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Am I a jerk or is the GF crazy?

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  • #61
    To talk about the weight thing. . .or why women jump there. . .it's practically a reflex at this point.

    From a very young age, we are bombarded with images and ideas and what not that our inherent value is intrinsicly linked to the notion of female beauty du jour.

    No matter how much we work on it, no matter how aware we are of the impact of these images. . . honestly, no matter what. . . we fear being "ugly" which in turn makes us "useless." (See, our usefulness culturally is tied to whether or not we are meeting the beauty standard.)

    It's extremely frustrating to attempt to step out of this paradigm, because one way or another, we get reminded. We are mostly policed by other women, and for many of us, our masculine counterparts are a refuge from this storm. Well, if we are lesbians, then we might say that it's simply our partners that are our refuge.

    You see, having a partner means that you meet the beauty standard because someone likes you and wants you and thinks that you are attractive enough to have met the beauty standard. Therefore, you are useful.

    And, even when the relationship is established (like mine), I can still be sensitive to this sort of thing. I am particularly prone to it when I feel stressed and when I am struggling with something weight/health related.

    In this example, she was struggling with not having great post-workout recovery. This would demonstrate a lack of fitness, which also then classifies as a beauty marker in her particular world view (and yours). So, right there is a place where she's likely to be sensitive.

    What she really wanted to hear -- beyond the 'good lunch!' -- was "i wouldn't worry about it right now. you're very fit and strong, the workouts are getting tough, and on top of your current work load and stress, I wouldn't be surprised if that is part of the reason, you know?" (in person, not in text, because texting that much is a nightmare).

    Then it's saying "You are beautiful and fit and amazing, and I value you, and you have value." And then also doubling up with "It's no big deal that you're struggling with this right now, it's just due to the stress you are under from work, which will pass."

    She was likely fretting over it, and concerning herself with her fitness/rightness, and from there, she felt that her worst fears were concerned because, as a trigger word, "cortisol = fat/lazy" not "stress."

    Make any sense? Maybe not. But, I have to say that I'm prone to it a fair bit indeed.

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    • #62
      But that's just a really roudabout way of saying that she's projecting her own securities onto him and making him manage her own off-kilter emotions, which itself is problematic.

      And the idea that it's ok for women to do that because they're "emotional creatures" and aren't to be confused with silly things like logic and advice should be very offensive to intelligent women. It smells like patriarchy to me.
      “The whole concept of a macronutrient, like that of a calorie, is determining our language game in such a way that the conversation is not making sense." - Dr. Kurt Harris

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      • #63
        I didn't say it was right or ok, I was just saying what happens. Or rather, what I do and experience.

        Both men and women project their stuff onto others, and I was in no way stating that he should "manage" her -- but just recognize that this is a trigger for many women (and obviously for his girlfriend), so it's a good idea to just be mindful of that.

        It's also good to know that it's a trigger/projection, becuase then he doesn't have to ask "Am I being a jerk, or what?" He knows this isn't "his stuff," and he can manage the situation for himself (on his end) better.

        Also, it's just good information to know, in general. I know my husband's primary triggers, when he's projecting his stuff, etc, and I know when to say "you're projecting your stuff" and when to give him some space, and when to go gently with him and so on. That's also just part of being in a relationship. And yes, without co=dependency and related.

        But it's a heck of a lot nicer than the old concept: women are just crazy.

        We aren't crazy. Or everyone is crazy.

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        • #64
          My gf takes for fk'n ever to get ready and it drives me nuts! Not so much because it takes her forever to do w/e it's because she procrastinates like no other.

          /end rant

          In her defense she works full time and coaches and dj's on the weekend
          Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
          Starting Weight: 294 pounds
          Current Weight: 235 pounds
          Goal Weight: 195 pounds

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          • #65
            Originally posted by zoebird View Post
            Or everyone is crazy.
            It's definitely that one.
            Today I will: Eat food, not poison. Plan for success, not settle for failure. Live my real life, not a virtual one. Move and grow, not sit and die.

            My Primal Journal

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            • #66
              Originally posted by Chaohinon View Post
              But that's just a really roudabout way of saying that she's projecting her own securities onto him and making him manage her own off-kilter emotions, which itself is problematic.

