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  • #31
    Even the post "Grow a pair or stop complaining" made me go "maybe it was a mistake to come back...?" And I totally understand why it was made, but, I dunno, cowardly and easily intimidated, and my self esteems taken a huge hit, so I just assume no one wants me around. Pretty much ever.
    oh stop that, i assume no one wants me around so i make sure i stay around. this is the intenet, it's just words on a screen

    that said, she's not being very respectful in what looks like ANY aspect of your relationship. my suggestion is write a letter, bullet points and everything
    beautiful
    yeah you are

    Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
    lol

    Comment


    • #32
      Yes, I agree. If you can't say it, write it.

      Besides it sounds as if you're an introspective person to begin with, maybe writing it out would be better. And then, you could always print it out, then read / say it to her, looking at the bullet points for a quick reminder on what you wanted to say next. Or if that is too difficult for you.

      Then you could just write her a letter and leave it for her. Start it out by saying something like. "I'm sorry that I wasn't able to bring up these things to you in person, but these are ongoing issues that have been weighing on me for some time. We've been together so long, I know you understand how difficult it is for me to deal with in person confrontation, so I really, really appreciate your understanding that I've put these things down on paper.

      "These items are important to me, and I'm not sure how to bring them up to you. Could we talk about the things I've written below tonight when I get home?.... etc."


      I don't know, I kind of think that if you write her a letter, that it will get some of the mis-communication that's been going on, out of the way, it might reduce some of the anxiety you're likely feeling around her preparing meals. But if you write, you should soften the intro, so that it's not a huge whammy out of no where. She likely thinks things are fine and has no clue that you're really upset over these things.

      Good luck!

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by Westly View Post
        How so?

        And, I'm just kind of a super coward, I'll be the first to admit it... I hate confrontation, and I did say I'd try to help her. I'll be the first to admit that I'm easily walked on... I kind of always have been. I don't really know how to 'grow a pair' or anything like that because in confrontations with people I care for, I just...don't do well. :/ I honestly don't know how to change it, and I think the whole "Stop complaining" has gotten me to the point I'm at now.
        I can actually help with that. Here's what you do: imagine an awesome version of yourself. This version of yourself is tough, confident and just plain bad-ass. Now pretend to be this person. When you're this person you're a god. Just remember that.
        In all of the universe there is only one person with your exact charateristics. Just like there is only one person with everybody else's characteristics. Effectively, your uniqueness makes you pretty average.

        Comment


        • #34
          Thank you all for your suggestions.

          I have written her in the past. She also prefers to use IM because I'm apparently 'intimidating' (How can someone 5'2" and 255lbs be intimidating?) She knows where the problems lie, but, like a lot of you have said, I don't think she really cares for me...

          ::sighs:: Anyway, I'm going to be putting all of your advice into practice. I'm going to start daily meditations to try to buck myself up, and get my self-esteem where it was before all of my relationships fell through. And then, no more dating for me. Not for a long, long time.
          Down from 275 to 250!
          Werewolf Primal Living Blog - http://lycanthropology.com
          Some fact, a lot of fiction! Keep track of my progress there!

          Comment


          • #35
            She can't cook properly, dosen't work and is lazy on the housework?

            What a gem.

            Surely you can do better, yes?
            Last edited by Legbiter; 10-04-2012, 12:46 PM.

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by Westly View Post
              Thank you all for your suggestions.

              I have written her in the past. She also prefers to use IM because I'm apparently 'intimidating' (How can someone 5'2" and 255lbs be intimidating?) She knows where the problems lie, but, like a lot of you have said, I don't think she really cares for me...

              ::sighs:: Anyway, I'm going to be putting all of your advice into practice. I'm going to start daily meditations to try to buck myself up, and get my self-esteem where it was before all of my relationships fell through. And then, no more dating for me. Not for a long, long time.
              She IM's you while you are both in the same house, and dating? I mean hell me and my roomie do that but we are hella computer nerdy. >.> For a couple, that is decidedly odd.

              I just sound like such a judgey douche right now, but man. I am judging. You can do SO MUCH better. You sound like a sweet person. Get with someone who appreciates it.
              yay!

              Comment


              • #37
                Hi Westly,

                I can actually relate. I spent alot of time in bad relationships when I was younger, in part because I didn't know or expect anything better. And I have, in the past, had alot of trouble standing up for myself (and still struggle at times.)

                Here are some thoughts:

                1. Confrontation does not have to be mean or threatening. You can be very considerate and respectful, while still "confronting" someone and discussing issues.

                You might want to look for an "Assertiveness" class in your area. I took one, and it was *awesome*.

