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It's one thing for me but...what about the kid??

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  • It's one thing for me but...what about the kid??

    ARGH, bit frustrated here. The other day my ten year old daughter tells me she's going primal and that bread gives her heartburn! YAY!

    So this is all great until she goes to my best friend's place to stay with her daughter, and she announces that she's going primal like her mum. Well, my friend first says "but you don't need to lose weight" . Yes, I am losing weight through primal BUT to me it's not all about weight loss, but about eating a way I can eat FOREVER without cravings etc. etc. and giving my body the right nutrients.

    Anyway, my friend seems to "tolerate" this about me... but complains she can't feed me (even though I've said "I just don't eat grains and sugar! You can just feed me normal food!!"), but flat out has told my daughter that she has to eat what she's given, whether she likes it or not. GRR.

    Look I get it... I know people don't wanna go out and buy a whole bunch of stuff to feed one or two "fussy" people. But geez, how hard can it be to just give her meat and veg and forego breads and stuff?? (My daughter now says that bread and pasta gives her heartburn, so this is part of the reason why she wants to give them up).

    The thing is, while I can go there and turn down bad food, if my daughter goes there to stay, they're going to have to feed her (or she'll go hungry), and I don't want to put them out... I could offer to send food along with her (so she can have her breakfast bacon ) I guess, but at the same time that seems a little rude as well (I know my friend would perceive it as rude... as she likes to feed people!).

    I just find it a little disrespectful. I don't want people to go out of their way for me, but I do like them to respect what I eat, not just get a "well we don't eat that way in this house!!" comment (which is what my daughter got). But at the same time... I kinda get it. If someone's staying at my house, they eat what I feed them. That's it. If they have an allergy or something, I'm obviously going to cater to it. That being said, if I had a vegetarian kid staying at my house, I wouldn't force them to eat meat! But in general, I'll just feed them what I feed my kids and expect them to deal. And I guess my friend is the same way - she has a meal she wants to feed herself and her child, and expects any visiting children to eat the same meal.

  • #2
    You probably find it a little disrespectful because IT IS!

    If her kid came over to your house and said "I can't eat chocolate because it gives me a migraine", would you say "You'll eat what I give you!" and hand her a chocolate bar? Of course not.

    Wheat causes her physical pain - trust me, I've had the ER give me morphine for heartburn once, and I've had 2 large babies with no drugs, so I'm no wimp. Has your daughter explained that to her?

    At age 10, it's tough because you're still learning to be a human all on your own and not an extension of your parents. It's tough to stand up for yourself when a (supposedly) grownup tells you you're being stupid, but it's a good lesson to learn.

    I would gave a talk with the other mom, explain that this isn't a healthy child trying to lose weight or anything, it's a food sensitivity. Then try sending your daughter with some Lara bars or good beef jerky or some other food that doesn't need refrigeration. Have her just pass on the foods that have wheat, and tell her to call you if this other mom gives her flack about it so you can pick her up.

    Alternatively, have her daughter come to your home instead.

    I definitely think focusing on the "food intolerance" side of it will get you a lot further.

    But she may just be an obnoxious, controlling person, in which case you will have to decide if you want that in your life.


    • #3
      I agree with RitaRose, don't put a label on your child's eating, she has clear issues with wheat and bread so focus on that when she goes over, most parents don't want to make a child sick.
      If it is just the bread and wheat based products and can tolerate rice etc that can be an alternative side that she can have when she goes out.
      Eating primal is not a diet, it is a way of life.
      Don't forget to play!


      • #4
        You forgot the first rule of primal: You do not talk about primal.
        I used to seriously post here, now I prefer to troll.


        • #5
          Originally posted by iniQuity View Post
          You forgot the first rule of primal: You do not talk about primal.
          LOL - how very true :-)


          • #6
            If your daughter is getting heartburn when eating wheat, she should have a coeliac screen, to rule it out, as this is a potential coeliac symptom. It shouldn't be cut from her diet before it is established that she isn't coeliac or that she might be. The blood test is pretty accurate, so long as the diet contains wheat gluten.

            It's hard to diagnose if you cut gluten completely, believe me, I've been through it, elimination diet, then my doctor suspected coeliac, had to gluten challenge twice to get the diagnosis and I was very ill both times. It gets worse the longer you don't eat gluten as well, so getting the blood test now will rule it in or out.

            The result may well be the same either way, and some people insist you don't need a diagnosis, but for children I think it does matter, she's ten years old and she might one day fancy some birthday cake at a party or something. If she has an intolerance, she will feel unwell for a bit, which is unpleasant, but if she is coeliac and doesn't know it, it will do damage to her gut. And either way, if she's got an intolerance or coeliac, then your friends should have the respect not to feed your child wheat/gluten.