              And the idea that it's ok for women to do that because they're "emotional creatures" and aren't to be confused with silly things like logic and advice should be very offensive to intelligent women. It smells like patriarchy to me.
              I hate it, personally (and being called a "lady - frack I hate that!). Keeping my emotions in check has actually helped me get through a bunch of crap in my life. Some of the men in my past are far more emotionally ruled than I am. I mean they make decisions based on their emotion rather than a rationally thought out conclusion. I don't think it's okay for women to do that, and I don't think it's okay for men to do that.
              Female, age 51, 5' 9"
              SW - 183 (Jan 22, 2012), CW - 159, GW - healthy.

              Met my 2012 goals by losing 24 pounds.
              2013 goals are to get fit and strong!

              Comment


              • #67
                Originally posted by Chaohinon View Post
                But that's just a really roudabout way of saying that she's projecting her own securities onto him and making him manage her own off-kilter emotions, which itself is problematic.

                And the idea that it's ok for women to do that because they're "emotional creatures" and aren't to be confused with silly things like logic and advice should be very offensive to intelligent women. It smells like patriarchy to me.

                ^This and more of this.

                and zoebird, I get what you are saying about triggers but I think she kind of jumped the shark on this one. It's not like he said, "Oh, you are having sardines for lunch? Only have two because, well, you know...." or "Great lunch! Make sure to do a few more lunges because your thighs, I mean, I love you honey..." He made a suggestion ref. post workout recovery which has nothing to do with weight, appearance, or fat.

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                • #68
                  You tried to fix her. She don't want to be fixed.



                  Women are nutz....but if you tell my wife I said that I'll deny ever word of it
                  Would I be putting a grain-feed cow on a fad diet if I took it out of the feedlot and put it on pasture eating the grass nature intended?

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                  • #69
                    Originally posted by canio6 View Post

                    and zoebird, I get what you are saying about triggers but I think she kind of jumped the shark on this one. It's not like he said, "Oh, you are having sardines for lunch? Only have two because, well, you know...." or "Great lunch! Make sure to do a few more lunges because your thighs, I mean, I love you honey..." He made a suggestion ref. post workout recovery which has nothing to do with weight, appearance, or fat.
                    Yes, it's definitely a logical leap. I didn't see it coming, myself, from his explanation. LOL

                    It's likely that she's making these leaps because she is under stress. Most people tend to "act out" and make such massive jumps when they are under stress. And we know she's under stress, so there you go.

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                    • #70
                      Originally posted by jojohaligo View Post
                      I hate it, personally (and being called a "lady - frack I hate that!). Keeping my emotions in check has actually helped me get through a bunch of crap in my life. Some of the men in my past are far more emotionally ruled than I am. I mean they make decisions based on their emotion rather than a rationally thought out conclusion. I don't think it's okay for women to do that, and I don't think it's okay for men to do that.
                      In that case I'm breaking up with mine
                      Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
                      Starting Weight: 294 pounds
                      Current Weight: 235 pounds
                      Goal Weight: 195 pounds

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                      • #71
                        TFC, I'm late to this party, but next time you have a question you should consult the best-seller relationship book for all your feline queries: 50 Shades of Grey.
                        If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

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                        • #72
                          Sounds like she's high maintenance dude.
                          Fear of the unknown...They are afraid of new ideas. they are loaded with prejudices, not based upon anything in reality, but based on… if something is new, I reject it immediately because it’s frightening to me. What they do instead is just stay with the familiar.

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                          • #73
                            Originally posted by kenn View Post
                            In that case I'm breaking up with mine
                            Your woman? Maybe she likes you the way you are.
                            Female, age 51, 5' 9"
                            SW - 183 (Jan 22, 2012), CW - 159, GW - healthy.

                            Met my 2012 goals by losing 24 pounds.
                            2013 goals are to get fit and strong!

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              with a hard, indifferent exterior that hides the mushiest of mallows inside
                              beautiful
                              yeah you are

                              Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                              lol

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                              • #75
                                Originally posted by jojohaligo View Post
                                Your woman? Maybe she likes you the way you are.
                                Yes, she's an emotional roller coaster, I'd tell her but she's start crying or storm off

                                The thing that bugs me is she doesn't talk to anyone about our relationship or try to get advice from anyone. She just tries to fly solo and ends up getting a lil crazy
                                Last edited by kenn; 09-07-2012, 12:25 PM.
                                Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
                                Starting Weight: 294 pounds
                                Current Weight: 235 pounds
                                Goal Weight: 195 pounds

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