                2. I'm sure you've thought of this already, but consider finding a *good* therapist (it's a bit hard, but maybe ask around or look online for referrals?) A bad one is a waste of money, but a good one should be able to help you understand where all this is coming from, why you are having problems respecting yourself, and how to appropriately handle the situation.

                They can also be great for roleplaying scary situations ahead of time, so you can practice standing up for yourself, for example.


                3. I think therapy/assertiveness, or something else that requires real action would be better than meditating. Nothing against meditating, I like it! I just fear in this case, it might be easy for you to go to something safe and non-confrontational (go inside your head!) rather than take real action to solve the problem!

                4. There's a book called "The Tools" that I recently read and really liked (you may be able to find it at your local library).

                One of the things the authors talk about is that, as humans, we often try to avoid pain. (Not only avoid it, but replace it with things that give us positive, happy feelings - like chocolate, video games, drugs, sex, whatever.)

                The problem is, when you constantly avoid pain - your world basically gets smaller and smaller. You avoid more and more. You essentially cut yourself off from all of the potentially GREAT and AWESOME experiences you COULD have, that might require some pain/stress/anxiety to get started.

                The "exercise" they give to help with this (and really, the book explains all the whys and hows MUCH better) is to imagine your pain in physical form - as a big, ugly, gnarly black cloud in front of you. Think about something you're scared to do, like confront the girlfriend, and imagine that all those scared, anxious, uncomfortable feelings have materialized as the black cloud of doom.... really try to feel it as you look at the cloud.

                Then, imagine yourself saying... "I LOVE PAIN" (imagine screaming it!) ... repeat this as needed, build up your energy, and start imagining yourself saying, "BRING IT ON!" (You can probably alternate the two, that's what I do).

                You want to work up your energy here, and eventually, feel yourself PROPELLED INTO THE CLOUD OF PAIN, like a linebacker attacking... whatever linebackers attack

                And... you should get spit out the other side of the cloud, feeling good and ready to experience the GOOD things that are on the other side of pain.

                Sounds corny, but it can help. And again, the book really explains the logic alot better, and more thoroughly.

                5. Have you seen the many threads here about married people, where one person is healthy and primal and happy, but their spouse is a sick, wretched, miserable person who refuses to get on board?

                It sounds like torture. In most cases, they started out compatible, but one person decided to go down the path of health and happiness, and the other person just wouldn't budge.

                They're in a painful place - married.

                You're not yet married. Carefully consider, based on what you know about this person NOW, what your life with her will be like in the next year, the next 5 years, the next 20 years.

                I just hate to see you at a point where you can still make a huge difference in your future life, but staying because of... inertia? low self esteem?

                Now... imagine you've broken up with her. You're heartbroken for a little bit, sure, but its nothing you can't handle! You finally have the freedom to cook and eat what you want, without being weighed down by constant nagging, and without having to double your expenses by feeding someone that doesn't support you.

                You throw youself into primal eating, you begin to feel better about yourself, you get healthy, you feel awesome, and BAM! You find a lovely girl who's also into health and good food, AND who is compassionate, supports your endeavors, and makes your life EASIER rather than HARDER. (Because when you love someone, that's what you do!)

                Isn't that temporary pain worth that eventually awesomeness?!?

                Hope this helps, and gives you some things to think about. I agree with the others, it sounds like she's using you - and it makes me sad for you. Although, in the end, it's your choice. I just think that if you aren't willing to give up what you have now, you will never have room in your life for the awesome things you could have in the future!

                Best of luck to you working on all this! You can do it!

                Comment


                • #38
                  Wow jendoe. Now even I feel inspired!

                  I have to say this, without my boyfriend being so totally supportive as he is, I would never be able to stick to healthy eating. My family and friends all eat like shit, my roomie's diet is what I'd consider a train wreck. My boyfriend is supportive and encouraging in regards to my curiosity and insatiable desire to learn about cooking, what food does to us, etc. Without him there to say "you know what, you're doing great!" things would be soooo much harder in the face of all the other adversity we face in the world regarding our diet.
                  yay!

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Hi qqemokitty,

                    Thanks (and sorry I missed the reply until tonight). LOL I just hope Westly actually saw it. I think sometimes I get inspired to write these long (hopefully helpful!) posts, but I end up just a little too late... and miss the intended target :P LOL. My lot in life, apparently!

                    And, that's great that you've got such a supportive boyfriend! How lucky you are! I remember reading (a few years ago) about a study of couples. Basically, they said that there were 4 types of people:
                    - Active Positive
                    - Passive Positive
                    - Passive Negative
                    - Active Negative

                    People who were "actively positive" towards each other (for example, by supporting each others goals, making a point to celebrate each others' successes, and helping each other out) had the best relationships (of course!) It sounds like he's an "active positive" type. We need more of those ;-) !