            Unfortunately, I would think that your friend probably thinks your child is wanting to avoid wheat/go primal because you do, and may be thinking "monkey see, monkey do". And don't forget, that's possible. Kids often want to emulate their parents, sometimes to seek approval, sometimes to feel closer to their parent if they are doing the same things, particularly the parent of the same gender. So I think you should have this checked out, just to be sure she isn't actually coeliac. And if she doesn't want to go to the doctor or have the test, then you will probably know she doesn't really have a problem with wheat, and she wants to avoid wheat for other reasons, ie because she wants to be the same as Mum.

            Don't get me wrong, I don't think wheat is healthy, or I wouldn't be on here doing primal, and I do think your friend is wrong not to respect how your family eats, the example of a vegetarian child being fed meat is a good one perhaps to cite to her if you tackle her about it. But I think you should investigate any possible cause of digestive distress when eating wheat before allowing a ten year old to eliminate a food from their diet completely. JMO.


            • #7
              I dont let either of my kiddos have wheat and in the past have gotten a lot of flack from family members (probably a lot more talking behind my back!) I still dont trust my MIL to feed kids --- so I usually send them over AFTER dinner...or you can easily pack a quick gluten free breakfast choice for her. Agree with having her stay at your house instead!

              I hate it when as adults we refuse to listen to what kids have to say. I never remember feeling "childish" or "little" in my mind and always wanted adults to listen and respect me.
              Check out my blog on nature and nurture!


              • #8
                Originally posted by iniQuity View Post
                You forgot the first rule of primal: You do not talk about primal.
                Haha the funny thing is, I don't . I never, ever said to my friend "I'm primal" I just said "I no longer eat grains or sugars". However, my daughter went there and announced "I'm primal now just like Mum!"

                I do think it's a good idea to get my daughter tested for intolerance to gluten. My friend's daughter can't eat a bunch of stuff due to allergies, so I'm sure if my daughter had a diagnosis my friend would understand and be more sympathetic instead of just thinking "she's copying her mum's stupid diet!" which is what I'm pretty sure she's got running through her head .


                • #9
                  I think your friend is just annoyed because she doesn't agree with your dietary choices. I know I get annoyed when people that I try to feed tell me they are vegetarians. I don't show it, but in my head I am just rolling my eyes. You just have to tell her that it doesn't really matter why you or you daughter are eating primally. It's your choice and it should, at the very least, be tolerated! Tell her to either give the kid some eggs or meat and veggies when she is there and if that is not possible then you will send food. I think straight forward is the best way to go.


                  • #10
                    Bah, I don't like the idea of people disrespecting dietary choices. My husband and I both have younger brothers, and I have younger cousins that like to come over. When they come over do I offer them what we're eating? Of course (and sometimes one of my cousins will eat it). But I also give them the option to have something that they'll actually eat regardless of what that might be.


                    • #11
                      We have similar issues with school, parties, grandparents etc --the way we figured to get by is to allow these things but where possible just to request they "go easy" on the bread/pasta if possible. The basic thought is that by being really strict we might make it hard for our kids in these situations, and they're young, a little bad stuff won't be too damaging in the greater scheme of things.

                      Having said that, if your kid has a reaction to some foods, WTF is up with someone feeding them that stuff? It makes no sense at all...

                      I hope you get this sorted out!


                      • #12
                        Look at it from the kid's point of view. She is trying to do what is healthy and your friend is forcing her to eat things that she believes are causes her pain (and they probably are causing her pain).
                        Not only will your friend screw her up physically, she will also give her psychological issues.
                        In all of the universe there is only one person with your exact charateristics. Just like there is only one person with everybody else's characteristics. Effectively, your uniqueness makes you pretty average.


                        • #13
                          Seriously if your "Friend" refuses to respect your child's clearly articulated personal choice.....

                          There are many megalomaniacs who's only targets are children.

                          this is not a light issue, how you treat the defenseless says too much about your personality and values.

                          this person is willing to ignore a child just because they are a child. what else are they capable of.
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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Iron Fireling View Post
                            The other day my ten year old daughter tells me she's going primal and that bread gives her heartburn!
                            Have you expressed this to your friend?


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by quelsen View Post
                              this is not a light issue, how you treat the defenseless says too much about your personality and values.

                              To the OP - I do think this is an important opportunity to teach your daughter how to stand up for herself, and it's something that's best done matter of fact and as opportunities arise. It's not easy, but it gets easier with practice.

                              I had to teach my son to stand up to his dad, who was using him as an outlet for his anger after we divorced. After a while, my son would get an upset stomach every time he knew his dad was picking him up. I am legally not allowed to prevent a visitation with my son as long as there is no abuse (CPS doesn't use my definition), but since he was 14, my son could refuse. I never told him what to do, just told him I would back him no matter what he wanted.

                              The next time his dad called before a visit, my son told him he was sick (hey, baby steps). My ex knew full well he wasn't, but it empowered my son to know he had a say in his own life, and it taught my ex that bullying was going to cost him a relationship with his son. Now, years later, they have a good relationship that is loving and respectful on both sides. And my son is able to stand up for himself (and others) easily.
                              Last edited by RitaRose; 10-03-2012, 04:24 PM.