a typical candidate for midlife infidelity.

    For 24 years I have been unflinchingly loyal to my wife and have no intention of ever compromising that. But something has changed.

    Somehow, there isÖAnother Woman. A woman who I love as deeply and in the same way as my wife. I donít love her ďas a friendĒ, although she is a dear one. I donít merely lust after her, though I could look at her face all day and, make no mistake, I think about it. All. The. Time. I canít sleep, or concentrate. I have a constant lump in my throat. Hell, my blood pressure, which is usually on the low side, is waayy up (itís almost ďnormal!Ē). I am in love with two women. I am in love with one of my wife's best friends. And I love my wife no less for it.

    This is unbelievably uncomfortable in so many ways. Iím all kinds of depressed. But Iím wondering, if this is such a powerful feeling, is there an evolutionary reason for it, or am I just a perv? And, ladies, does this make me a bad man?

  • #2
    I can't speak to the evolutionary aspect, since I haven't studied that.

    I don't think your feelings make you a bad man or a perv. It depends what you do about your feelings that will make you "bad" or "good." And that also depends on how we define bad and good in our culture, and why they are defined that way...

    At the very least (and I am sure that there will be varying opinions on this) I think if you intend on acting on your feelings of love/lust for this other woman that you owe your wife some honesty, since she is the one you have made a public commitment to.
    Female, age 51, 5' 9"
    SW - 183 (Jan 22, 2012), CW - 159, GW - healthy.

    Met my 2012 goals by losing 24 pounds.
    2013 goals are to get fit and strong!

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    • #3
      Primal or not primal it's perfectly natural to feel that way. The first question on your wife's lips won't be "Is this primal or not?" if she finds out about your situation the wrong way. I think that if she's friends with your wife then there is no way if you cross the line that she won't find out at some point.
      http://www.facebook.com/daemonized

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      • #4
        Originally posted by jojohaligo View Post

        ...At the very least (and I am sure that there will be varying opinions on this) I think if you intend on acting on your feelings of love/lust for this other woman that you owe your wife some honesty, since she is the one you have made a public commitment to.

        Originally posted by Daemonized View Post
        Primal or not primal it's perfectly natural to feel that way. The first question on your wife's lips won't be "Is this primal or not?" if she finds out about your situation the wrong way. I think that if she's friends with your wife then there is no way if you cross the line that she won't find out at some point.
        I don't intend to cross any lines. I respect both women, and their friendship, too much. But the Other Woman is very close, both geographically and emotionally. And we sometimes drink together. In front of the firepit. I've been avoiding those situations lately.

        Mostly I'm just stunned that the feelings for both can be so strong at the same time. What's left of the Midwestern Catholic in me has a hard time believing it's possible. Shouldn't there be something substantially "wrong" with my marriage for me to want something other than sex (or simple friendship) from another woman?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by LordPistacchio View Post
          I don't intend to cross any lines. I respect both women, and their friendship, too much. But the Other Woman is very close, both geographically and emotionally. And we sometimes drink together. In front of the firepit. I've been avoiding those situations lately.

          Mostly I'm just stunned that the feelings for both can be so strong at the same time. What's left of the Midwestern Catholic in me has a hard time believing it's possible. Shouldn't there be something substantially "wrong" with my marriage for me to want something other than sex (or simple friendship) from another woman?
          Nothing more primal then spreading your seed.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by LordPistacchio View Post
            IMostly I'm just stunned that the feelings for both can be so strong at the same time. What's left of the Midwestern Catholic in me has a hard time believing it's possible. Shouldn't there be something substantially "wrong" with my marriage for me to want something other than sex (or simple friendship) from another woman?
            No, there doesn't have to be something wrong to feel something for someone else. Love is a chemicaly driven emotion that we feel not a everlasting all conquering magical force that's then elevated to invincible by a ceremony in a church followed by a vacation.
            http://www.facebook.com/daemonized

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            • #7
              Originally posted by mostofthetime7 View Post
              Nothing more primal then spreading your seed.
              If only it were simple lust. I'm perfectly willing to emulate seed-spreading...by myself

              Originally posted by Daemonized View Post
              No, there doesn't have to be something wrong to feel something for someone else. Love is a chemicaly driven emotion that we feel not a everlasting all conquering magical force that's then elevated to invincible by a ceremony in a church followed by a vacation.
              I understand what you're saying. It's just that what I have with my wife still feels everlasting and all-conquering. The only time I stop being lovesick for Other Woman is when I'm alone with my wife. Hell, maybe I'm just a reincarnated Mormon.

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              • #8
                Mormonism does not condone plural marriage anymore. "Officially" not since the late 19th century.

                What are you asking here? I think you need to talk to your wife. If you have really made a commitment to her, it would not be fair for you to even consider acting on your feelings for Other Woman without consulting her. But that's just how I feel about it. Personally, it would be soul-crushing to find out that my man felt that way about another woman, even IF he felt that way about me as well. But it is natural, we're just taught that it's wrong.
                Depression Lies

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                • #9
                  I would disagree. Don't talk to your wife about it unless you plan on making changes in your marriage that effect her. You could cause more damage than you would be fixing. Just know that it's natural and okay to feel attraction to other women and accept and deal with it.
                  http://www.facebook.com/daemonized

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                  • #10
                    I hope I've made it clear, and if not I'll say it again, I have no intention of acting on this.