                    Take care!

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Hey there Jendoe,

                      I sure did! In fact, I got the book you suggested and now I'm working my way through it! I've gotten past the first chapter, but I think I need to read it again.

                      I've been using the information gather my strength for later in the year.

                      I've also been more serious about my blogging, and my primal-ness. Primality? As you can see, we've got an awesome post about making trout, and I bought a bunch of other fish (Trout, Salmon, and Talapia! Along with some bacon wrapped chicken, and some Tom Kha Gai!)

                      Thank you for the suggestions, and We'll see how life goes!
                      Down from 275 to 250!
                      Werewolf Primal Living Blog - http://lycanthropology.com
                      Some fact, a lot of fiction! Keep track of my progress there!

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        I hear you on your dilemma. And it's not easy to just say beat it to someone you love over differences in food choices. But you seem to be quite unhappy as is, so something has to change. Regardless of whether she takes your eating habits seriously you need to have a serious talk with her about her only cooking for herself and not expecting you to eat leftovers as if you are the garbage disposal! If you treat your body like a garbage can for crap food just so it doesn't go bad, well, you know what happens. She obviously loves you if she has been with you for this long. I am sure there are things she thinks are important that you don't take seriously too, so just make it know to her that you don't need to to endorse your primal lifestyle, just to support you because YOU think it's important. That's part of being a couple... good luck to you both

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          I think we've got a lot of differences that just can't be beaten.

                          She's very CW, I'm really alternative. She knows certain food choices make her sick, but she just doesn't care. She'd rather eat the pizza that makes her so sick. Also, we have very different work ethics. As in, I go crazy without a job outside the home that's bringing in money to live, and she's perfectly happy expecting me to pay for everything, and blaming the fact the house is a mess on me 'making things intentionally difficult' (AKA I don't do EVERYTHING but put my laundry in the washer, IE pick it all up, put it in the basket, take it to the laundry room, when it's finished, I don't take it back to my room fold it, and put it away, for example) and then I have to "help" her do things like make her CW dinner...then make my own dinner...

                          We HAVE talked about this, and she says she's looking for work, but...It seriously doesn't take nine months to get a McJob in this area. She refuses to learn to drive, claiming anxiety, and she also refuses to walk to the bus to look for work down near the local mall, and I know that's hurting her job prospects, but... argh, whatever.

                          Anyway...I've got an ultimatum that I've given her, and we've been growing apart i the past month or so, probably because I'm not enabling her as much as I used to. I'm keeping up my end of the deal, I'm not mentioning the job, but sofar I have yet to see her keeping up with her end. (She claims that she doesn't like people to watch her work, and it's humiliating to put in all these applications and not get a call back, but...y'know, if she would just listen to me, I'm sure we could have her a job soon...and at least I'd feel better that she's DOING something...)

                          Ah I see myself alone for the rest of my life after this. And y'know, I'm cool with that.

                          I guess there's just challenges that we all must endure...
                          Down from 275 to 250!
                          Werewolf Primal Living Blog - http://lycanthropology.com
                          Some fact, a lot of fiction! Keep track of my progress there!

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            I'm sorry... but at least you are trying to make a change. You're deciding to fix it or end it. Good for you for not being willing to go on in an unhealthy relationship. I had to make that choice once too. I also said I would probably be alone forever after that ended and so far, two years later, I have been. I am okay with it. Only recently do I truly feel like I am in a place where I could even imagine dating again. Not because I was so heart broken or anything, just because I had to get to know myself better and know that I could be happy alone. That's the really awesome part though. The ability to be happy within yourself is one of the best qualities you can ask for in a person. It makes you a great partner and obviously it makes you great on your own! Best of both worlds if you see no changes or improvements in the relationship do yourself and her a favor and just end it. Rip off that band-aid in one pull. And after that limit contact with each other to necessity only. Take it from someone who STILL works with her ex that dumped her two years ago.

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                            • #44
                              Ah I see myself alone for the rest of my life after this. And y'know, I'm cool with that.
                              nah you'll eventually find the yin to your particular yang

                              but breaks from relationships are rarely a bad thing
                              beautiful
                              yeah you are

                              Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                              lol

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Well, I'm sorry your girlfriend can't make a compromise with you... it does sound as if you're better apart than together. I would go nuts with a partner who expected me to earn all the money and wouldn't pull their weight around the house (and made up stupid excuses for everything).

                                Still this doesn't mean you will be alone for ever Maybe just for some time to get yourself sorted out and back on your primal path! There may come a time when you meet someone who shares your worldview (at least in the parts that matter).

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