                    But namelesswonder, I think you understand the implied issue and it's why I'm putting this in front of complete strangers. I can't tell my wife because she would, indeed, be crushed. Although she knows their's a "special bond", She's someone who's certain of only a few things: the sun comes up in the East, we're all gonna die and her husband is always loyal. Other Woman knows and feels similarly, but is equally at a loss - aaannnd equally married (although her husband's a clueless douche and no one involved really cares what he thinks. ever.)

                    I fully understand that no one can really help me. I just want the mental anguish to go away without having to resort to isolating myself from Other Woman, who is an old and dear friend.

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                    • #11
                      First off, I want to say that I think what you are going through is perfectly normal human feeling, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and I don't think you've done anything wrong. You can't stop yourself from falling in love with someone. It's not under your control, and the fact that you are clearly struggling to find the correct way to behave in order to avoid hurting anyone you love is admirable and honorable.

                      That said, you've got a few options here, the way I see it.

                      1) The status quo. Continue denying yourself, don't act on your feelings, and keep seeing Other Woman (OW) in a friendly capacity. In this scenario you run the serious risk of cheating on your wife at some point even if you don't really intend to--assuming your attraction is reciprocated--with all the consequences.

                      2) The illicit affair. Cheat on your wife with OW. Obviously this is not a good option since you'd be betraying your wife's trust and hurting her very badly if she finds out. And, you run a serious risk of hurting OW as well if she wants to be your only partner and you're not willing to leave your wife, which you clearly don't want to do. But it is of course an option that is available and as such needs to be considered, if only to be discounted.

                      3) The straight and narrow. Tell your wife how you feel about OW, and ask her to help you sort the situation out. Here of course the consequences depend heavily on how understanding, open-minded and prone to jealousy your wife is, and how diplomatic you are. This is probably the most honorable option IMO, but it is obviously fraught with peril. The consequences could range anywhere from your wife leaving you, to your wife telling you she doesn't want you to see OW anymore, to the one in a million chance of your wife being OK with entering a polyamorous relationship with OW, to the significantly more likely chance of your wife being OK with you having a discreet side relationship with OW as long as you don't leave or neglect her (and any children--not clear on whether you have any). Neither of those last two is particularly likely, though. And of course there's always the chance that your wife could say she's OK with it but would actually come to resent the situation deeply. This one is very up in the air depending on everyone's personalities.

                      4) The tactical retreat. Don't tell your wife, but stop seeing OW entirely. Obviously this is more or less feasible depending on how exactly you know OW. You mentioned she is your wife's good friend so this may not be possible. If it is, though, it would be a good chance to see if your feelings cool with distance and perspective, or whether they remain undeniable in her absence, and then you might be better-equipped to proceed, having learned a little more about yourself.

                      I wish I could give you wise advice on which course is best but ultimately that's up to you, your wife and OW. I would advise against straight-up cheating, though. I want to tell you to come clean with your wife and let the cards fall where they will, but that's easy to say when it's not my marriage on the line.

                      Best of luck, friend.
                      Today I will: Eat food, not poison. Plan for success, not settle for failure. Live my real life, not a virtual one. Move and grow, not sit and die.

                      My Primal Journal

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                      • #12
                        Lord P, two things occur to me:

                        1. Maybe you should talk to a counselor and learn techniques that can help you deal with and/or eliminate these feelings. (Cognitive therapy is used for a great many things and it might help you.)

                        2. I've read that a part of physical attraction is because of pheromones. Google it and see if there are any answers for you there.

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                        • #13
                          It sounds to me as though you've achieved emotional intimacy with the other woman, which, some people would consider cheating.
                          Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
                          Starting Weight: 294 pounds
                          Current Weight: 235 pounds
                          Goal Weight: 195 pounds

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Uncephalized View Post

                            1) The status quo. Continue denying yourself...This is what I've been trying for 3 years. I've been successful so far but it's painful, for both of us I think

                            2) The illicit affair. Cheat on your wife with OW...This will not happen. Absolutely everyone gets hurt in this scenario, because OW is not only a close friend to both of us she is a neighbor and her kids play with ours (yes we have kids)

                            3) The straight and narrow. Tell your wife how you feel about OW...Honorable perhaps, but I'd rather continue to feel like crap than hurt my wife this way. Although I think it's odd she doesn't sense it...

                            4) The tactical retreat. Don't tell your wife, but stop seeing OW entirely...Tactically implausible due to the neighbors/kids thing

                            Best of luck, friend.
                            Thank You. It's at least something to think about.

                            Originally posted by Goldie View Post
                            Lord P, two things occur to me:

                            1. Maybe you should talk to a counselor and learn techniques that can help you deal with and/or eliminate these feelings. (Cognitive therapy is used for a great many things and it might help you.)

                            2. I've read that a part of physical attraction is because of pheromones. Google it and see if there are any answers for you there.
                            It's actually getting painful enough that it might be worth a try with a counselor.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by kenn View Post
                              It sounds to me as though you've achieved emotional intimacy with the other woman, which, some people would consider cheating.
                              So is the idea that I should feel bad, or more like: "Screw it! If I'm cheating anyway, I might as well get me some!"?

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